fifteen; cause i'm so fucking scared
I breathe in deeply, nuzzling my face into my pillow. God, my head hurts like a bitch.
"Michael, get up."
I groan. "No," I whine.
"You need to get up. Calum is on his way." It sounds like a familiar voice, but I doubt that it's the person I think it is because I know I would never be hearing her voice like this again.
I open my left eye, which hurts so much, to see Brianna staring at me. When I see her, I open both eyes and sit up quickly. "What am I doing here?" I ask her as I notice a throbbing pain throughout my face.
"Do you remember what happened last night?" She asks.
I stare at her, trying to remember. "We didn't hook up, did we?"
She closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "No, we didn't, trust me." She opens her eyes and runs her fingers through her hair. "Do you remember anything?"
"I remember getting really drunk and then Zayn coming over. That's it."
"Well," she starts, "at some point, you decided to fight Zayn because you thought I hooked up with him."
"I don't remember that."
"Well, if you took a look in the mirror, you might remember otherwise," she says pointing to my face, which would explain the pain. "So, anyway, you beat the shit out of each other, but according to you he looks worse than you do, and you landed yourself in jail," she continues on.
"What?" I almost yell.
She nods. "Calum said because your neighbors heard a lot of noise and called the police. They took you both to the hospital and then they took you to the precinct because you were very, very drunk, very violent and just being an all around asshole."
I smirk, but then stop, holding a straight face. "Did they arrest me?"
She nods. "Technically, but Zayn dropped the charges his mom wanted to press against you. So, at almost four in the morning, Calum called me as his last resort to get you out of jail. I snuck out and Louis and I picked you up. You couldn't go home because your dad is or was home. You were suppose to stay with Louis until the morning, but then his mom caught him, so you had to stay here. So I cleaned you up and you went to sleep. And that's what happened last night. "
"That's it?" I ask.
She stares at me in disbelief. "What the hell do you mean that's it?" She yells. "Michael, I risked getting in trouble and sneaking you into my house after you went and did some stupid shit!"
"Alright, thanks, I guess," I say with a shrug.
She rolls her eyes. "See, I knew this would happen," she says, sounding frustrated.
"What would happened?" I ask curiously.
"Nothing, never mind," she says, shaking her head. She goes over to her closet and a returns with a bundle of clothes. She throws it at me. "Hurry up and get dressed because Calum is going to be here and Niall doesn't want to see you." She leaves the room without saying anything else, closing the door.
I groan and get out of her bed. I start getting dressed, trying desperately to remember anything from the night before. I know what I'm like when in drunk and God only knows what I said to her.
I walk over to her full body mirror and look at myself. My hoodie is covered in blood and my jeans have a rip in them that I know wasn't there last night. My face is fucked up to say the least. My left eye is bruised and there is a cut on my eyebrow, basically cutting it in half. My lip is busted and my head is throbbing from this hangover.
There is a knock on the door and before I can answer, Brianna walks in, holding a bottle of pills. She opens it, shaking a few out before closing it again and then she grabs a water bottle from her desk.
"Drink these," she hands me the pills and the water. "It'll help with your head and face."
"Thanks," I mumble, taking them from her. I swallow them down with a gulp of water. When I look at her, I notice she's staring. "What?"
"Since you don't remember much, I just thought I'd tell you again that I never did anything with Zayn," she tells me, sitting in her bed.
"Whatever," I shrug, acting like I don't care. "I really don't care what you do. We broke up, remember?"
She sighs. "Alright, fine, whatever."
"Where are my shoes?" I ask her, changing the subject.
She stands again and goes over to her closet, grabbing my shoes and throwing them at my feet. "Do you want anything to eat or drink?" She asks.
"No," I answer as I put my shoes on. I just want to get the hell out of here and away from her before I say something without thinking.
"Are you sure?" She asks.
I look up at her when I finish putting my shoes on. "No, I just want to get out of here," I say, coming off cold.
"Oh," she sounds disappointed. "Calum should be here any minute."
"Good," I mumble. After that, we fall silent. She just stands there, looking down at her feet while I stay sitting on her bed. The tension between us could be cut with I knife. I hate that it's so awkward between us.
Her phone rings and she quickly answers it. I watch her as she has her short conversation, probably with Calum. When she hangs up, she looks at me. I sit up and make eye contact.
"He's downstairs," she tells me.
I nod and stand up. "Well, I guess I'll see you around," I mutter as I check my pockets for my phone and my wallet. Once I feel them, I start walking towards the door.
