L o u i s a
"Picking petals when the party's over. No, it's not any fun. 'Cause I'm fragile and you know this." - Hollow, Tori Kelly
Are you hiding from me, or am I hiding from you?
Do I want to know who you are, or do you want to know who I am?
Do you want to destroy me, or bring me down into the abyss?
I can't tell.
I just want you to go away.
Is that too much for a girl to ask?
*
"Your sister is coming back next week, you know that right?"
I nod. "Yes Mum. You told me about it in the afternoon."
"How exciting. We haven't seen her since the semester started."
Which was only a couple of weeks ago, but of course, I don't voice it.
But then again, it's only Mum who has seen her. I haven't. I haven't seen Lowel since she left the house.
But truthfully, I haven't seen the real her in a long time.
"Please go and clean her room. I washed and changed her bedsheets last night. You only need to sweep and mop it. I want her room to be as perfect as possible, just like when she last left it," she says, overly excited. "Oh, and head to the store to pick up some fresh fish and salad leaves and some herbs. I want you to prepare her favourite dish the night she returns. You know what it is."
I nod once again. "Yes, Mum. I will do just as you say."
She claps her hand, just for the sake of it. "I can't wait to see the look on her face when she returns home."
I sigh, rolling my eyes. Everything has always been about her. Mum says that she loves both her children equally, but, honestly, I think it's more than obvious that my older sister is her favourite. I mean, I know she loves me too, but whenever Lowel is home, it's always about her. It's worst now that she left for college last year as she's away from home longer.
I wait a while longer, just in case she has something else to tell me. When it's certain she doesn't, I grab my school bag that I had dumped at my feet and head towards my room, closing the door behind me. Unfortunately for me, the door handle slips from my hand and it slams shut, leaving me cringing at the noise.
"That was an accident!" I yell so that Mum - or Troy - wouldn't think I am having an anger fit or any of the sort.
I throw myself onto my bed, sinking into my soft mattress. I close my eyes, almost drifting asleep, before I realise that I can't afford to do that. My eyes shoot open and I reach for my phone, setting my alarm for 6pm, just in case I do fall asleep.
However, before I allow myself to nap, I head towards my ensuite bathroom, taking my towel that is draped over my chair as well as a fresh change of clothes in my chest of drawers along the way.
I shut the door and hang all my clothes - and towel - on the hooks behind the door and undress myself, untying my hair in the process. I step into the shower and switch on the water, the warm water running down my body, which feels like a relief, especially since everywhere else is cold, or at least, relatively cold.
What do you expect? It's springtime.
Well, at least it's getting warmer now that summer is around the corner.
I soap myself and shampoo my hair quickly before washing all of it off, not wanting to waste any unnecessary time in the bathroom. Once I am done, I turn off the tap and the water ceases. I snatch my white towel off the hook and start drying myself. I dress in a white, turtleneck shirt and dark grey sweatpants, wrapping my wet hair in the towel.
I exit the bathroom and proceed to lying down on my bed. I take my phone and unlock it, checking to see if my alarm is, indeed, set to the correct time, before drifting off to sleep, the tiredness finally winning me over.
*
"Louisa! Lowella is coming back today at noon. Have you cleaned her room yet?" Mum calls out from the living room.
"Yes, Mum," I reply, making a mental note to check if I have thrown out the rubbish in her room.
In my defence, I was tired and there was a dustbin in her room. Obviously, the smart thing to do would be to throw out the dust from sweeping into the bin. Not that Mum will care. If she finds out, she'll probably just scold me for being irresponsible. At this point, I'm just hoping she doesn't go into her room before I do. And before Lowella comes back.
But if she does come back before I get the chance, let's just hope she doesn't notice the trash.
"Could you run to the supermarket after dinner and buy the best quality fish and potatoes you can find? And some salad ingredients and whatever herbs or other ingredients you'll need to prepare dinner with? Pass me the receipt after. I'll pay you back."
"Yes, Mum."
Honestly, I feel like I've said the words 'Yes, Mum' one too many times in the past seventeen over years I have lived in this house. Someone should come up with a synonym for it or something along those lines.
