"Cause you are that someone that gets me like no one else,
Right when I need it the most"
- Jk -
After almost fifteen tiring hours, Jeongguk stood glaring at the pavement in Los Angeles.
The thing was, their manager, Sejin, had informed him beforehand that it was going to be warm and sunny in LA, but warm and sunny seemed like such an underestimation of this devil's furnace he was standing in.
The heat was sweltering. The minute he got out of the airport Jeongguk could feel the hot dry breeze smacking him in the face.
The sun sat in the clear cornflower blue sky like a big floral wedding hat. The trees rose to the occasion, donning their best verdant hues. And he would've appreciated the scenery more, if only his shoes didn't feel like they were melting right onto the asphalt.
Sejin got them a cab, and they left for their stay. A freezing can of cola and an indulging hamburger later, Jeongguk finally felt like a human again.
They checked into their BnB, a simple house with two rooms, hosted by an old lady, nothing extravagant, but largely comfortable.
The minute he reached his room he put his phone on charge, the battery had died long ago. There were quite a few unread chats, their group chat, from his parents, and his brother, and even though it was probably last on the list, Jeongguk clicked on Taehyung's chat.
"I hope you've reached safely Gukkie! I miss you! >.<"
Jeongguk quickly typed out a response, "I miss you too, hyungnim!" and opened their group chat next.
Park Jimin: Did you reach?
Park Jimin: Jeongguka? Did you reach?
Park Jimin: Jeon Jeongguk? Did you reach? I already miss you!
Jung Hoseok: Someone take his phone away.
Yoongi hyung: He will text when his flight lands, stop pestering him.
Jung Hoseok: and us.
Park Jimin: My concern is not called pestering.
Rapmon hyung: Jeongguk does not reply that easily.
Park Jimin: He will, I made Taehyunga also text him. He always replies to Taehyunga.
Jung Hoseok: Priorities.
Jung Hoseok rarely made wrong assumptions.
Jeongguk chuckled and sent a photo his manager had clicked at the airport.
Jung Hoseok: Aigooo Jeongukka! You look so cute.
Rapmon hyung: we miss you kuku
Jung Hoseok: It feels so empty without you!
Min Yoongi: a little peaceful I must say
Park Jimin: no sleeping beauty to wake up :(
Yoongi hyung misses you the most you know.
Jung Hoseok: You mean Taehyunga.
If only they could see the boy sitting in the hotel room, miles away from them, slowly turning a shade of crimson.
Jeongguk shook his head and typed, "I am fine hyung, the flight was good, ate a lot of food, we have reached our BnB, Sejin hyung is in the next room. LA is beautiful but very hot. My dance lessons start today itself.. we'll roam around a bit then go to meet the instructor.
Park Jimin: Send photos Jeongguka!
Taehyungie hyung: Good luck with your dance lessons Jeongguka, we miss you!
Park Jimin: Tae Can't stop thinking about you ;)
Jung Hoseok: He had been asking about your flight every 15 mins.
Taehyungie hyung: I was just worried, ok?
Jung Hoseok: sure sure, keep us updated Jeongguka! Xx
Jeongguk quickly took a shower and it was almost quarter past two when he tagged along with Sejin.
Sejin was one of the crew that worked with Bighit. He was in his late twenties, with kind eyes, and a genuine smile and served as a manager, but his straightforward personality and mature handling of every situation, made him a trainee favourite. He was not the type to relay everything the boys did to the boss, instead just shook his head and heaved a sigh when any of them were caught doing something they were not supposed to. Which is why Jeongguk was more than relieved when he got to know Sejin would be the one accompanying him. They walked to a small diner where they ate lunch and then proceeded to the studio.
The studio here was humongous compared to the one they had back home. Equipments lined the walls and the wooden floors were polished. Their instructor, Austin, a tall guy with brown skin and black hair neatly tied into cornrow braids, greeted them by the door. "Nice to meet you man," he shook hands with Sejin, then turned towards Jeongguk. "And you must be Jung-kook, right?"
Jeongguk nodded, his throat a little dry. A few pair of curious eyes looked towards him. He took Austin's outstretched hand, his eyes fixed on the swirl of blank ink that rose from his wrist and traversed up his forearm, disappearing under the sleeve of his Tee.
He had never seen so many tattoos on one person before.
It looked mesmerising.
"You like 'em tattoos, huh?" Austin raised his brows.
Jeongguk let out a timid smile and mumbled, "very... good."
Austin chuckled, "When you're an adult, come back here and I'll hook you up with this buddy of mine, he'll get you any design you want."
