Dan sat down at the kitchen table, still half asleep and only half alert. He poured himself a bowl of cereal in hopes that the sugar would help wake him up. He didn't want to have to resort to coffee but he would if he had to. "Morning." He mumbled to the two adults in the room. Both his mother and father looked wide awake and ready to tackle the day.
"Morning Hun, did you sleep well?" Dan nodded to his mother, sending her a sleepy smile. She nodded back in approval as she poured him a glass of orange juice and sat it down on the table for him. "Oh I wanted to let you know that I called the trip adviser, I went ahead and canceled that summer thing of yours." Dan dropped his spoon before spinning around in his seat to look at her.
"What, you mean the Australia trip?" He asked in shock. "Mum what are you talking about, you know I'm going, it's been paid for. I already have my ticket and everything, what do you mean you canceled it?" He couldn't have heard her right.
Westville had a program that Dan had waited three years to be invited to. Every year it sent a group of students to a different country for two months to study a different culture and broaden a student's horizons. That year's trip was to Australia, while it wasn't the place Dan had wanted to go he'd finally been given the chance and he wasn't about to pass that up. It looked wonderful on future applications and resumes. If you did well in the two month program Westville offered up more opportunities. He'd kept his grades up, showed an interest in the program, completed volunteer work, and overall worked hard to meet all the requirements.
"Don't worry son, your mother talked to them and they're willing to give us a full refund." His father added, taking another sip of his coffee. "I told her to let you talk to the adviser but she went ahead and did it for you."
Dan shook his head. "Why would you do that, I didn't want you to do that." He was too confused to sound angry, had he missed something? He had one summer left before his final year, he'd wanted to do something meaningful with it.
"Honey, you can't just pack up and go away for two months, you're someone's alpha. How do you think Phil's going to feel being alone for two months while you're out doing God knows what?" His mother huffed, not fully comprehending what her son didn't understand.
"I'm not going to be doing 'God knows what' I'm going to be learning shit, you know that!" Dan snapped, looking at her like she'd grown two heads. What did Phil have to do anything, while he hadn't talked to the omega about the trip, he knew he'd understand. Two months really wasn't that long, sure he'd miss him but it wasn't that big of a deal.
"Hey language." His father sighed, pushing his cup away. "And we know that, but you can't expect Phil to. Omega's don't like being without their alpha, it's hardly fair to him. How would you feel about him going away over the summer for two months?"
Dan paused as he took the thought into consideration. 'I wouldn't like it.' He thought to himself. 'But if it was something he really wanted to do I'd let him. I'd understand, wouldn't I?' It was more than Dan just having a summer holiday, it was a chance to excel and get ahead.
"Things are changing, you have someone else you need to think about now. You're going to have include your omega in on everything. And there are going to be sacrifices you have to make, Dan. It's the way it is. Life isn't all about you anymore, the welfare of someone else is in your hands." His mother frowned, grabbing a dishtowel and wiping down the counter.
"We're not even bonded yet! I think he can handle himself for two months." Dan's father sighed again, not liking the attitude that was being dished out. "This isn't fair, I didn't sign up for this. What about what I want, what about my dreams?"
"They come second. You know this, what have I been telling you for your whole life Daniel?" Dan stared at his father in disbelief. He'd always encouraged him to go after what he wanted, what changed? "If you're half the alpha you claim to be you're going to put your omega first. I suggest you get your priorities straight. An omega depends on you, bonded or not."
"You're meant to be on my side. This isn't about Phil, if I had known you weren't going to let me go I wouldn't have worked so hard last summer. It's not like we have a baby and a house together."
"But it is about Phil, it's going to be about him for the rest of your life Dan." His father was close to pulling his hair, was it really that hard to understand? He'd taught Dan what it meant to be an alpha but apparently he still had some learning to do. "And even if you don't bond with him there will be another omega and you'll still have to put them firs. Are you with me? What are you going to do when you have children, huh?"
Dan didn't bother to respond, he silently got up from the table and headed straight back to his room, mumbling something about going out.
As he stepped into his room he gently lowered himself down onto his bed. He could live without going to Australia, that wasn't what bothered him so much. This was exactly why he hadn't wanted to be with anyone in the first place. He knew he'd have to give up more than he wanted to. He cared about Phil more than he'd ever cared about anyone before. But all he could picture was his dreams going up in smoke. There were things he wanted to pursue and at that moment it felt like it was the beginning of the end for him. It was selfish and he knew it but Dan wasn't ready to settle down. He had his whole life ahead of him.
