CHAPTER 3. " Oh, you're awake!" (The song above is The scientist by Coldplay, wait for the que to play)
"Hmm," I hummed as I awoke. At first, when I opened my eyes, all seemed the same. My eyes were a little blurry, still full of sleep from the sandman or the morphine, not sure which. When I remembered where I was, I promptly remembered who was here with me. " Oh! You're awake!" he said. I let out a short gasp, unable to control myself I snuck a scared peak over to the left, and sure enough, there he sat wide awake. And staring straight at me. "Hello," he spoke again.
Beep...Beep...Beep...
There goes the damned monitor again. His voice rang soft, manly, yet almost like music. It was beautiful. His dark eyes screamed volumes of depth, hues of trust, honesty and still you could tell they held secrets. They were the color of melted chocolate, the kind you covered strawberries in.
His lips were a soft, light and fluffy rose petal pink- I had to stop myself then, my eyes were taking over. Pull yourself together woman! Snap out of it!
"Umm...I-I'm not really-"
-sure what to say to you... I finished but inside my cowardly brain.
"I'm sure, you have no idea who I am. Please don't be afraid, will you allow me to explain?" He said. His face wore a look of weary determination, he seemed.... nice. But this was all just out of control, I have no idea who this guy is, save for the fact of him hitting me with his registered death machine. I could pass no judgements further than that. What was I supposed to do? Really? But those eyes! Looking back at me, pleading to me, boring into me, searching for something...understanding? Well, when u put it that way.... no. Just kidding.
"Yes," I managed aloud. He exhaled with relief if only a little. I realized then I had too.
It was like he was up chucking the words "Well, you see I was on my way to work and I had just gotten a large hot coffee, which I might add is very VERY HOT! And because I work third shift-I mean I've tried and I just can't find any other way of staying awake-well anyways I was coming down the street and I saw the light changing to yellow, and I thought if I move a little quicker I could make it... Then my phone started ringing and I went to reach over with my left hand and plowed it into my right hand holding the very flame like coffee, and the next thing I know I'm covered in lava, and-"
-"Breathe Ok, I get it! Accidental car accident. Got it." I concluded out of, what felt like, a glass filled mouth.
He looked so ashamed, he put his head down and fiddled with his hands wringing them in and out like a facecloth. I watched as, around and around he wrung them. Then out of nowhere he jumped up like a jack in the box and said, "Maybe I should go, I'm not welcome. I'm very, very sorry. Truly, I am."
And just like that, he started for the door. "Wait!" I called after him. He stopped but didn't turn around, so I continued, "I'm alive, and..." I faltered then. What the hell was I supposed to say? I thought I knew how I felt-which was pissed, confused, hurt and in the most literal sense there ever was-but I couldn't be trusted! I felt entirely way too much at that moment, and honestly, I'm in the hospital on pain meds! I'm not myself.
I'm literally waging war in my brain trying to justify why it was I was feeling bad for this Asshat who very nearly killed me. Why the hell should it matter? But I knew why it did...
He stayed.
The moment he hit me, he could have left then. He was fine, fit as a fiddle. And sure, with that abandonment, welcome arrest warrants and felony charges with a hit and run...
...Or he could have just left when they declared him in perfect health-a Christmas miracle, without the Christmas- he didn't have to do this. But... he did it anyway. When I faltered on my last word he turned slightly towards me. There was this... look... in his eyes... I tried to place it, but I came up with nothing.
"Please? I mean you don't have to...go." I finally finished in small voice.
"Are you sure? You don't have to do this, feel like you owe me. You owe me nothing." he stated. I noticed how he spoke, he sounded funny to me, not in an nasally way, but in a old timely way I suppose...
I said "Yes." He gave a slight nod, then he seated himself back into the chair on the other side of the room. "So what's your name?" I asked, not knowing what else to do, it was weird, but at the same time, I didn't have a creep factor from him. I can't explain it but somehow I knew he was safe. Stupid, I know, coming from the girl who almost died at the hands of this Asshat.
"Caspian. You can call me Cas, if you prefer." Careful and soft were his words.
"Nice to meet you." I replied.
"You as well, Samantha." he said with a lilting grin.
He sat in that very chair, for quite some time as we talked about different sorts of things that night. I won't deny, I thought this whole situation was a little weird, but at the same time I was intrigued. Cas was new around here and I thought maybe that explained his oddness. I found him somewhat interesting, and welcome strangely enough. We spoke for hours and hours that evening, until finally I fell asleep.