Jeongguk turned to Sejin who translated it for him, making him smile and nod.
Sejin turned back to Austin. "With the career this guy is going for," he put a hand on Jeongguk's head and ruffled his hair. "Tattoos might not be a plausible option."
Austin clicked his tongue. "That's a shame," he turned to Jeongguk. "Or you could get a hidden one," he winked.
He turned to his side. "This my right hand man," he clapped another guy in the back. "Wes, meet our friends from Korea."
Wes, a pale guy with blonde hair, gave them a finger salute. "Pleasure."
Jeongguk nodded.
"Austin gives you trouble, you come to me, alright?" He grinned.
Austin rolled his eyes, "Alright, follow me-" he walked to the end of the space where a small group of seven teenagers stood. "Everyone- this is Jung-kook, he is from Seoul, and he is here to join our workshop as well, let's be kind to him, yeah?"
Jeongguk almost used Sejin as a human shield while they did the introductions. For the first day Jeongguk lingered on the sides, watching the others train, how they moved and danced.
It was a strange assortment of kids. Ben and Cory, who were cousins, were from Long Beach, Hugo belonged to Santa Ana, Michael was from San Diego, Adam belonged to Montebello, and Lucas, and Niro, were locals. They all had different styles of dancing but moved with simple perfection.
After their session ended, he walked back with Sejin, picking up dinner from a Korean food truck along the way.
He took a shower, lay in bed in his pyjamas, replied to all his texts and passed out from the exhaustion.
Los Angeles got Jeongguk awestruck. Each day at sharp ten he would be in the studio, where the sessions ranged from simple freestyle choreographies to laborious break dancing, or B-Boying. He learnt locking and popping, and the complicated moves Austin taught them. Even thought there existed an obvious language barrier, the boys were kind to him, and mostly left him alone, well except for Ben who always glared at him like Jeongguk stole his lunch or something.
Weird.
In the evening after their practices were over, Sejin took him to nearby food trucks, restaurants, and diners, and they indulged in a hearty meal where Jeongguk complained about Ben but Sejin shrugged it off as 'you need to deal with this on your own, kid' before they went back to their accommodations.
Almost a week later, Jeongguk leaned on a wall, catching his breath, a bottle of water in his hand. Two new guys, Asher, from Redondo Beach, and Max, another local, had joined a few days ago.
Max was his favorite. His mother was Korean and he sometimes brought the most delicious packed lunches and shared it with Jeongguk. They were reminiscent of home.
He made sure to text and call the members whenever he got time, and sent them photos. Seokjin had also moved into the dorm back home and Hoseok was very appreciative of it as the eldest was an excellent cook. He missed the chaos of the dorm, and thought about a pair of deep brown eyes more frequently than he should, feeling a bit homesick at times.
He just had to endure it for another five weeks.
Currently, they had taken a short break from an intense training session. Gulping down the water, he saw Ben from the corner of his eyes, staring at him again.
He could sense the hostility from a distance.
Jeongguk was absolutely clueless why Ben looked like he hated him. Jeongguk barely talked to anyone, did everything he was asked of, and tried to stay as mindful as possible about the others, so what was this guy's problem really?
Austin clapped his hands making heads turn towards him. "We start a new lesson today," he announced. "I know all of you are here to learn dance but I'll have you know, the most important part of dancing is not the way you move but the confidence with which you move, and that might come naturally to some of you and maybe not to others-"
Jeongguk felt his ears heat.
"But as your trainer, I am bound to instill that confidence in you, which in my experience only comes from humiliating yourself in front of others until you're thick skinned enough to rid yourself of those nerves that hold you back," he grinned. "We start now with danceoffs."
A low murmur went up.
"It is exactly what the name suggests," Austin clarified. "Each of you will face off against another and we'll vote to decide the winner. There are ten of you, so the losing five will have to stay an hour extra for workouts."
They all groaned.
Austin waved them off. "Who wants to begin? Any volunteers?"
Ben's hand shot up and Jeongguk's gut moved in worry. He could feel the guy had been planning something.
"Who do you want as your opponent?" Austin asked.
Even before Ben opened his mouth, Jeongguk knew what the answer was.
"That boy-" Ben flicked his chin towards Jeongguk. "Who has no buisness being in this workshop."
Whispers rang around him and Jeongguk felt like he was going to combust on spot. It was humiliating, the way everyone looked at him.
Austin interrupted. "That's not fair Ben-"
"What's not fair is that this guy," he pointed at Jeongguk. "Gets to come to this workshop batting his pretty eyes and mediocre moves."