And was it really fair to Phil? An alpha who still wanted to run wild for a couple more years? No omega wanted that. They wanted someone with a good education, someone with a great job, somebody who provided for them. An alpha who was ready to settle down and have a family. An alpha who was ready and willing to put them first and foremost. Dan wanted to be there for Phil but he didn't know if he could give him that. Could he be that stability that Phil needed in his life?
He sniffled softly, Dan had no answers to give himself. All he knew was that he'd promised Phil they'd spend the day together. He forced himself to pull it together long enough to get dressed and text the omega back.
It was one of those days where the cold did more than just nip at your nose. In Phil's opinion the cold was practically gnawing on his bones. It looked like it would rain at any moment but still Dan and him had ventured out.
The park might not have been the most romantic place but neither seemed to care. "Want to swing?" Phil asked lightly while held tightly to Dan's hand. Partly for warmth and partly for the sake of being close. The two of them were the only ones there, probably seeing how everyone in their right mind was someplace with heating.
"Yeah, if that's what you want." Dan knew Phil had been thinking. For the last couple of days he'd been on the quiet and reserved side. Dan couldn't figure out what was wrong or what had been on the other's mind. Ever since the 'almost fight' in the cafeteria Phil hadn't exactly been the same. "I'll push you." Then again he'd been caught up in his own thoughts as well.
Phil smiled as he hopped up onto the swing and gripped the cold chains as Dan stepped behind him. "You know I haven't been pushed on a swing since I was probably like eight or something." He said as Dan pulled the omega back by his seat, taking a couple quick steps back before letting go.
"Really?" Dan forced a soft laugh, there was no reason for Phil to know that his soul was suffocating. "I always liked to do it myself." He said as he pushed the omega as soon as the swing came close once again. Dan trailed back into silence and Phil didn't seem like he had much to say either, they spent the next fifteen minutes like that. Neither of them speaking but each knowing that there was something unsaid and hanging in the air.
"Dan...do you remember the fight?" Phil asked softly. Dan held back a sigh, so the omega was still mad about it. He'd thought he'd gotten off the hook with that one. "I said something and I guess I didn't really think about it, I don't think either of us did." Dan furrowed his eyebrows, still though he stayed quite in order to give Phil the chance to talk. "I know you were really upset up and I was just blurting things out...I didn't even realize I'd said it."
"What are you talking about?" Dan asked as he pulled Phil to a stop so that they could properly talk. He moved over to the swing next to Phil, taking a seat before adding, "I remember PJ making fun of me and then feeling guilty afterwards...what did you say?"
"Well..." Phil hesitated for a moment, he was starting to get nervous all over again. "I said I loved you. I didn't exactly want to say it like that but...and then I didn't get the chance to talk to you about it. I doubt you even heard me." Phil's voice shook as he spoke. It had never been the plan to add 'I love you' to the scolding he'd given the alpha. But it had happened and he didn't just want to forget it.
Dan stared for a moment, unsure of what to say. "Yeah I guess I wasn't listening very well. I was having a bit of an adrenaline rush and all. It's not that I don't listen to you, I'm usually not that...distracted."
Phil smiled at him but it was a worried one and Dan's stomach started to twist painfully. He loved every smile Phil gave him but that one? He didn't like that one at all. "Right, well um...bad timing I know, but I-I love you." He continued to stare at Dan almost pleadingly, blues eyes locked onto brown as he waited expectantly.
"Oh." Dan whispered softly. Part of him filled with a warm and brilliant feeling. While the other part of him wanted to run as far as he could. It was that feeling he'd gotten when he first met Phil, he felt like the walls were closing in on him and there was nowhere to go.
On the other swing Phil could almost hear his heart break. "You don't have to say it back!" He added quickly, shaking his head for affect. "I know it's really soon...and I shouldn't have even brought it up. God I'm stupid, you didn't even hear me say it. I never should have said anything." Phil rambled while tears started to prick his eyes.
"It's not that...you know I feel the same way." Dan mumbled as looked off somewhere past Phil. He wanted to say it back but the words of his parents still clogged his thoughts. Again he thought of his life and his future. Did being with Phil really mean he'd have to put aside every dream he'd ever had, did he have to sacrifice everything?
