It was already nine o'clock. When I finally snapped out of it.
I had been travelling down memory lane for four hours straight.
Every memory that flashed back into my mind carried pain. Even the good ones.
What Emily said about creating good memories to replace the old ones...worked.
But not for long.
Because it was she who made me forget the old ones; she helped me realise that life isn’t all doom and gloom but can be something truly beautiful and wonderful. When I was with her, I felt like I was a whole new person and wasn’t the Lucas who hated the world but the Lucas who thought the world was alright.
She was making a better person each and every day.
''WHY COULDN'T I CONTROL MYSELF!’’ I screamed as loud as I could, not caring who heard me through the walls. I grabbed my hair and dug my nails into the side of my head. The tears started pouring out uncontrollably. ''I just wanted to live a normal life with you, Emily...'' I cried.
But normal was never something I specialised in.
I can’t be normal.
I can only be dark and deplorable.
I ventured outside on to the balcony and loosely hung my body over the railing. It felt like all the possible bad memories and emotions were clashing with each other in my head. Another memory surfaced and bought a whole new sort of pain.
It was a week after my birthday when Emily and I decided to ditch college and move to Tampa together.
We were officially a couple.
And I couldn't have been any happier.
We didn't have any plans for the future, job wise that is. We just wanted to move away from Miami and start a new life together. Free from family, any friends we may have had (which was mostly for Emily) and more importantly any bad memories. We lived in a one bedroom house with two bathrooms. It wasn't exactly paradise but we didn't care. We were already there, mentally. My parents gave me the remaining money from my college fund account to use for rent and any other additional costs. They weren’t exactly supportive of my idea to move away from Miami. They felt that my usual ways of not wanting to work for money and generally being anti-social would drive me onto the streets and into a homeless bum. However, after a bit of arguing and relatively calm talking, they said they would give me the rest of my college fund. This was $40,000.
I usually hated long drives because it inevitably meant that I was trapped in a car for hours; bored out of my mind. The scenery after a while felt like a repeat of what you’d just seen...tree after tree after fucking tree. My parents had this tradition of taking me to a different city each weekend. They wanted me to experience Florida at its finest via visiting all its 'iconic' cities/towns. Funnily enough though, we never went to Tampa; which is probably one of the most entertaining cities in Florida for kids; filled with FUN theme parks. I guess it was too fun because mum and dad always took me to the more historical cities of Florida.
I thought weekends were meant to be a break from school?
However, driving with Emily wasn't like driving with my family. I actually wanted to be trapped in the car with her for hours. I didn't look out the window; instead I looked at her...which never seemed bore me. There was something about her driving spirit that entertained me and made me smile...I remember she once explained to me why she enjoyed road trips:
‘’Road trips in my family usually meant us escaping from a city, we had created memories in. Not necessarily bad memories or good memories. Because we never regretted the things we did. We wanted to create a well-known legacy in every city we lived in. It’s so you can reflect on it later on in life when visiting that particular city and think to yourself ‘’Am I still the same?’’ or ‘’Have I changed? And if so…how?’’
A little strange I know but it didn't surprise me the slightest bit because that's just Emily for you. It made me wonder though, what kind of legacy did she leave in Miami? Or for that matter...I wonder what kind of legacy I left behind in Miami? I don't think I left a very impressive mark but hopefully something.
''Emily...are you happy with the legacy you left behind in Miami?'' I asked her curiously.
''I believe I did a great job in creating a very well known legacy!'' She smiled brighter than the sun.
''I'm glad you did.'' That was an awfully strange thing to say considering what we were talking about but I was proud of her. She tried her hardest at everything and she always achieved whatever she put her mind to. So, I am more than certain that she created a memorable legacy.
It was probably the best road trip I have ever been on. Playing I Spy was fun with her; never was with my parents. Singing cliché road songs with her was enjoyable; unlike with my parents. Not to mention, the music she listened to was better than what my parents played. I usually took the road trips with my parents as an excuse to sleep...however I forced myself to stay awake when travelling with Emily because the image of a pole sticking out of her stomach, while she pumped out litres of blood all over the driver's side seat gave me terrible nightmares. So, I made sure that when she was driving that she wasn't getting tired and when I thought she was, I forced her to pull over and rest.
When I woke up from the daydream, I was in my bedroom. I don’t know how I got here nor did know when I got here. But looking around my room, I knew exactly why I was in here. I suppose something supernatural was controlling me (or so that’s reason I want to use at least) because I was in the dead centre of all the pain and misery that had probably caused me to abandon my bedroom. The walls were covered with drawings and paintings I had done. Some were university drawings and others were personal ones. As, I gazed around the room not focussing on any particular drawing, I noticed a space on the wall which wasn’t occupied by an art piece.
‘’What’s missing?’’
I placed my hand on the empty space and just felt its coldness. When lifting hand away from the wall, I could see my handprint on the wall. That’s when got a glimpse of the drawing next to the empty space…it was of Mickey Mouse painting a love heart above Emily and I’s head. I closed my eyes a little and I could see my eye lids shaking to stay up. The memory was pushing on the edge of my consciousness. Alas, I had given into the power of the memories.