"Boy, you need to be in your lane," Austin folded his arms across his chest, glaring at Ben.
"You're one talking about healthy competition," Ben countered, his eyes glinting. "And I would like to wager something. If I can outdance pretty boy right now, he will treat me to dinner for a week at the deli round the corner."
Jeongguk slanted his eyes towards Sejin who stood in a corner, leaning against a table, hands lazily stuffed in his pockets. He raised an eyebrow at Jeongguk.
When Jeongguk had earlier complained about Ben's hostility towards to him, Sejin had merely said, "This trip is for you to find yourself, unless there's a danger of bodily harm to you, you need to solve your problems on your own."
Austin shook his head. "You can find another guy Ben, this is-"
"And if I do?" The words were out before Jeongguk could think.
Everyone turned to him.
Jeongguk had been shit scared of dancing in front of people when he had first joined BigHit a year ago, always dancing the backdrop, until a crazy guy had entered his life and pushed him ahead one fine day without warning. And that had been just the beginning. Taehyung had coerced him into taking the front spot everytime they danced and as much as Jeongguk wanted to beat him at times, he realised he wasn't that afraid to take the centre stage anymore.
"You're golden, Jeongguk."
And then there was this guy, who had met Jeongguk a week ago and yet was determined to act like a prick.
"What'd you say?" Ben scrunched his face.
"I said," Jeongguk cleared his throat. "What if I..." he tried to remember the word Ben had used earlier. "Outdance... you?"
Ben stared at him as if he didn't expect Jeongguk to speak at all, but his fear had been taken over by anger and fury poured through his veins like lava.
Ben let out a laugh. "If you do, I'll buy you dinner for two weeks!"
Austin turned to Jeongguk, "You don't have to accept, this guy is an idiot at times."
"I'll do it," Jeongguk affirmed.
Austin heaved a sigh. "Teenagers and their dramatic asses," he muttered to himself. "Alright, get back," he motioned for the others, "Ben and Jeongguk, tell Wes the choice of songs, you get a minute each."
Ben who stood closer to Wes, told him and walked to the centre. Jeongguk chewed his bottom lip and dragged his feet to where Wes stood.
His mind through all songs he could dance to, finally stopping at one. Back home, Hoseok and Jimin had all but dragged Jeongguk to dance with them in Hakdong park on this song. The song was a bit risqué but America was all about that freedom.
He mumbled his choice to Wes who let out a smirk. He glanced at Ben and then looked at Jeongguk, "Get him in line, kid," he smiled.
Jeongguk nodded and moved to stand at the side, letting Ben start. There was no doubt that Ben was a great dancer. His movements were sharp, his steps were clean, and he had precise control over every part of his body. By the time a minute was over and praises were hurled at Ben, Jeongguk had a slight inkling that this might have been a bad idea. He could have just taken the easy way out and not gone through with this. Austin even gave him a way out. In a rush of his pride, Jeongguk thought, now he was about to suffer and even more humiliating defeat.
He gingerly walked to the centre, not letting panic solidify in one place. He looked around. Silence prevailed.
"Go for it Jungkook!" A rough voice boomed from his left. He turned to find Cory and Hugo clapping, until the others followed. His blood hyped, and when Candyshop's bass pumped through the speaker, Jeongguk let it go. He let the beats guide him, keeping his movements in control, and his breath steady. He never focused on one face too long, flitting his eyes from one person to another, not giving himself a chance to let self doubt take over. The thrill of dancing, he could feel it in his bones this time. It exhilarated him giving him a high he could not describe.
When he finally came to a halt, a defeaning cry of cheers erupted around him until he was crowded by the others. It was a cacophony of praise, most of which he could not understand but understood the emotion behind them. The clamour ended with Austin's voice. "It's time to vote," he called out, his lips twitching from the sides.
"For Ben raise your palms, and for Jungkook raise your fists, ready? Okay, one- two- three!"
Everyone raised their hands, Jeongguk quickly scanned the air for the number of fists and his heart leaped to find all eight hands curled into fists above their heads. He looked at Ben who had also just come to the same realisation. Ben stared at him, narrowing his eyes, and Jeongguk knew he was about to protest when he walked towards him and stood a feet away from Jeongguk. If he had thought Jeongguk would cow in and let him win, he had been proven wrong. There was no backinfmg down now. The air crackled with tension until Ben let out a scoff and his hand went up slowly, his fingers closing in on themselves, and he smiled, shaking his head.
Austin let out a laugh. "Guess that decides it, the winner of this round is Jungkook!"
