February 4, 2013
The Monday after Genevieve's pre-Fashion Week party, everyone was energized to go back to school. Everyone, but me. All I wanted that Monday was to get out of that place and get to dress rehearsals for Fashion Week, which starts the next day. I already had my permission slip to skip classes for the rest of the week signed by my mother and Mr. Colton, all I had to do was bail.
But why wasn't I bailing?
It's because I wanted to see Genevieve and Harry together with my very own eyes.
People deal with pain differently. Some deal with it by going away for a while to forget. Some people cry. Some people smash things (or other people's faces). Some people deal with it by drowning themselves in the good stuff (and by good stuff, I meant things that your mom will most likely ground you for until you're 80). Some eat their life away. Some change their appearance. Some turn to arts or whatever it may be that they're passionate about and use that to motivate them-- you know, like Taylor Swift. Some people pretend the pain they're feeling is completely non-existent. Some people deal with it head on.
Me?
All of the above.
I've dealt with different kinds pain in different ways. The one I'm feeling right now, I'm dealing with it head on. I had this theory that if I see them enough times that day, I'll get immuned to it. You know, like how people deal with allergies. They expose themselves to whatever they're allergic to until their allergic reactions go away. Maybe it was suicide to those who are mere bystanders, but for us who are suffering, anything is worth the risk if it meant getting rid of these feelings we didn't want in the first place.
I overestimated myself, however. The second I spotted them walking down the hall, I felt that oh so familiar heart wrenching sensation so I turned on my heel and walked the other direction, speeding towards people like I'm in a freaking marathon and Johnny Depp is waiting by the finish line.
I was a coward.
I ended up avoiding them the entire time I was in school. Eventually, I got tired of trying so I decided to skip the classes I had after lunch. I stood up from my lunch table with Rachel, Penny and our other friends, trying my best to leave without being noticed. I thought I succeeded when I got to the exit, only to hear Rachel shout my name across the room, catching the attention of everyone at the courtyard.
"Veronica! Where are you going?" She announced without hesitation as she approached me, forcing me to face her.
"I'm leaving. You know I have Fashion Week rehearsals to attend to."
"Yeah, but isn't that like after class?"
"Yes, but I can still ditch school so why not do it now?" I grinned, turning on my heel to exit the courtyard. She yanked me back by my blazer, making me scoff. "What?"
"You're not leaving."
"I have my slip signed and all, woman. Chill. I'm only missing four hours left of school. It's no big deal." I waved the slip in her face the way she did when she went to my house.
She rolled her eyes at me and crossed her arms by her chest. "I wasn't talking about class. I'm talking about your dance routine for Juilliard, smarty. You can't leave without showing me and Penny your audition piece. You promised." She poked me in the chest and I flinched.
"Fine, fine. But where am I showing you my not so amazing dance number eh?" I raised an eyebrow at her.
"Seriously, Ronnie? Seriously?" She raised an eyebrow and puffed, "of course I have a room. You didn't actually think I was gonna suggest something without having a solution, did you? Geez! We've known each other since we were in designer diapers and you're acting like you don't know me still." She shook her head and walked past me, motioning for Penny to follow, heading straight for the school auditorium.
"You said you had a room."
"Yeah, this is the room."
"This isn't the room. This is the auditorium, Rach."
"No, missy. This is the room. Where else would you show us your piece?" She spoke, sitting by the front row as I took my time in climbing up the stage.
Was I really doing this?
I've never actually danced in school before. I mean, I did those small dance numbers for drama club but they weren't as serious as this one. Plus, what if some person was watching? I don't think I'm comfortable with that idea just yet.
"Any time now. You do want to leave early right, Ronnie?" Penny complained, tapping her foot on the floor.
People who don't know Rachel would find her antics rude, but I do find them endearing. She has her way of pushing people (me included), though they're sometimes harsh, but she does them out of love. She only does that to people she really cares for.
"So freaking impatient." I rolled my eyes as I walked to the nearest chair to place my blazer there and my shoes underneath the chair. I walked back to my previous spot in the middle of the stage, glancing at the almost empty auditorium.
