The week before Fashion Week has always been the busiest time for me every year. Some people have Christmas. Some have Thanksgiving. Some have their birthday week. I have that week before Fashion Week. The week before Fashion Week that February, however, was arguably the busiest time of my life.
On top of my audition for Fashion Week, I had school, family business matters, and three auditions at Juilliard to nail (or at least pass one); not to mention an interview with the Dean which was enough to give me a cardiac arrest. Thank God, I didn't actually have a cardiac arrest.
Did I enjoy the stress?
I did.
Well, at least I thought I would.
"And remember to do the eye thing." Rachel spoke on the other line, like a mother telling her child to look left and right before crossing the street, as I stepped down our limousine. I gave our driver a friendly nod before walking up the staircases, leading to the entrance of Lincoln Center.
New York Fashion Week is held at Lincoln Center twice every year. For the Fall and Winter collection, it is done every February. For the Spring and Summer collection, it is done every September.
"What eye thing?" I asked, pushing the main door open.
I came face to face with twenty or so other people holding brown envelopes and white folders, I'm assuming are their portfolios. Guess I wasn't the only one trying my luck that day.
Every year, glitterattis, socialites and heiresses compete to walk in at least one of the shows because sitting front row is now considered too mainstream. If you sit front row, people automatically assume it's because you didn't get to walk for one of the shows.
I couldn't care any less about that, really.
My reason for auditioning was far from the typical. Walking for just a show wasn't really the issue. I was, after all, walking for one show already: my Uncle Amancio's show-- and yes, my uncle is the talented Amancio Ortega, owner of Zara.
My reason for auditioning for a show, that wasn't even one you'd call in the big leagues, was simply because I wanted to prove to myself that I can get somewhere on my own. You know, without my mom pulling in some strings or people handing me things on a diamond platter all because I'm Veronica Rockefeller. It wasn't so that people will see me different. I don't care about what other they think. It was a matter of affirming within myself that I am capable of going places without people favoring me all the time just because they don't want to cross my family.
That was the main reason why I wanted to walk for Academy of the Arts-- no, let me rephrase that-- that was the only reason why.
"Give them the expressive eyes, Ronnie. Speak through your eyes!"
I could feel the tension rising from the other line. Rachel tends to get carried away when she wants something done, and right now, it's me nailing this audition.
"Okay. Got it, captain." I joked, giving her a salute even if she wasn't in the same vicinity as me.
"Don't mock me, Rockefeller! You wanted this, remember? So you have to do everything in your power to get in that show." She spoke, reminding me of those Generals in army movies. "I still don't understand why you have to audition when you could've just told them who you are and got in with no questions asked. We could've skipped the stress brought by auditioning if you were a little less prideful, Ronnie."
I couldn't help but laugh at her statement, catching the attention of some of the people around me. "It's not pride, Rach. I just wanted to see if I can make it without having my mother making some phone calls. Is that so bad?"
"No, but this is stressing me out. And to think I just went to the spa this morning. You're ruining my vibe, Ronnie." She scoffed. Rachel was also walking the show, but unlike me, she didn't audition. She took the easy option, which was introduce herself as herself and they gave her a spot without thinking twice. "Just, promise me you'll get in? We have to walk last together. That is not an option."
"I will try my best, okay? Just relax. You're not even the one who's auditioning and yet you sound more stressed out than I am," I laughed.
"You stress me out. If I didn't love you, I swear to God I would've strangled you by now. Okay, maybe not. I don't like getting my hands dirty, but you know full well what I mean!"
"Yeah, yeah. I know."
"What name did you even gave them? I'm surprised they haven't recognized you yet. I mean, this isn't your first Fashion Week experience."
"I told them my name is Rocky."
"Rocky?!" She shrieked, making me pull my phone away from my ear as she screamed and cursed at me from the other line. "What the freaking hell were you thinking, Ronnie? You gave them a dog's name! I'm surprised they didn't call you Sir when they texted you."
"One of them did, actually. I corrected her so no worries." I shrugged, making my way towards the room where the auditions for Academy of the Arts was held. "Okay, that's enough tips for today. I gotta go. I'm at the door. Wish me luck!"