Another roar of cheers erupted around them, with the boys clapping their shoulders and shaking them. Ben put out his hand in front of him. "Dinner at eight?" He asked, smiling lazily.
Jeongguk grinned and shook his hand, then looked sideways at Sejin who still stood in the same corner, giving him an acknowledging nod, before taking out his phone and clicking a photo.
Jeongguk was pulled back with the others, when Austin shouted for the next paor, Cory and Max to start.
Austin had turned out to be right. There was no better way to gain confidence than to face your fears everyday and get thick skinned at the end.
Dance now became freedom for Jeongguk. It felt like an opening flower or a bird aloft. To feel every movement was a new breath for his body and nourishment for his soul.
He finally felt included in the small band of trainees at the workshop. Ben, who had lost the hostility towarda him, now called him 'My man.' In a week's time Jeongguk had eaten every possible item out of that deli's menu with Ben. The other boys became his friends too. Days passed by in a blur. Asher taught him swear words in English and Jeongguk returned the favour with free lessons in Hangul. Niro took all of them to his home once, and his mother made dinner. Lucas showed him all the hidden spots of the city and Cory sometimes smuggled the playboy magazine in his bag and they all sat in a circle in a corner and flitted through the pages. Hugo made a fuss about the same type of lunch one day and his desire to try other cuisines, and they all visited Koreatown, with Jeongguk as their food guide.
In a span of forty days, Jeongguk had become acclimatised to Los Angeles quite easily. He looked forward to going to the studio everyday, and even on Sundays he usually ended up roaming around with the same people.
"Why don't you come and train here permanently?" Max had asked him one day, as they were walking on the pavement. "We could join a dance group together."
Jeongguk's mind ran back to the to the stone paved roads of Gangnam, the smell of wet soil after rains. It would be monsoon now, in Seoul, skies filled grey clous and streets filled with water.
He felt a pang in chest at thought of leaving it, but looked around, Ben walked ahead, his hands across the shoulders of Lucas and Adam, their raucous conversations echoing in the empty street. This group of people, had also become his family, similar to Bighit, choosing to stay here would not be so bad. When he returned to the BnB that night, he took a long warm bath, letting the hot water relax his aching muscles. He quickly put on his shirt and pyjamas and settled into the bed. The cool breeze gently rustled the trees outside his window. The pale crescent moon shone like a silvery claw in the night sky. Around it, in the serenade of the black, the stars were a choir singing in infinite patterns.
Dancing.
That was all Jeongguk could think about in the last week of LA. On his last day, the boys took him to Koreatown, and they feasted on jjamppong. They gave him a farewell gift, a pair of earphones and a Tshirt with spiderman on it. Max implored him to come back, to join a dance group, the others agreed, convincing him the best they could.
And it had worked.
Jeongguk had talked to Sejin one day and the elder didn't seem surprised. "Dancing sets you free, I can see it in your eyes" he had smiled. "We have to go back for now, but I'll talk to PDnim, he can set you up with his contacts."
On the flight back home, his mind was torn. When Jeongguk heard the music it was like liquid adrenaline being injected right into his bloodstream, not so strong as to freak him out, but just enough to make him tingle and start to move his body. He was a well-oiled machine on the dance floor. When he flowed in dance it was as if it were the only way his body truly knew how to speak. Verbally he was guarded, physically he would try to shrink and fade into the background no matter where he was. But on the dance floor, his personality, his sensuality burst through into the most vibrant picture of a beautiful soul.
He maybe did not want to be an idol, America showed him the colours of dancing. The hues were so vivid and vibrant that he could not shake off the feeling when he stepped out of the airport, the decision to return to Los Angeles made in his heart. He entered the dorm, and all his thoughts were abruptly halted when a vanilla scent swirled through his senses and a body crashed into his wrapping him in an embrace.
Home.
He hugged him back.
"Jeonggukshi, the voice was muffled against the Jeongguk's shoulder. "I missed you."
What was he thinking about? Jeongguk was definitely thinking about something important when he entered the dorm.
But his thoughts had vanished into the familiar whiff of belonging.
"I missed you too, hyung," Jeongguk grinned.
Where else would he rather be? At that moment the arms squeezed a fraction tighter and Jeongguk breathed more slowly, his body melting into Taehyung's, as every muscle lost its tension to the spring air.
This was life, real life.
"Why aren't you at practice,nhyung?" Jeongguk asked as Taehyung pulled away from him.
Taehyung chuckled, "Well I came back early to welcome our precious maknae". He lightly flicked the younger's chin.