She opens it for me and follows me out. I wait for her to lead me to her front door because I've actually never been inside her apartment before today.
She leads the way and opens the door for me. "Do you want me to walk you down?" She asks.
I freeze, not knowing if I should say yes or no. I mean, I guess it could be alright since I don't really know where I'm going, but at the same time, I don't want to go through that awkward silence again.
I nod slowly. "Alright, I guess," I say hesitantly.
"Let me get shoes," she tells me before going back to her room.
She returns in the same gray sweatpants she was wearing, but now with a hoodie and a pair of sneakers on her feet. She gives me a small smile when she returns. When I don't return the gesture, she frowns slightly and walks out the front door. She wait for me to walk out before pulling it shut.
She walks down the hall to the elevators and I follow behind. She pushes the button and we walk for a minute before the elevator stops at our floor.
We get inside and as soon as the doors close, I break the silence. I clear my throat and she looks at me. "Listen, whatever I said last night, I didn't mean," I tell her.
"I know," she mumbles, looking away from me again.
I sigh. "I was drunk and from what you told me, very pissed off and I didn't mean anything I said. I was just being stupid."
She looks at me again, like she wants to say something, but she doesn't. She just nods her head and mumbles, "Okay, whatever."
This guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach is eating away at me. I only ever feel it when I think of her or I'm around her. I honestly don't even feel guilty about my fight with Zayn I can't remember. I just feel guilty and so ashamed of being a dick to this girl who did absolutely nothing to me. I know I can't fix it I fucked it all up and now she hates me because I broke her heart because I had to listen to my dumbass friends.
I want to say something to her, because it's killing me, but I stop when the elevator reaches the lobby. I follow her out and to the doors. Her doorman says hello to her and eyes me, but doesn't say anything.
Calum is waiting outside her building, standing in what was my usually spot. He smiles at us and walks towards us. "Hey," he says to us.
"I gave his some pain killers for his hangover," she tells him. "And last night I cleaned him up and bandaged his cut and his hands, so you should probably change them or clean them."
Calum takes a good look at me. "Shit, man, you really fucked up this time," he says.
I roll my eyes. "Whatever," I mutter, crossing my arms, waiting for them to finish.
"Make sure he ices his eye or it's really going to swell up because he refused to last night," Brianna adds.
Calum nods. "So clean, rebandage and ice, got it."
She nods and smiles at him. "Good luck."
He pulls her into a hug. "Thank you," he mumbles into her neck.
Their closeness is mocks me. "Can we go now?" I whine, trying to sound annoyed.
They pull apart and Calum thanks her again before she goes back inside and we start walking.
The walk to his place his quiet. Neither of us say anything. The first time I talk since I left Brianna's apartment is when I say hello to Calum's mom and his sister, assuring them that I'm fine and thanking them for letting me stay.
Calum and I go off to his room and as soon he shuts the door, speak up.
"You have to find out what I said to her because I can't remember anything," I tell him frantically.
He chuckles and shakes his head. "Why? So you can kick my ass, too?"
"What?"
"She didn't do anything with Zayn, you asshole," he tell me. "You literally beat the shit out of him because you thought they fucked or whatever. I'm not getting in the middle of you two."
I roll my eyes. "I need to know what I said. I completely blacked out. I don't remember anything."
"You don't remember anything?"
I shake my head. "I don't know what I said and she seemed really upset and I already know it's because of me. Calum, please, I need to know so I can fix it."
He stares at me. "I thought you didn't like her anymore? I thought you didn't care about her anymore? You told me that I could have her because you didn't give a shit about her anymore."
"I say a lot of shit and do a lot of shit that I don't mean because I've never felt like this before."
His face softens. "Why don't you tell her that?"
"Because I can't." I start pacing back forth as he watches me.
He rolls his eyes. "Why not?"
I sigh heavily. "Calum, it's not that I don't like her, it's that I like her so much, it scares the shit out of me. So pretending that I don't have these feelings for her and that it doesn't even phase me, is my way of dealing with it."
"So then why should I even bother finding out what you said if you're just going to take it back or deny it?" He asks.
I shrug. "I just have to know."
He sighs. "What am I suppose to say to her?"
"Just ask her how the night was," I suggest. "I'm sure she'll vent to you. She likes you. She trusts you."
He groans. "Fine," he mutters, sitting on his bed and pulling out his phone.
I sit next to him and he looks at me. "What?" I ask.
"You can't listen," he tells me.
"Why not?" I whine. "I want to hear it from her mouth."
