I wake up on the floor next to my window. My wrists sting but I somehow find the pain almost pleasurable. The blood is all smeared of my bony wrists so I steadily get to my feet and quietly tip toe to the bathroom so that no one sees me with blood all over. I turn on the tap and rinse my wrist ignoring the pain.
Once I am done I walk back to my bedroom and to my dresser getting out some clothes. I get changed a grey singlet, blue jeans and a dark red jacket. The clothes are a bit big for me, but then so are all my clothes.
Once I am ready for school I creep up behind my younger brother hugging him from behind.
"Hello Silva!" He says delightfully turning around and hugging me back. He is so small, it's going to be so weird when he gets his growth spurt.
"Hey buddy" I say trying to pick him up.
"Nooooo! Put me down." He playfully yells.
I put Dominick down and begin to tickle him and he laughs trying to get away.
"Anyway buddy, I gotta get going, see ya, have fun at school today." I say heading out of the front door and waving.
"Bye!" He replies
Thank goodness I didn't come in contact with my parents this morning, I really didn't want to have to deal with them again, I am still pretty dreary and depressed from last night.
-
We are in PE now, we just got out of recess. We have to play basketball, the teacher surprisingly actually mixed girls and boys in the teams.
I really want to sit out this lesson but the school is so stupid that we have to have a note from our parents or doctor to sit out.
"Okay, I want the blue team shooting on the right and green shooting on the left." Mr James half yells.
We all head to our sides, oh and Tyler isn't in this class, but Tabitha, Regina and Kim are, they always gang up on me, anyway Tabitha and Kim are on the other team, Regina is on my team, which I bet she will never pass to me, even if I am the only person who she really can pass to...thats what she always does.
"Okay, ready" Mr James yells followed by blowing a whistle and dropping the ball to the two players in the middle. Tabitha and Regina got to go on the middle like always, they are his favorites.
Regina catches the ball and throws it to one of her friends.
I make the choice of just standing up the back of the court the whole time not getting involved since no one ever includes me anyway.
When half time finally comes around everyone runs off to get drinks or to go to the toilet.
"Silva," Mr James yells approaching me, "I notice you aren't participating."
I look at him with slight anger in my expression. Seriously. Not participating? I never participate.
"So, I want you to participate." He says, his voice so stern. But do I really care? I'm still not gonna participate, I don't care what he says.
"And also, if you don't, then I will have to contact your parents again." He states.
Oh fuck. Seriously. Why's he such an asshole? I really don't want any more trouble with my parents, I guess I will just have to participate.
I head back onto the court as he yells for everyone to get back onto the court for the second half.
"Oh and Silva," He shouts across the court, "Take that bloody jacket off, it's boiling, I don't want you fainting."
I look at him, more anger filling my face and a slight bit of rage in my eyes, he really pisses me off. He can't make me.
"But i'm cold." I reply, hoping he doesn't make me take it off, he can't force me. I know I never speak but I had to this time, I can't take my jacket off.
"Bull crap! How could you be? You aren't hiding anything are you?" He replies causing the whole class to move their attention to me.
I pause for a few seconds wondering what to do, I decide to take my jacket off and throw it to the side of the court. I will just have to make sure that no one sees me wrists. I don't want to seem suspicious by keeping it on, he did ask me if i'm hiding something.
After about five minuets I notice Mr James looking at me, telling my with his expression and eyes that I need to join in more. Suddenly the ball comes towards me, I quickly put my hands in the air and catch it, I dribble it towards the goal getting ready to shoot. I used to play basketball with Esther, so I know the tactics.
Tabitha is in front of me trying to stop me from getting the ball in the goal. I take a shot and get it in, my whole team celebrates while congratulating me, I look over to see Mr James smiling and he gives me the thumbs up. Then I look back forwards, I see Tabitha still standing in front of me...she's smirking...why? Regina and Kim walk over to her.
"What are you smirking about Tabby?" Kim asks curiously and Tabitha whispers something to the both of them.
Oh shit, I totally forgot...I forgot about my wrists. I'm such a fucking idiot, she saw them didn't she?
-
At lunch time I decide not to hang around with Tyler and his friends again, it was a bit awkward last time. I sit under the tree again, alone.
I put my ear buds in and turn the music up loud and draw, I feel calm and relaxed...well thats until one of the ear buds are pulled from my ears.
I look up to see Zoe, Regina, Tabitha, Kim and Charli. Oh shit.
"So Silva," She laughs, "The girls told me all about PE."