"Okay, break a leg!" She beamed, "Oh! And before I forget, don't fall off the stage. Don't! Got it? Got it! Say you got it!"
"Got it, mother," I mocked her, laughing as I hung up. I stood in front of two large doors that were most definitely heavier than I was. I was nervous. Maybe that was part of the reason why the door felt more heavier that it was when I placed my hand on the door handle and tried pulling it. The audition isn't exactly what I'm nervous about. What I was nervous about was what if they recognize me right away and accept me because of that.These doors were the only thing (or in this case, the only two things) standing in between me and the chance to walk on the runway on my own. I was about to pull the door open when I caught glimpse of someone from the corner of my eye.
"Harry?" I spoke a little too loud.
"Ronnie, hey!" He grinned and stepped closer to me, wrapping an arm around my waist before pulling me towards him and giving the top of my head a kiss.
"What are you doing here?" We spoke at the same time.
"You first." We said in unison again, making me laugh. He motioned for me to go first.
"Well, I'm auditioning. I want to walk for the Academy of the Arts show. What about you?" I asked, pointing at the brown envelope he was holding using my lips. "Are you auditioning too? I never took you as one who was into modeling." I narrowed my eyes and nudged him playfully on the side.
He gave me a lopsided grin as he ran a hand through his hair, "you're funny. But you know me too well, I am not auditioning for any shows. I'm applying as a waiter for the catering that's handling New York Fashion Week. They told me to come here today so..."
"Oh, I see." I nodded, swaying from side to side. "Wanna let a friend know why?" I couldn't keep my curiosity to myself.
"Uhh, I don't mind but... aren't you late for you audition?"
I glanced at my watch and saw that I was, by some freaking miracle, fifteen minutes early for my scheduled audition. "Actually, don't be so quick to judge because I am fifteen minutes early." I winked at him, nodding proudly of my achievement.
His eyes widened at the revelation and his smile stretched from cheek to cheek. "You're fifteen minutes early? What did you do to the Ronnie I know?"
"Oh, shut up, Styles." I rolled my eyes, hitting him playfully on the arm. "People change. If you're lucky, you witness at least one person changing for the best in your lifetime." I shrugged, looking away from him.
"Never took you for a philosopher. That's pretty deep." He grinned, bumping me softly as he faced the wall I was now facing. "It's my aunt. She's having problems in paying off our rent in the apartment. I decided to find another job to help her out with the bills. I heard they pay big in catering services for events like this so yeah." He pursed his lips, turning to look at me just as I looked up at him.
I furrowed my eyebrows and crossed my arms in front of me, wondering why in the hell didn't he tell me about this sooner. I mean, I could've helped him somehow. Maybe throw in a little compliment or two about him to the organizers of Fashion Week. My dad plays tennis with one of the organizers occasionally. I'm pretty sure I could've done something to help.
Then it hit me.
He wouldn't like that, because I didn't like it when my mother did it to me. It wasn't pride or anything. It was a matter of knowing if you're able to bring something to the table. I'm pretty sure Harry would've approached me if he felt like he really needed me to help him, even if I really did want to help him out.
"Well, I'm sure you'll nail that job interview or whatever it is that they're making you do to pass the job." I spoke, nodding my head as I reached for his hand and gave it a little squeeze. "Anyway, I wouldn't want to delay you any further. You might get late for your interview. You'll do great, I'm sure! Just be your charming self. I'm sure you'll sweep them off their feet." I chuckled. "Wish me luck for my audition, okay?" I tiptoed and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you later!"
"Sure. Do your best, yeah? We can celebrate with pizza later." He grinned, pulling me into his arms and giving the top of my head another kiss before he let me go.
"Pizza sounds great!" I beamed, giving him a flying kiss. I turned on my heel, feeling a bit more confident as I walked towards the doors leading to the audition room for Academy of the Arts.
Upon entering the room, I barely saw where I was going and almost tripped on my own two feet because of how dark it was. The only well lit area was the runway, where a few models were walking. There were crew members assisting the models by the entrance to the backstage from the runway. In the first row sat four people holding clipboards. I'm making the assumption they're the people I had to impress.