That night my dreams ran wild. I was taken back to the night of the yellow man and the blue pulsing veil. The phantom of the raw, hot pain was ever present. My screams-whether they were ever verbalized or not mattered little-they shook my body with the power of violent earthquakes. Yellow man was rising ever upward, the blue pulsed and grew, yellow and blue collided, FLASH!
I awoke to a violent scream escaping my lips. My breath was forced and ragged, my skin, as was my coverings were soaked in a cold sweat. My head whipped to the chair where Cas had sat, but he wasn't there.
I can't describe it, but what I can say is, it felt as if my heart dropped an inch or so. Now, if you were to ask me what that actually meant? Well... I had no answer for you. I gulped hard down my throat, closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
On an exhale, I opened my eyes and there Cas was, standing by the window looking over at me. He was leaning in to the sil, probably had been looking out at the night and city lights, when I had my little disturbance. His arms were folded over his chest, but in a soft, self embrace kind of way, and he had one leg relaxed over the other. Our eyes met, lingering for just seconds, when his hands fell to their sides, and he began moving towards me.
He pulled his chair close and sat within it. He scootched a bit closer before settling and laying his hands to rest on my bedside. It was then I realized, I was holding my breath-feeling even more foolish if it were at all possible-I let out the hot air I held inside my lungs. My eyes wandered to Cas and again our eyes met. He placed his hand over mine, in what I can only assume, to be a thoughtful gesture. A chill ran up my back.
My mind raced with possible words to say, things that bellowed from down deep, yet nothing, not a word, came out. "Can I get you anything?" Cas asked in the softest manor. His eyes gazing straight into mine, as he began to caress my hand in his, those eyes never once wavering. My eyes, locked into his, not able to speak, unable to move...
Who was this guy? Touching me as if he knew me like that... all soft, caring, tingly...
"Should I stop?" he spoke softly, just above a whisper. I swallowed, attempting to clear the lump forming in my throat, captivated in those eyes. Finally after what seemed like forever, I managed a slight nod of my head, gesturing as a no.
I'm guessing the machines gave US-I mean me-away, because just then the nurse opened my door. Caspian's hand immediately lifted off of mine and he sat back into the chair with a quickness that even I wouldn't have noticed if it weren't for my hand that he was holding. His eyes faltered for just that moment, then they were right back, looking at me. She left the room door open to allow her some light without turning on mine. She was fiddling with a cart of sorts, couldn't get the wheel to turn properly, I saw her give it a good kick, but she tried to play it off as she finally made it in the room, cart included.
"Hii! My name is Luanne," she said, sounding too chipper for this hour, "I have some medicines to give, vitals to check, and unfortunately some blood to take," on that last part her voice feigned sadness, almost as if I were a child, a child who hated needles. Well, I thought, she was only half wrong.
After she was done with all the above, we got to the matter of me being completely soaked, she stood up, walked over to the cabinets and retrieved some white blankets and another hospital gown in baby booger green, with baby bile yellow dots on it. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside for this," the nurse said, speaking directly to Cas. He gave her a sharp knowing nod as he stood up, he glanced over at me and bowed his head "I'll just be out there, if you need me." he said gesturing to outside the door and walked out of the room.
As she was changing me, she was careful of my bodies fragile state. Swift and with ease she put on new sheets and changed my gown. Just as she was checking the cables and tucking me in she asked, "So, how are you with all of this? Are you ok with that?" her eyes widened while tilting her head to where Cas was. She looked back at me and awaited my response. I wasn't really sure what to say...this was all so surreal. Finally, I decided on "I-I'm Ok, I-I guess...It's fine." It shouldn't have been ok, that was just crazy! But why couldn't I say that?
She locked her eyes onto mine and paused for a moment before, what I can only guess as, deciding that she found my answer acceptable. So she carried on, gave me some more pain meds and made her way out my door. She stopped suddenly, just as she cleared the doorway. She did a double take, then she glanced back at me. She gestured with her head my way and then Cas walked in casually from around the door's corner. Hands in his pockets, he closed the door with his foot, encasing the room into darkness. He walked back to his chair at my bedside.
He let out a deep breath as he sat back in the chair and he bluntly asked "What were you dreaming of?"
I, unprepared for his question, let out a deep breath of my own. My mind raced with everything that had been playing up in my mind, like reruns on Tv land. How could I explain it? In all honesty I'm not even sure it was real. It felt real, every single second, but the whole thing was just completely insane! It didn't make a lick of sense... a yellow man, a blue light, a flash? He was still looking to me for an answer, so I gave him what I could, "I think, the night of my accident." it flew out on the wings of a whisper.
