Once I got off the train, I began my small journey from the train station to work. Pondering on the thought of:
I wonder what old people do every day?
I would imagine that most old people are bolted tightly behind locked doors in some retirement home located far away from any troublesome neighbourhoods or just outside the main city area. The nurses would make sure that the key is somewhere that no elderly would bother to look (due to the inevitable back pains or any other bothersome pains that come with the age). As a result of this isolation from the outside world; they become familiar with such boring sports such as shuffle board, lawn bowls and bingo.
‘’Computers...well what is a computer?’’ Is what most elderly would ask. Even if one were to introduce them to this new-fangled device, they would probably have an epileptic fit because of the overwhelming amount of technology bundled into one. It would cause their poor brains to think too much ‘’How could anyone possibly have created/thought of such thing?'' and they would explode into a violent fit...which doesn't have a happy end for most.
Alright…so I over-exaggerated a bit there. OKAY! A lot, but the point still remains they wouldn’t know what a computer is.
So, the nursing home workers simply restrict old people to simple non-harmful activities such as shuffle board, lawn bowls and the age old favourite, bingo.
The old people's definition of the words 'fun' and 'party' go something like this: an annual gathering in the retirement home’s main entertainment room...
Or
as the nurses like to define it as: A way to distract them from thinking of their dark neighbour lurking in the shadows [death].
These so called 'entertainment rooms' contain two things...
One: A large group of aging old people
And
Two: A small TV which could well be as old as the people watching it.
Yeah...I am pretty sure, I just summed up a day in the life of an old person.
Introducing, the ONLY old person in the existence of old people to NOT do that...Larry, my store manager.
Boy oh boy...does this man annoy me.
It was apparent from the beginning that he never liked me.
I remember quite vividly the moment we met. It went like this:
Erika (the old store manager) introduced us.
''As you know, Lucas, I am taking a trip around the world for a couple months. So...introducing the new store manager! Larry!''. She turns my attention to an old man who I thought was her grandpa. She was always the peppy type of girl so she used that ‘’yay!’’ voice and made quite a big deal over it.
''How you going, mate?'' He says almost sounding Australian. My first impression of him was that he was a typical friendly war story telling old man. That could definitely work for me because maybe he will be too busy telling me stories about World War Two instead of making me work. Yes, this will be great!
''Yeah not bad, man!'' I smile. Erika claps her hands together looking as if she’d united two lovers.
''Well...I'm glad you two are bonding already. Oh gosh, look at the time! I need to dash off to the airport. Catch you two later!’’. Erika quickly runs out the store, after we shouted out our goodbyes. Larry turns to me, staring at me in an obvious stone-cold matter and says in a deep voice:
''I don't like you.''
''Ah...what?'' I wasn’t sure whether I heard him right or not.
''What do you kids play your music too loud? Let me shout it for you…I SAID I DON’T LIKE YOU!''
And that ladies and gentlemen; is how our beautiful relationship begun.
So, now every time I arrive at work I am either greeted with:
''YOU'RE LATE!'' When I'm not.
Or
''I don't like you.''
Which will it be today? I wonder. Yesterday, it was ''I don't like you.'' adding a little bit of a hiss at the end (something different!).
''YOU'RE LATE!'' He roars.
''I have five minutes until I start...you stupid old bag.’’ I insult him on a regular basis.
''YOU'RE WRONG! You are 24.5 seconds late!''
Does it matter?
''Whatever! You change that clock every morning just so it gives you a reason to shout at me!'' I reply. He changed the subject because he knew I was right.
''You better sell something today, boy!'' he shakes his fist at me.
''I sell more things than you do in a month!'' I snap back.
Larry begins rambling to himself about how today's generation are so disrespectful towards the elderly.
