The red lights glaze over my eyes as I stand at the side of the stage. I'm trying to be present, to be supportive but I'm checked out.
It's a really bizarre feeling mourning the loss for someone that you didn't really know. It's like I have no right to be upset, to feel the way I do no matter how many times Noah tells me that it's okay for me to feel the way I feel.
"Mar..." Noah says my name as he stands in front of me.
"Yeah?" I didn't even realise they'd finished.
"We're going now baby, come on." Noah takes my hand and guides me towards the rest of the group.
I haven't cried since yesterday when we were outside of the restaurant. Everyone seems to be treading on eggshells around me and I hate it. I never told them what the call was about but they knew whatever it was had upset me. The tone of the day completely changing once we joined the table again after that phone call. I want it to go back to how it was before I got that call yesterday. All of it.
I can't stop my mind from going to that place of thinking what things would be like if she wasn't the way she was. Would she be a good parent? Would she have been a good friend? Would she have done everything she wanted to if she hadn't been the way she was?
"Babe do you wanna get something to eat or do you wanna just go straight back to the hotel?" Noah asks me.
"I just wanna go, please." I feel bad. The boys are all buzzing from their set and honestly here is the last place I want to be. "You stay. Have fun babe."
"Woah no. You're not going alone. I'm coming with you." Noah quickly answers then runs over to Nick as I grab my jacket and bag, Noah beside me seconds later. "Let's go." He takes my hand in his and we head for the exit.
We walk back to the hotel hand in hand. People see us, a couple stop and take photos of us from a distance but I don't care, neither does Noah. We walk quickly in silence, Noah gives everyone a "Fuck Off" stare if they get too close until we make it back to the hotel.
"Babe, head on up. I'll be a second." Noah hands me the hotel key and I do as he says making my way straight up to the room.
It's not until I'm taking my shoes off I realise why Noah's stayed downstairs to speak to the hotel staff. We never leave immediately after a show, we loiter around tidying up and putting things away. We either get straight on the bus and head to the hotel that way. If we're going out we mostly get an Uber to wherever we're going or back to the hotel. If we do ever walk it's much later after the shows ended and everyone's dressed in something different to what they were wearing onstage. Dark clothes, sunglasses, hats, caps etc. We've essentially guided fans to where we're staying.
A light knock on the door stops my thoughts and I get up to look through the keyhole, seeing Noah on the other side.
"Baby it's just me. Open the door." He whispers as I unlock the door.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't think. I just wanted to leave." I say as the door closes behind Noah.
"Hey, I know. it's okay." Noah reassures me. "Why don't we grab a shower and get into bed?"
"That sounds perfect." I reply making my way to the bathroom Noah closely behind me.
He flicks on the shower as I undress and I step under the water letting it wash over me. Noah gets in minutes later the water flows over both of us, he wraps his arms around me pulling me into him and I suddenly can't stop the tears from falling.
"It feels so wrong for me to be upset. I just keep thinking how different it could have turned out. How different her life could have been. Addictions a horrible disease and I know she did some really fucking awful things but I can't help but think maybe if she had gotten help things could have been better for her..." I ramble at Noah who holds me close and listens to every word that leaves my lips. "Like I won't miss her. I never loved her but I'm sad for her. I'm sad for my grandparents and the kids. I'm sad the person that made my life has had their own life come to an end. It was such a waste of a life..." I'm sobbing even harder, gasping for air as the water falls.
"Shhhh..." Noah whispers as he holds me against his chest, stroking my hair.
"I-"
"It's okay, just breathe." Noah cuts me off and I try to steady my breathing. My throat feels raw, it hurts to swallow. I look up at Noah who gently presses a kiss to my lips then against my forehead. "You're going to be okay baby." He whispers and I finally stop crying so hard, the tears slowing rolling down my cheeks.
Noah grabs the shampoo and massages it into my hair, doing the same with the conditioner, then finally reaching for the body wash.
"It's okay. I got it." I tell him just before he picks it up off the shelf.