On the third day of driving, Emily was telling me how it had always been a childhood dream of hers to go to Disney World. Even if it was only for the day, she would be happy. She was never bothered by the fact that her childhood dream never came true; she never wanted to be a burden on anyone’s shoulders so she kept them dreams to herself.
''Emily, guess what!'' I said to her as she was licking an ice cream. The unfortunate thing about living in Florida is that the weather seems to stay the same no matter where you are in the state. God must get a kick out seeing people fry away in the sun and then watching later on when they have skin cancer.
''You bought us a pet elephant!'' Emily smiled. Oh, how I loved her absurd personality.
''Ah no...But it's something better! We're staying at the Disney World resort tonight!'' I spread my arms out ready for the hug. Emily basically jumped me and almost spun me around in circles. It was like she was eight years old again, she was bouncing around everywhere and covering her mouth to make sure she didn’t scream. I laughed because it was so God damn cute.
I think she almost died of excitement.
I felt like a father and Emily was my daughter because she dragged me to attractions and couldn't stay still for any longer than five minutes. I think she was operating on child fuel instead of teenage fuel. Because I could barely keep up with her, and after a long day of running around Disney World, I was relieved when we finally settled down in the resort.
We were sitting on the balcony of our animal kingdom villa, just watching the setting sun as a giraffe casually strolled by [that’s right, they just allow African animals wander around]. We felt like we were really in Africa. Truly magical.
''Thank you, Lucas. You do not know how happy you have made me today.'' Emily hadn't stopped smiling all day. Unbelievable, I never knew I could make someone like this; usually people spend long periods of time smiling because they’re laughing at me.
''It's my pleasure, Emily. I will admit...I had fun too,'' I mumbled a little not wanting her to realise it but I couldn't hide it any longer.
''See? Disney World is the home of happiness!'' she giggled.
''And love,'' I added. She turned to look at me; the sun setting behind her made her look like a goddess, highlighting all her outer and inner beauties. The wind blew her honey blonde hair away from her eyes and graced me with the sight of her green eyes, which were like portal to her soul...because I could feel the love emanating from her eyes. I stood up and slowly rolled my hand out to her, hand open hoping she would grab it and allow me to the lead her back into the bedroom. She smiled again and her soft hands wrapped around fingers. I led her into the bedroom and softly pushed her down onto the bed. Spreading her arms out to the sides still firmly gripping onto them.
I wouldn't let go of them even if someone were to hold a gun to my head.
She had this confused look on her face and it worried me. I always loved seeing her smile…but confused? It almost broke my heart, thinking it was something I’d done wrong. I kissed her once and then hovered my lips above her eyes which still looked confused. I crawled onto the bed and just looked down at her...straight into her eyes.
''Your body looks like it wants it...but your eyes say different,'' I whispered into her ear softly. Her smile returned after I said that and she replied:
''I was just telling 'her' that I wasn't lying...''
''Lying about what?'' Now I was confused. Was she silently having a conversation with herself this whole time? Did I interrupt it and cause some confusion? Am I rushing into something she doesn't want to do? So many thoughts passed through my mind making feel more and more guilty.
''Lying about erasing her. We are creating so many good memories together; that bit by bit I am forgetting the old ones, the ones that created her. She was confused by the new neighbour moving in next door...'' she continued.
''Who's the new neighbour?'' I asked.
''She's the new me...the Lucas loving me.'' Her smile spread wider. She placed her hands around my head and directed my lips back to hers. We moved in synch, kissing and slowly removing pieces clothing off each other until we were down to our bare skin.
''You are my one true soul mate'' we both said.
But...
After a magical night of romance, strangely, I felt like something was broken on the inside. I had reached a new level of trust and communication with someone. It was like someone changed the difficulty of life from normal to hard. Voices from the past returned asking me:
''Can you honestly trust this girl? She will only hurt you in the end! Get rid of her now! Before it's too late.''
I needed to clear my head of all bad thoughts and voices. They say you do your best thinking when walking, so, I went for a walk around Orlando...leaving Emily to sleep alone. It probably wasn't a smart idea to walk around a city I was not familiar with but I couldn't trap myself inside a room because I was afraid I would show an ugly side to Emily.
While on my walk, I could feel this ominous spirit following me. I was in such a weird mood that it didn't bother me who I was around as long as it wasn't Emily...because at the moment, she was the big question mark. And so no matter how dangerous they seemed, I just continued walking around seedy looking suburbs.
''Hey man, you look at little down. Want some weed?'' I could feel that ominous spirit breathing onto my neck. I stopped and turned around to check out this guy. He had a black hoodie on (which shadowed off his face) and a pair of torn jeans. He extended his arm out and showed me a small bag filled with marijuana. Hanging by the chains on his jeans was a small bong.
There were so many voices in my head...it was like all my known emotions were speaking all at once. I didn't know which was which and more importantly...who I should follow.
After a few moments of silence...he asked again and I finally replied:
''Yeah sure.''
A passing car's headlights shun onto his face and I caught a glimpse of facial expression. Although I couldn't see his eyes, I bet they were glowing red because his smile was like the Devil’s. And he laughed wickedly as he lit the bong for me.
I traded my soul to the devil that day.
A deal signed in smoke.
A deal doomed from Day One.