The door burst open and a loud voice rang through the apartment.
"Jeonggukaaa," Jimin ran in slow motion towards him. "You're back!"
All his hyungs entered, sweaty and tired from practice but their faces lit up. Jeongguk was surrounded by embrace and ruffling of his hair, the chaos of home in his ears.
"We have brought some fried chicken," Hoseok lifted the packets, "You must be hungry for some Korean food."
"We even restocked the banana milk," Seokjin grinned, plopping down on the sofa. "Get changed and come for dinner."
Jeongguk walked towards the bathroom with heavy steps.
The guilt ran high. Taking a shower, Jeongguk turned the handle to maximum heat, letting the hot water prickle at his skin.
How would he tell them?
How would he tell the boy who looked at him with stars in his eyes that 'hey, I am not staying'?
After his shower and dinner, Seokjin and Yoongi opened a few bottles of soju in celebration of the Jeongguk's return.
Jeongguk excused himself when he confirmed the drunkenness scale of the hyungs had already crossed the fifty per cent mark.
He trudged to the rooftop, walking over to the railing and looked at the cityscape. The memories of Taehyung bringing him here before he had to leave spun around him.
It made this place special, no matter the run down condition it was in.
The wind carried fine drops, each one a promise of the rain to come. A soft scent of the earth swirled around him. As newly chilled air moved the clouds, streaks of brilliance broke through from a patient moon.
Jeongguk let his eyes rest for a moment, feeling the ambience of the street, hearing the sounds, taking in the aroma, and letting his brain be still.
He would miss this.
The shuffling of footsteps made him turn back to find Taehyung leaning at the edge of the doorframe. His hands in his pockets, the soft breeze moving his hair, tousling it into buoyant curls.
"Escaping the crowd, Jeonggukshi?"
Kim Taehyung.
The one person who stood like a blanket of emotional security for Jeongguk, and even though he had longed for the elder without measure, Jeongguk had now learned to rely on himself, mostly with the elder's help.
The one person Jeongguk was dreading the most to tell his decision to. The only thing that made him second guess his desire to move to States and pursue dancing was standing in front of his eyes, hands in his pockets, a loose sweatshirt hanging on his lean frame.
Ethereal.
Jeongguk had missed him the most. His banters, his tickles, his random outbursts of emotions, his rambling about the things he liked. Jeongguk could sit and listen to the elder speak for hours. Even if he had no idea what Taehyung was talking about. He could and he would still listen intently, trying to imprint that voice into his mind. It calmed him, like gentle waves rolling across the sandy beach, gushing with warmth.
How was he supposed to leave him?
Taehyung was his guide, philosopher, and friend. He was almost family.
How would he ever survive anywhere without him?
Taehyung walked over and stood next to him. A sweet fragrance swirled around him. He always smelled nice.
"So? What is our LA star wallowing about?" His signature boxy smile creased his eyes.
"I am not wallowing," Jeongguk scoffed. "And I am not a star either."
Laughter.
Taehyung's laughter was the summer rain and the birdsong too, and every time he heard it, no matter the weather, it was comforting. It was as if the elder's sound lifted a veil from his eyes and allowed Jeongguk to see the world more clearly. It was funny how laughter could do that, those honest rumblings of the soul.
Taehyung's laughter reverberated through Jeongguk's entire being. "You'll always be a star to me," he winked. "So, what are you doing up here alone?" Taehyung turned to face the streets.
"I was just thinking."
"About what?"
"About LA."
"What about it?"
"I have come to enjoy dancing a lot, hyung," he sighed.
"Well that's a given, your eyes blazed when you danced, even before you went to States."
"I like singing, also," Jeongguk tapped his fingers on the rail.
"Yes, your voice is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard Jeongguka, it is euphonious," Taehyung grinned. "I learnt the word from Namjoon hyung."
Jeongguk shook his head, smiling. Talking to Taehyung was so easy, so comfortable.
A minute passed before Jeongguk spoke again. "What if I had to choose one, singing or dancing?"
"Both," Taehyung answered without much thought.
"Both?"
"Yes, that is why you're going to be an idol, so you don't have to choose," Taehyung proudly replied, beaming at his supposed smart answer.
Jeongguk chuckled to himself. They looked over the cityscape together, taking in the hazy glow of the street lamps. There was probably no easy way to say this. He just had to rip the band-aid in one go. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Until now these were just his thoughts, a tornado in his mind, but saying it out loud would make it more final.
"I want to leave hyung, go back to LA, I don't want to be an idol."