I have been tempted many times to strap him down to a wheel-chair, wheel him to the retirement home and do a Harry Potter thing and just dump him on their door step leaving a small note in ridiculously neat hand writing saying:
''No returns''
Unfortunately, he is so brain-numbingly annoying that even the retirement home would reject him. Instead, they would roll him into the centre of town and just leave him there to rot. People will think he is a homeless old man, somehow feeling sorry for him and donate money to him. People would question: who could do this to a poor old delirious man, and the stupid bag would blame me and next thing you know…I’ve got an angry mob of people storming into my crappy apartment with pitch forks and torches.
I would get sent to jail for some bogus non-existent crime and then the old bag would get the satisfaction of knowing he sent me to jail and ruined my life even more.
Just another good day at work…right?
Not.
Hours pass and all I have really done is just collect dust at the counter. Not a single customer all day. So, I do my favourite past time at work: stare at the clock and figure out how long until I am finishing.
I should know by now that staring at a clock doesn't make time go any faster...However it certainly beats actually doing my job. The mere thought of freedom being only one hour, thirty two minutes and four seconds away is what entertains me the most.
I try to convince myself that I love my job but let's face it...
No one likes their job...
No one likes to be taken away from their precious life and forced to work.
Sadly though, we have to work to survive.
I hate that.
I don't even know why I work here...what on earth possessed me to apply for a place called 'Doggie Heaven' which has quite possibly the most embarrassing and worst slogan in the history of business slogans...
'We are like gods to the dogs'.
Seriously...I want to meet the person who came up with that slogan and punch them in the face. Like really hard. Along with the person who designed the ad for Doggie Heaven. Which by the way, plays CONSTANTLY on the big flat screen above my head- I have memorised it word by word...
A little girl and her mother walk to the counter of a pet store while holding their adorable puppy...who is looking rather glum. The little girl blinks her eyes a couple times at the lady at the counter and says:
''Excuse me miss, my puppy is hungry. What should I feed her?''
The lady at the counter doesn’t even look at the little girl or her mother. They both frown then suddenly out of the middle of NOWHERE a random [crazy] lady jumps out and basically scream:
''THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT AN ANGEL!’’ She opens a door and invites the little girl and her mother in
''WELCOME TO DOGGIE HEAVEN!''.
The little girl and her mother look around in awe.
''WOW! DOGGIE HEAVEN!'' The little girl and mother say in synch. Randomly, the little girl turns to the camera and gives this really demented smile.
''WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING FROM FOOD TO ACCESSORIES! WE ARE LIKE GODS TO THE DOGS!'' screams the random [crazy] lady. She starts throwing food and accessories around. To my utter amazement the mother doesn’t seem too fazed about her daughter and puppy getting attacked by flying objects. Instead, she asks:
''By any chance, would you have any human food?''
''NO SILLY!''
The ad finishes with the puppy looking happy and with the title ''Doggie Heaven'' slowly is fading onto the screen.
How did that even make to television? It has to be the worst TV ad I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. It highlights two of the most controversial topics of this age: paedophilia and animal abuse. And somehow, some person will walk into the store and laugh at the ad...I haven't figured out whether they laugh at how pathetic it is or whether it actually humours them.
I think overall this company is retarded, though.
Because to add to it's already tarnished reputation, they decide to locate their stores in such neighbourhoods as Little Havana. Honesty? What Cuban would take their dog to a shop like Doggie Heaven? The dog food we offer can be found at some little store around the corner and I don't think the Cubans are too fussed over how their dog looks on the street.
Hmmm, such a wise decision Doggie Heaven!
I believe its society's God given mission to make sure I'm constantly entertained while at work.
By entertained, I actually mean annoyed.
There must be a giant arrow hovering above my head pointing and flashing at me saying: ''This guy here is easily annoyed, so make his day and annoy him''
So sure enough, a customer walks into the store and starts to annoy me.
''Hello! My dog is a vegetarian... What's the healthiest option for him? Because Mr. Snooks deserves the best'' She does the whole kissy face to thin air. Unless she was doing it to me…in which case, I am already annoyed.
One of the [only] perks about my job is hearing the ridiculous dog names people give their poor pooches...like Mr. Snooks. Seriously, who names their dog that? Oh wait! This uptight looking lady.
