A/N: Everything written in italics is a flashback.
---
"Good morning, how are you doing?" Phil said cheerfully, as he entered Dan's room the next morning.
Dan sat up straight in his bed, the blanket only covering his legs. He had never felt more exposed, yet he felt somewhat relieved. It was the first time that he really was open to another person, to show his body, even though he didn't really want to. But the thought that he had to do something because he was the only one who could get himself out of this misery, kept pumping through his veins.
"What did you do yesterday?" Dan asked, instead of answering the question.
Dan knew that he could not really answer Phil's question. Even though that there hd been times when it was way worse with him, he didn't feel quiet "good" yet. The mixture of feelings that he felt inside of him was something that he couldn't word.
"Ehm... I was out with PJ. Dr. Ligouri, your responsible doctor." Phil answered awkwardly. He felt uncomfortable telling Dan, for whatever reason.
After Phil did a bit of thinking, he decided that it couldn't be that bad to go out sometimes. He never did himself any good, always put others before him. He thought it was time that he got a reward.
PJ was more than happy when Phil agreed to go out with him. Even though Phil felt kind of uncomfortable to go out with a person he didn't even have feelings for, it was a nice distraction from everything going on in his life at the moment.
PJ invited him to this amazing restaurant in the most expensive part of London. He picked Phil up in front of his flat with an amazing car, drove to the restaurant and was a real gentleman all in all. He held doors open for Phil, gave him compliments and even paid the whole evening.
If Phil would say the evening sucked, it was a huge lie. Phil had a lot of fun, they were talking non-stop, and not even about MIR-related things, about everything really. Phil got to know PJ better and PJ got to know more about Phil.
Nevertheless, Phil felt as if he was hanging out with one of his friends, not with a possible love interest. That feeling bugged him more and more, since PJ clearly showed signs of being interested. When PJ drove Phil back to his house and said a goodbye, he suddenly started to lean in. Phil was paralyzed, he could only stare at PJ lips and the thought of getting kissed by him. Then it hit Phil like a train – he had no feeling for PJ in any way. He didn't want to be in a relationship with him. He did not want to be kissed right now.
Phil slowly backed off, as PJ's lips were almost on Phil's. "I-I'm sorry PJ. I... I don't kiss on a first date..." Phil made up an excuse. He reached his goal because PJ stood up straight again, his face a deep shade of red.
"Oh... okay sure." PJ chuckled. "But... Maybe there will be a second date?" he asked hopefully.
'Phil, make up your mind!' Phil thought. PJ was so nice, handsome and just such a good person to be around. He did not deserve to be played with. But no matter how much Phil told himself, that PJ surely would be the best boyfriend, he could not come in terms with himself about it. As hard as it was to accept that he didn't have any feeling for PJ whatsoever, Phil actually thought about agreeing on another date, just to see if maybe some feeling will be developed.
"If you don't want to it's fine too, I mean you don't need to force anything..." PJ said with awkward laughter, as he didn't get a response from Phil.
"Look, PJ..." Phil started, searching for words. "PJ... I really like and you all, but I really think that I'm not the one you're looking for..."
"I think you are!"PJ stated, caressing Phil's arm. "You are friendly, clever, funny and extremely good looking!" PJ flirted.
"Well..." Phil blushed. "I could say all those things to you, yet it does not make a relationship."
"Who is talking about relationships yet? I first just want to date you, that's all..." PJ stated further.
"PJ I do not want to date you!" Phil said impatiently. Why can't PJ just accepted that he was not into him?
Suddenly, PJ was quiet. He took his hand away from Phil's arm, taking a step back. "Alright..." PJ chuckled. "Well.. thanks for the night anyways..."
PJ turned around and got into his car. Right when he started his car and drove away, Phil saw him wiping a tear from his eye.
'Well done Lester, you are such a dumbass. Why hurt everyone around you? Couldn't you have just gone out with him one more night and explained it to him then? No, you need to hurt this innocent, nice guy!' Phil thought to himself, angrily unlocking the door.
As he got up to his flat, he thought about it again and again. If he would have gone out with PJ one more time, it maybe would've hurt PJ even more. But he would be happy, just for one more day. But maybe it was the best like this, at least now Phil knew that he'd done the right thing for himself. But no – 'Phil, stop being so selfish! What if you'd be selfish around Dan, you would lose him forever and that is something that you will never forgive yourself... '
Dan. Why was Dan always on his mind? Of course, he had become such a huge part of his life that Phil always thought about how to get closer and closer to him. But why did he even think about his patient when he was out with a possible love interest? Why did he feel so good, every time he saw or thought about Dan? What was so special with him anyways?
"Oh..." Dan stated, pulling Phil out of his thoughts.
"Yeah, it was really nice and all, but..." Phil started and stopped. Should he really tell Dan about something like this? Or was it to personal to share? Their time together should only be about Phil and Dan, and not about someone else. But... Dan asked for it right?
