"If you guys don't mind, I'd like to start," Stefan spoke up, reaching out to pick up the bottle of beer that was by Jeremy's tombstone.
"Here." Next to me, Lincoln picked out the keys and helped him open it.
"Thanks." He smiled and took back the bottle. "So..." He cleared his throat. "Hey mate, we miss you...and it's not the same here without you. It's not fair that you're not here now and can't have one last drink with us. I think we all..." His voice began to trail off.
"Hey..." Adrian next to him grabbed his shoulder.
"I know. It's okay." He nodded. "We'd all like to talk to you one last time. To hear you tell some stupid joke or flirt with everyone. Our couch is empty without you and the funny thing is that there's suddenly a lot more food everywhere." He laughed, but there were tears at the corner of his eyes. "Adrian's candy stash was never fuller and..." He closed his eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I never thought something like this would happen. I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to you. I miss you ." He raised the bottle a little higher. "Goodbye, friend." He put the bottle to his lips and drank.
"I'll take it," Luca spoke up and reached to take Stefan's bottle and sat back down. "I'd like to say Stefan's right, we miss you Jerr. I never thought I'd miss your useless bullshit, but I do. I'd give anything to listen to you again." His voice was firm, but a tear ran down his cheek. "Take care buddy." He raised the bottle. "I hope you have found peace." He took a sip from the beer and wiped his face.
Luca is not one to show his emotions, but when he does, he really means it all. And I'm sure if Jeremy heard this, he'd be happy and maybe a little moved.
Adrian took a deep breath. "I'll try it." He took the bottle from Luca. "I was told not to joke, but I think if you saw us now, you'd hate it." Stefan elbowed him in the ribs. "Ow. Watch it." He frowned and looked back at the tombstone. "You'd hate it because in no time we'll all be crying like little babies. You'd hate that you're not here and that you're not able to comfort us. Stefan was right, our apartment is empty without you. No one wakes us up at three in the morning to play some dumbass video game. No one uses all the hot water first thing in the morning. I miss it all surprisingly. I miss you, dickhead, and I hope you haunt my dreams so I can see you again." Before the tears fell from his eyes, he wiped them away and picked up the bottle. "See you in another life." He smiled and drank from the beer.
Adrian handed the bottle to Lincoln, who took it with little hesitation. "I said a lot at your funeral, but we all know I was trying not to tarnish your image. You're not as innocent as I described you. But I wouldn't change a thing about you. I don't know where you are now, but wherever you are, I hope you're happy. And I hope you were able to take your bike with you." He laughed softly. "We all know you'd miss your baby the most." He smiled sadly. "I'm sorry we couldn't be there for you in your last moments. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend. And I'm sorry I couldn't save you."
Even before Lincoln started talking, I was in tears. But now I let them fall freely before grabbing Lincoln's hand.
"I miss you and hope to see you again someday. I promise I will take care of these people while you are gone." He looked at me. "I'll make sure I take care of everyone the way you've been. Goodbye." He returned his gaze to the tombstone and drank.
And then I was the only one left.
"You don't have to drink if you don't want to." Lincoln said after handing me the bottle. "We just thought he'd like it."
"Okay." I said quietly as I held the bottle tightly in both hands. "For starters, I'd like to say that I'm sorry that we haven't been as close as we used to be lately. I would give anything to hug you one last time and say..." My lips began to tremble. "I don't know how to live my life without you. I'm not ready for that kind of life. I didn't want to come because I wasn't ready to say goodbye to you." I breathed out hard. "I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. I hope you don't hate me for not being able to say goodbye." I raised the bottle to my lips. "I'll never forget you."
"Come on." Lincoln stood up and reached out to help me to my feet. He held my hand as we walked closer to the grave together and grabbed the bottle I was still holding. "Join us." He nodded to the others, who immediately stood up and walked over to us. Everyone grabbed some part of the bottle. "Rest in peace buddy, we'll miss you." With those words, we all tipped the bottle to the side so that the beer flowed out, which immediately soaked into the ground.
"I love you, Jeremy," I whispered, hoping that wherever he was, he heard.
This whole evening was supposed to be a step towards the beginning of healing, but some things can never heal. And I think this is one of them.
*****
"Lexi, hold up!" I stopped just outside the cemetery when I heard Lincoln behind me.
"Hm?" I turned to him.
"Do you need a ride? I'll take you to Finn's, it's on my way."
"No." I shook my head. "I'm not there anymore." I almost forgot about it.
"What do you mean?" He frowned confused. "Then where do you live?"
"I'm back at my father's place."
"Lexi..." Just from that, I could tell he was about to give me a whole lesson on why that was a bad idea.
"It's okay." I jumped into his speech. "Though you may not believe it, he is different."
"That doesn't change what he did."
"I know and I haven't forgiven him."
"What happened to Finn? I was there today to tell you about this." He pointed behind him.
"It's better this way." I hugged myself, I don't want to talk about this. "I have to go but take care Lincoln." I smiled sadly.
I've been thinking a lot about Finn, about what I said today, and how our relationship fell apart. Even though it hurt, I told myself that it was better this way.
For him, not for me.
"Hold on." He grabbed my arm as I tried to turn around. "Don't ignore us again, please. One message is enough just to let us know you're okay."
"I can't. I don't have a phone." He looked at me confused. "I left everything with Finn, and I'm not sure when I'm going to get it."
I don't even want to go there. Not that I don't want to see him, but I feel like he would somehow convince me to stay, and that's out of the question. He was miserable while he was with me, I don't want it to be like that. He deserves more, much more.
"Do you want me to go get it for you?"
"You don't need to worry about that."
