"Ok, fine. What do you have to say?" He started walking in our secret way, where there were low chances of other couples catching us.
"I want to say I am sorry, but I know you too well. Sorry will only make you mad. So, I am going to tell you what I finally understood yesterday. Remember how I said I only see you as a friend? That's complete bullsh*t! I still very much love you Cal, but there is not way we can ever work out. It's not even that I don't have feeling for you. What I am trying to say is, I guess I was never really in love with you."
With each word I said, I saw his wall crashing down. So, I continued trying to explain better.
"And you know what? You didn't either."
"What? How can you even--"
"Listen, remember the time I was sitting with one of your frat brothers and he was flirting with me?"
"What does-?"
"You weren't jealous then. You were never jealous. I could practically have kissed a guy and you wouldn't be jealous. You would be hurt because I broke your trust, but you would never be jealous."
I looked at him to see how he would reply.
"Maybe, but can you imagine how it feel like when all you could think about was one girl every minute of you life for two years? And suddenly she says she never loved you?"
"Caleb, stop doing this. I know you are hurting and I have no clue how to make you feel better. My parents already got a me a marriage proposal right after graduation and I even had to go out on a date with him yesterday. That's when I realized Cal, I could never let you go nor have a complete relationship with you."
"But that is exactly your problem Trisha. You know you still love me. You know it. And you also know I can never be part of your future because of your family. So you are just convincing yourself I'm not good enough for you? Tell me one thing. Is there one day, even just one day you didn't think about me?"
I bent my head down.
"Exactly. If that doesn't tell you, I don't know what will."
I was biting my lip so I wouldn't cry.
"I am confused ok? I am confused. I don't know anymore. You distanced yourself from me Caleb! It wasn't me. I didn't choose to be the bigger person and back off, you did! And you planted that idea in my head. If it wasn't for Joe, you would still be by my side pretending like every second isn't slowly killing you inside."
"But now you know- you know I am crazy for you. So why are you holding back?"
His eyes looked so desperate.
"Because it's too late Cal. It is too late. Now its not just a matter of making my dad accept you, its a matter of canceling and engagement. I love you, but I don't think there will be a day I will never feel guilty for letting you down like this."
"Then don't leave me Trisha. Please."
I looked at him with my eyes starting to tear.
"Cal, you know its for the best. I was never good enough for you. Think about it. I was the problem in our relationship. You would always act as the glue, but you never saw that I stressed you out. You never saw that I was more trouble that your worth."
"No, don't do this to me. You were never a problem for me. I think what ever you treat as trouble was my love for you. But you are right, maybe it is time we end this once and for all. I hope whoever you end up marrying will keep you happy. Maybe we were never meant to be."
I didn't speak. We walked for a bit in silence. I stopped crying.
"Cal, I want you to promise me one last thing."
"What?"
"Promise me you'll move on from me. I told you when you first asked me, this would never work out. Now, you are asking me to choose between my family and you. I am sorry but I am telling you from previous experiences that whatever freedom I have will be sucked straight out of my hand if I tell them about you. And I am not willing to sacrifice my family, my whole life for you. That is selfish of me to say, but I am trying to make you understand I don't love you enough to let go or keep you. And I can never do that. I know one day you'll get over me, and perhaps one day I will learn to love Rohan like I loved you. So, promise me you will move on from me no matter what and keep a straight head."
We stopped walking. When I tried to read his face, it was completely blank.
"Fine. If that is what you want, who am I to say no? Always know I will love you. I've had numerous girls, but no one was as special as you. I know it probably isn't easy for you to let go either. You wouldn't have cried if you never cared about me."
"I still care about you. I know maybe you can't see me for a while. Just know I can't either. I can't see you without thinking of all the good times we had. Even after our break up, I tried to keep my self under control but there were night I would cry for so long thinking about you and looking at our pictures. It'll probably hard for us to be even friends after this."
"I know. I don't want to leave you, but you know don't you?"
We locked eyes with each other and I nodded.
"It is for the better" I said.
He cupped my face for the last time and frantically looked at my face as if trying to etch my picture in his mind. And just like that, he ran away from me. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. My heart felt like it's being ripped into tons of pieces. I couldn't take it. I grabbed the nearest tree branch and broke it. Suddenly, I felt shuffling behind me. I thought it was another morning walking so I put my hood up and swiftly turned back to head home hoping my eyes weren't red.
"There was too much wind papa" I thought of telling my dad if he asks me why I look like I am crying.
I was so deep in thought, I didn't hear a familiar voice call me.
"Trisha!"
I turned back to see Rohan trying to catch up with me. Oh perfect! God couldn't find more irony to add to my life. He always took away the good things from me. Always.
"Hey!" He greeted enthusiastically.
I smiled at him hoping it would cover the tears in my eyes.
"You crying?" He asked pulling his eyebrows together. He wiped away a few tears.
"Nope, it happens sometimes. My eyes get sensitive and even the slightest breeze could make them water"
"I wouldn't have yelled at you if you admitted the truth you know?"
For the first time that morning, I made proper eye contact with him.
"I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't even hug him" He laughed like I was a crazy person.
"You didn't do anything wrong? Trisha you just left your heart behind for your family!"