Dan stared at Phil. BUT? BUT???? What had happened?! The thought of Phil being out with someone else made Dan feel sick instantly. Why was it that every time Phil mentioned some other person from his life, Dan felt this huge jealousy inside of him?
It was Phil's life, he could do whatever he wants. He is a grown man, of course he had a lot of things to do and a lot of people to be around. It was dumb to think that Dan was the only person in Phil's life. Yet, Dan really had thought this a couple of times. Sometimes, when Phil was with him here in the room, it felt like it was only them on the entire world. Nothing that could bother them in this exact moment. These were the only times a day, when Dan felt happy.
Nevertheless, Phil saying that he was on a date with someone, a person that could easily replace Dan in Phil's life gave Dan a stomach ache. Phil found someone he could be in a committed relationship with, someone who could be there for him when Dan couldn't, when he simply didn't know what to say. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe Phil deserved someone who loved him regardless and not someone like Dan who would kick him out of the room if it was too much for him.
"Phil...?" Dan asked quietly that Phil could barely hear it.
"Yes?" Phil smiled encouragingly.
"You are gay... right?" Dan asked.
"Indeed." Phil smiled. It was not an issue for him anymore, he had learned to live his sexuality and was happy about it.
Dan nodded. He didn't even know why he asked this, it just came out of his mouth without permission. Not that it was important really, but Dan admired Phil for being so open and honest about his sexuality, and it seemed like it didn't even bother him. That was something that Dan so desperately wanted for himself, to accept himself and to live happy as he is.
"Ha-Have you told your parents?" Dan blurted out.
"Yes I have and they were really cool about it." Phil answered. "And you?"
----
As the days carried on, it was always the same pattern. He woke up, Phil visited, they talked, Phil left, the nurses brought in food that started to eat lately and he went to sleep. But as nice and chill these days were, Dan suddenly realized that they didn't make any progress. Phil had asked him a few times, if he should come closer to him, just to test out, but Dan always declined.
More and more these days he thought about the Support Group. The doctors always told him how easy it was for patients to get better if they joined the support groups or personal therapists. But then Dan remembered the incident that happened when he first tried to go there and he immediately forgot about it.
But... he had become stronger and more confident over the last weeks, that's for certain. He now could fluently speak to the staff of MIR, not only to Phil. And maybe, just maybe, the thought of getting better would make him strong enough to power through this Support Group meeting.
'Come on Dan, time to get out of this shit.' He told himself, as he stood up and walked towards the door. 'Now or never' he thought, pressing down the door handle.
"Scott?" he asked his guardian who stood, as always, right beside his door.
"Oh, hey Dan, nice to see you. What's up?" Scott asked cheerfully.
"I—I want to go to the Support Group..." Dan almost whispered. What would Scott think of him? Would he laugh at him and tell him he should go back to bed? Would he decline to go with Dan, because it was so embarrassing last time?
"Sure buddy, come on. The next session only starts in 10 minutes, so we're fine." Scott answered with an encouraging smile.
As they walked through the endless maze that was MIR, Scott rambled on about his fiancé, as always. He told Dan that 'Mitch' was on tour at the moment, because he was a singer. So Scott felt alone than ever before, but he was so happy for Mitch. Scott explained how nice it was of Dan to come and talk to Scott, because normally it was boring and alone to stand in front of Dan's door for 12 hours.
But Dan didn't even listen properly. The only thought on his mind was this Support Group. Would he pass out again, like last time? Or would he actually have a semi-good time there? Dan wondered if this Support Group actually helped. He could not really imagine how it will work. Would they all sit in a circle, talking about their problems? Or would it be like in school, that only the therapist would talk?
The he thought about Phil, again. He seemed to be the only relevant thing on Dan's mind lately, probably just because he was literally the only person Dan had contact with. But still – Dan thought about how happy Phil would be, if Dan could open up to him even more because this Support Group helped him. How proud Phil would be, if he saw that Dan took the initiative himself and tried to cure himself. Everything that Dan did these days, everything that would help him out of his misery, he did it for Phil.
"Alright, Dan, good luck!" Scott stated suddenly.
With a shock, Dan recognized the door in front of them. They were already there. Dan had no time to prepare whatsoever. Scott was already in the process of opening the door.
'Alright Dan, get yourself together. You got this! Breathe in and out, in and out.'
As the door opened Dan first saw 4 people sitting in a circle, staring at him. Dan felt the anxiety pile up inside of him and his head started feeling light again, but he forced himself to stand up straight and walk towards the open door.
"Dr. Green, Daniel wanted to join the Support Group today!" Dan heard Scott say in a blur.
"That is nice! We wanted to start in a few minutes anyway! Welcome Daniel!" He heard "Dr.Green" say directly to him.
