Chapter 4
Jan and Shannon picked me up to go shopping with them for Christmas. I was a little reluctant to begin with but I went anyway. There was some tension there at first since Shannon and I weren't exactly that close. Later I found that that tension was there for a different reason.
We were looking at clothes for Brooke. While I helped try to find some things she might like, my thoughts kept traveling to what I needed to shop for myself. I honestly didn't know if I should get anybody anything; it wasn't like I ever shopped for people before let alone for Christmas. I wanted to get Luke something and maybe Francis. But it wasn't like I knew what Mike liked or Jan. Clare was off the table so we can just forget I brought her up. And it wasn't at the top of my list to get anything for Shannon either. Hell, I didn't even think they were going to get me anything anyways.
Either way, I picked up some duct tape and a few cards. Before you say anything, remember: first time guys. Cut me some slack. And the duct tape is for something cool so don't judge!
When Jan said she wanted to go look for Shannon and wanted to split off for a bit, all I could do was internally sigh. I was left alone with Shannon in the middle of the mall. Joy to the world. Looking into her light brown eyes as she stood before me, she glanced to me after she watched her mother walk away towards another store. She gave me a small smile and I saw something rather shocking coming from her and that I didn't see earlier today. And that was guilt.
Clear and honest guilt and sympathy; it confused the hell out of me coming from someone who seems stuck up a lot of the time (or maybe just around me). We had a few nice conversations in the past but they were all full of some type of tension and some forceful smiles. Now, we were all alone in the mall and I could feel something else in the air between us. And I wasn't sure what it was but I knew it was something big that was never there before.
"Do you want to get something to eat?" she asked me, looking towards the tables set up at the food court. Only a few other people around to stare at me, the smell of greasy food, and knowing I could finally sit down after hours of walking around... hell yeah man.
"Um, sure..." I said, still unsure what was up with her. Eyeing her up, she just nodded and smiled before she quietly walked towards one of the tables with me behind her.
A few minutes later, we both had our food and were sitting across from each other. Taking a bite of my cheeseburger, I looked back up to her and noticed something strange: she wasn't eating. She was just staring at me with a tormented stare, shoulders tense. When she saw that I caught her eyes, she took a shaky breath and looked down at the table.
That didn't stop me from stuffing my face full. I had a good idea what her issue was at first: we were alone together. At least, that was my first guess. After a few more minutes though, I second guessed myself because there were a few things that just seemed off. I figured she would be a little snotty towards me but she looked so full of grief. After a few more bits and a sip of pop, I realized it had to be something else that was bothering her like this.
I still couldn't go on sitting here with her, knowing there was something she needed to say to me, whatever it was. An insult, confession starter, a joke... whatever but it looked as if she would get sick soon if she didn't do or say whatever it was to me.
"Are you alright?" I asked. "Food not up to your overly high standards?" I asked politely to disguise what was a slight insult to her.
She took a deep breath, resting her elbows on the table after pushing her food away from her. Her eyes meeting mine in a more meaningful manner, I saw her jaw tighten before she spoke, her voice nothing but a whisper it seemed.
"I--I'm sorry," she said in a high pitched whisper, having trouble speaking it seemed. Before she appeared completely fine. Though of course, she avoided me the whole time and I returned the favor as well. She might have just been keeping her guard up around her mother for some reason over whatever this was. Turns out that was true.
"...For what?"
She pursed her lips, looking away but only for a moment before she knew she had to answer. "For uh... for not believing you."
I didn't believe my ears at first. How could I? Her words were just so impossible at the moment; out of nowhere. My first thoughts were, 'was she thinking the same thing I was?' Because I took away from her words that she now believed that I was sane, normal, not crazy. Could she have meant something else? I mean, her words were clear but it just seemed crazy if she just believed me, out of all people, and out of nowhere. She wasn't too fond of me and sure, we got along good enough I guess compared to other people.
"You believe me? You... know the truth?" I asked, my voice lower.
She nodded and I saw her eyes begin to water, rims turning red. Swallowing hard, she closed her eyes for a minute, trying to get it together before opening them. "Yes. I know the truth. I know about Clare, about what she did to you." Her voice remained quiet. I wasn't sure if it was because she was ashamed of herself for realizing how she treated me before or because she didn't want anybody to overhear. I figured both.
"How? Did Luke tell you?" That had to be it. Either him or Francis and after I asked, I was trying to come up with a reason as to why they would. I mean, this was top secret shit we were talking about. Nobody knew about this - not even Mike or Jan; they still assumed I had a mental condition. It was bad enough Francis knew about it. Why would they tell Shannon?
