A/N: Everything written in italics is the letter.
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These days, Dan's thoughts were all over the place. He couldn't turn his thoughts away from that dream and what had happened before. Nothing was different though. Phil would come and visit him, they would talk, Dan would go to the cafeteria and back to bed. Everything was completely ordinary.
Still, Dan couldn't even remember what he'd done that day; a second after a conversation he would've already forgotten what it was about. He couldn't really think straight, his mind just always drifting off to the moment that had a happened over a week ago.
He still bugged himself with the questions why Phil had done this. For his own enjoyment? Because he wanted more? Or maybe he didn't even want to kiss Dan and he just misunderstood his actions? Or was it really because he had feelings for Dan?
Dan doubted the latter the most. If Phil really was in love with him, he would've said something beforehand or at least try to show Dan in any way. But thinking back, there had never been anything that would make Phil intentions clear. Dan was never under the impression that Phil tried to come closer to him or to effectively show affection towards him.
Well, it didn't really surprise Dan. How could someone else love him when he didn't even manage to love himself?!
Even though the 'in-love-thing' seemed unlikely, it was even more difficult for Dan to think about other intentions. Why would Phil want to hurt him? Or why would he misuse a patient just to get some enjoyment?
All three of the theories seemed unlikely to Dan. But it bugged him even more that only Phil knew his real intentions, and Dan most likely never got to hear them if he wouldn't ask.
Dan knew it couldn't go on like this. Days passing without him even remembering anything and his thoughts crashing down on him. He needed to get all of this off his chest. All of his worries towards Phil, the feelings that he had for him, the constant flashbacks to the incident. But who could he tell? Surely NOT Phil. Scott was also out of the questions because Dan knew that Scott was a little blabbermouth. Who else was there that Dan trusted enough to tell his deepest thoughts?
Zoe. Zoe was the only person besides Phil and Scott that Dan talked to and trusted enough.
But the thing was that Zoe hasn't been at lunch lately, because, as Avi told Dan, she had a huge break-down and since then wasn't allowed to leave her room until her condition got better.
But Dan needed to talk to her. Very urgently. Though she wasn't allowed to leave her room, no one was allowed to enter it either. So taking a stroll over to Zoe's room surely wasn't an option.
Wait... what if...? Dan had an idea.
He stood up and walked over to his desk, where a few things were laying around that Phil had brought him. A few books, a magazine, a little toy...
Dan had never touched them, just because he still wasn't a friend of presents and even less of Phil spending money on him. Nevertheless, it still made Dan really happy whenever Phil brought something for him; Dan remembering the first time he gave him lion who was still sitting in the corner of Dan's bed.
Dan took one of the books into his hand. 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' by J.K. Rowling. Dan used to love the Harry Potter books growing up and it was really nice of Phil to bring him his most beloved book. Though, this book could maybe help him to get in touch with Zoe.
He opened the book and skipped through the pages, until he found what he was looking for – a blank page. Dan started to slowing rip out the page, carefully so that he wouldn't damage the book. He was really thankful for all of the presents he received, but this was also the only way he could follow through with his plan.
He rummaged through his bedside drawer, searching for his writing utensils. He pulled out his black fineliner and his pencil and sat down in the chair in front of his desk. He closed the book and laid down the page in front of him. It felt hard for him to even start with this, but then he thought about his brain-vomit and the urge to tell anyone. So he started his letter:
Dear Zoe,
It was very sad to hear what has happened to you. I know exactly how this feels and I wish you all the best to hopefully get better.
However, I just felt the urge to talk to you about something. I would have told you in person, but I'm not allowed to be in your room.
So 4 days ago, I hugged Phil for the first time. This may seem like a huge accomplishment (and for sure, it felt like one) but afterwards he wanted to kiss me. It's not like I didn't want this, I really really do, but I'm just not at the point where this is an option for me.
I'm just gonna say this straightforward: I am in love with Phil. You were so, so right Zoe. I realized this somewhat last week and it makes me sick to think about it. Just because I know that Phil won't ever love me back. Who would love someone like me, a distraught, depressed and shy boy?
I keep telling myself that he intended that kiss because he really likes me. But I start to doubt this more and more. What if he just tried to kiss me so that he could go further? What if he just did this to satisfy himself? I don't want something like the incident to happen again. And even when I try to tell myself, that Phil isn't like this, the thoughts keep coming back into my head.
I really want to be with Phil. He is the only one to ever be really truly interested in me. He never gave up, even when I kept pushing him away. I really want to get out of this Zoe, I really do. I am so sick of this place! I want to get out of here and just live with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
But how should this happen when I cannot even picture myself with him, when I just constantly think that Phil is as bad as them?
I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep rethinking this situation; I can't even let him close to me anymore without being scared. I can't tell this anyone else; you are the only person I trust 100%. Please write back, I need our advice!
