A/N: everything written in italics are lyrics of songs. THANKS FOR 600 READS ASDFDGJLDAHLFSB
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Since the day Phil had wiped away Dan's tears, Dan couldn't stop smiling. It was as with his tears, Phil had also wiped away all the clouds that had darkened Dan's view on himself and the world. Phil was literally like the sun on a rainy day. He was his distraction, his tower of strength, he solved every problem that seemed impossible to solve. He was a hero, for Dan.
Dan looked up to his wall. He let his eyes wander over all of the lyrics he had written down over the years. He remembered every single song lyric he had written down, from his first one
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
From Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, which he wrote down 2 days after he got into MIR, to the latest one
You brought me to life
You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream
He had written down the first time he had touched Phil. But... was this really what it was? Why did Dan even write that down, it wasn't like he was in love with Phil...
Tough, before Phil met him, Dan had only written down really sad lyrics, songs he had listened to after the incident, which were of course really depressing and sad. But, however, since Phil came into his life he had never felt like one of these songs anymore. In the past, whenever he looked up at his wall and reread the lines, he could relate to every single one of them. But nowadays, all of the things he had wrote down were just not... him. He knew that at some point he had felt like that, of course, because if not he wouldn't have written that down. But now... It was just so different, and some of these lines were only half a year ago.
His eyes wandered further and then he noticed a special line, right beside his door. A line he hadn't written down, that was for sure. Also, it was written with a black liner pen and not with a pencil like all of the others.
Dan stood up and walked towards the door, his eyes fixed on that one line. It was very small, barely readable if you didn't stand right in front of it. While coming nearer, he noticed that it wasn't his hand writing. It was completely different, it was wider and rounder. He bowed down and narrowed his eyes to decipher the words – surely it was a lyric of some song, but Dan didn't know the song.
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave.
Dan brushed over the words with his finger as he tried to think about someone who could have written this. For sure it weren't one of the nurses or Scott, since Dan was in the room with them at all times. And Phil... Dan tried to think of any time he had left Phil alone in his room the last days.
Maybe when Dan was on the toilet yesterday and Phil entered the room in the meantime? But why would he write something on Dan's wall, Phil doesn't even know what everything on this wall meant?!
Nevertheless, this was a very obvious statement, no matter who had written this down. They wanted Dan to be brave, something that he also wanted for himself, clearly. Yet to have another person encourage him to, even just indirectly, made him want to step out of his comfort zone even more.
Dan had attended the Support every day of the last week, he felt so amazing every time he finished another session. It was always just them, only John, Zoe, Chris, Anthony and him. Even though they were a really small group, it made Dan more comfortable than any crowd of people ever could. He could really open up to these people because he knew that they could all understand his feelings and emotions. They all have their own stories to tell; and it really helped Dan to know that they are all going through similar struggles.
But as much as it helped Dan to be in this Support Group, the more he missed the feeling he had gotten when he first attended the Group. The rush moving through his body, the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling of pride and fear at the same time because of the risk he was taking. Other people might call it an adrenaline rush, but for Dan it was just the best feeling in the world. And he wanted more of that.
He wanted to experience more, to get himself out of his comfort zone more often; he wanted to do things... And Phil's encouragement had just pushed him over the edge. Dan wanted to be brave again. He wanted to do another thing that would make Phil proud.
Dan slightly jerked backwards as he heard a knock on the door. He pulled up his blanket before telling the person who knocked to come in. He relaxed immediately as he saw that it was only Lilly, the nurse. She brought in a tray of food, as every day around that time.
"Hey Daniel!" she said cheerily as she placed the tray on his table. "Are you hungry today?"
Dan smiled at her. Out of all of the nurses that he had encountered over the years, she was the friendliest. She would always attempt to talk to Dan instead of just setting down the tray and leave. Even though she wouldn't even get an answer, she tried again every time.
"Kind of..." Dan murmured.
Lilly face lit up. This had never happened before. Never before had Dan talked to her. She had been a nurse at MIR for good 10 years now, still this felt as one of her greatest accomplishments, since she knew Dan since day one and all of his problems.
"But actually..." Dan stated, letting down the blanket he was hiding behind.
As Dan saw the food, he knew what would be the ultimate adrenaline kick: going in a room with a lot of people. To be honest, this could either be the best time of his life or it could kill him. Either way, he wanted it. And Lilly may be the key to get there because this "Quest" was something he had to do without Phil, as hard as that may sounds.
"Is it... possible that I can go to the cafeteria instead of eating here?" Dan asked quietly, still not really comfortable with talking to other people.
"Uhm... yeah..." Lilly said confused. She only remembered the Dan Howell who was always to afraid to do anything, who'd push people away and start screaming when someone even only tried to get close to him. And now he started, out of nowhere, to randomly talk to people and to get out of his room? But who was Lilly to argue with that, all that she's ever wanted was her patients to be happy and to have their best chances. And if that meant for Daniel to get out of his room and get company, then Lilly would be down to let him in a second.
