Xander
I held her hand, my heart beating to in time with hers. The only sounds heard were the drip of her IV and someone crying in the hall. Probably her mom.
Mesi's mom had tried so hard to help her after Sam. We all did. I did. But I guess it wasn't enough. Because there she was, in the hospital.
There were no words to explain how mad I was. With myself. I'd almost lost someone again. I'd almost let them go, again, and again it was all my fault.
Sam asked me to hang out with him that day, since Mesi was going to Tammy's. But I told him I had to study. I chose studying over my best friend! If I'd told him yes, he wouldn't have been headed over that bridge. He would be alive.
And I'd almost let it happen again. I was supposed to be helping Mesi, I was supposed to make it easier for her. But I failed. Again.
My head shot up when I heard her try to say something. I hadn't realized she was awake.
"Wa...ter," she croaked out.
Quickly, I grabbed the cup of water sitting at her bedside and brought it to her lips, sloshing some on the blanket. Gratefully, she took a big sip before nodding for me to put it back down.
"Let me get the doctor," I said, smiling as I stood up and leaned out into the hall. I motioned him to come, he was standing at the nurse's station. Immediately, he dropped what he was doing and rushed over.
"She woke up," I said, answering his questioning look. He nodded before heading into the room.
"It's good to meet you Ms. Markham. You've been unconscious for a while now." He checked his watch. "Eight hours, I think?"
Mesi just stared at him like she'd never seen a doctor before.
"What...what happened?" she said it so quietly I wasn't sure I'd heard her at first.
"And who are you?"
My world stopped. She was pointing at me. She didn't remember me. How could she not remember me? We'd spent practically every waking hour together since Sam died. I'd done everything I could think of to pull her out of her depression.
She had to remember the night with the board games. It was the night I finally got her to smile. We were playing Cards Against Humanity...sort of. We didn't have enough people, so we just spent hours trying to pick out the most hilarious matches. I got her with How did I lose my virginity? The Make-A-Wish Foundation. It wasn't even that good, but it made her smile. And it made me think that maybe she was getting better.
The doctor turned to me. "Could you please step out for a minute so that I can do an examination?"
Completely fazed, I stumbled into the hall and found a chair just outside the door, that I slumped into. Only one thought was on my mind: she didn't know who I was.
...
After a while, the doctor stepped out of Mesi's room and gave me a slight nod. On his face he wore a tight, strained smile. It made my palms sweat. Nothing good ever came of tight, strained smiles.
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I shook my head as if to force them back inside. This was not the time for crying. This was the time to be strong, for Mesi.
Hands shaking, I moved my feet towards her bed. She sat there, staring at me like I was an alien. I probably was to her. The thought felt like a blow to the head.
"Hi. I'm..." I took a shaky breath to calm myself. Didn't really help. "I'm Xander Henry. You and I were friends before...before." There was no way I could bring myself to say it. "We used to hang out because of Sam. He was my best friend and since you guys were always together, I was forced to be with the pair of you."
"Sam?" She looked so innocent. Her expression was that of a little girl asking how to spell her own name.
But those words...they were anything but innocent. They cut through me like a blade. Mesi didn't remember Sam. How could...how could she forget Sam? She loved him! He loved her! My head was spinning—it just didn't make any sense. How could someone so obviously moonstruck over someone else just forget them? I didn't care about what had happened hours before, she should remember Sam. It would make more sense if she forgot her own parents.
"You," my voice cracked,"don't remember Sam?"
She shook her head, and I could see in her eyes that she was sorry. A flare of anger rushed through me. I didn't want her to be sorry! I wanted her to never have done what she did! I wanted her to remember Sam and me and everything else in between!
There was a long while where neither of us said a word. I had to get myself together. The Mesi in front of me was different from the one who'd done that. This Mesi, the one lying in the hospital bed, was ignorant. She had no idea who she really was, and therefore couldn't be held accountable for the other Mesi's actions. No matter how much I wanted to scream in her face and shake her until she could recount how she met Sam. And me.
"Sam was—" I started.
"Mesi! We're so glad you're awake!" Mesi's mom, Mrs. Markham, said. She and her husband had huge grins plastered on their faces as they entered the room. Mr. Markham stood to the side and gave Mesi a thumbs-up. He had always been awkward like that.
"Mr. and Mrs. Markham, did the doctor fill you in?" I asked them in a hushed tone so Mesi wouldn't hear. They turned to look at me and I noticed that the smiles didn't reach their puffy eyes. Instead, their eyes said, Yes. We've got it handled.
"Do you think we could have a moment alone with Xander?" Mrs. Markham asked Mesi, like Mesi had any power over what they did or who they talked to.
"Yeah, sure," she responded, sounding slightly dazed and confused.
So I followed Mr. and Mrs. Markham out into the hall.
"She doesn't remember me. Or Sam."
"We know," Mrs. Markham sighed, holding a hand to her head. "We know, okay?"
I furrowed my brows, trying to understand what she was thinking.
"When are you going to tell her about him?" I finally asked outright, deciding that beating around the bush would get us nowhere.
This time, it was Mr. Markham who stepped forward. "We're not telling her."
That flare of anger from before shot through me. "What?! You have no right to keep that from her! How do you expect her to go on with life, never knowing what it was like to love for the first time? Sam is a big part of her! Without it, she'll never be herself again!" I was full-on screaming. I knew the nurses were staring at us, but I didn't care. I tended to be quick to anger when I was passionate about something, and this was one of those times.
"Calm down," Mr. Markham said, placing a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off.
"That's why we're not telling Mesi about Sam. The Mesi who knew Sam was depressed. If we tell her about him, we risk her going back there. And then we could end up right back here. Or..." tears started to fall down his already tear-stained face,"worse."
As soon as it flooded in, the anger washed out. I guess I could understand where they were coming from, but it wasn't our place to decide what she remembered or not. It was Mesi's. I still didn't think it was right to keep her from herself.
"Why don't you go home and get some sleep, Xander? You've been here all night. Maybe tomorrow everything will make more sense," Mrs. Markham said in that condescending tone that only a school principal can pull off.
I gave them one last glare before pushing past them towards the exit.
I knew that my intentions might not be any better than theirs. They wanted her to forget so that they didn't have to go through this again. The nagging voice in the back of my head told me that maybe I just wanted Mesi to remember so I had someone to share the pain with. That I was being just as selfish as her parents. But wasn't it also true that Mesi had a right to know about Sam? To know about her first love?
When I reached my car, I jumped in, turned the keys, and drove. And drove and drove. I had no idea where I was going, but anywhere was better than in there. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand there, watching her parents dodge her questions about Sam and me, able to give her the answers she wanted. But they would never let me.
Finally, I stopped the car on the side of the road and banged my hands into the steering wheel. Stepping out, I stood there with the wind whipping up the dirt all around me and screamed. It was like I wanted the whole universe to know how unfair it was being.
But when I was all screamed out, I sunk to my knees. The tears were coming, and this time I had no way of stopping them. They fell in a steady rhythm, turning the dirt to small dots of mud.
I was scared, more scared than I'd ever been before. More than when you're little and think you see a monster hiding in the shadows of your room or the first time you inch slowly up the first hill of a roller coaster. I was scared that Mesi would never remember Sam. I was scared that if she never remembered Sam...she would never remember herself.
Standing up and brushing off my jeans, I decided to do everything I could to make sure that wouldn't happen. I was going to put Mesi back together and I wasn't going to let anyone stop me.