"No, seriously, Lexi. I can drop by sometime during the week, no problem."
"Thank you, Lincoln."
"Of course." He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. "Don't distance yourself from us again. We missed you."
"Me too." I buried my head in his chest. "Oh, and Lincoln." I pulled away. "I haven't talked to Jeremy's parents, but if I could help them in any way...financially with regards to the funeral, I know I'm not the richest, but I have a little saved up and..."
"Wait, you don't know?" He cut me off.
"Know what?" I frowned.
"Uhm, everything is paid for."
I remember Jeremy telling me that his parents were struggling financially, but now it doesn't sound that way.
"Really?" I looked at him in disbelief.
"Yeah, someone paid for it."
"Who?" Why does he look like he's hiding something?
"Some family friend."
"Oh, that's good." I smiled. "At least they don't have to..." I didn't finish the sentence, he knew what I meant.
"Are you sure I can't take you home?"
"No, it's okay. It's not that far. Good night, Lincoln."
"Night, Lexi." He took a step towards me, kissed my forehead, and stepped away. I turned and started walking towards home.
I needed to clear my head and take an evening walk when no one is anywhere and the city is lost in the night and in pleasant silence.
For a small moment, the world around me stopped falling apart, for a moment I felt better.
Too bad it didn't last a little longer.
*****
I hoped that when I woke up in the morning I would feel a little better.
Yeah well, that didn't happen.
I felt guilty. I hurt Finn. His pained eyes were the first thing I remembered as soon as I woke up.
I kind of wished I hadn't woken up.
And here we are again. In a hole so deep that no one can reach us. All that work and we still got here. We probably deserve it then, right?
I've been hurt many times. Either physically or mentally.
Over the years I lost myself. I lost every bit of my soul.
And just when I was starting to think that maybe I could have my happy ending, it left. She left.
I don't know how long it took me to absorb what happened. I tried to understand why she would do that. Why would she leave?
Because you messed up again.
I was miserable and there was nothing I could do about it. The only person who could change it probably doesn't even want to see me.
I held her phone in my hands, hating that I couldn't text her or contact her somehow to see if she was okay. Find out where she is because she left her things in our apartment. Wallet, phone, all her clothes.
I was looking at the background of the phone, which changed every time I turned it off and on again. Sometimes there was a photo of us two, sometimes she was there with Lincoln, the twins, Luca, and Jeremy.
A meow at my feet snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked away from the screen and looked at Sunny who was walking around my feet.
Figuring he was probably just hungry, I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. I took his food out of the cabinet and put it in a bowl that I placed on the floor.
Sunny walked up to it, smelled it, looked up at me, and meowed.
"It's the same thing you had yesterday. Eat." I pointed to the bowl.
He just looked at me confused and meowed again.
"What the fuck do you want from me?" I raised my voice, which he obviously didn't like as he started to run away. "Shit!" I screamed and threw the things that were placed on the counter to the ground in one movement.
I put my hands on the edge of the counter, lowering my head and trying to calm down.
"Get it together, Finn," I said to myself.
I felt like I was going to collapse in no time. But I was a little surprised that it didn't happen sooner. And I mean the moment when Lexi ran out of the apartment. The moment my world fell apart.
I wanted to hit something. Or someone. Or get drunk or high and forget everything for a while.
But it all sounded like a bad idea. A bad idea from which there would be no turning back.
Suddenly someone knocked on the door.
I hoped, prayed, and begged that it would be her.
I ran to the door with hope that quickly vanished as Lincoln stood outside the door. My disappointment was clear.
"Whatever it is, I'm not in the mood." I tried to close the door in his face but he stopped it with his hand.
"Lexi sent me."
Hearing her name, my hand slid to my body and I let him open the door again.
"You're here for her stuff, aren't you?" Another piece of my heart fell from my chest.
I knew sooner or later she would have to come get her things, but I didn't expect Lincoln to come instead.
"Look Finn..."
"Whatever you want to say, keep it. I don't care." I interrupted him. "Her travel bags are under the bed. Take what you see." I stepped away from the door and headed for the bathroom, the only room I could shut myself in.
I had no plans to help him pack the things of the woman I love, the woman who is leaving me. Or maybe she has completely left since she doesn't even want to see me.
I honestly don't even know what keeps me together. I feel like everything has already crumbled, but I'm still standing.
I slowly opened the bathroom door but remained standing in its frame. I watched as he packed her things, which were stored on the right side of the closet.
"She okay?" After a while, I spoke.
"She's trying." He took a step back and placed a few pieces of clothing in the bag. "We all are."
"Okay." I nodded and took a step toward the kitchen. His answer did not reassure me at all.
"What happened?" I stopped when I heard him again. "Between you two."
"She left." Even though it was a simple answer, nothing about the situation was simple.
"That's all?" He snorted. "She just left?"
"Yes." I said through gritted teeth, still with my back to him.
"Come on, there had to be something..."
"I didn't hurt her if that's what you think." I jumped into his speech and turned to him. "I don't know if this whole situation with Jeremy and you guys was too much for her, or if I was too much for her, but she just left, okay? I love that woman, I would never do anything to hurt her." I buried my finger in my chest. "And when she wanted me to let her go, I had to. You don't know the way she looked at me. You don't know how I felt when I had to let her go, even though every cell in my body was against it."
"Finn..." I saw the regret in his eyes and hated it with every part of my body.
"Shut the door behind you when you leave." I turned on the spot and made my way to the door grabbing the key from it before slamming it behind me and leaving the building.
Maybe it was dangerous for me to be alone now, but I had no choice. Just like I had no choice when she begged me to let her go.
I don't think I'll ever make a bigger mistake in my life than that.