"Please let me look after you." Noah pleads so I let him. He then does the same for himself Shampoo, conditioner, then body wash. I step out the shower wrapping myself in a towel, one around my hair too quickly drying myself then stealing one of Noah's tops for comfort. I pull it over my head the hem of it stopping at my thighs, scrunching at the chest part of the top pressing it to my nose and inhale. It smells like Noah, it smells like home. I grab a pair of shorts quickly pulling them on and then hop into bed. "Nice shirt." Noah winks at me as he ruffles the towel against his hair while I pull a brush through my own.
"Thanks, it's my boyfriend's I think it looks better on me though." I smirk as Noah gets into bed next to me.
"He has good taste in shirts but you're right. It definitely looks better on you." Noah smiles as I put the hairbrush back down on the side table.
"Will you braid my hair for me?" I quietly ask Noah who chuckles at my request.
"Of course." He pulls the sheets back and pulls up his legs so I can sit between them.
"Thank you." I say handing him a hair tie seating myself between his legs. I turn on the T.V as Noah sections my hair and starts to braid it.
I scroll through the movie options until I settle on Superbad.
"There." Noah finishes tying the elastic at the bottom on the braid flicking it over my shoulder.
"Thank you so much." I kiss him quickly and he then pulls me against his chest so I'm leaning against him, his arms wrapped around my waist. The opening scene for Superbad starts just as there's a knock on the door. I turn to Noah confused and he shakes his head as he gently moves me so he can wriggle out of sitting behind me. He heads straight to the door looking through the keyhole then chuckles to himself before opening the door.
"Helloooo... We heard our friends not doing so well so we're here for comfort, support and a movie night." Jolly sheepishly smiles in the doorway.
"Let us in, we brought snacks." Nick hisses making me laugh.
"And drinks!" Folio adds and Noah steps out of the doorway to let them in. Sadie immediately comes to my side and gives me a hug.
"I love you. Why didn't you say anything?" She asks and I shrug in response. Noah gets back into bed seating himself behind me pulling me against his chest once again.
"What we watching?" Nick asks as he squeezes himself in between Noah and Sadie, then pulling Sadie into the same position I am with Noah.
"Superbad." Noah replies as Folio hands us both a can of Fanta. "Thanks."
"No sweat." Folio replies as he and Jolly set all the snacks and drinks on the dresser then take seats themselves, Nick on his stomach at the bottom of the bed below our feet and Jolly in the dresser chair.
"Resume." Jolly says and Noah grabs the remote.
"Wait they're ten minutes in, you gotta rewind." Nick protests.
"Dude, ten minutes... you've missed nothing." Folio laughs then taking a sip from his can.
"A lot can happen in the first ten minutes. It sets the tone. Back to the start Noah." Nick argues earning a sigh from Noah as he reluctantly puts the movie back to the start.
"Well that's our private movie night no longer private. Sorry babe." Noah whispers into my ear.
"It's okay, I think it's just what I need." I reply and it's true. I just want it back to normal where no one acts like I'm broken or doesn't know what to say around me.
"Shut up Margo we're watching a movie." Nick hisses at me as Noah rests his head on mine.
"Don't talk to her like that Nick, that's my job. You do that again I'll leave you for wax Travis." Sadie scolds Nick.
"All of you shut the fuck up, I don't want to miss the part with Mclovin." Folio grunts.
"Bro that's like at least half an hour in." Nick protests.
"Shhhh! If y'all gonna talk through the movie get the fuck out." Noah grumbles.
"Yes boss, so sorry won't happen again." Nick smirks knowingly. No one's ever quiet through any movie we watch, especially Nick. "Can we play a game after?"
"No!" Everyone seems to shout at Nick at the same time.
"Okay, okay. It was just a question." He smiles.
"You guys are so annoying." I groan at them.
"Yeah but you love it. You love us Mar." Folio replies turning to face me instead of the movie. It's true, I love this weird group of friends so much I couldn't even imagine life without them now. I roll my eyes and scrunch my face making him laugh. "We love you too Margo."