It didn't take long for one of the crew members holding clipboards to see me walking on my own. The girl named Julie asked me for my portfolio. While she was looking at it, my heart was beating fast in my chest. I was praying she won't check my information and would settle with the name I told her while she scanned through my pictures. I released a breath I had no idea I was holding when she escorted to the backstage and briefed me about what was going to happen. I was asked to change into five-inch heels and walk the runway, do a pose at the end that wasn't like any of the poses done at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (I was specifically told not to do any flying kisses or winks), then walk all the way to the back.
While I was being briefed backstage, I thought it shouldn't be that hard. This wasn't my first time anyway. I've been walking runways since I was sixteen. I know it hasn't been that long and that compared to other people, the experiences I've had were nothing, but I wasn't a newbie.
This should be like a walk in the park.
Wrong.
I learned that it was a lot harder when there was so much at stake. In this case, if I failed at impressing the people from Academy of Arts, I was nothing more than another glitterati heiress with a pretty face. I was nothing without my last name.
Did I like that?
No.
Walking in five-inch heels suddenly felt like I was walking in eleven-inch heels and that any moment, I was gonna fall flat on my face with my butt up in the air. Thankfully, that didn't happen. I was about to turn and walk for the runway exit when one of the people in the front row stood up from their seat and called my attention.
"Rocky?"
I stopped in my tracks, completely frozen by the two syllable word that came out of the man's mouth. I was having an internal debate. Should I turn around to face the judge or continue walking? The question wasn't a life or death thing and yet, at the time, it felt like my whole existence was at stake.
"Ms. Rocky?"
"Yes?" I finally turned around to face the person who mentioned my alias with a smile on my face.
"You hold an uncanny resemblance to Veronica Rock--" He stopped talking and a grin appeared on his features, "you're Ms. Rockefeller, aren't you? What a pleasant surprise!"
"Um, yeah. That's me." I nodded, entwining my fingers together.
"Can we ask why you decided to audition for our show? Most public figures with names as reputable as yours wouldn't be found in an audition for a show such as this. We don't have big names to accompany our designs--"
"All you have are ones from new faces, but nonetheless promising and are skilled in what they do." I finished his sentence, giving him a small smile.
He looked at me with a surprised yet amused expression on his face. He nodded, as if signaling for me to continue.
"I like what your show stands for, Sir. I'm fully aware that you don't usually have people in the same stature as me auditioning for shows, more one that showcases the designs of students-- amateurs in the fashion industry. But, isn't that the beauty of art? It has no limitations. Art doesn't have any boundaries. Amateurs have the ability to be game changers in the world. Yes, there are established names in the industry, like my Uncle's, but everything big started small once upon a time. I'd like to be a part of something like that, if you'd let me."
"You are one talented young lady and I'm very sure you'll make it big one day. It would be an honor for us to have you walk at our show, Ms. Rockefeller."
"Thank you so much, Sir. I appreciate your kindness." I spoke, unable to hide the happiness from my face.
"One last question, though." He cleared his throat and walked closer to where I was standing at the runway. "Why didn't you use your name when you auditioned?"
"Oh," I pursed my lips as I thought of words to express why I didn't use my actual name without sounding conceited, "it's because I didn't want to get in the show all because I'm Veronica Rockefeller. I needed to know I had what it takes without earning favors because of my name." I admitted.
"I was wrong. You're not just a talented and beautiful young lady, Ms. Rockefeller," he grinned. "You have a very remarkable character to match. We look forward to seeing you wearing one of our student's designs next week."
I was greeted by the other people with the clipboards when I was about to exit the room. It was only then that I found out that the people I met were not only professors at Academy of Arts, but they were also designers from different world renowned brands.
That audition made my life, to put it bluntly. I was sort of expecting a lecture for not being completely honest about who I was at the audition, and what I got was something I didn't see coming at all.
I texted Harry as soon as I got out of the room. I originally planned on calling him but I changed my mind at the very last minute because I didn't want to seem clingy or anything like that. I wasn't his girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriend.
Where did that thought even come from?
