Nicholas always dream of a normal and happy family. Everyone knows that his father died early so he doesn't have that much memories of him. But he remembered his gentle smile and hands that caressed him.
That is why he vows to be a father like him. After he died, his mother never became his mother. She was so busy and obsessed trying to hold on to their power and position that she neglected him.
He grew up starved of love. It's like someone gave a child a taste of candy and when he wanted more, they took it all away never giving him another.
He thought he's going to experience it if he marries the sweet and loving Qashanna. But he was wrong. Just like every family in this Empire, Qashanna also yearns for power and put his son to the seat of the Emperor.
Qashanna, abuses Mael covering it as a disciplinary action. But what can she do, it is how she was raised. How can a person be a good parent if she doesn't have a good role model?
But then Alarice came. It must be because Alarice came from a country that is family oriented. She showed Nicholas warmth that he was always looking for. She's strong, kind and someone who made his two sons open up to each other. If it's with her, he thought he could have the family that he wanted.
That's why he yearned for their own child. If it's her child, maybe it will be someone warm enough to fill the void in his heart. Of course he love his other children, but he can see himself in them. A void was also in their hearts.
Mael who he turned a blind eye on to despite being abused and to Naveen who was spoiled rotten and brainwashed by Elisha.
He failed those kids. He thought that Elisha and Qashanna will take care of the two princes wholeheartedly if he showed the princes favor but he was wrong. Those two still got involved with a scarred childhood.
It's their culture that's wrong. That's why he wanted Alarice to be someone who will show them what it's like to have a warm home.
That's why he was extremely jealous of Yuwei. His child despite not being of Alarice blood was able to inherit her legacy. It was something that should have been reserved for their child. Hiciel's silver hair was something that he hates as it reminds him of what she steal from their future child. He knows that blaming and hating an innocent child will do him no good but he really can't help but feel that way.
And now that the future that he dreams of is almost at his grasp, it slipped away on him like sand when you try to hold on to it too tight. And he knows it's his fault. He clearly knows that he brought it upon himself. What did he say to Alarice on their first night?
Don't expect me to sleep with you because I won't
But it's funny how he's the one who thirst for her first. His coldness and neglect towards Alarice is now hunting him. And he totally deserve that .
But his child didn't deserve this kind of death.
He was still holding the child's body hoping that it's warmth will come back.
"Your mother made me feel the warmth I've always wanted to feel. So I beg of you to please have that warmth too. I will wait, my princess. Instead, I'll warm your body for now so you won't get cold." He said hushing the baby to sleep
Alarice heart broke looking at Nicholas standing in his vast room holding the dead child. He was very haggard and a picture of a mess. His eyes lost its shine and so his hair's luster. He's becoming thinner as he wouldn't eat properly. He didn't even address his work that is piling on his desk at their office so Alarice was the one who step up.
He just keeps on holding the baby refusing to let it go. It's been like that for several weeks and the elders are now becoming more and more concerned as there is still no officially appointed heir.
Alarice walk through the room quietly. She gently caress his back and rest her forehead on his shoulders. Then she feels him trembles.
"I-I'm really sorry." His voice cracked. He's crying once again.
Those were the only words that he keeps on saying again and again whenever he sees her. Alarice close her eyes holding back her tears.
"I'm sorry." She said
Yes, she's sorry for lying to him like this. She's sorry for hiding their children. But what can she do? When he did a lot of things to make her insecure if he will really be able to protect them.
It feels he needs to loose them first, for him to realize that he was to blame for not being able to protect them and choosing another over them. Besides, you can never have the all the best in the world. Whoever Nicholas would choose between her and Qashanna he was bound to be hurt by his own actions.
It's the price he have to pay for his greediness and selfishness. He tried to keep them both but he can never. He must let go of one to fully protect the other. And in this case, it was clear to Alarice that she will never be chosen so she let ho first.
"Let's let her go now." She gently said
Nicholas hold the baby tighter. Still, refusing to let her go.
"Please. She needs to rest, Nicholas. We need to send her off now. You being like this won't make her happy." She said
Nicholas keeps on holding the baby tightly for a while then it loosened.
"Do you think she'll forgive me for being unable to protect her?" He asked
"Of course, how can she hate her father when you love her this much." She said
Nicholas nod.
"Please tell them to prepare for the First princess' funeral." He said
--
While Elisha was rejoicing thinking her plan succeeded, Qashanna felt so miserable. She felt like she lost. That even though Alarice's child died, she clearly lost.
She looked at her now healthy child after Alarice heal him.
"If it's my child who died, would you also weep like that, Your majesty?" She whispered as tear fell on her cheek.