He rolls his eyes. "You know," he says as he starts dialing, "you really are something else. Don't get pissed off if she says something you don't like," he says seriously.
"I won't," I promise.
"Mhmm," he says as he puts his phone on speaker.
The phone rings a couple times before she picks up. "Hey, Calum, everything alright with Mikey?" She asks.
He looks at me, raising his eyebrows. "Yeah, yeah, he's fine. He's in the shower, actually."
"Oh, okay," she says. "So what's up?"
"I was just wondering how the night went because when I called you earlier I just told you about what Zayn told me," he tells her. "Which, by the way, I told Zayn what you said and he wants to assure you that he's fine."
"Good, I'm glad. But the night was fine, I guess," she says as her voice echoes through the room.
"He didn't do anything or say anything? Because I'll beat him up for you," Calum says.
I glare at him and he smirks.
"Calum, please, I like your face the way it is," she scoffs and I smirk at him.
Calum laughs. "Seriously though, he didn't cause you any trouble?"
"Not really. He was just talking all this shit I know he didn't mean, so it doesn't even matter."
"Like what?" Calum asks.
"He said he missed me and that he wished we didn't break up," she says.
Calum looks at me. I mentally groan. Great.
"He didn't make any stupid ass comments or anything, did he?" Calum asks. "Like, was he being an asshole to you?"
"Nothing other than his usually winning personality."
Calum chuckles. "So it was just the comments about you two?"
"Yeah..."
"You alright?" Calum asks, matching my concerned face.
"I just wish he didn't say that because I really don't want to hear that and then have him ignore me. It's like I don't know what to believe. I know we broke up but why did he say that and why does everybody keep telling me not to give up just yet. I really can't take it anymore, Calum." Her voice sounds distressed and I feel even guiltier than I did.
"Hey, he's just an asshole sometimes, but he means well," Calum says in his attempt to defend me and make her feel better. "Maybe you should talk to him," he suggests.
I vigorously shake my head. "No!" I say quietly.
"Calum, he obviously wants nothing to do with me. Why would I even attempt to talk to him? All he's going to do is deny everything and just make me feel worst."
Fuck. I really fucked up this time.
"No, he won't. I'm sure he wants to talk to you about the whole thing. You should try to talk to him on Monday," he tells her.
She sighs. "He's just going to get mad and I don't want to deal with that right now."
He glares at me before answering her. "Brianna, I know for a fact that he's not over you and maybe if you try talking to him first, he'll just tell you everything. I know he sucks, but he only acts like that because he's never been in an actual relationship like your relationship."
I glare at him. Just make me sound like a fucking mush, go ahead Calum.
"I don't know..."
"Just do it. Do it during school or at his party next Saturday!" He says, suddenly getting excited. "His pre-Christmas he throws every year."
"I doubt that he'll want me there, Calum."
Calum rolls his eyes. "Babe, I'm sure he'll want you there. Plus, maybe he'll finally get the idea to get rid of that blonde girl. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know her name."
She laughs. "I doubt it, but maybe, I'll see."
"It'll be fun. We can drink eggnog!" he tells her. "Plus we have to hang out because then I won't see you until we get back after break!"
"We have two weeks off, Calum. We can hang out then."
"I'm going to visit family, so I'll be gone. We leave the 23rd and we get back the Sunday before we go back to school," he huffs.
She laughs. "Alright, I guess I'll go now since you guilted me into it."
Calum grins, nudging me. "Good. You can bring everybody just in case something happens."
"Okay, Calum, I'll go."
He nudges me again, grinning wider. "Good! It'll be fun and I'll make sure you and Mikey sit down to have a civil conversation."
"Alright, Calum, whatever you say," she says sounding very sarcastic.
"So, I'll talk to you later because Mikey just walked in," he lies to her.
"Okay, bye," she says before Calum says goodbye and hangs up the phone.
He turns to me and grins. "See! It wasn't even that bad and I got her to agree to talk to you!"
I shake my head. "I can't just talk to her!"
He stares at me in disbelief. "Then why the hell did I just do all of that for?" He asks, getting agitated.
"I don't know because all I wanted to know was what I said to her," I shrug.
He glares at me. "I don't care how fucking scared you are of this girl, you're going to talk to her because so help me God, I'm not going to listen to you crying about her anymore!"
"I don't cry about her!"
He looks at me. "What did you do for your birthday this year, Michael?"
"Shut the fuck up," I warn, because we all agreed to never speak of that incident.
"No, I won't because you and your annoying ass are getting on my last nerves! So if you don't fix and get back together or move on, I'm going to rip my hair out because I have had it with both of you."
