I couldn't sleep all night so instead of trying to sleep, I just wrote down my feelings and cried a ton. Those hot flashes and bad feeling kept coming on to me. I think I won't be able to stay here any longer with these panic situations. These are eating me up.
Since my childhood, I've had good amount of anxiety. But I never expected them to take this turn one day. I don't know why it's all coming down on me now. But I surely need to make some changes in my routine and ofcourse be less stressed out. Stress is not good for anybody let alone me. Dr Google is so sure that I have heart attack symptoms so for relief I went to submit my blood test today. My bp is normal than before but I feel that I take stress way too much due to which I might be having BP irregularities throughout the day.
My neck and left hand hurts even today. Whatever might be the case, I am stressed today. I met Ahana and told her about my problems. I did not ask for a therapy session. I obviously can't tell her all the truth + it's expensive. She was really sweet to me. She recommended a lot of things to me and I am grateful for that - any medications. I feel scared still. I don't wish this feeling even on my worst enemies.
I informed my mom to talk to Aadarsh's mom and dad. I hope she handled the situation well. I did what Aadarsh tried to convey. The reason my mom would tell for my behaviour would be something like : Ahana is under a lot of pressure and stress and she might have overreacted in her loneliess blah blah blah. I don't even want to repeat those sentences.
I am drinking coffee in the library cafe thinking that it increases bp and stress too. Since yesterday, hypochondria has gotten over me real bad. It's been a long and sad day today and I am in no mood to sit in the library all alone.
I reach the gate and Vihaan is already there reading Kafka today. Wow. I am amazed. But what I see today seems very different. I observe him today. I see me in him. He is heavily engrossed in his book sitting on the floor on the support of one shelf. I have rarely seen him in his glasses. All this time, I rarely see him closely. It's always been me running here and there and barely observing him.
Keeping all the books and reading aside, he looks gorgeous otherwise too. So it's kinda obvious that almost everybody likes the way he looks and sounds. I have never seen him working out but he is quite well built. He looks so peaceful at this moment. Agh I wish I could read too something other than my syllabus.
And here he is turning his head all of a sudden and looking at me blankly. And hot flash again.
" May I come in sir?" I blabber fastly.
" You in 2nd standard still?" He replies back calmly turning another page.
" Uh I thought I should ask since you're so engrossed in your book." I say going inside and putting my stuff on the table.
" Uh do I look that good while reading?" He asks folding his hands together.
Damnn. " Uh I was just remembering what happened yesterday nothing else. And I kind of want to read too so yea" I say trying to convince him.
"Right." He stands up and puts the book on the table. " How are you feeling today?" He asks
" Better now. Gave some tests today just in case." I say.
" Huh" He grins. " It was panic nothing else." He says with a double affirmation on his face.
" How are you so sure? Do you also have them?" I ask curiously.
" No. I just know." He says not sparing any details.
" Ohkay. Well it's all better now. Nothing to worry about." I say.
" You should go home. Get some rest." He says.
" What??" I am shocked. What is he saying. This man of all people is giving me a spare leave. What? Why? Is he in love with me or what?? Hahahaha.
" You should. You need it. I also have to meet Krishant today. I'll drop you. We will leave in 30 mins." He says while turning away.
" Oh thankyou so much. I am alright though." I say cheeringly. He lets out a weak smile.
I pack my bags happily singing and dancing. My parents are also there today. I am so happy. My happiness knows no boundaries. The wedding will be in 15 days and I will have to take leave before that.
I reach the porch and find Vihaan there talking to some men out there. He takes me in notice and starts proceedings towards his car. I am just very happy that I'll meet my parents now. It's already dark.
Vihaan goes on the other side to sit and I think I will have to sit in the back side as well beside him. I open the car gate and put all my stuff in middle. I close the gate and the car starts moving towards my home.
The jerk after closing the gate sends a wave down my left hand and shoulder as well as neck. And here goes. I straighten my back just in case. And yes. Closed car, darkness, side of the window, two people ahead, a man beside me too, my stuff in the middle, the car smell, almost no AC and the closed windows.