"Like... right now?!" Lilly asked, as she saw Dan's cautious expression.
"Well if I'm not allowed to, then..." Dan wanted to shy out, but got interrupted by Lilly.
"NO! Of course you are, we can go if you want to! Dr. Ligouri even gave me the permission to help you socialize more, and if it's that what you want then why not." Lilly exclaimed, encouraging Dan.
Lilly picked up the tray again, nodded towards Dan showing him to follow her.
'This is it Dan. Just remember the nice feeling you had when you first started with Support Group! How well are you going to feel now, after getting in touch with so much more people?! Stay positive Dan! Don't even dare thinking about so many people in one room who could all touch and hurt yo- NONONONONO.' Dan thought to himself.
He followed behind Lilly, who, a few metres out of Dan's room put the tray down on a serving cart and after that, asked Scott to follow them.
"So there are a few things you need to know," Lilly started as they walked down the hallway and towards the staircase. "Dr. Ligouri gave you the permission to interact with other patients, as long as they have a green card."
"Green card?" Dan asked.
"Every patient gets a coloured card when they enter the cafeteria. It stands for their health situation. Patients with a green card are free to eat whatever they want, to talk to everyone and to sit wherever they want. People with a yellow card are restricted which means that they are allowed to eat whatever they want, yet they need to eat alone at single tables because of the intensity of their illness. And those patients with a red card are completely restricted in eating and talking because of their mental condition. Got it?" Lilly explained.
"What card do I have?" Dan asked insecure, fearing that he got a red card.
"You got a green one, because Dr. Ligouri is very happy with your condition at the moment. So you are free to talk to people and sit wherever you want. Nevertheless, Mr. Hoying has to be by your side at any time in case you need help."
Lilly handed Dan a little green card that was provided with a cord so you could wear it as a necklace. As she tried to lay it around Dan's neck, he jerked backwards, right into Scott.
"I'm sorry..." Dan said bashfully, what Scott just smiled off.
"Here, then put it on yourself!" Lilly said with an apologetic expression.
While Dan put on the "necklace", they continued to walk towards a huge double door that had "Cafeteria" written all over it in faded letters.
"Please make sure to immediately tell Mr. Hoying if something's wrong." Lilly continued further. "Whatever it might be, when you're afraid or not feeling well or whatever it is, please tell him immediately so he can get you out of there before something serious happens to you!"
Dan nodded. He could understand why she had to explain something so quite natural – Dan wasn't really someone to talk about his feelings with anyone besides Phil. Dan always felt like he bothered people by reaching out to them or to beg them to do something. He knew that that was Scott's job, to care about Dan's well-being. Nevertheless, it still made him feel uncomfortable whenever he had to reach out. He always felt like a child then, whiny and helpless.
"Today's meal is pizza with salad! Hope you enjoy it!" Lilly exclaimed, opening the huge door. As she saw Dan's scared expression, she turned around. "Don't worry little one! Everything will be alright!" she said calmly. She then turned around and left in the opposite direction, leaving Dan and Scott standing in front of the cafeteria.
"She is right Dan, no need to worry!" Scott said from behind him. He smiled at Dan a last time before he started to walk into the big room.
Dan didn't know what he had expected. He thought that as soon as he'd walk in, all eyes would be on him. He thought that it would be extremely loud and messy, everyone would run into each other and there would be thousands of people packed into very small space. He had expected that the cafeteria was a huge bald room, with metal tables and no windows like in all the movies he used to watch.
But against his expectation, the cafeteria was a huge room, with colourful chairs, a bunch of windows and painting along the walls. It was rather quiet in there, even though they were a lot of people talking. On the right side of the room you hard the area where all of the "red-people" would sit, everyone in their own little spot with a guardian standing close by their side. In the middle and back corner you had a lot of yellow-people sitting. Though sometimes a few people would sit on one table, they weren't talking. They were calmly eating their food, as if they were robots trained to do exactly this. But the majority of the room was filled the green area, everyone sitting in groups together and happily talking, eating and laughing.
"So... do you want to grab lunch?" Scott asked into Dan's thoughts.
"Erm..." Dan said, eyeing the long queue that was in front of the serving counter. At least 50 people were queuing with trays in their hands and chatting and walking all at the same time. Scott and Dan made their way towards the queue, Scott always very close to Dan to make sure that no one could touch him.
Dan started to feel a sinking feeling as they queued, especially when other people came in after them. 'I am trapped.' Dan thought to himself. 'There are people all around me. They could all gather up and hurt me. What if I pass out now? They would love at me. What if the people would crash me? I couldn't do anything about it.'
