Dedication: rebeccaazh, thank you for all of your reads, votes, and comments! It means a lot to me :) xx
Love.
That's not a word I use often. Or even think about.
But I am thinking about it right now because I'm worried for my mum. I love her, and she's going to ruin her life with all of this drinking.
I have no doubt that it's starting to interfere with her work, and I don't know how to approach alcoholism with her. It's not something where I can just go up to her and say 'Hey mum, you're an alcoholic, get help.'
She wouldn't take that very well, and she'd probably be too drunk to take it seriously.
I need to find a time where she's coherent, and the only that is, is before she does to work in the morning.
I'll need to wake up earlier tomorrow. which means I should probably go to sleep since it's almost tomorrow already.
But I want to keep reading, I want to know what happened to Hazel before I find her. Before I ask Liam where she is, before I give her diary back to her, before I give her my reply diary thing.
Before I befriend her.
The beautiful girl I ran into.
"Damn poodle." I mumble to myself, thoughts of Trent in mind, "Idiot mofo who takes steroids, attacking people for no reason, and forcing amazing girls into sex."
I roll off my bed and decide to get some homework done, because with everything that's been going on these past two/three days, I've completely neglected school. But that's understandable, right? Who actually wants to do school work?
Never me.
Cool if you do, I guess, but it's not really for me. I just stay to get a good education, that's it.
Otherwise I wouldn't even bother with assignments, homework, team activities and P.E.
When I've done at least some of my English essay that's due in next Friday, I get dressed in sweats, and jump back into bed.
Time for one last diary entry reading session before I get some well needed sleep.
Date: 21/03/16, Monday
Time: 12:31pm
Dear Mister Diary,
Yes, I skipped a day, because I didn't want to write until after. Until after I talked to Trent yesterday. I called and invited him over yesterday morning.
This is kind of how it went:
A firm knock sounded through o the kitchen, echoing from the front door, and I jumped slightly. This is it, I thought, you can do this.
There was a second rap on the door and I quickly bolted towards it, before opening it though, I took in a deep breath. My hand hovered over the door knob, and pulled it open, instantly being engulfed in a bear hug.
"I missed you." Trent murmured into my brunette locks, and buried my head into his chest, arms clutching his sides, breathing in his spicy scent.
"You saw me only a day ago, Babe." I laughed, leaning back and pecking his lips.
He obviously had different intentions though, because he grabbed me by the neck and brought his lips to mine again, kissing me deeply, and speaking between kisses, "A day too long, Haze."
We kissed for a few minutes, but when his hand started going towards my um.. Chest, I pushed him away gently.
"What's wrong?" I shifted away from his curious hazel-green eyes, and turned to the hallway.
"That's why I need to talk with you." I said and made my way down the hall, with Trent following behind solemnly.
As soon as we reached my room, I kept the door open and sat on the bed, while Trent stayed in the doorway looking nervous.
"Come on," I patted empty spot next to me, "I don't always bite."
Cracking a grin, he finally plopped down on the bed, "Okay, Haze, what's going on?"
"I need to talk to you."
Trent rolled his eyes obnoxiously and laughed, "Well, obviously."
"About us, about," I cleared my throat and felt my cheeks burn, "Sex."
I watched as his eyes widened, "Are you breaking up with me?"
I shook my head vehemently, "No! I'm just not ready for us to be that intimate in our relationship, and I don't appreciate you pushing me into it."
"Oh, that." He nodded, recognition drowning his features.
Seriously? That was all he had to say.
"Oh, that?" I asked dubiously, "What do you mean 'Oh, that'? You know that I haven't been ready, and yet, you still push me?"
"Well, yeah," Trent trailed off, suddenly unsure before he spoke again, "I knew you weren't ready, I just thought that if I kept trying, you would give in and love it. I am a guy with needs, Haze."
"Don't call me 'Haze' when you're being a self-centered asshole." I snapped, looking away, and trying not to let any tears pass through my eye lids, "I just want to put the sex on hold until I'm ready, a-and if you can't do that, then leave now."
"I better get going, but I'll let you know my decision ASAP."
I felt him kiss my cheek, then when I looked up, he was already gone.
And today? I haven't heard from him yet, not even through text. Was I really asking for much? Maybe I'm being stupid.
I really like Trent, and with everyday that goes by with him, my feelings for Hunter are fading more and more.
So yeah, maybe I am being stupid to deprive Trent of that kind of intimacy. But I just can't do that right now, not when I'm so vulnerable, not when doing that means creating another reason for me to stay alive. Another commitment.
Because, I can't do commitments right now, and I have to keep a close eye on my feelings in the meantime, until I decide what to choose. Life or, death?
God, if you looked up 'Mess' in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me right underneath it.
I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, I need something and I don't know what that is.
It's like there's something holding me back from leaving, but I can't figure out what it is. But I know that I feel like I'm waiting for something.
Waiting for what, you ask?
You're asking the wrong person.
Bye for now,
Hazel-The-Waiter. B
P.S. I called Uncle Willow Pillow, and he's joining me on Wednesday night for movie night! Maybe that's what I'm waiting for.
P.P.S. So, I listen to music through my headphones when I write my entries (Well 24/7 actually but shh), and anyway, a song came on earlier and it's perfect. I thought I should write it here. Song: Broken Home - 5 Seconds Of Summer.
* * *
Hey all :)
So, this update's kinda late because I was so exhausted (and sick) last night, that I fell asleep before I could write this, and then I forced myself to write it today.
The next update might be in the morning, but no matter what, it'll be tomorrow as I promised to update everyday until I can catch up :) x
Oh, and this isn't edited yet! Sorry if there are any mistakes xD
Who have I never dedicated a chapter to? :) I need more usernamesss
QOTC: What's your favourite song right now? x
MA: Honestly? I may have stolen Hazel's, my favourite is Three Cheers For Five Years by Mayday Parade, and my close favourites right now are Fools by Troye Sivan, Story Of Another Us by 5sos, & Waste The Night by 5sos c: <3
- Chloe x