I feel hot again. And this should not be panic but yet it is. Comeon Anika, you are just going to reach your home. I turn my head and Vihaan is working on his IPad.
" Can you lower the temperature please." I say and take a deep sigh. I can't show him that I am freaking out again and others too. They all will think that I have gone mad or something.
" Sure." says Vihaan. He lowers the AC to two points.
After 2 minutes, and this situation is not getting better. I feel congested. And here comes the breathing. I am unable to breath properly. So I start taking deep slow breaths. Vihaan takes a look at me and then looks back at his IPad.
My chest hurts now. Again. My neck and chest hurts badly now. What if it's heart attack again? My hands are full in sweat and so is my face a bit.
" Sir. Can I lower down the windows." I say pleading him while taking some deep breaths. My face has become tense now.
He turns down all the windows from some remote instantly. " Are you okay?" He asks calmly. How is this man calm all the time.
" Yea. It's just hahh it's just the weather haah." I close my eyes and tell myself that it's all okay. " Haah my chest hurts again. Hahh. Hahh. What should I do? Please tell. What should I do?" I say pleading him.
" Just breathe okay. It will pass." He says while handing me water bottle.
" it's not about breathing. Something is terribly wrong with my health. You don't understand." I tell him breathing heavily.
" Stop the car." He says strictly to the drive. The car pulls aside.
I open the gate and walk outside. I feel a bit better after taking this air. But the chest pain and shitty feeling is still there. Like something is not good and I should do something.
Vihaan comes over to my side. " What happened last night has heavily triggered you. It's normal. Relax. Breathe. It will subside. Believe in me. It will. Do 4 7 8. " He says while trying to calm me down. He is better than a doctor I swear.
I do it more than 15 times. I sit on the side of the road and start thinking a 1000 thoughts.
" Stop overthinking it. You will just hurt yourself more. You need to take a control over your emotions." He advises while standing beside me.
" Come on let's go. We should file a FIR." He says.
" Uh there's no need. Let's just go." I say while getting up.
" Really? After all this? What you have done is not enough. What really happened yesterday? I don't get it but what you said and what Abhi told me differ a lot. What is it about? Care to explain?" He asks raising his voice. He seems really mad. Maybe mental health sufferers trigger him or something.
What happened yesterday. How can I tell him all that? It will ruin everything for me. World is not easy for me like his is. I have a toxic boyfriend who will eat me alive someday.
" I need you to speak". He says looking at me. I look back at his eyes searching for an answer. A long and a clear one. I wish I could just tell him everything. But how can I? What am I to him? What is he to me? No one. He is here for a few days and will go then to build a library somewhere else.
How can he expect me to tell him something so deep about me? I wish he was a stranger to me right now so that I could just blabber everything that's getting on my mind. That how much I suffer. How scared I am of that sick man. How fearful I am. How strong I want to be yet stuck here in this dilemma. I wish at this moment I could just take his hand and take him on a long walk and tell him everything about how my life's been like and how much I yearn for a true friend everyday.
" Anika. Stop zoning out." He says again.
I have a lot to say Vihaan yet all I can say is " I am fine sir." I say calmly.
He closes his eyes in disappointment and then looks at me again in search for an answer and hope. All I can do in this moment is nothing. So I let that tear struck down my cheek. And soon enough I have started crying.
" I am scared." I say while crying.
He comes closer to me and wraps me in a hug. I can smell his perfume. He smells so fresh but more than that he smells like peace to me. I don't know how much I have hated him all this time or how much I'll hate him in future but this man was there and is there today with me at my worst.
So I just couldn't stop crying any less. After about 2 3 minutes, he let go of me. It's awkward but how the hell should I care. I wish I could tell him everything.
" I wish I could say to you things I really want to. But for now, thankyou so much. I appreciate it so much. So much that I." And I break into tears again.
He pats my shoulder gently. He takes me back in his car. And the rest of the journey, I think I won't be able to remember.
We reach our home.
" Thankyou so much Sir." I say to him.
" Take care of yourself Anika. Don't stress out too much. You are very young. You have got a lot to achieve yet." He says to me calmly.
I nod.
We reach my home soon after.