"Well, I don't have a choice Rohan. Why are you even bringing that up?"
"Because you both love each other. How do you expect me to marry someone who I don't even have a chance with?"
I gave him a bitter smile finally collapsing in his arms.
"I have to let him go. You don't get it. He was too good for me. Too perfect. He will hurt me later, maybe not now but later. He thinks he loves me now, but he'll realize we were never one. He will see that one day. We had a strong connection, but it wasn't mutual. I couldn't get into the relationship as much as him. I couldn't appreciate him enough. It will hit us at some point and it won't be pretty. I will still be jealous if I see him with someone. I will still love him, but I will get over him."
Rohan didn't say anything. He just smoothed my hair as if that will clear all the problems in the world. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but he took me to his car parked a little ways from my house.
"Come on, we're going out"
"But the party! Mom will kill us"
"It's only eight. That stuff doesn't start till twelve."
I nodded and hopped in. He too me to iHop.
"IHop?" I asked looking at him.
"All you need are some good old pancakes to make you feel better."
I remember Cal brought me here one day for the first time, but I blocked him from my mind.
"What do you want?" He asked.
"Red--" I was going to say red velvet. It was what I used to have with Cal, but maybe some old habits need to move on. "Raspberry white chocolate chips"
When he ordered, I spaced out for a bit lost in thought. All those good times weren't worth the pain either of us are going through now. At least I had Rohan to understand me, but who did he have? Joe? He would never understand Cal like me, but perhaps that what Cal needs--someone like Joe to pull him up.
When the order came, I immediately started eating. After my first bite,
"Cal, these are so good!" I said without thinking. After a second, I realized I wasn't eating raspberry white chocolate chips, but indeed my favorite red velvet pancakes.
"These are your favorite huh?" Rohan asked me. I nodded. "Then why did you want that crap?"
"I thought maybe if I tried new things, I can start to see a new side of life."
"You mean changing yourself?"
"What?"
"You are trying to change your habits and yourself Trisha. For Cal. I have to respect this guy, it can't be easy trying to walk away from someone like you."
"Maybe if I change, I can forget him."
"Maybe. This was your decision, but I'll help you get through this pain."
I nodded and told him I had to meet Joe, who coincidentally lived close by this iHop. Rohan drove me there without a second thought. I've been over to Joe's house quite a few times, too.
"Come on, Joe" I muttered calling his phone. It was a Sunday, I doubt anyone was awake yet. He picked up the phone on the third ring. "Come downstairs immediately we need to talk"
He said he will be right down and showed up almost immediately.
"Hey, whats up? Is everything alright?"
He looked dressed up.
"Are you going to Cals?" He nodded and started to check out Rohan.
"I need a favor. We actually broke up this time and I don't think he took it well at all. I have a marriage being arranged with this guy" I said pointing at Rohan "and there was no way me and Cal couldn't worked out. Plus, I wasn't good for him was I?"
Joe always seemed like he never approved of me. Cal told me he used to say I was trouble, but over time we all sorted out differences.
"No, you weren't. He deserves better."
"Please try to make him understand that. Remind him of his goals and life before I entered. Don't ever tell him I came to you. Please don't leave him. He has no one to lean on."
He nodded tersely. I could see his anger raising. After all, I did break his best friend's heart.
"Joe, please. You can't be mad at me. You think this is easy for me? You think easy to let go someone who I experienced the best memories of my life with?"
"No, but you could fight you parents. You can leave the house. You act like you don't have a choice, but you do. If you really love him, you would've left your parents for him."
"No, that's not that problem. I couldn't love him enough. I still love him, I am still in love with him but I will never be good enough. He is always sacrificing something or the other to keep me happy and that kind of relationship will only make me a bi*tch one day. I will start taking advantage of him and he won't be happy sacrificing for me. Imagine if I do leave the people who gave me a roof for twenty one years. My dad is getting old, he could have a heart attack. I will never be allowed to even see my family again. And you think me and Cal will be happy? I will end up blaming him for my loss. Either ways, it won't work. I love my family and Cal equally, if it means I have to leave one of them I would rather choose the one I can get over easily. I am not being selfish here, I am trying to see the best for Caleb, too you know. I hope you can understand."
I looked at Joe with my eyes tearing. He seemed to have calmed down. Next thing I knew, he pulled me into a really tight hug.
"I am sorry for you Trish. I am so sorry. I know we weren't the best of friends, but I really didn't think you were a bad person. I just always had a bad feeling something might happen. But Cal is a strong guy, he'll get over you. It might take him a while, but he will see what you are seeing."
Joe looked at me like he was about to break into tears.
"I know Joe. Both of us had to sacrifice what we had, but if don't sacrifice this I just know we will never work out."
Joe nodded in understanding. "I get it. Well, I'll try to knock some sense into him. Maybe take him out or something. I'll figure it out."
"Alright, keep me updated. I want to know how he is doing. I don't want to keep in touch with him. It'll be harder for both of us to forget each other."
"I will. And you keep me updated with your life too. Maybe one day in the future, when Caleb forgets you and gets settled down and wants to see you I can tell him what happened."
I nodded and pulled Joe into another hug and left him.
"You are a strong woman Trisha, never forget that." Rohan said as I got in his Z4.