Dan
He reread the letter once again and when he was finally happy with it, he folded it in the middle. He stood up and walked over to his door, slowly opening it and peaking outside. No one was in his view, besides Scott of course who sat next to his door, reading the newspaper.
The taller man looked up immediately as he noticed Dan. "Oh hey Buddy!" the blonde said. "What's up? Support Group is only in a few hours?"
"I-I know..." Dan mumbled. He started to rethink if this letter was this good of an idea. What if Scott refused to give it Zoe? What if he read the letter and told everyone? What if there was a rule that the caretaker, Phil, had to read it first?!
"I...I was just wondering if you..." he started quietly. He got a little intimidated when Scott stood up and walked over to him, though he was smiling.
"Co-Could you give this to Zoe?" Dan asked shyly.
"What is this?" Scott asked, more curious than judging.
"You know I can't talk to her, so I wrote her a letter... is that okay?" Dan asked.
"Of course! I'm seeing Avi later, he can give it to her..." Scott started, getting interrupted.
"NO!" Dan stated, louder than he had intended. "Please give it directly to her, I... don't want anyone to read this, it's...p-personal."
"Erm.. sure okay." Scott said kind of confused. It was not like he or Avi would've read the letter anyone, but if this was his wish than Scott wasn't going to act against it.
Dan handed Scott the letter with shaky hands. As soon as Scott held the letter in his hands, it felt like a rock has been lifted off Dan's shoulder. 'Everything's going to be okay!' Dan thought.
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Phil stood in front of the mirror, letting out an exhausted huff. He just got all ready and dressed to go visit Dan.
Normally he was so excited every time he got to see Dan, but since the failed kiss there had been this awkward tension between them. Of course they both acted like everything was normal, even though Phil could feel that Dan wasn't on ease. Dan would tense up every time Phil would just come a bit too close to him, something that had never been a problem before.
But who else could he blame. Of course Phil knew that it was his entire fault. He was dumb enough to think that he could kiss a boy that had been raped before, who surely didn't have any good experiences with intimacy.
Nevertheless, he had completely forgotten about this when he hugged Dan. It was nice to have his tiny body in his arms, to feel his warmth and his typical scent. When he pulled back and got to look in Dan's beautiful brown eyes, it was like everything in life didn't matter anymore. It was just him and Dan. And he felt himself so drawn towards Dan's lips that he'd just gone for it.
Thinking about it, this was a terrible move. Not only because Dan was a rape victim, also because he seemed like the person who was pretty oblivious to other people's behaviour. No matter how hard you tried to show him what you felt, he would never get it. It was like talking to a goldfish.
Phil himself started to rethink his intention with the kiss. Was it really just because he was somehow magically drawn to Dan's lips? Fate? Destiny?
It became clear to Phil that at the point when he felt Dan hug him, it dawned on him why he felt so good around Dan. This was the reason why Dan meant so much to him. The reason why Phil would constantly care about everything and anything Dan did. The reason why he felt this emotional bond with Dan.
He was in love.
The realization hit him like a train. He had thought about this before though, but he always got rid of this thought as soon as possible because he considered it inappropriate to be in love with your patient, because it seemed kind of paedophile. But unfortunately Phil knew that love was the only thing that no one could change, even if they wanted. Love conquers all.
It was really uncomfortable for Phil because he knew that Dan didn't feel the same way. Why else would he pull away?
It was even worse that he scared Dan with his behaviour. That was something that he had never intended, his intentions were just love-related. It also shocked him, because Dan was the most precious thing in his life and to see his loved ones in pain or in fear made Phil sick.
He looked into the mirror and fixed his black fringe. What was he even doing here? He thought this way about his best friend, about the most important thing in his life. This needed to stop.
Phil knew though that this wouldn't help. It has always been this way: whenever Phil felt something, really anything, he had to act on it.
Back in the days when he was still in school or in college, it soon became his fatality: whenever he was sad he cried, whenever he was angry he screamed and whenever he had just the smallest crush on anyone he immediately had to tell them. Of course this brought a lot of bullying and people would call him cry-baby, screamo or something along the lines.
However, this was something that Phil just couldn't change about himself. He tried to bottle it up inside or to just let it out when no one could see it, but unfortunately this never worked. So right now, he felt the urge to immediately tell Dan his newest insight. But on the other hand, he lowkey knew that this would result in an even worse situation than last week.
Phil quickly grabbed his keys, his phone and his headphones and ran out the door, suddenly remembering that he depended on the bus to take him to the hospital.
Finally sitting in the bus, he started to drift off into his thoughts again. The ride wasn't all that long, only a few minutes to spare. Phil tried listening to music on his phone, but somehow they were all love-related, something that wasn't really helping at all.