Not to mention, that it’s totally impossible for her dog to be a freakin vegetarian.
''I don't know...feed 'Mr. Snooks' vegetables.'' Ahh my expertise in this area is so high...I am also an expert in sarcasm. But, of course! It’s never that easy with a customer.
''Some vegetables make him sick.'' She pulls a sad face.
''Well then...don't feed him those particular vegetables! Problem solved.'' I almost start to celebrate in my head but then…
''Yeah but I don't know whether that's the healthy option for him.''
Oh my god, are you serious? Is this some kind of test from God to see how well I can handle my anger?
''OK! Feed it meat then!''
''But...''
''YOUR DOG IS NOT A VEGETARIAN!'' I interrupt her.
Sometimes I do have to resort to excessive amount of shouting in order for the person to get my point.
She drops her mouth in shock due to my ‘unexpected’ out-burst of anger followed by an evil glare. In return, I give her my award winning (not really) ‘I don’t care’ smile. Her evil glare slowly transforms into a bad aurora.
''I just might take my business elsewhere!'' She smiles thinking that she has won. I just shrug and simply say:
''Hey, fine by me!''
I love it when people use that 'threat' to scare businesses into thinking that because they are taking their valuable business elsewhere that I will immediately reconsider and beg for forgiveness. Luckily, I couldn't care less about what they think of me or the business! Because I hate this hole and am only here because I need the money to pay rent and bills.
''All right! I want to speak to a manager!''
Haha...ah gosh! Here's another popular 'threat' I hear quite often.
Yet again another pointless/meaningless threat.
'’Babe, you're speaking to him.'' I grin.
That's actually a lie. Well! It's not like the old fart [Larry] would care enough to roll out here in his rusting old wheel-chair to attend to such a small matter. Besides, do you think I enjoy him having another excuse to hate me?
Note: Larry isn't actually paralysed. He is just a lazy prick who spends most of his time visualising and listing new ways to make my life miserable...I wish I was joking but I'm not. One time, when I had to go into his office to get the store keys to lock up. I saw a list above his desk titled: ''Ways to Annoy Lucas''. Listing such things like: ‘’Always make him work through his lunch break''. I counter this by going on my lunch break anyway. Another one is ‘’make Lucas work over time for no reason and not pay him’’ I still go home when I am meant to. He hates it but I am still here. Oddly enough, this business wouldn't survive without me. Considering, it only has four staff members.
The customer starts turning red with anger.
''Do you treat all your customers like that?!''
''Nah, I just like you. You're special'' I wink at her while still grinning.
I get no greater pleasure than flirting with an already enraged customer. Their facial expression says it all: ‘’Oh my god? Did he seriously just flirt with me?! *explodes with madness*…Truly a Kodak moment!
Or
When they stomp their foot in anger like a prissy teenage girl who can't get her way.
Another priceless moment!
She snorts and screams while storming to the front door.
''I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS STORE AGAIN!''
''Have a good day ma'am!'' I reply smiling.
Larry, finally, wheels out from his dungeon
''WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!''
Another note about Larry: Even though, he might only be two feet away from you...he will always yell. I bet the old bag thinks that everyone has the same quality of hearing as him, and therefore he needs to shout in order for them to hear him.
Gotta hate him.
''Oh nothing, just another happy customer''
''Oh...’’ he rolls back into his cave.
I don't know what's more shocking! The fact that he actually believed me or that he didn't scream at me. Congratulations Larry! You're on the road to recovery!
''TURN THE FLAMING TV BACK ON YOU! NIT WIT!'' he blurts out from his dark headquarters.
Perhaps a fellow Cuban will kindly lend me their gun or maybe I could pay one of them to assassinate him? The police won’t investigate it because there is always someone being shot in Miami so why bother looking into this one?
TV: ''We're like gods to the dogs!''
Actually...I've got a better idea!
I’m just gonna pull the power cord apart for the TV.