I did miss this place and the people I used to share this stage with.
I do miss Harry.
As much as I hate to admit it, the uneasy feeling he has been causing me the past few days (weeks, actually) have given me just the right amount of inspiration to bring life to my audition piece. I read somewhere that art was supposed to make you feel something, and in my head and my heart, without a doubt, I knew that Harry is a piece of art.
I looked down at my feet as I took a deep breath, waiting for the music to start. "Are you sure about this, Rach? I mean, I haven't really-- danced in so long. Plus, it's a working process. Maybe we should just--"
"Just dance, Ronnie!" She shouted at me as she pressed play on her phone that was linked to the sound system.
Once the sound of Chris Brown's voice filled the auditorium, I started moving to the music. I was more nervous now than I was back at home. Partly because this was the first time I've ever showed this dance, something so personal and emotional, to anyone. Mostly because I can see the auditorium door from where I stood and the thought of someone walking in so easily and watch me dance was nerve wrecking, to say the least.
I tried my best to shove the thoughts away as I continued to dance, the way I did last Friday. I focused on how I felt when Penny and Rachel informed me about the kissing incident between Harry and Genevieve. The aching sensation in my chest was still there and it caused a tear or two to stream down my face while I danced. Once the music came to a stop, I quickly wiped the tears off my face as I remained on stage in a squatting position. I soon heard heels hitting the wooden floor and when it stopped, I felt four arms pull me up into a hug sandwich.
"Ronnie," Rachel gasped as she rubbed my back. "That was beautiful. But oh my God, are you alright?" She asked, evidently concerned.
"Yeah, are you okay? That dance was so emotional," Penny added.
"I'm fine. What are you talking about?" I forced a smile on my face as I stepped back. I don't really enjoy being pitied or hugs, for that matter. It made me feel incapable of doing anything for myself and I hated that.
"Don't play dumb with me," Rachel spoke sternly.
"I'm not playing dumb." I shrugged, turning on my heel and heading towards the stairs.
"That dance wasn't just a dance. Anyone with two eyes can tell there's more to it than just dancing."
"I'm an artist. It's what I do." I let out a dry laugh.
"Yes, but even with that information, the dance was still too emotional. Especially for you. I felt the sadness, the pain--"
"Rach," I cut her off, glancing at them with a serious look on my face, "let it go. It's nothing. It's just a dance."
"You looked broken." Penny pointed out, making me stop in my tracks.
That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I didn't want to hear someone say that I looked broken and all because of what? A teenage boy in high school? I may be reckless, but I'm not that petty.
"Now, that's where you're wrong. We're talking about me here. Me, y'all. I'm not broken." I uttered annoyingly as I took my bag that was placed on the chair and made my way for the door. " Nobody breaks my heart. You can't exactly break something that doesn't exist, okay? Talk to you guys later!" I shouted, pushing the door open.
The world must really hate me, because as soon as I stepped outside the hall I bumped into the person I didn't really want to see after being accused of being broken.
Yep, you guessed it. It was Harry.
He looked just as surprised as I was except his cheeks were completely flushed and he looked everywhere but at me. I tried my best to keep my composure and act like it was no big deal, even though my insides refused to agree with what I was forcing myself to believe. I couldn't help but wonder, was there something on my face? Did he dislike me that much that 1) he will kiss the one person he knew I didn't like and 2) he couldn't even face me. I frowned as I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.
"Uhhh, that was nice." He grinned nervously as he ran a hand through his hair. The frown on my face didn't go away, wondering what the actual hell he was talking about. "The dance. Your dance, I mean."
Shoot. I knew it. Someone would eventually see the dance at school and having to explain things to them was something I wasn't comfortable with at all. I tried my best to not panic and remain calm, at least on the outside. "Oh, that. It's no big deal, but thanks anyway." I forced a smile and nodded, walking past him.
I wasn't really expecting him to follow behind, but he did. He stopped when I finally reached my locker, watching me as I opened the locker door and stuffed my things from my bag into the locker. "How many did you see? I mean, of the dance."