I shrugged the thoughts away and decided to give Rachel a call. She wasn't too pleased that I called during Student Council meeting, but she forgot all about the meeting once I told her the big news. She said proud was a complete understatement for what she felt when she found out I got in, said she knew I've always had it in me.
The past two days after my Fashion Week audition was like a complete surreal blur and I didn't even notice how quick it passed me by.
My Fashion Week audition may have been done, but I still had fittings to attend to. And, I also had to perfect my pieces for my Juilliard audition. I wasn't kidding when I told Harry I was planning on taking up three majors at once: drama, dance and music. There were three different auditions for all three majors. I knew it was a long shot. I mean, double majoring at Juilliard was very rare. What more triple major, right? I wasn't expecting getting through the live auditions for all majors, but I could try. I could try really really really hard, and I will. I have to do more than just impress my future professors, I had to kill it at the auditions.
People often think that when you have a reputation such as mine-- you know, one where people find out your last name and people automatically think you have it all going out for you all because of the kind of life you were born in. It's not like you chose which womb to come out from, but people don't see that. All they see is that the life you're living is one where you have seemingly everything you need and want because you're you. When you have a name like mine, you get judged by everyone all the time. It's hard when people think you are not capable of getting things by actually working hard for those things and they just think you get favored because you told them your name. It's like people disregard your capability of achieving things the way normal people to. They put you on a pedestal, and I realized being put on a pedestal is not always pretty. I've gotten immuned to all the judgments through the years, but then I realized, when it came to two things I wasn't really as immuned as I hoped I was.
What are those two things?
Performing Arts and Harry.
The former is the reason why I was at home on a Friday night, by myself at our dance studio, instead of partying with everyone at Genevieve's annual pre-Fashion Week party.
Yes, you read that right.
Genevieve throws a party on the last weekend before Fashion Week every year and everyone is invited to come. Even me. The party has become like a pre-Fashion Week ritual for everybody that she didn't need to send out invites. People automatically assume she's throwing one and they show up at her doorstep the Friday before Fashion Week starts.
But, instead of getting wasted, I was completely sober practicing my dance routine for Chris Brown's "Should've Kissed You" in my favorite Nike leggings and sports bra.
Yes, I was dancing to Chris Brown instead of doing my very own rendition of Swan Lake.
I haven't danced ballet in ten years and I wasn't planning on reviving something that died a long time ago. Modern interpretative dancing it is for my Juilliard live audition.
It was more like I was trying to dance to Chris Brown than anything, actually. I wasn't done with my routine and that was what frustrated me the most. I've been trying to finish this for months, but the steps weren't flowing as smooth as I'd hoped they would.
I admit, I've been rusty.
I haven't danced in a very long time. Dancing was my first love, but sometimes things happen in life and what we used to love, what used to be our outlet, what used to make us happy is no longer working the way we want it to. Sometimes, it causes more pain than joy because it reminds us of who we once were, what we wish we didn't remember, so we just give it up. I just gave up on dancing. I don't know why I even thought of auditioning for the Dance department. Maybe I was drunk as hell when I submitted my audition video that I can't even remember I sent. It was a freaking miracle they even contacted me after that. Maybe they found it funny or entertaining, I don't know.
All I know is that I have to finish this dance routine today because there was no way in hell I'm coming to live auditions unprepared. I needed to do something better than whatever it was that I did in that audition video while I was drunk.
I didn't have time to practice this next week because I was busy with Fashion Week. The week after that wasn't an option either because that week was the week of my live audition for the Dance department.
Told you it was the busiest week of my life.
I wiped the sweat off my forehead using the towel placed on top of the speakers in our dance studio at home. I took the bottle of Gatorade and drank a good amount of it. Maybe I needed a break, even for just five minutes. Five minutes wouldn't hurt right? I took my phone to check if there were any messages for me. I wasn't exactly surprised when I saw that there were fifteen missed calls from Rachel. I was a bit worried, though. I didn't know why. There was this feeling in my stomach that was telling me that something I wouldn't be so happy about was going to happen. I hated that feeling because 98% of the time, that gut feeling was right.
I decided to call Rachel and give that 2% failure rate of my gut feeling a shot.