"Can you say it? I mean can you say it back to me?" Phil asked weakly, he was doing everything he could not to let the tears fall. Mentally he was yelling at himself, why he'd actually thought this was going to go over well was beyond him. Still he was hoping against all hope that Dan was going to say it back.
Dan and Phil sat there for what seemed like forever. The only sound was the squeaky chain of the one empty swing left as he wind forced it back and forth. Dan had long since given up on looking at those pained eyes of Phil's, instead his own eyes were glued to the ground. It didn't take long for Phil to understand Dan's silence.
"It's raining." Phil whispered as he glanced up at the sky. The frigid drops sprinkled down onto his pale cheeks and mixed with the hot tears that had begun to spill. "I think we should go." Phil swallowed the painful lump his throat as he slid off the swing, waiting for Dan to do the same.
"Yeah I guess it is." Dan added, still not finding it in him to look at the omega. He offered his hand to Phil but wasn't surprised when it was met with emptiness. "I'm sorry, you know that right?" He asked as they made their way past the streets and sidewalks before making it to Phil's neighborhood. "I just need some time." He said as he finally looked up at Phil. Instantly Dan wished he hadn't, the omega looked so defeated. Dan knew he was trying to hide the heartache but it was written all over his face.
"No I just...I know that Dan. I understand. I'm willing to give you all the time you need. I'd never push you, even if you can't stay it back I still love you." Phil sighed, giving Dan another pained smile. "I feel a bit rejected but...I'm still your omega if you're still my alpha." Dan shifted again and opened his mouth to say something. But when nothing came out Phil sighed again knowingly. "Or do you need time for that too?"
"Phil no, I'm just going through something right now. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you." Dan wanted to cry too right then. He could sense the hurt on Phil, he could smell it. It made his protective instincts kick in. He wanted to comfort him, take away all the bad feelings and tell him how everything would be okay. But he was the one who'd hurt the omega. He reached out to grab onto him but Phil was too fast. He quickly stepped back, not bothering to hide his unhappiness.
"I think I might need some time as well, maybe we both do." Dan had never seen Phil's current expression before. He'd never hurt anyone like how Phil was hurting. Instantly he wished he could take back his words just to make him feel better. "So I think I need to go now." Phil looked down at the ground and the puddles that had started to form.
"I'm not breaking up with you...if that's what you think I'm doing." Dan attempted feebly, wanting to make that clear to Phil. The omega shook his head, giving Dan his own apologetic look. It was Dan's turn to feel somewhat rejected. "Phil?" He asked again starting to get scared himself.
"If I'm honest, I don't really know what you want from me right now. But I know you're in pain too. Something is bothering you and its bad because if it wasn't you wouldn't be doing this. You've got feeling as well and I might not understand them but I hope you figure them out." Phil hesitated before going on. "So go home, work on whatever you need to and I'll...work on this." He moved his hand between them to of them, referring to what had just happened. "I'm here if you need me. Just let me know if it works out okay?" Phil turned around not able to look at the alpha anymore. "Or when you've had enough time."
Dan stood there in shock, he didn't know what had just happened. One minute he was Phil's alpha and the next...well he wasn't sure anymore. "I haven't walked you home though." Dan's own voice waivered as he tried to get Phil to turn back around. He wanted to run after him and convince Phil that he'd been wrong. He didn't want to lose him but he didn't want to be tied down either. Regardless of his confliction his feet stayed put, not once moving.
"Yeah, I know. I'll be fine." Phil called out still not turning around as he kept moving. The tears fell and his heart hurt more than it ever had. Already he was starting to forget what happiness felt like. He wanted to scream, beg, and sob, anything to make Dan stay. 'I might be the one walking away but he's the one who's leaving.' Phil thought to himself. God it felt like somebody had reached into his chest and yanked his heart out before tossing it on the ground. He didn't know he could hurt so much, he'd never realized it was possible. Just like he'd never realized it was possible to love someone so much either. It took everything he had not to break down right there.
Phil kept walking though, not once looking back until he reached his front door. For all he knew Dan could still be standing there in the rain. If Dan needed time he could give him that. It didn't matter that he was practically in agony, he wanted Dan to have everything he'd ever wanted. And that was the irony of it all. Phil was the one willing to put Dan and his needs first. Phil was the one who knew he'd be just fine sacrificing anything he needed to as long as it made Dan happy. "If he needs to chase the sun or whatever than he should do that." Phil mumbled before pushed his front door open and stepping to the warmth. While the heating was on full blast, Phil felt none of it. He'd gone numb.