I wake up and it seems like everyone nodded off to sleep during the movie. Limbs intertwined, Folio lightly snoring at the end of the bed, Nick snoring not so lightly at the top of the bed with Sadie in his arms. I tap Noah's phone careful not to wake him. Five thirty in the morning.
I carefully get out of bed grabbing my work out stuff and make my way to the bathroom. I quickly get ready, brush my teeth and check myself in the mirror. Under my eyes are red raw, in my left eye I seem to have burst a blood vessel. Fucking great. I keep my hair in the braid Noah did, get ready and brush my teeth. I head back into the bedroom, pull my shoes on and grab my phone just as Noah wakes.
"Hey... are you going down to the gym?" Noah asks quietly and I nod.
"I need to clear my head." I reply.
"I might join you in a bit." He lazily smiles at me.
"I'd like that." I return the smile and plant a quick kiss on his forehead. "I love you."
"I love you." He whispers and I head for the door making my way downstairs to the gym.
*
My feet smack hard against the treadmill. "Martyr" by Polaris blasts through my headphones. I don't know how long I've been running for, long enough for me to be bright red in the cheeks. As the song comes to a close I lower the speed on the treadmill settling on a fast paced walk. I wipe my brows on my sleeve just as Noah enters the gym. I pull my headphones down resting them around my neck as Noah steps onto the treadmill next to me.
"Hey, is everyone still in bed?" I say between breaths.
"Yeah, Nick was snoring stupid loud. I had to get out." Noah chuckles setting the speed higher on his treadmill.
"I don't think I've ever slept in a bed with four other people in one night." I wink at Noah.
"First time for everything. Wish I could say the same." He dryly replies making me laugh. "How you feeling?"
"Honestly a little better. I don't like everyone tip toeing around me. Thank you for telling them... I couldn't do it myself."
"It's okay, it's the least I could do... have you heard anything else?" Noah gently asks.
"Not yet. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go but I think I might need to. I don't want to regret not going. I just don't want to see my dad. He still terrifies the little girl inside me."
"Will he be there?"
"Yeah. She was his partner of more than twenty years. He'll be there and if my grandparents tried to stop him from coming he'd cause a scene. Noah I can't go alone, please will you come with me." I wish I was strong enough to do this alone but I'm not. I'm strong enough for my siblings but I need someone to be strong for me. Passing my dad in the street is one thing, having to be in the same room as him for at least half an hour is another.
"Ofcourse I will. Will the kids be there?"
"No I don't think so. They wouldn't understand what's happening. I don't think they really understand why they even live with my grandparents and not their own parents." I explain and Noah nods as more people join us in the gym. "I should probably call my grandparents later before we head to the next hotel." I continue. We're supposed to be travelling after check out to the next show.
"Morning you two. How you doing Mar?" Matt asks as he joins us in the gym. I hadn't even seen him come in.
"Not too bad, you?" I politely reply.
"Yeah good thanks. You guys excited for our next stop?" Matt smiles. He's so upbeat and positive all the time, he really does have that golden retriever energy.
"Yeah dude, it'll be fucking sick." Noah replies and the two of them start to chat amongst themselves. I pull my headphones back over my head and press play on Spotify, "I Don't Like People" by Boston Manor starts and I pick up the speed on the treadmill.
The irony of running on something that won't ever eventually get you anywhere makes me laugh at my own current situation. If I believed in God I'd ask him to help me but there is no big man in the sky so I have to deal with this shit hand I've been dealt, alone.
*
A date has been set. Two weeks time. The guys have a break in their tour which allows Noah to be able to come with me.
"So what date are you guys gonna fly?" Folio asks from the table. We're all on the bus, I'm squished between Nick and Noah. I don't know how so many of us manage to actually fit onto the bus. Every time it baffles me.
"Probably the Monday?" Noah asks. I hadn't really given it too much thought.
"Yeah. We'll need to look at flights." The more I think about it the more anxious I get about the whole situation. As I predicted my dad will be there, the kids won't and the reality of there only being five people at my mums funeral is pretty likely.
I pull out my phone and start to scroll through different sites for flights.
"Hey, hey." Noah clicks my phone off. "I'll sort that." He wraps his arm around me pulling me into him, kissing the side of my head.
"Noah, sorting flights? Good one." Nick laughs.
"More like us sorting Noah's flights on behalf of Noah." Jolly joins in knowing full well that Noah hates flying.
"Ay, I'll sort them. I just have to check every airline first to make sure I won't die." Noah replies half jokingly.
"It's okay bro, we've got you. So what's that six returning flights?" Jolly asks pulling out his own phone.
"Six?" I ask and they guys nod like it's obvious.
"Well yeah, we're gonna come? Our friend needs us so we'll be there for support?" Jolly smiles.
"Guys you don't need to do that." I protest.
"But we want to Mar." Folio tells me.
"You know what the boys are like babe, no point in protesting. You will not win." Noah tells me and he's right. Once their minds are made up there really is no swaying them.
"Thank you, I really appreciate it." I tell them and I do. They're honestly some of the best friends I've ever had. In classic fashion they shrug as if it's no big deal.
"So six returning flights yeah?" Jolly repeats.
"No, just five. It's best for me to not go with my visa. Sorry Mar, Nick will be there for the both of us though." Sadie says sadly.
"Hey it's okay. You guys really don't need to come." I say again to which I'm ignored.
"Just five tickets?" Jolly asks and we all nod.
"Five tickets to a funeral. How depressing." I say getting an unexpected laugh from the group.
"Five tickets to a funeral. Damn Margo." Noah says quietly and I shrug in response, resting my head on his shoulder closing my eye's.
Jolly's reading out different airlines Folio helping him which one to choose. Noah's humming gently to whatever he's listening to. Nick and Sadie chatting amongst themselves.
I think everything's going to be fine.
Things are going to get back to normal.