"I can't wait to see the look on my precious daughter face when she sees that I have prepared her favourite."
You mean me? You aren't the one who is going to prepare a feast for your 'precious daughter', it's me, Louisa Simmons, who is going to do all that because you don't cook.
But of course, I don't say any of it.
I can't.
They'll kick me out of this house if I do.
As much as I don't particularly like having to do all the work most of the time, I will admit, it's a lot better than having to live on the streets or in the orphanage, though I'll never say that out loud. I don't want to give Mum and Troy any ideas.
Speaking of which...
"Mum! Where is Troy? I haven't seen him for the past few days," I ask, curiosity thick in my voice.
It's not that I haven't noticed that he isn't home. It is more that I keep forgetting to ask Mum where he went off to and, naturally, she doesn't bother telling it to me. I am always left in the dark, or, at best, kept in the dark until the very last minute, or until I ask. Sometimes I wonder why can't she just take the initiative to tell me straight. It's not like we live on opposite ends of the world.
"He's off to Paris for a business trip." That explains it. "I was supposed to follow him, but that was before I realised your sister is back this week. He'll be back tomorrow."
Why aren't I surprise? Anything for her, right? Always anything for her.
What about me?
Sometimes I get jealous of the special treatment Mum gives Lowella, simply because she's the smarter one, just because she's the older one. Sometimes, I wonder why Mum doesn't shower me with as much love and attention as my sister.
Wouldn't that be nice?
A girl can dream.
A series of quick, short knocks echo throughout the living room, pulling me out of my thoughts. It's almost as though the knocks were of no use at all because before any of us could answer, the door bursts open.
"Mother! I'm home!" she calls out, lugging in her baggage.
"Lowella! You're finally home!" Mum cries, clearly pleased.
I take in Lowella's appearance. She's definitely changed a lot since the last time I saw her. Or perhaps it isn't that. Perhaps she didn't just change since I last saw her. Perhaps it's since I've last known her.
Her once dirty blonde hair is now, not only jet black, but filled with streaks of bright colours, ranging from blue to pink to orange. She has a second ear piercing now. Not only that, her choice of outfit has changed as well. From the sundresses and miniskirts to spaghetti straps and black skinny jeans.
I wonder what happened to her.
I wonder what happened to the Lowella I knew.
Lowel, Lowel. What happened to you?
My older sister, Lowella Simmons, who is merely a year older than me, used to be one of my best friends. She used to tell me everything and I, her. But that was a good three years ago, if not more. I don't really know what happened between us. I wish I did. But I don't. It's just that, one day, she upped and left me. Not only figuratively, but literally.
At first, she just stopped telling me everything. She started keeping a lot of things to herself and it was very clear she had more secrets than she let on. Soon, we drifted apart.
Halfway through her senior year, she dropped out of high school and moved across the country to New York City, joining a boarding school located in the outskirts of the country to finish the rest of her senior year. She continued her university education in the city.
I wonder why she did that. It was so abrupt that it shocked everyone, including Mum. But, naturally, Mum let her go.
I wonder what really happened to her.
"Lou! Are you free now? Could you go to the store and buy some body lotion for me? I seem to have left mine in the dorms," my sister calls out, snapping me back into reality, placing her suitcases on the floor.
I grunt in frustration, slamming my Chemistry textbook shut, knowing that I couldn't refuse her even if I wanted to, even if I have the most acceptable of excuses, as Mum will yell at me to no end.
"On it!" I call back, trying my best to hide my annoyance.
I snatch my sling bag off the floor, beside my foot of the dining table. So much for studying. Why did I think that it was a good idea to study downstairs?
I slip into my black converse, grabbing my sweater from the hook behind the door and head out. The moment I step out into the open, a cool breeze hits me in the face and I shiver, stuffing my hands into my pockets as soon as I close the door, my hands already starting to get cold.
The walk to the grocery store is a quiet one, but then again, when isn't it? And I also may have forgotten to bring my earphones and iPod so the quiet walk may have been my fault.