Also, everywhere he looked there would couples standing around. Kissing, hugging, holding hands...
Phil had to admit to himself that he really wanted to be in a relationship again. After the last one ended so horribly 5 years ago, he now desired to be with someone again. Not even because of his needs, but also because he really wished for a constant in his life. At the moment, the only thing that was always there when he needed it was Dan, if he wanted or not.
But that was the thing – maybe Dan didn't even want to be with him day by day. What if, by the end of his recovery, he would say that he didn't want to live with Phil anymore and go his own way? Phil surely wasn't ready to lose Dan, whether this was in a platonic or romantic way.
Phil left the bus and stepped into MIR. He greeted Mr. Oakley who sat in his usual spot behind the counter. He walked his way through the endless maze that was the MIR hospital London and finally entered the well known locker room. He opened his locker and put everything inside. By this point, no one would really control if he even did this or not. However, Phil was really neat when it was about the rules of MIR.
Walking towards Dan's room, he started to rethink once again if his plan was all that smart. Of course Dan didn't feel the way he did, but telling him wouldn't hurt right?
'It won't hurt him, but probably you, you dumbass!' Phil thought to himself. 'He will push you away, he would want another caretaker for him! He just has to call Scott and they can kick you out immediately, do you really want to risk that?!'
He slowly opened the door. "Hey Dan, it's me Phil." He said his usual greeting.
Dan sat in the corner of his bed, staring off into nothingness. When he heard Phil's voice, he looked up, a little smile spreading across his feature. Maybe Phil was making it way too dramatic and Dan was already over everything?!
"Can I come to you?" Phil asked carefully. Since the incident, he had never tried to come anywhere close to Dan, and he obviously didn't want that either.
Dan nodded slightly. As much as he was still afraid of Phil's potential actions, he wanted to be near him even more. Than before the intended kiss, the hug had felt so nice. He could feel Phil's warmth, smell his scent and feel his heartbeat.
Phil smiled. He didn't think that Dan would immediately agree on his proposal. Nevertheless, Phil was happy to get near Dan again. Maybe they could try to cuddle a little...?
Phil sat down on the one half of Dan's bed, shuffling down further until he was in a laying position. He turned his head so he could look towards Dan, who was still sat in his corner eyeing Phil.
"And... how are you today?" Phil asked. This was a question that he would ask most days, nothing to deep or too complicated.
"It's okay I guess..." Dan mumbled. "I've been really deep in thought about a few things... And also I'm pretty cold... you know, because autumn's starting..."
"Oh, you're cold?" Phil asked. Of course Dan was. He was so skinny, that he would also be freezing in mid-summer.
Dan nodded.
"Well... then come here." Phil offered, opening his arms to signal Dan to join him.
Dan looked at Phil with a terrified expression. Was he trying to get Dan near him again? Was he trying to kiss him again?! Or even worse....?!?!
But Dan had to admit, that Phil's offer seemed really pleasing, since his room really was ice-cold and, hands down, hugging or cuddling Phil wasn't something Dan was completely opposed to. So, without taking his eyes off Phil, he shuffled closer to him, laying down beside him and just carefully resting his head on Phil's broad chest.
Phil felt Dan shiver when he tried to wrap his arms around the smaller boy. "I just want to hold you..." Phil whispered, trying to calm Dan down.
But as he was laying here with Dan, the thoughts came pressing back into his head. The thoughts of the couples he saw earlier and how much he wanted this. The realization that he had earlier. His feelings for Dan...
Now that he had him so close to him again, made him realize all this once again. He could feel Dan's heartbeat speeding next to his calm one, he felt Dan's indeed cold body resting against his warm one, he smelled Dan's typical scent. All that made the butterflies in his tummy go wild.
"D-dan...?" Phil asked into the silence of the room.
Dan turned his face up so he could look into Phil's eyes. They were looking at Dan with a mixture of excitement, fear and... love?!
Phil brushed his fingers through Dan's fringe, playing with little strands. "Can I tell you something?"
"Of course!" Dan said calmly, sitting up so he had a better view on the man lying next to him.
Phil's heart was speeding. On the one hand, he really wanted to this but on the other hand... what if this would destroy everything we achieved so far? What if the most important person in my life will push me away? I will be alone again then.
But as he looked at Dan, who was sitting there in front of him, patiently awaiting whatever Phil had to say, Phil kind of knew that nothing would change. He didn't know why, but he just knew.
"I think I'm in love with you..."
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A/N: Wow I am the queen of cliff-hangers.
Alrighty, so here you have a new chapter. Extra- long! (a little treat for y'all because I didn't upload in so long...)
A huge shoutout to all of the readers of this story. I sososososososo love you all. All of the comments and votes you guys leave me make me so happy and confident, I am really proud of my little community!
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Love you lots,
Lena xoxo