"Oh, finally! I've been trying to call you since 9pm. Where the hell are you?" Rachel shouted unintentionally from the other line. I could hear the loud music and the people chatting around her.
"I'm at home."
"Home? Are you sick?" She asked, cutting me off before I spoke again. "Don't tell me you're working on that audition piece for Juilliard? Give yourself a break."
Wow, now that's something I don't hear everyday. Rachel and I hardly switched roles so I found it quite amusing that she was the one telling me to take a break.
"I know what you're thinking, Ronnie. Stop it." She scolded me.
"I wasn't thinking anything!" I chuckled, clearing my throat afterwards and forcing myself to stop laughing.
"You deserve the time off! You've been working way too hard, Ronnie!" Penny shouted, pissing Rachel a bit. I'm guessing she shouted at Rachel's ear because now Rachel was telling her off and lecturing her about manners. I couldn't help but laugh at their interaction from the other line.
"Fine, fine. I'm gonna pack up, take a shower and head over there. Don't miss me too much!" I joked, placing the towel on the table.
"Okay, don't take too long! Your boyfriend is looking for you." Penny cooed.
"B-boyfriend? I'm single." I stuttered, cursing myself mentally for stuttering. Who even stutters?
"Oohh, is that a confession or--" Rachel stopped mid sentence, but I could still hear the music and the people chatting.
"Rach?" I asked, the gut feeling getting worse. "Hello? Are you guys--"
"Harry is kissing Genevieve."
Penny spoke the words I feared to hear, but kind of knew was going to happen. I could hear Rachel scolding Penny for telling me that.
"It's fine, guys. Don't worry about me. I mean, it's not like we're dating or anything." I forced a laugh, turning on my heel to walk back to the speaker. I placed a hand on top of it to steady myself and my breathing.
"Ronn--"
"It's fine. I'm fine," I took a deep breath and forced a smile on my face, "I'll call you later. I need to finish my routine, okay? Enjoy the night." I hung up without waiting for another word from them. I tightened my grip on my phone as my hands shook-- with anger or something else, I don't know.
I wasn't an expert on feelings, especially when it belonged to me. But, I was fully aware that the heart has more power over the brain when you allowed heart issues get to you. I allowed someone to get to me.
The gut feeling subsided, but only because it was replaced by something in my chest. My heart, the thing I thought no longer existed, ached.
I hated that feeling.
I hated having a hard time breathing, feeling like cold water was just dumped on you and you can't do anything but just stand there and wait for the water to dry.
I hated having to take it in because it's not like I can do anything about it.
I hated being helpless.
I hated having to feel.
But most of all, I hated those bright green eyes and how lost I am in them every time I look into them; most specially before he kisses me with the same lips he used to kiss Genevieve.
Taking a deep breath, I pressed play on my phone and the intro to the song I've been trying to dance to all day played. I took a step back and faced the mirror. I looked at my reflection before closing my eyes, allowing the music to direct my moves as cold tears streamed down my face.
After the first chorus ended, I opened my eyes and was surprised by what just happened. Not just the part where I actually cried over Harry kissing Genevieve, but also because I got to finish my choreography.
Who would've thought that the thing that kept me from dancing all these years would be the same thing that will revive it?
Pain.
****
Don't hate me for this update. Oops.
Anyway, watch Chachi dancing to "Should've Kissed You" and imagine that that is Ronnie dancing in her dance studio at home, minus all the people. The video is included in this update.
We're having another giveaway, by the way. Make sure you check 1DMetro, the hashtags: #1DMto50K and #1DMRoadToAug9 on Twitter for more details on how you can join. We are giving away loads of prizes like authentic 1D bracelet, 1D make up sets, and if we reach 50K by August 9, we will giveaway lifesized 1D standees!
Let me know your thoughts by leaving some comments or tweet your thoughts, favorite parts, quotes or anything using the hashtag #1DMUTSS! I love reading what you guys think. :)
SONG FOR THIS CHAPTER: Should've Kissed You by Chris Brown (for obvious reasons)
OFFICIAL UTSS TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxtro0h5PAw
Much love,
- Kendall xx