What? What did they tell her...did they tell her about the cutting. I'm such a fucking idiot, they will never let this go now.
"Yeah, you now think you're so good because you shot a goal." Regina says in a really bitchy tone.
"Well you know what?" Charli says clenching my hair and staring at me with contempt, "That just makes you a poser."
They all laugh. Well at least they didn't see my wrists. I got so worried for a second.
"But girls, lets not be so harsh on her," Zoe continues, "especially after what else the you told me."
Oh shit! There was more? I look at them curiously getting really nervous as my heart starts palpitating.
The girls laugh some more.
"The reason we came to talk to you was because we were really worried about you," Zoe says sarcastically, "That reason makes us really upset."
The girls all start to fake cry.
"Silva," Charli says bending down onto her knees, "We think you really need to get some help."
I start to panic inside...they, they know...they now know I cut myself, they will never let go of this, this is gonna make the bullying so much worse.
I look up to see Kim standing behind them with a poignant look in her dark brown, almost black eyes, what? Why? Why isn't she joining in, why does she have that look on her face?
"It's just. We umm," Tabitha says stoking my hair, "We saw your wrists in PE and noticed that you've been slashing your wrists."
That bitch. She said that so bitchily, and I hate when people say 'slashing your wrists', it sounds almost as if they are criticizing you.
The girls all start fake crying again, apart from Kim, I can't help but notice her standing at the back as if she does not want to join in. I am so confused. Well thats until Charli nudges her with her elbow as if she is saying, this is your line.
Kim then spits out, "You're just a fucking attention whore, thats why everyone hates you."
They all giggle at Kim's remark. I stare deadly into her eyes. I am so sick of them, she notices my stare and looks at me confused, then the others catch on.
"Stop staring at Kim so rudely Silva," Charli states, "She did something nice, she told you exactly why everyone hates you, so now you can go and act on that and maybe fix it up a bit, but no, you wouldn't want to, your a fucking attention whore." She starts yelling.
"Hey, leave her alone." A voice yells, it's Tyler, does he stalk me or something?
"Oh look, it's her boyfriend again." Zoe giggles.
"Why do you bully her so much?" Tyler asks, "What has she done to deserve this? You have no idea how amazing she really is."
"Oh, we weren't bulling her, we just talking to her about something really important." Regina replies.
Tyler looks at them confused.
"You see, we're really worried about Silvee." Regina continues with a cold look in her eyes showing she is saying his sarcastically and trying to be mean.
Tyler just looks more confused and also curious, "What do you mean?" He asks.
"Don't tell him, it's no ones business!" I yell at them, but they ignore me.
"Well..." Tabitha says pausing for a moment, "Your girlfriend's been...self harming...she's been cutting herself."
Tyler suddenly and quickly glances at me with sadness in his face, he has a questioning look in his eyes as if asking 'is this true?', i'm left speechless as a tear rolls down my face and fear in my eyes. It's obvious it is true, there is no point in me denying it, he would be able to tell by my face.
I quickly jump to my feet and run to the bathroom. As I arrive in the bathroom I run into one of the stalls and slam the door shut locking it. I sit down on the toilet curling up with tears quickly rolling down my face. I wish I hadn't come to school today, I wish I never had to come to school. I wish I had never talked to Tyler. I wish I was never born... I wish I had just taken my life last night.
I hug my knees tightly. Please God, if you exist...then stop. Why are you so fucking cruel, why do you hate me? I believe in you, it's just I believe you are an evil being who punishes the different. I believe it's like we are the ones you made a mistake on, but you can't delete us that easy. It's like when you're drawing something and you make a mistake, you want to start over again, so you have to erase the drawing to get rid of it. So your way of erasing us is by torturing us...then...when it's the right time, we will kill ourselves, thats how you erase us, the mistaken, the useless, the wretched, the messed up ones.
I just want tomorrow to come. Not tomorrow as in the day after today. Tomorrow as in the day where everything is better, where I can finally be happy. Once again, I find myself waiting for tomorrow.
I don't want anyone to care about me, I don't want anyone to get hurt by my actions.
--I don't want you to cry, I don't even want you to care
Don't you dare pray for me--
A/N Okay, well it's 1:20 AM *yawns* but I really wanted to get this chapter up so I hope you enjoy it
Don't Pray For Me - Asking Alexandria
Also I just want to say, this is not a love story just incase you thought it was, I don't know if anyone in this book will pair up but it is not a love story, it's just a realistic story about a young girls life.
I just thought I would clear that up just incase, cause it to me sorta seems like a love story.
^.^