''WHAT A SHAME! LOOKS LIKE RATS CHEWED THE CORD!'' I tried not exploding into laughter.
''ALL RIGHT! I WILL DOCK THE MONEY FOR THE REPAIRS FROM YOUR PAY!''
Fuck you Larry.
When I finally did return home from work, James the gay postman was waiting outside my door. Probably ready to jump me and drag me to his lair.
This is an all-time low for him.
It's five o'clock...a little too early for him.
''James the gay postman...what are you doing here?'' I tried not looking into his eyes. He might get the wrong idea, if I do.
''I've got a letter for you, my darling'' He wiggles my letter around in air.
''Couldn't you have just delivered it to me tomorrow morning? Like every other postman does?!''
Oh wait! I completely forgot! He isn't an ordinary postman. More like: ''James the gay stalker''
James the gay stalker frowned and used his sad voice.
''It's my brother's birthday tomorrow so I so painfully took the day off. And I want to remember your face for as long as possible. So, I wanted to deliver this letter to you now.''
God...what did I honestly do to deserve this kind of torture? I know I have committed some pretty bad sins in my life but none of those sins can compare to what you are doing to me now! It's a little bit past a joke now. I would like the old postman back.
Oh come on! You know which one I am talking about!
Andy the silent Asian.
Yeah, I might not have treated him so well...and I think I could partly blame myself for him returning back to China...hmmm yeah...Actually, I did give that kid a bit of a hard time.
I did make him trip over in the hallway a lot...
And I also forced him to eat a lot of my left over Chinese food...left over from last month that is.
I caused him a lot of pain.
Now that I think about it...James the gay stalker is probably the master work of karma and God combined. I probably wasn't scoring many good karma points while teasing and torturing poor Andy the silent Asian. I think I might be going straight to hell. Yippee.
''Lucas babe...are you okay?'' James the gay stalker asked while looking into my eyes. I instantly snapped out my memorising and snatched the letter out of his hand.
''Yeah, I am fine...good bye James the gay stalker!''. I quickly unlocked my door and zoomed into my apartment before slamming the door in his face. Sadly though, I could still hear him flirting.
Damn these paper thin walls.
I sat down on my half destroyed half water stained couch and ripped open my letter.
I couldn’t believe it.
It was a letter from my parents.
I don't know what shocked me more...the fact that they knew I still existed or that they somehow discovered my address.
''Dear Lucas,
It has been a while since we last spoke to each other. If I remember correctly, it has been three years. Three whole years of silence. I don't know why you haven't been in contact with your own parents but I decided that it was about time we broke the silence. Even though you may not reply to this letter, I still wanted to write it because God told me that it was the right thing to do. So, Lucas. How are you? I hope everything is good and that you are well. I hope that you have become a well established artist and a respectable man. Something your father and I always wanted you to become...a successful yet respectable man. I remember when you were a child and used to draw on the walls. Parents usually frowned upon such behaviour however we encouraged it. Do you remember...The time you used my make-up to draw on the walls? You drew a rainbow with you, your father and I all holding hands under it. When I walked into the room and saw what you did, I will admit...I was a little angry. But, I temporarily ignored my anger and examined the picture more deeply.
You were always so fascinated with rainbows and were determined to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Even though, you knew the pot of gold didn't exist, you still searched. I believe you were searching for something more valuable than gold...you were searching for your own little haven; your own little shelter. A place where you could just forget the world and truly be yourself. So, the question remains...have you found that place? I hope so.
I know we haven't created a strong image of family in your mind and probably never will have the opportunity to do it. But, we hope you can one day, learn from someone else and do what we failed at so miserably...be a good parent to your child. Despite this, your father and I love you unconditionally and have finally realised just what we have done. A sin we can never truly be forgiven for. But, if you can find it in your heart to forgive us than we will be the happiest parents alive...however we understand if you can't.
Love always,
Your mother and father.
P.s I attached a photo to the back of the letter. It’s of you and Emily.’’