Dan started to lurch a bit when his view started to get blurry and his head suddenly felt dizzy. He could hear a scream in the distance, he could see that his mouth was open but he couldn't tell that he was the one screaming. Screaming for help. Screaming for someone to get him out of this hell. He took a few steps back, further and further. But he didn't seem to stop. There was nothing behind him that would stop him from falling. He would break down and hit his head on the concrete floor. He would be dead. Dead. DEAD.
Suddenly, he felt two strong arms wrap around him. He could feel the warmth and the breath of the person holding him. Dan suddenly started to realize that he was still alive. He wasn't even passed out. He just had his eyes closed. As he slowly opened them, he looked into Scott's huge blue concerned looking eyes. Scott slowly lifted him up but still held him firmly, to make sure that he had his footing back.
"Daniel? Dan can you hear me?" He heard Scott say right in front of him.
"Yes..." Dan answered weakly.
He couldn't really tell what was happening, but suddenly he found himself sitting at a table, a glass of water in his hand. He started to regain his consciousness, looking up at Scott who still hovered over him in fear of Dan falling over again. Dan took a sip of his water, feeling the cold liquid moving through his veins.
"Do you want to eat something?" Scott asked.
"I'm... this queue, I..." Dan started to answer, before he got cut off by Scott.
"I'll get it for you! Don't worry; it was stupid of me to think that you'd do well in a queue with so many people around! You want some pizza?" Scott asked.
Dan nodded slowly. He had fully regained his consciousness and only now he started to feel the growling feeling in his stomach.
"Alright. Can I leave you here alone with Zoe for a second?" Scott asked carefully.
Only now did Dan realize that he wasn't alone at this table. In front of him sat Zoe, the girl from his Support Group. Next to her sat a broad guy with long brown hair tied into a bun at the back of his head. Dan concluded that this was her guardian, since he wore the same dark blue uniform as Scott. Even though Zoe was picking in her salad, she was looking at Dan with a sad expression.
"Are you okay again?" She asked with her usual calm high-pitched voice.
"Kind of. I just... I feel like an idiot right now." Dan stated.
"You are not." Zoe exclaimed. "I can totally understand how you are feeling. It has happened to me last time too, isn't that right Avi?"
Her guardian nodded with a smile. "It was her first time in the cafeteria last week too and it was the same situation with her. Though I had to carry her back to her room because she completely passed out, you did pretty well then!" he stated, laughing out loud, Zoe smiling along.
"It will get better Dan, believe me. I now can get food myself!" She said proudly, pointing towards her salad.
In the mean time, Scott was back from the queue with a plate for Dan with 2 huge slices of pizza on them. He sat the plate down in front of Dan before he greeted 'Avi' with a bro-ish handshake. Scott sat down next to Dan and stroke up a conversation with Zoe's guardian immediately, excluding Dan and Zoe completely.
They both ate in silence and just listened to Scott's and Avi's permanent laughter and talking. The only thing that Dan could tell was that they were talking about something he didn't have a clue about. He peaked up at Zoe from time to time, who just ate her salad slowly.
"How is it going...?" Dan asked awkwardly.
"You tell me." She answered as equally as quiet. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." Dan answered, a little nervous as to what could her question be.
"Have you found your companion yet?" she asked, looking as if she just has asked him to fuck.
"I have." Dan said and smiled. He felt so proud whenever he thought about Phil and himself. The bond that had started to form between them, the feeling that Phil gave him whenever he just looked at him... it left a tingling feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"Tell me about them." Zoe demanded, resting her face in her hands.
"Well..." Dan started awkwardly. "His name is Phil. He is the nicest person I have ever met in my short life, he cares about me and he doesn't give up. I had a few people who tried to get close to me, and they all failed. But Phil had enough patience to get close to me. He has gorgeous eyes, blue, green and yellow at the same time. He always cheers me up, no matter how down I am. He is very sill sometimes, but I like that about him. He comforts me..."
Zoe looked at Dan, knowingly. "You really like him, don't you?"
"Why do you ask?" Dan asked confused.
"When you were talking about him, you started smiling more and more. And I have seen this smile on multiple people." Zoe answered with a smirk.
"And?" Dan asked, still not knowing what she was referring to.
"Well," she answered. "All these people were in love."
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A/N: I AM SO INCREDIBLY SORRY GUYS!!!
I am so sorry that I let you guys hanging for 2 weeks, but I got a summer job for two weeks and it was so exhausting, I just was too tired to sit down and write something for y'all.
Also I didn't feel well in general, but that was more in my head I guess. However, I am now done with this job and have still 2 weeks of holidays left, so you'll get a bunch of new chapters.
Thank you all so much for loving my story, it means the world to me. And a warm welcome to all of the new readers!
Stay tuned for next time guys, the next chapter will be very... interesting ;)
I love you all so much and see you soon!
Lena xoxo