Part 8 : Inner Sadness and Hormones.
*. March 4th .*
"Tell me everything about you. You can go on for hours. I don't mind." I told him softly and slowly. I took a deep breath as we stared at each other. Standing in the drive way in the moist air of the United Kingdom, my home of 10 years. I watched the empty book - yet so open - boy stand before me. He walked closer and spoke.
"Only if you tell me about you." He said. His eyes were hesitant as I nodded and I turned and started to walk. He followed me as I could hear the sound from his feet hitting the pavement. I was getting nervous to learn other things from his history and I was even more nervous telling him some of the stuff about me that no one really knew except my inner self. I was still wondering if I should.
I pulled out my key from my bag and quickly unlocked the door. I held it for him as he walked in and stood there confused on where to go. I softly smiled and walked up to my room as he followed like a lost puppy. It was different seeing him so vulnerable and I felt triumph from the fact that I did it to him.
My room was silent when we both walked in. When I took a seat on my bed, he followed. I leaned on my headboard as he sat with poor posture in front of me. I watched him and waited for answers. He just looked at his hands and words floated in my mind.
"I saw scars on his hands and I can tell he gets in fights and criminal stuff." Zoe's voice rang through my mind. I shivered and remembered the first encounter Jackson and I had with each other. It still haunts me but some how I got over it quicker than I thought.
"Tell me." I asks suddenly. He turned towards me and looked confused with my sudden voice.
"Tell you what?" He asks.
"Tell me." I repeated. "Just tell me about you. About your parents, how come you have to live with your uncle? And where has he even been this whole time? I mean, he's getting paid yet he doesn't do much work and just puts it all on you. Like, don't you have school and stuff?" I rambled.
"My parents are dead." He said lifelessly. I gasped and was about to talk but he did instead. "They died a couple years ago. I'm stuck with my uncle because he was the only family that I knew of. So, if he's gone then I don't have anyone else." He paused. It's like I wrote all the words down and he was reading them in his mind. "I'm not sure where he is, and I don't really care. I can only take about 40% of the money you guys give me. The rest he takes."
"And school?" I asked as he stops. I wanted to know. He couldn't be any younger than 17 but he couldn't be older than 25.
He shook his head. "I dropped out in my junior year." He paused. "Not exactly my decision but it didn't matter."
"So," I said quietly. "How old are you?"
"19." He replied. The math came in my head and showed that he was out of school for almost 3 years working. I still wondered about his parents but that seemed to be the most difficult part of this conversation. "Now, it's your turn. Any siblings, maybe a hot sister?"
"Hey!" I hit his shoulder and we laughed. "Yeah, I have a brother. He's off in America doing his college work. What about you, have a hot brother?" I joked.
"Well, no." He smiled. "Girls usually are happy with me." We chuckled. "I have a sister. She kind of left me after my parents died. She was old enough to do it so I guess she just wanted to leave me."
"Well, do you know how old she is? Where she went?" I asked.
"She's probably about 24, now. I'm not sure where she went and I'm not sure if I wanna know." He answered truthfully. I nodded and he spoke. "Her name is Vanessa." He says. No smile or laugh came after he said her name, more like disgust and worry.
"My brother is named Johnny." I smiled. "I miss him. He's been gone for about a year and a half now. Every time the holidays come around, he says he has work and is too busy. Also, I need someone else around here. My dad and step-mom are gonna drive me insane."
"Where's your mom?" He asks.
"She's in America, as well." I answered. "I haven't seen her in a while. She and my dad divorced when I was younger and my dad got remarried and she met someone."
"Do you like your step-dad?" He asks.
"Um," I say. "I haven't really met him before but I guess. I mean, my mom is happy so I should be." I sighed and then shrugged at him. He looked at me and the silence crept upon us. I cleared my throat and spoke. "So, what do you like to do?"
"I don't know," He laughed. I gave him a look and he laughed again.
"You told me you went to the gym." I stated. "What did you do?"
"I was boxing." He answered. I raised my eyebrows to show the interest I had about the activity he likes. "I once got really angry and broke the punching bag. It fell off the chain and I almost got kicked out of the gym. I am known by the manager, Gale, and he likes me as his son so he let me stay."
"Do you, like, compete or something?" I asked stupidly. "Like do you fight with other guys?" I said. He laughs and I look at him. "What? What did I say?"
"Nothing," He says as he stops laughing but still smiles his beautiful smile. "I don't fight with other men, I just train. I, kind of, just hit too hard that I can't exactly fight with the people in my weight class."
"Oh," I replied. "Uh, well how hard do you hit? I mean," I paused. "Never mind. I don't want to know." I laugh.
"Tell me about yourself." He said. "About you. Not your family, your brother or anyone. Just you please."
I took a deep breath before I spoke. "I remember, I started to become sad at just a young age. I didn't like it at the time at all but it started to become a normal feeling. Always there for me when no one else was, it felt like home." I paused. "It became my best friend."
"You were depressed." He said. I wasn't sure if it were a question or if it were him stating a fact. "You don't seem like you would be. Are you feeling like that anymore?"
"I was." I replied. "I guess, I was. I got over it for a little when I found out about getting everything I wanted. I could go to the mall and get everything I wanted. I could ask my dad or my step-mom for whatever I wanted. I don't feel that way right now though or I haven't in a while."
