MadMenWearingFedora Whistling Chimes
First of all, I fell in love with your poems. It's dramatic and deep; great elements in poetry. There is passion hidden in the words and at the same time there is a story.
The only weakness I noticed are the most common ones.
-balance. I noticed that your earlier works lacked in this aspect. The lines weren't as harmonious as they could have been. This could be further improved. All it shall need is practice. As much as possible, try to have a ratio of 2:3 in terms of length. The shorter line should be at least 2/3 of the longer one.
This one for example can still be rewritten.
The touch.
The smell.
The sensibility.
Its an underbelly that's staked its claim on me.
The touch, the smell, the sensibility,
It's an underbelly that staked its claim on me.
(Notice that I had also made corrections in terms of the it's and its; it's stands for it is, while its indicates possession.)
-you have a great way of words but you can still improve it. I noticed that in more cases than one, you had stated lines in a prose kind of way instead of making it poetic. I suggest for you to try not to state words in the way that you'd use it in a normal conversation. Try to play with it more. I'll give this one as an example:
Mary, she's a wilting flower
She had never met another man
Or opened her heart to happiness again
Since the cold wintery dawn when I let her beauty get smashed
Mary, she was a wilting flower.
A man after me, she had never met,
Nor had her heart to joy reopen,
Since her beauty withered on that cold wintery dawn.
Do not be afraid to use words that seem to formal. It adds beauty to the poetry.
-punctuations, a bit of spelling mistakes, and the lack of rhyming patterns. These are actually the most common but can be easily prevented. For the rhyming, you can try homonyms or just plainly come up with words that look or spell alike to end each line.
So that would be all, I hope this review helps. Keep up the great work and we hope to hear from you. Keep supporting the group and spread the love.
In behalf of the aratsgroup,
Yours truly,
thenameisfoureyes