"Yeah," she sighed. "He needed to. He needed my help. I work at a doctors office and had access to records he didn't and couldn't get, even though he is a cop. He had me find some old medical records on Clare. It's somewhere in that file he gave you to look through. He gave you the file, right?"
I nodded in a daze. "Luke gave it to me over a week ago. He said it had everything on Clare's past."
"That includes medical records mostly, which I needed to find. Apparently, he was able to get a hold of other reports and included it in the folded but I had to find the medical ones. It would look suspicious if a cop requested medical records for his wife. He wouldn't have been able to take them either way so that was up to me."
I sat back a bit, thinking over everything she told me so far. Of course, Luke wouldn't have been able to openly take records from a place he had no access to. So he needed his sister help. I could feel a smile spread over my face. Not because she helped us out but because now, she knew the truth she did more than go against.
Luke and Francis both realized the truth. But even before that happened, they weren't mean to me. They didn't hold my 'condition' against me even when they thought it was real or true. Shannon did and now that she knows the truth, this was a new low for her. Francis and Luke, they were sorry they didn't see it before. But Shannon... she had other reasons to be sorry.
I tried hiding my smile. I was grinning at the misery she was feeling now. The misery she had because she knew how wrong she was to judge me, to look at me with disgust, and to stay away from me. I wanted to rub it in her face and make her cry. At the same time, I knew that was wrong for the fact that she helped, a lot, and was now on my side.
It felt strange... as if I was her superior now. It honestly made me happy at the moment to see how upset she looked at herself. And this was someone I didn't really consider to be that bad; we had a few nice moments in the past despite her judging. I could only imagine what it would feel like to see the shame cross someone's face that was really nasty to me if they even found out the truth - and if we ever uncovered it.
She saw my smile, my satisfaction to her knowing that I wasn't crazy. "I... I'm so sorry," she shook her head, trying to explain to me how much she meant that. She bit her lip before she continued. "You have a right to feel smug over it. You have a right to smile at my pain. Because I said so many mean things to you, I judged you, and I was like everyone else in this shitty world. I mean...." She took a shaky breath before swallowing hard again. "My whole family welcomed you. Even when they didn't know the truth - and still don't - they were nice and open to you, didn't judge you. But I did. I went right along with society's cruel rules to hate on you and I'm so sorry for that."
"Why did you?" I asked, not feeling as smug. Damn emotions.
"I... I don't know. I felt like you deserved it because of all those things I heard about you. I heard... you were crazy, someone who ruined peoples lives. I didn't believe them about you being a killer but I did believe you were bat-shit crazy and deserved to suffer. And I--I...." she swallowed again and I watched from across the small space as tears started to slowly roll down her face.
I just stared at her as she let her tears fall before trying to wipe them away. I wasn't comfortable around her now that she was getting really emotional. It was different and I wasn't sure how to react but to just sit there and wait for her to get it together. I wasn't ready to offer her any sympathy yet but I knew where she was coming from and understood.
"I'm just so sorry, Albany." She wiped away her remaining tears that held the black material from her make-up. She sniffed and pulled herself together enough to continue talking. "I don't expect you to forgive me now. I don't want you to. I just want you to know how... how much I am on your side now. I feel as responsible for your hard life as Clare is responsible. And I hate her so much, knowing that everything you said was true. I can only imagine how much more there is and how much you have been though."
After she finished speaking, she just stared at me, waiting for a reaction. And because she was honest with me from the time she met me, I would be honest with her. "I don't know if I can forgive you right now, like you said. I don't really want to because it feels so good to know that... well, that you are suffering right now because I feel that you deserve it. But I will forgive you eventually because I know you were just naïve and ignorant and weren't doing anything besides going along with what you thought was true."
She nodded, understanding and before she could say anything else - if she was going to - I spoke first. "I also have a feeling your negativity you had towards me before had something to do with your sister being taken." I wasn't sure why I said that; I mean yeah it was true, I thought her sister had some to do with how she acted but why bring it up? Maybe to point out just what her problem really is to begin with.
Her brown eyes widened when I mentioned her sister. She probably figured I never knew about her because Luke is sensitive about it and doesn't talk about her. When I told Francis that Luke told me about Hailey, he was shocked Luke would come out and tell me something so personal. Shannon saw how huge this was too, for her brother to tell me about that.
"Luke... told you about Hailey?"
I nodded. "Yeah. He also told me just how everybody was affected by it. He said that it changed you in a way, where you closed yourself off and became kind of snotty."