Dr. Green was a lot older than anyone in this room, yet he was maybe in his late 30's. He wore glasses and a buttoned up shirt, holding a stack of paper in his hands.
"Please, sit down!" the therapist offered Dan.
Dan slowly entered the room, taking one step at a time. He saw that there was an empty chair right beside Dr. Green, which Dan now aimed for. As he walked towards his seat, he looked at all the other patients with him in this room. They all kept staring at Dan as if he was an intruder.
Opposite of Dan sat a girl with extremely long brown hair. It was falling over shoulders down to her bum. Her hair was really greasy and she generally didn't look very good. But Dan remembered that he himself didn't shower in over month, so he obviously didn't look any better. She was the only person in this circle not staring at him; she was focused on something on the floor, staring at it with a psychotic expression on her face. Even though she had her hands folded in her lap, she fumbled around with her thumbs, clearly nervous.
The guy on Dan's right was very small and at best he was 15. It made Dan sad to see that someone at that young age had to be in a psychiatry, but then he remembered what happened to him at the age of 16, which wasn't that much older. Even though Dan didn't know this boy, he was for some reason extremely proud of him. At the age of the incident, Dan wouldn't even dare to be around other people. To see that this guy wanted to get out of here as soon as possible and that he had realized at such a young age already that you can only help yourself, really inspired Dan.
The last guy who was sat right next to Dr. Green on the other site, really caught Dan's eye. Maybe it was that this guy remembered Dan of himself, with the same hair cut and the same lost expression in his eyes as he was staring at Dan.
"Welcome guys!" The therapist started this session, clapping in his hands.
"Maybe we can start off with introducing ourselves to the group, since as I can tell we are all new in this Support Group! Let's go around in circle, everyone stands up, says their name and why they're here, alright?" Dr. Green smiled.
"To start off, my name is John; you don't need to call me Mr. Green or something. And I am your therapist, for as long as you let me!" the therapist laughs.
"Good, who is next... you maybe?" He asked the guy right next to him.
He slowly rose from his chair, standing a little shaky on his legs. "Uh... my name is Chris and I... I have bulimia which leads to being anorexic, which makes me have a bad picture of my body which leads to depression and anxiety. So yeah, just the good stuff." He stated, sitting down right after.
Only now Dan noticed how skinny Chris was under his clothes. His face was very sunken in, his legs and arms weren't any thicker than a tennis ball. His height surely didn't contribute to his anorexic illusion, since was Chris at least 6.2".
John Green nodded slightly with a little of a concerned expression, nevertheless encouraging the girl to carry on.
She stood up in slow motion, even now not daring to look into anyone's eyes as she spoke up. "Zoe..." she whispered into the room, making long breaks between each word. "Depression because of rape." She finished and sat down immediately, spacing out.
'She has the same problems as I do!' Dan thought to himself. Now Dan could perfectly understand why she didn't even look into anyone's eyes, even Dan couldn't look at anyone longer than a few seconds.
"My name is Anthony Quintal, but my friends call me Lohanthony. I, erm, got here because of my everlasting panic attacks that I sometimes get every hour a few times, so... hopefully this will help..." The young boy said after standing up. He was obviously the most confident one out of all of them.
Dr. Green smiled at the boy as he sat down again, now turning his head toward Dan. 'shit.' Dan thought. Now it was the time! 'Alright come on, you don't need to say ANYTHING besides your name and your illness, come on, it's not that hard.'
Dan stood up slowly, swaying as he noticed there barely nothing safe in this entire room. What would happen if he passed out again? What would happen if he puked in front of everybody? They would ban him from Support Group and Dan would never have the chance to get better ever again. Maybe he should just sit down, not say anything and avoid the trouble.
But then Dan remembered that he wanted this. He wanted to be in this Support Group and he wanted to get out of depression and he wanted to get better, more than anything in the entire world. He thought of Phil. Phil would encourage him now. Phil would say that he is incredibly proud of Dan. He would say that Dan was brave and strong, like the Lion. Brave and strong.
"I-I am Dan and I have depression caused by being raped twice." Dan managed to say. Wow that was an experience. But now he was done! He sat back down immediately, happy with what he had achieved. He had spoken to complete strangers, he had told them personal information about himself. And as he now saw the answering smile of Mr. Green who sat right next him, Dan knew that this Support Group was the right decision.
---
A/N: Heyheyhey, I am back! I hope you don't mind this long ass chapter, but I think it is quiet a good one...
Don't ask why I put John Green in there. Maybe because I needed an older youtuber as the therapist or maybe because I read two of his books in the last two days, who knows.
Nevertheless, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 300 READS! I couldn't ever believe that there are 300 people who enjoy my story, it really makes me happy.
So thanks again for reading guys, I would love to see some votes or comments, and I will love you forever! Lena xoxo