I am the only one in the house to do domestic shopping, no matter how busy I am. They never bother to do any of the chores at home. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Is it because my family is under the impression that I'm the most free in the house, simply because I am the youngest?
Honestly, even a blind person can see that I most definitely am not.
After all, it is my final year at high school. You know, all the tests and assignments and everything. I am barely able to juggle between school and house chores. It's so bad to the point that I don't even have time to study. I may be able to finish my homework but it's not the same as actually revising through my work.
Perhaps that is why I've been barely passing most of my classes.
I let out a sigh, suddenly feeling exhausted, almost like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and i can't do anything about it. I know it seems like I am wallowing in my own sorrow and bathing myself in self pity but I'm not, I really am not.
I try my best not to feel so upset all the time. But the everything is just too overwhelming for me right now and it's crushing me.
I don't understand those people who purposely seem to feel upset all the time just so they can be in the centre of attention. If they have something to fight for, they shouldn't be as upset as they seem.
I wish I had something that I could fight for. A passion, a friendship, something. But I have nothing. I'm lost and alone and confused and I don't know what to do. I'm just born this way and am destined to live a horrid life. There's no point in trying.
*
I knock on her door and wait for the reply.
"Come in," she says moments later.
I nod, before realising that it is useless to acknowledge the reply as she can't see me anyway. I open the door and peep inside.
"I've brought the soap," I start. "If I'm not mistaken, this is the one you use, though I'm not quite certain. It's been a while."
I show her the bottle of milky white liquid soap. She nods, a wide grin on her face.
"Yup! That's the one."
I walk towards her and pass her the soap. "Is there anything else you would like me to get? Or do?" I ask, out of habit more so than being helpful.
She shakes her head. "Nah. I've got everything I need. Thanks anyway Lou!" she answers brightly.
I nod and head out of her room, closing the door gently behind me.
I let out yet another tired sigh, allowing my tensed shoulders to relax, not realising them to be tensed in the first place. She's got everything she needs alright. In fact, she has more than she will ever need. And me? Well, I have none.
I never will.
I'll never have enough. But then again, isn't it human nature to always be wanting more?
I trudge towards my room, only to find it already opened. Bewildered, I push open the door and walk cautiously in. I wonder who came in while I was gone.
Upon seeing my room in the state I left it in, I shrug the matter off, shutting the door. It might've been opened by accident. Or perhaps I left the door open by accident when I was leaving. There are many reasons as to why it's opened, and not just that someone came in.
But for some reason, I can't help but shake the feeling off.
Stop it, Lou. You're reading too much into this petty issue. It's no big deal.
And with that, I make a beeline towards my wardrobe and take out some clothes I may be needing for my trip this summer. I remove some halter neck shirts, T-shirts, dresses and sundresses, skirts, jeans and tights as well as some undergarments from their place in the wardrobe and place them neatly into my open suitcase beside me.
I glance at its contents. I already have my toiletries, makeup and shoes in there. The only things left are my books and my electronics, which will all go in my backpack.
"Oh wait. My swimsuit," I mutter to myself.
I walk back to the wardrobe and take out my black one piece swimwear and put it in my bag. I survey it's contents once again before zipping it shut.
There, I'm done.
I head towards my bed and lie down, wanting to get some rest before the long drive to Westfields tomorrow.
Finally, I can get out of this house, even if it's only for the summer.
*
"Don't cause your aunt any trouble, Louisa," Mum says, her eyes focused on the road.
"Yes, Mum," I reply, looking at the greenery outside.
Mum starts rambling on about how she doesn't want any phone calls from my aunt about my misbehavior, paraphrasing the same thing over and over again. I open my backpack and reach for my iPod and earphones.
I pop in the earbuds and plugged it into my iPod before hitting the shuffle button, cranking the music all the way up and close my eyes, leaning my head against the cool window of the car. The sound of electric guitars and drums exploded into my ears, shutting off the rest of the world from my ears.
Allowing me to escape reality and plunge into a world where darkness only exists in lyrics.
[A/N This is one of the longest chapters I've written to date. I'm trying to write longer ones so expect chapters around this length, if not longer, throughout this book. But I make no such promises haha]