"Oh, all of it. You were amazing out there, Ronnie. I didn't think you could dance like that." He casually spoke, though his tone was anything but casual. It was like he was trying his best to keep things normal, but the tension was tangible. Anyone can tell something was up, but neither of us wanted to talk about it. "Was that for Juilliard?"
I didn't speak as I went through the process of emptying my bag, and he didn't either after I ignored his question. He just stood next to me the entire time. "Listen, Harry. I'd love to stay and chat, but I gotta go." I closed my locker door and forced a smile on my face when I faced him. "I'll see you around, okay?" I patted his shoulder, walking past him.
"Are we okay, Ronnie?" He spoke with a tinge of sadness in his voice. That kind of voice broke my heart and I knew perfectly well that looking at him would hurt me even more than it was hurting him, and yet I found myself turning to face him.
"What do you mean? Of course we are, bud."?
He had a small smile anyone could tell was fake plastered on his face. That smile soon disappeared and was replaced with this sad expression. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want us to go back to the way we used to, but then I always remember that feeling in my chest when I found out he was kissing Genevieve. We weren't anything, I know that. But I also know we should be something we were yet to define, and from the looks of it, I don't think I would ever want us to be an us. He will break my heart. As is, Harry was already messing with my system. I've never been this attached to someone all because they kissed me, made me laugh, were there when I needed someone to be there for me. I was into Harry. That's a fact that I deny to myself daily, but that never made the feelings go away. The sad thing was he was not into me as much as I was into him.
"Oh, well. We haven't been talking so I thought you were avoiding me."
"You're overthinking things. Plus, why wouldn't we be okay?" I tilted my head to the side and raised an eyebrow, waiting for that reaction that will tell me he knows that I know he did something I didn't like. Plus, why should I be the one who makes the first move? If you miss me, do something about it. Don't expect me to be the one who will do something about it. How the hell was I supposed to know that he misses me?
For a second, it seemed like he knows exactly what I was talking about but then his facial expression changed to relief. "Oh, you have a point. Sorry, I guess I was just missing you a little too much the past few days."
Miss my face, Harry. You didn't miss me when you were swapping saliva with little miss Genevieve Matthews.
I hated this. I hated this with a passion. Usually, I didn't give a damn about what everyone thought. I will say everything I want to say regardless of what anyone felt. But when it came to feelings involving the heart, I was having a hard time being upfront. The no filter girl suddenly has a filter.
I put on another smile on my face and nodded my head. I miss him but I wasn't gonna say it out loud. "Okay, thanks. I really got to go now so--"
"Are you available tonight, Ronnie?" He cut me off with his words, making me forget where I was going with my previous statement. Where was he going with this? Was he asking me out? Oh my sweet mother of--
He probably saw the shocked expression on my face and decided to continue to speak before waiting for me to have a seizure. "I'm having a small birthday dinner tonight since I didn't get to celebrate much last Friday with Genevieve's party..."
I gritted my teeth and placed my hands behind me just before I clenched my fists in frustration or anger or all of the above, I couldn't pin point what emotion I was feeling exactly but I hated it. I hated remembering that night. Why the hell did I choose to be sober anyway? Oh right, that's because I actually wanted to get inside Juilliard without pulling strings.
"I was wondering if you'd like to come. My aunt is cooking burritos. Niall is bringing Nandos. He's addicted to that stuff. Anyway," he took a step closer to me and placed his hands on my shoulders, "I'd really love it if you could make it."
"Oh, haha. I think I can make time. Fashion Week preparation ends late but I can skip if needed. Who's gonna be there?" I asked enthusiastically. Maybe I can step it up tonight and get rid of Genevieve. It wasn't that nice of a move, but who said I was a nice girl anyway?
"It's just Niall, my aunt, Mr. Colton..."
"Oh, that's fan--"
"And Genevieve."
Are you freaking kidding me?!
****
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SONG FOR THIS CHAPTER: If You Don't Know by 5SOS
OFFICIAL UTSS TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxtro0h5PAw
Much love,
- Kendall xx