She looked a little mad that he would say that about her. But she sighed a moment later and nodded. "That's true. I changed.... I became snotty, thinking I was better than anyone else. I didn't like it but it was better than dealing with what happened like I should have."
Before you guys get all mushy on me, I'm not doing this because I was enjoying talking to her about this. I just wanted to make her feel a little better was all. And though I didn't like talking about this at all, I felt she deserved to know. After all, she knows the truth and this was kind of the center of finding evidence.
"You know," I said after a moment. "I had a sister before. Her name was Emily."
Her lips parted in a slight gasp and she gaped at me. "You have a sister?"
"Had. Clare killed her. That's what all this is about. We are trying to get evidence and lock her away for all that she's done to me and for killing my sister. That's why we needed all those records and files to look through."
A long silence existed between us and it was as I expected from the look on her face: Luke told her as little as possible. That was the smart thing to do, not explain the reason behind the files but I didn't see the harm. Plus, this would help her childish self or hopefully it would.
"Oh my god," she finally said under her breath, looking down at her cold food. She shook her head again before looking back up to me. "I... I had no idea that it was... that bad. I can't believe she would do that." More tears came and she covered her mouth with a hand in disbelief.
I nodded and went on. "My point is though that I had a sister. And like you, I miss her everyday. Me and your family are in the same boat, you could say. You just need to deal with it as best as you can."
I sighed. I said what I needed to say on the matter; it was hard enough bringing up Emily and I didn't want to get emotional over it, especially here with her already a mess. I couldn't imagine how she reacted the first time when Luke told her the truth.
She nodded, wiping away another stray tear before she gave me a kind smile. "Thank you. I want you to know that I'm with you, on your side, and will be there for you if you need anything. I'll understand if you don't want to be associated right now with me. Just know the offer stands. I'm sorry Albany."
I sighed and nodded, smiling a little back. It's not like I know how to act with someone as emotional as she was being and constantly apologizing. Yet, at the same time, it was as if I welcomed it it. I kind of liked how open she was and it felt good to tell her a little about what's going on right now. I just knew that I couldn't get too overwhelmed by all this. After all, even if I'm as soft as I've ever been, that doesn't mean I'm use to it.
***
When I entered the house after getting home, later after it was dark, I found Luke sitting on the couch with Clare watching a movie. Of course, it was dark with nothing but the TV and the brightly lit Christmas tree illuminating light on their faces. Wrapped up in a blanket together on the couch, Clare laid over Luke with her head resting on his chest as they watched the movie.
My heart squeezed and I could feel my stomach twist in agony at the sight. When I first walked in though, I saw Luke wasn't even paying attention to the screen. His eyes were resting on the ceiling and his expression showed clear signs of torment and I knew he was hating every second of it. He didn't want to lay with her like he was, he didn't want to watch some movie with her. He didn't want anything to do with her. That's how it always was now. Only now, I could see how much this was starting to get to him.
Once they saw I was home, Clare gave me a fake smile. "Hey, honey how was shopping?"
"Just dandy," I said in just as fake of a voice at her unmoving body. With how much I could see, I noticed something in her eye... a teasing glint. A smug look that told me she was happy I was seeing them looking so close.
I had a good enough idea that Clare knew of my feelings towards Luke, unfortunately. She said she knew I wanted him, basically when she attacked me that day in the school locker room. She said she wouldn't have me stealing him away from her. So she knew how much the sight before me now was getting to me. Of course, all I could do was act as if I didn't care.
"Me and Shannon had a nice conversation," I said, looking towards an already very tense Luke.
His eyes widened and he knew what I was talking about. Looking down to where Clare was laying under him, he carefully and nonchalantly moved her away and sat up to look at me more. He faked a smile and nodded, seeing this as a distraction from her cuddling. "That must have been nice. I'm happy you had fun. We were just watching a movie right now. Do you want to watch it with us?"
His voice was a little on edge and I nearly smiled, knowing he wanted me here so hopefully Clare would back off from him a bit. I sighed and figured if its almost over, why not? He looked so upset right then, I didn't want to refuse.
"Sure," I said, sitting down in the chair, looking towards the screen to some Christmas movie I haven't see before (as if I've seen any).
Glancing over to them on the couch, I saw Luke was still tense and tried to relax back into the couch as best as he could. Of course, when Clare leaned over to him again and wrapped her arms around his neck as she laid against him again, his jaw slightly tightened and his eyebrows dipped. Her weight forcing him to lay fully back again, she rested her head back against his chest and when she did, instead of looking towards the screen, her eyes found mine. There was a gloating shine in them again and before I knew it, she turned up towards Luke's face and connected her lips with his as she kissed him. But this time, she stretched out that kiss until all I could do was force my eyes to the TV and wait it out.