He became tense, his posture straightened and he bowed his head, wringing his hands in and out like he had done the first time we spoke. I was confused... I mean, it was such a dramatic change for a simple statement. Why would he have changed over something like that? Then it dawned on me... Maybe it was guilt? Seeing how that made the most sense, I voiced my thoughts aloud "It wasn't you. I mean, it wasn't the part where you hit me, that I was dreaming of..." I drifted off. I thought I saw a look of relief flash in his eyes, and that helped with the tension accumulating in my body.
"Oh, Ok. Good...I suppose," he began, but he cut himself off. I was nodding in agreement, then he started again, "Then may I ask exactly, what it was then?" The look on his face, the only way to describe it was... intense, but you could tell he was holding back. I had to look away for a minute to gather my thoughts. When I looked back up, I looked right at him and said "Well, I'm not really sure exactly...It felt so real, but it's more like a dream..."
"You were dreaming of a dream?" he asked perplexed. "No," I mused, "It doesn't make sense, I don't know, it's stupid really..." I finished. "Try me," he gently pressed, as he leaned in closer towards me, holding my hand once more.
"I-It-" my voice shook, I gave a small cough to help steady my voice, "I saw-well I thought I saw-a yellow man... there was this blue light-it pulsed like liquid on bass-and somehow they collided and there was this enormous flash-I know it's ridiculous I know!" I finished with an embarrassed laugh, it sounded so ridiculous aloud. I was warm and slightly itchy then, guessing that the meds were running amuck throughout my veins like children on a playground.
Caspian, although i'm not sure he realized, had squeezed my hand, then dropped it completely. He sat harshly back in his chair, turning his head to the left, letting out a distressed breath. My eyes wanted to close, but I was sure of what I saw. I guess I was feeling brave because it left my lips before I knew it, "I did say, it didn't make sense, no need to be a jerk." He scoffed, completely shocked at what I had said, he looked back at me wide eyed, "I-I wasn't- I didn't, I'm sorry!" he stuttered. I let out a laugh, which in turn caused more confusion on his part.
Finally, I gave in to a losing battle and let my eyes close, but I could still hear clearly. "I've heard of things like that happening," he said his voice so close to my ear. I could feel his hair on my face. He continued, "It's been said to be blood vessels and capillaries bursting in the eye, due to extreme duress brought on by physical disaster. Lack of oxygen to the brain." his voice was so gentle, so close each and every word reverberated in my ear sending shivers down my spine and back up again. My lips parted, my breathing became heavy, "Makes sense," I whispered out,even though I wasn't completely convinced... But sleep took over my body and the night was lost once more.
**************************************************
This continued on for weeks, him being here, us talking, as I awaited my full and speedy recovery. Although not so much the speedy, unfortunately, but fortunate in the fact, that I had found a new friend in an unlikely situation. He was shy sometimes and unsure others, then bold and forward other times. Like I said before, he was odd. But I liked it.
One night, we were up late watching reruns of that 70's show, eating a variety of snacks I smuggled from each meal and some he got from the cafeteria. He opened up a swiss roll, popped it into his pie-hole and moaned aloud, "Oh man! This... this is good!" over each and every savored chew. Who hasn't had a swiss roll? I thought.
From the bottom of our pile I pulled out a package of blue. "Yeah, you think? You should try this bad boy right here! This here fella, will knock you on your ass!" I replied playfully. I was referring to the Oreo brownie with crumbled cookie filling, atop softened chocolate fudge, that I held in my hand.
Oh, my!
He laid next to me on my bed, just like most nights, since they removed my cage. My legs laid free now, on top of the bed, but still in large casts with metal inserted throughout. I had just stuffed a good size chunk of the Oreo brownie in my mouth, when he looked my way and let out a laugh. I smiled back, practically cheesing if you will, waiting to hear the punch line. He was just looking at me with the goofy grin on his face, when his hand reached up and his thumb touched the corner of my mouth. His fingers laid rest, cupping the left side of my face.
His thumb traced across my top of my lip, down, down around to my bottom lip. It was so gentle of a touch... his hands so soft, leaving a whisper of tingles in its wake.My heart rate was elevating. Cas's face softened, "Saving that for later, are we?" he joked.
"Shut up." I blurted out, complete with an eye roll. And it was back to that 70's show for the rest of the evening, until sleep took the reins.
Our unusual whatevership lasted day in and day out, until some weeks later, bringing us to where we are now.