"So, you're happy?" He asked. I nodded and smiled. He smiled and scooted closer to me. I pulled my legs forward. He found his way on the other side of me. We both set our legs straight and we both leaned our backs and heads on the headboard. I looked to him and laughed as he looked at me.
"Are you happy?" I asked him. He looked down and started to twist a silver ring on his middle finger. I finally noticed the scars on his hands and realized they weren't just from hitting something. It looked like it was from himself, like he did it. They were all around his knuckle and his arm.
"No." He answered truthfully. I watched his eyes but they just looked at me. His pupils were small but still visible. "I am not happy. Things make me happy but I'm not generally happy."
"Well, what will make you happy?" I asked him.
"Someone." He answered. "Someone that wouldn't do bad things to me. Someone that wouldn't leave me."
I nodded. I wanted that same thing too. I wanted someone to hold me, someone to love me for who I am. All the flaws that were sewed in my body. I myself am entirely made of flaws stitched together with good intentions. Everything is fine with you. You're fine. My inner thoughts broke into my mind and I closed my eyes as tears were on the brim of my eyes. I was wondering why I was getting so upset. I blame hormones.
"Hey, hey are you alright?" Jackson's voice rang through my mind. I was looking to my right which was off the bed, opposite of Jackson. His large hands came to my face and moved it to look at his. He wiped my eyes and I laughed.
"What am I doing?" I said with a huge smile wiping my eyes. "I'm being such a baby, god." I said jumping off the bed and walking towards my walk in closest. With no inner thought of Jackson being right behind me, I started to change. Pulling off my skirt, I grabbed a pair of ripped and distressed daisy dukes. I threw my jean jacket into my laundry basket followed by my crop top and bra. I was standing in only shorts and underwear when I finally started to panic. Grabbing a loose, maroon tank-top I threw it on over my body.
I stood there standing in the random outfit that only my hands picked out and I bent down and pulled my hair up. I wiped my eyes that were still a bit puffy and red from the sudden crying that I did. I started to walk out of the closet and saw Jackson standing, looking very confused. I stood there with my hands on my hips looking around. I noticed every little detail of my room until Jackson's voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded and bit my lip flashing back to some random memory that was sewed into the back of my mind.
*. Flashback to 2006 .*
"Happy Birthday honey!" My dad smiled to me as I looked at the bright fire that lit up the numbers one and two. I was twelve years old. I blew out the flames and looked up. "Here are your presents."
I opened them one by one. Getting things that I didn't need, but wanted. Things that were useless in my life. Things like clothing that I'd grow out of. Things like books I'd read after a day and be done with. Things like movies I've already seen but somehow loved to re-watch.
"Thank you." I smiled giving my dad and step-mom a hug.
"You look beat, love. Go to sleep. You'll need it for your party tomorrow!" Sadie smiled as I started to walk towards my bedroom.
I laid there. I read through my books finishing one of them that I had just gotten. I started to watch a movie that I got but soon became bored and needed to be occupied with something other than finding out if Chris Gardner actually becomes happy in the end of his pursuit of happiness.
I look at the time and the clock struck 3 a.m. I grabbed a journal and began to write. My hands just wrote the words my mind was unable to speak. I didn't realize what I wrote before I fell asleep over the words 'Sadness was upon my life. I was not happy'.
*. End Flashback .*
I started to laugh as my hands still at my hips and Jackson still looking at me like a mad women. I started to laugh louder and more fuller and he decided to do it as well. He walked closer and soon we were already almost a half a foot away from touching. But then I remembered, in the midst of my laughter, how I wanted to tell this story to him. And I was sad again.
"I can be happy, right?" I say to him as I suddenly walk around him and across the room. He looks at me as if I totally lost my mind - personally I think I have. "Like, my life is good. I have things people want and some people need. I have a home. I have a family. I have you!" He and I both were surprised by the fact that I mentioned him as a thing to be happy with.
"You can be happy and you can be sad. Neither is a bad thing." He said to me.
"I can be happy! I can choose what I want, right?" I say as I start to pace back and forth. "No one can tell me what to do." I ramble. "I can be what I want. I don't have to do what my dad does. I don't have to live in a big fancy home with all these fancy things. I can be what I want to be. I can become an artist. I can make collages and all that stuff. I can write. I can do what I want."
"Yes, you can."
"But the biggest thing I can do is-" I pause. "I don't have to be pressured to have sex!" He was slightly amused by my sudden subject change. "I don't have to do it. I really don't. I can be a seventeen year old virgin if I want to be! I don't have to follow all these desperate girls drinking and partying their whole lives! I don't care that I'm a senior and I still haven't done it, right?" He nodded.
I watched his chest rise from breathing slowly. I watched his eyes stare at my body and suddenly, I wasn't self-conscious of what I'm wearing or what I'm doing. I watch his lips part slightly to lick them and turn them moist. I saw his large hands reach into his pocket and push down onto his slightly sagging pants. Then I realized; he was so damn hot.
"Fuck it." I said throwing my hands down and running into his arms. He ran and I jumped and used my inner strength to hold onto his torso with my legs as his arms were wrapped around my torso. Our lips pushed together sharing this one kiss that neither of us saw coming.