It was like everything around me was falling apart. The air was ripped from my lungs despite the fact that I was trying to breathe.
It was like I was drowning, but the water flowing around me had nothing to do with it. I mean, I think it didn't.
I didn't cut myself, I just sat under the stream of cold water, hoping that everything would wash off me. I'm naive, you don't have to tell me that, but it was worth a try.
After a while, the cold water became warmer, even though my whole body was shaking and I couldn't feel my toes or hands. I could hear my heart pumping blood through my body more and more slowly.
Then the time stopped.
I raised my head, which was resting on my knees, and turned it to the side. My vision was blurred for a moment, but I noticed a tall figure approaching me.
I blinked a few times trying to focus my vision, and when I finally did, a familiar face stood in front of me.
"Jeremy?" I whispered.
He bent down to me on the ground, a smile on his face. "Hey, babe." He ran his hand over my face, his touch warm against the water running down my back.
"Is this a dream?"
"What do you think?" He laughed. "But I'm flattered that you dream about me."
"You're gone." My own words hurt me, but we all know that I hurt myself in other ways.
"And I'm sorry I left you here." He looked at me sadly. "This is because of me, isn't it?" He looked down my body, stopping at my wrists.
"I wanted to be strong, but..." I slowly shook my head. "I wasn't strong enough."
"Oh, but you're wrong, babe." He cupped my face in both hands. "You're the strongest person I've ever met. Everyone has weak moments, but that doesn't mean you're weak. Look at you," he smiled, "everything you've been through and you've still fought."
Fought?
"But for what? What's the point?" I kept looking between his two-colored eyes. "Why am I fighting when I lost..."
"Not me." He jumped into my speech. "I'll always be here." He took his hand off my cheek and placed it on my chest where my heart is.
"But you're not even really here." Because this is just my fantasy. Jeremy is dead.
"If it makes you feel better, neither are you."
"What?" I asked confused.
"Come on Lexi, you're a smart girl. You can't just see and talk to dead people. Not even in your dreams. Look around." His touch left my skin and he threw his arms around us. "Your clothes are dry, are you still cold?"
I lowered my gaze to my body and found that he was indeed right, my clothes were completely dry.
"What's going on?" I frowned and looked up at the shower head, which was running water, but I couldn't feel it on my body.
"Let me help you up." He held out his hand to help me stand, and I took it without hesitation. I stood up on my own two feet and for some reason felt light as a feather.
"Jeremy?" I wanted an answer to what was going on. Why doesn't this feel...real? As crazy as it sounds, I do feel that way.
"I'm sorry it's come to this, but it wasn't your fault Lexi. The world didn't deserve someone like you to begin with."
"What's not my fault? Jeremy what are you..." Before I could finish, Jeremy grabbed my chin between his fingers and turned my head to the side so I was looking back at the shower.
I've gone crazy.
That has to be it.
Why else would I see my own soaked body lying on the floor under the stream of water?
"What is..."
"It's okay."
"I'm dead?" No, just crazy for saying something like that.
"Not yet, but don't mind that now." He placed his hands on my shoulders, drawing my attention back to him. "The world won't hurt you anymore. It won't touch you here."
"Jeremy, I can't be dead."
"It sounds worse than it is, trust me." He laughed, but his smile dropped when he noticed the real worry on my face. "It's okay. No one will hurt you here and we can be together forever. We can go anywhere we want and..."
"But what about the others?" Even though what he was saying sounded like a dream come true, I couldn't stop thinking about the others. Lincoln, Luca, the twins and even my father. And Finn.
"They will join us one day."
"That's not..." I shook my head. "We lost you just a moment ago, if I died..."
"You're dying and you're still thinking about other people's feelings." The corner of his mouth turned up. "I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'd be lying. Babe, why are you trying to kill yourself when you obviously want to live? You can say you don't want others to lose you, but that's not true, and you u know it."
"I'm not trying to kill my..."
"You have to stop doing this. Not for me or your family or anyone else. Do it for yourself. Live the life you deserve."
"But I'm dying anyway, aren't I? How can I..."
"A knight in shining armor." He laughed. "Just like all those stories you read." He took a step towards me and kissed my forehead. "I'll see you again, but next time I hope you'll be at least eighty, wrinkled, old knees and a crooked back." He pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. "I love you, Lexi."
"Don't leave me." Again. My voice broke.
"I'm not going anywhere, babe. I'm always here. I'm always watching over you and the boys."
"Jeremy..."
"Shhh." He pulled me close and hugged me. "I'll see you again, I promise. Don't be sad, don't cry, not because of me."
"I love you Jeremy." I held him tightly by the fabric of his t-shirt, hoping to take him with me.
"And one more thing." He pulled away from me. "Next time you pour some beer on my grave, at least buy something better." I couldn't stop the laughter that came out of my mouth. "That's the smile and the laugh I've been missing." He ran his hand over my cheek, wiping a tear from it. "You can wake up now, babe." He smiled. "Wake up, sunshine." He said in a rougher voice that wasn't even entirely his.
"Lexi!"
"What do you mean she went back to live with her father?" I jumped to my feet as Zack informed me where Lexi really was. "How could they let her do that?"
"Shh. It's okay." He hushed Sunny who was sitting between us. "Luca said he changed, that he stopped drinking and..."