By the time I knew they stopped, I knew my heart was half way to breaking point, it was that long. Another second, I probably would have stormed up the stairs. I hated just the thought of them kissing. To know his lips were on mine before and were now on my mothers... you couldn't get any more sick. I hated the thought and refused to think about. But to actually see it happening and how long she was making it go on for.... My breathing turned rapid and I tried to calm it. I could feel Luke's eyes find me after they broke away and I refused to look over to him. I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at Clare. I just didn't want to give any of my feelings away since he could read me well and I, right then, was feeling a lot of emotions. Love towards him, hate towards Clare, frustration that he let her do that for so long when he didn't want to and understanding that he had to.
I was happy that the rest of the movie was only half an hour more because I couldn't take much more when Clare started kissing him again near the end. When the end credits started to roll, I was on my feet and heading towards the stairs, not sparing them a look.
"Night," I said curtly as I quickly made my way up the stairs. I was so wound up and with so much... a very bipolar day if you ask me. I could only imagine how tomorrow - Christmas day - would be.
I surprisingly fell asleep quickly that night. But it wasn't long until I felt something wake me. Half conscious, I didn't know what the hell it was shaking me but once I was fully conscious, I had a pretty good idea. Opening my eyes, all I could see above me was an outline of a figure. Soon, with my eyes adjusting to the darkness, I could see it was Luke sitting beside me from the moonlight casted on him from my window.
Sitting up slightly, I forced my tired eyes open and to him. "What the hell dude?"
I heard him scoff slightly and when I looked him square in the eye, the pain radiating from them, the day came back to me. That talk with Shannon and Clare constantly kissing him during the movie. Neither should have really caused much of a reaction from me but it did and I didn't like how many feelings were going through me - and how many were returning at the memory.
"I need to talk to you," he said quietly, seeing how tired I still was. When I looked at the clock though, it was only 1:43 in the morning.
"What do you want?" I sighed, not wanting to talk to him. I was actually a little angry at him now, even though I know I shouldn't be. It was Clare that was all over him and it's not like he wanted to kiss her. I wasn't jealous of her; I was jealous of the position she was in as him as her husband. That was it.
He didn't say anything at first and I saw the torture in his eyes again. I felt my lips purse and I couldn't stop my words after adverting my eyes. "Well, come on, you woke me up now start talking. Otherwise, go back to bed to your precious little wife," I said, sliding back down in my bed more, and covering my head with the covers, wanting to block everything out.
"Are you upset?" he asked, voice unsure when he grabbed the covers over me and moved them back to see me.
"I'm tired."
"I know the difference." His eyes studying mine, I saw a strange light come to his face and a soft smile he tried to hide. He didn't try to go anymore into that. He changed the subject and brought up his reason for coming in to talk with me. "Um, anyway, what did Shannon tell you?"
I groaned, sitting back up and knowing I couldn't fight my way out this one. Sighing, I began to tell him what happened at the mall. "Shannon told me she knew the truth. That you told her because she was the only one that could get the files we needed. Why didn't you tell me?"
He shrugged, sighing. I could see it in his face that he was just sick of this; talking about busting Clare and anything that had to do with things like that that were suffocating him. I could tell it was starting to get to him. Of course, he knew this was important to talk about.
"Shannon wanted to be the one to tell you. She said she owed it to you for how awful she has been."
"She really wasn't that bad to begin with; it could have been worse. I also told her a bit about... Emily."
He raised an eyebrow. "You did?"
I nodded. "She needed to hear it. Also, she should know why we needed the files to begin with so I told her it was to get evidence against Clare. I didn't see a reason to leave her in the dark if she already knew the truth."
He sighed but nodded. "I understand. Hopefully, it opened her eyes a bit. Anyway, I'm sorry I woke you. I just wanted to know what she said. You need your rest for tomorrow."
He was right about that - emotionally and physically I needed the rest. It was going to be a busy day. It was my first real Christmas. I wasn't sure what to expect or how it would pan out. Eager to find out and scared at the same time, he left and let me get back to bed a few moments later
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Hey, kind of short but I didn't want to continue with Christmas morning in this chapter. So what did you guys think now that Shannon knows the truth? Kind of strange writing this one because I really tried to stress the changing emotions going through everyone and how it could have been a bit confusing for them. Anyway, I hope you are enjoying the book so far!