I roll my eyes. "Whatever."
"I'm serious. I don't like seeing her all upset over you and I don't like having to bail you out of jail because you go on a jealous rage."
"Fine, I guess I'll talk to her at some point."
Calum rolls his eyes. "Or you could talk to her in school this week."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't," I tell him sternly. "I don't want people getting in my business. That's what messed everything up in the first place, remember?"
"No," he rolls his eyes, "it was you listening to everybody's opinion on your relationship, you dumbass."
I glare at him.
"It's fucking true because if you didn't care, then this wouldn't be s problem."
"Yeah, but then we would've had other problems," I say, being my normal, negative self.
"Like what?"
I shrug. "I don't know. I'm sure something would've come up."
"You're just saying that because you're afraid of this girl because she's actually making you feel shit!" He stands up and looks at me. "You're scared, so you try to push her away and keep people who talk shit around so you have an excuse when it's really all your fault!"
"No, I-"
"No," he cuts me off. "You're doing this to yourself. You said it yourself you're acting like this because you actually like her and it scares you!" He raises his voice, throwing his arms in the air out of frustration. "And I really don't know why you won't just forget about what other people think. Honestly, who really gives a shit?"
"Calum, I don't know how to deal with this!" I yell, standing up. "I don't know how to talk to her about these feelings I have, okay? It's not easy for me to just let my guard down!"
"Then tell her that!" He shouts back. "Just like that. Tell her you have strong feelings for her and because of those feelings, you act like you don't fucking care and like a dick because you don't know how to express them! That's all you have to say!"
I groan and run my fingers through my hair in frustration. "Whatever, just drop it. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
Calum rolls his eyes and groans. "Fine, whatever."
I sighs. "Did you get me any clothes?" I ask him, changing the subject.
He shakes his head. "No, but you can borrow some of mine," he says.
"Thanks," I mumble.
"Yeah, yeah," he mutters as he grabs me clothes from his drawers.
My phone goes off on my pocket as he searches. I fish it out of my pocket, surprised that it's on because I figure it would've been dead by now. Luckily I still have one percent battery left.
I have a new message. I unlock my phone and go to my messages to see I have about twenty other messages. I groan and sit in Calum's bed.
My latest message is from Brianna. I freeze when I read her name. I open it and read her message.
hi, so um calum invited me to go to your party on saturday. i just wanted to tell you incase u didn't want me there, which i totally understand... but i just wanted to tell u and i hope you feel better. make sure u ice your eye because it looked a lot worse this morning than it did last night...
I look up from my phone to see Calum looking over my shoulder, reading her message. I'm not even mad, like I normally would be for him being nosy.
"What the hell do say to her?" I ask him frantically.
"Tell her that you don't mind and you're looking forward to maybe talking to her," he says. "And tell her you appreciate her thinking of you."
"I wouldn't say that," I tell him.
"Well then put it into your own words," he tells me. "I'm going to get you a towel," he says before leaving his room.
I stare down at my phone and type the first thing that comes to my head, hitting send before I can regret it.
it's fine, he told me... if u want we can talk or whatever
I search Calum's room for his charger and quickly plug my phone in. My phone buzzes at the almost instant reply.
about?
I sigh and just as fast before I back out.
us if u want
While I wait, I read through my other messages as Calum returns with a set of blue towels. He puts them down at the end of his bed and sits down next to me. He doesn't even have to ask for me to show him the conversation.
When he reads it he smiles. "See, was that hard?"
I groan as my phone buzzes with her reply. I read it quickly.
ok :)
"What do I say to that?"
"Have you never texted a girl before?" Calum asks, very amused.
I roll my eyes. "Not my ex-girlfriend who I still have feelings for," I tell him sarcastically.
He chuckles. "Just say you'll talk to her then."
I groan. "Alright, alright," I mumble before replying just that. A few minute later, my phone goes off again with another message from her.
and don't forget to ice your eye bc i honestly hate seeing u hurt like that and it's really worrying me :(
After reading her message, I don't show Calum because I know he'll have some stupid comment. I just reply quickly and then lock my phone before going off to shower.
u don't have to worry about me princess i'll be fine but ty for caring... it means a lot to me :)
××××××××××××
hi hi hi whats up guys :) so what do you guys think? think brianna should still be talking to him? should he just stop being a jerk and tell her how he really feels? do you think he can? comment comment comment (and vote and fan) and i'll post either sunday or monday, deal? love you guys :) xx