When I would leave for physical therapy, he'd stay around or grab a bite to eat, but never left-I think-not while I was awake anyways. When you think about it like that, for a minute... it kind of sounds creepy. Huh. I didn't seem to think so. Each and everyday he had on fresh clothes, but the same old shoes with the blood stains on them. I think I will make a mental note to ask him about that later, 'What kinda weirdo-'
(Listen^^ to The Scientist by Coldplay NOW)
"Ahem," he cleared his throat nervously, cutting me off in my thoughts, then he continued. "Um, I'm not sure how to go about this..." If he had had one, it seemed his whole atmosphere had changed. No longer was it bright and sunny, but now it seemed, to hold clouds and darkness. I already noticed his nervous demeanor, but now, there was fear in his eyes as well. That set me on edge, essentially becoming the bag of nerves he seemed to be. He was pacing in front of my bed, back and forth... back and forth... head down, hands tight.
"What's going on Cas?" I said, trepidatious of what his reply might be.
"I... I'm... I have to go." he said.
I snorted, "Well sure, I would too, if I could! And I'd ditch those shoes ASAP" I said trying to make light of the situation.
"No, sam..." He said, still pacing away. "No, to the shoes? Or..? I'm confused." I said.
Things started to get real heavy, real fast, for no apparent reason. And here I was, trying to make sense of it all, with not a bit of help from Cas,-who I might add, was the cause of said heaviness! Even though, it seemed to be more than that, I felt a nagging sense of fear creeping in, slowly. Suddenly he stopped pacing. He stood right in front of my hospital bed, locking his eyes on mine, not once wavering, and in a small voice said "No, Samantha, It's not the shoes. I have to leave and I won't be coming back. Do you understand that?"
Cas's face hardened, his soft features now severe. I was right to be weary, to be unsure.He spoke so harshly. The fear I felt inside no longer crept, it seeped into my skin, it slithered into my bones. I felt like it was suffocating my marrow. "Why?" I half cried, disbelieving. That's all I could do. He just kept staring, those molten eyes boring into mine, making me feel things I didn't know I could feel. And even though he wasn't, the look in his eyes made me feel as if he were mocking me, mentally pushing me into a corner I never wanted to be in.
"Why? Is it because you spend every day here, with me? You can go any time you'd like, I never asked you to stay." My voice was so harsh, and I just now realized I was on the defensive, and we all know why people get defensive. So I tried again, "It's just... it's just I didn't expect to be your friend, hell I didn't even expect to know you! But I do! And i'm really, really glad that I do."
I was trying to understand my strong emotions, they felt alien to my core. I was shaking, breathing erratically, my mind was reeling! What the hell was this? Cas is a friend-sure a very new friend-but a friend nevertheless. It didn't make sense to feel so strongly for- ....and then it hit me.
To me, Caspian was not just a friend.
I was in love with Cas... and he was leaving me.
Then that look came back on his face, the one from the first time we spoke, the one I could not place. Well I could place it now, regret. Sorrow stained regret.
Cas regretted me.
That hurt more than I ever thought possible, more than my accident, more then him leaving me. My breathing became laboured, ragged. My lips puckered, quivered, my eyes began to sting that all too familiar sting... No! No I will not cry, not in front of him!
"I am sorry, I am, but this? It never should have been. I have been beyond foolish." Caspian's words were like salt in the wound.
I can't believe this! My eyes were burning, my vision became watery, but I tried my best to hold my ground. I tried. It makes sense, I guess. He had hoped I would let him leave all that time ago, to just walk out that door. But I didn't, it was like I had talked him into staying.
Damn it!
He seemed nice enough, honest, sincere... how the hell could I have been so wrong? I thought we had become some semblance of close?
Could it be? That this whole time, I had known with some inkling that I had loved him? Could it be that I created this all in my head... But I could never admit it. Is that even possible?
My mind was in overdrive. Starting, stopping, backing up and repeating everything from these last few months...I told him things...
"I TOLD YOU THINGS!" I shouted, "That I never would have said to another living soul! I trusted you! I opened myself to you!" I was crying now. My treacherous tears leaking down my face in all their disgusting glory.
There he stood, staring at me, still as stone. Cold as ice my mind seemed to deem. Cas took in a small breath, his left hand twitched upward. His brows were slightly peaked and his mouth moved like he was about to say something, "Goo-" and then he thought better of it, it seems. Instead, he turned and walked out of my room.
"Fuck you!" I yelled out after him.
Goodbye, I think, was what he would have said.
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