"He could have a halo and I wouldn't let him near her! What were they even thinking?"
"She's fine. Here," he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Luca, putting it on speaker. After a few beeps, he picked it up. "Hey listen, is Lexi with you?"
"No, Lincoln just said goodbye to her, she had dinner with her father, why?"
"But is she alright?" He asked, his gaze on me.
"She fixed our lives today, so I'd say yes, again, why?"
"I'll explain later when you get back, have a good time."
"See you." The sound of the end of the call was heard from the phone.
"You see..."
"I don't care what Luca said." I took my jacket from the couch and started to put it on.
"Where do you think you're going?" He also stood up from the couch. "You can't just run into her house. It's almost night."
"Zack, I value our friendship, I really do, but try to tell me what I can and can't do when it comes to Lexi's safety again and I'll hurt you." I slipped past him. "Watch Sunny, I'll come get him when I get back with Lexi!" I shouted as I was already closing the door behind me.
Of course, I wanted to talk to Lexi, I wanted to fight for us, but right now all I cared about was getting her out of there or making sure she was really okay. I've had a bad feeling ever since Zack told me she was with her dad. I wouldn't sleep anyway, and this way I kill two birds with one stone.
I got into the car and thanked God that the roads were empty. Although God probably had nothing to do with it, rather the late time I was driving at.
I didn't know what I wanted to say to Lexi, but I hoped that the words would come to me at that moment, so I didn't waste a second, and the moment I was in front of her house, I knocked on the door.
When no one answered the door after a full two seconds, I knocked again and then rang the doorbell.
A rough male voice finally came from inside shouting that he was on his way.
When Lexi's father opened the door for me, I considered punching him as a precaution.
"Do you know what time it is?"
"Where's Lexi?" I ignored his question.
"Up in the..." I tried to slip past him but his hand on my chest stopped me. At that moment I wanted to break it. "Where do you think you're going?"
"If you don't move out of my..."
"Either you calm down or we're going to stand here all night. You're not going inside like that."
I stood stunned at his words. What did he just say?
"She's a little upset and in the shower right now, so you'll have to wait anyway..."
"Upset?" I asked alarmed. Upset and in shower, two things I didn't like put together.
"Yes, we talked..."
"How long has she been in the shower for?" The worst things crossed my mind, and I don't even know why.
"A little longer than normal, why..." He didn't even have time to finish and I slipped past him running up the stairs in my shoes. "Hey!" He shouted after me.
I stopped in front of the bathroom door and tried to open it, but it was locked. "Lexi? Are you there?"
"She's showering, can't you hear?" Her father caught up with me. I heard the water running, but that didn't calm my fears. "You can't just..."
"Lexi, open the door!" I hit the door with my fist. "Lexi!"
"What do you think you're doing?" He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me away from the door. "If she's not opening the door, she obviously doesn't want to see you, get out..."
"Or she's not opening because she's not capable of it. You think you know your daughter?" I snorted. "You know nothing," I said between my teeth. "Move, I'm not above beating up senile guys." Or above crushing anyone when it comes to Lexi.
"She's fine." He said between his teeth.
"Then why isn't she opening the door!" I raised my voice, tired of having to argue with him.
"Maybe because you barged into her house, banging on the door and screaming like crazy!"
"Crazy?" I raised an eyebrow. "I'll show you crazy." I slipped past him to the door and kicked the doorknob with my foot, breaking the lock that kept me from her.
The door opened wide, hitting the closet behind it, and I ran inside.
"Get out of there!" Lexi's father shouted after me, following me inside. The worst thing he probably expected was that we would see his daughter naked.
He was wrong.
"Lexi?" He whispered as we both looked at Lexi's body in the shower.
She was lying on her side, water pouring from the shower head directly onto her. Her clothes were completely soaked, her lips were an unhealthy blue and she was not moving.
"No." I ran to her in the shower, immediately turning off the cold water. "No, no, no. Lexi, come on." I grabbed her face, shaking her. "Wake up, sunshine." I pushed her wet hair away from her face. "Lexi!"
She didn't answer me or open her eyes. I felt her faint pulse and let out a little breath.
I lifted her in my arms. "You'll be fine. We just need to warm you up." I started walking with her to the door towards her room.
I carefully placed her on her bed and began to strip her of her wet clothes.
"What are you doing?" Still in a bit of shock, her father walked through the door.
"She needs to get warm. Get all the blankets you have in the house and call an ambulance." He didn't move. "Now!" I raised my voice and it snapped him out of his trance. I went back to Lexi, dropping the wet clothes on the floor. I took the first thing I could get my hands on from the closet and quickly but carefully dressed her.
Meanwhile, her father returned with blankets and a phone in his hand.
I put Lexi in her bed and covered her with everything I could. I wasn't losing her, not like this, not today.
"Yes, we got her out of the water, yes we did...how long until..." He went behind the door while talking to the paramedic.
"Come on, sunshine." I sat next to her on the bed and slipped my hand under all the blankets touching her hand, looking for her pulse. It was still weak, but it was there, and her hand was slightly warmer than before. "You'll be fine." I squeezed her hand. "You have to."
But I knew one thing for sure, I would never leave her again, I would never let her go. She can beg me however much she wants.
Because if she wasn't okay, I don't know what would happen to me.