"Baby, you're hallucinating. Zyran isn't real."
The sensation that enveloped me was indescribable.
It felt as though an arrow had pierced my heart, leaving a searing ache in its wake. The air around me seemed to evaporate, leaving me gasping for breath. It was as if the entire world had come crashing down on me.
In that moment, it was as if I existed in a surreal nightmare, a dream from which I couldn't wake up from. My mind reeled with disbelief, unable to comprehend the reality I was forced to accept.
My breath caught in my throat, my heart pounding so fiercely that its rhythm echoed loudly in my ears, drowning out all other sound. It was the only sound I could hear.
Turning to Zyran, I felt a desperate plea escape my lips in a barely audible whisper. "Please, do something," I implored, my voice trembling with fear and uncertainty. His gaze met mine, his expression soft yet burdened with its own weight of emotions, as he released a heavy sigh.
"I'm sorry. I'm not real."
A single tear came falling from my eyes.
The turmoil in my mind threatened to consume me entirely. Had I imagined him all along? I could still feel the ghost of his touch lingering on my skin, as if he were there beside me, wiping away my tears, even though I knew deep down that he wasn't.
A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I reached out to touch his face, only to be met with emptiness. He was there, yet not quite there, a ghostly presence from someone who had never existed.
Unable to contain the flood of emotions that threatened to overwhelm me, I collapsed into tears. "How could you do this to me, Zyran?" I whispered, my voice breaking with pain, but there was no answer, only silence.
With a heavy heart, I turned away, each step feeling like a painful reminder of the distance that had grown between us. As I made my way to the beach, tears streaming down my face, I couldn't bear to accept the harsh reality that laid before me.
I collided with a solid figure, and as I looked up, I found Levi standing before me. He enveloped me in a comforting embrace, but in that moment, I felt paralyzed, unable to move, my gaze locked with Zyran's as his eyes bored into mine, never wavering, never leaving me.
I felt lost in a whirlwind of confusion. Normally, I could tell what was real and what wasn't, but with Zyran, everything felt uncertain.
Part of me desperately wanted him to be real, to believe in the love we shared. But as reality sunk in and I couldn't feel him anymore, I had to face the painful truth: Zyran was just a hallucination, a dream that I had to let go of.
~ 2 weeks later ~
I had no desire to be here.
Life, in general, and this doctor's office specifically.
It was a sterile environment, with white walls devoid of any personality, save for a few toothpaste advertisements that seemed out of place.
The air was thick with tension as I waited for my mom and Dr. Harpaz to enter.
"Good afternoon, Raya," Dr. Harpaz greeted me with a sympathetic smile, one I couldn't bring myself to return.
"After reviewing your test results, it appears you may be dealing with paranoid schizophrenia," he explained, his words hanging heavily in the air.
I wasn't shocked. It seemed like just another burden to add to my already heavy load.
"Your condition may require medication and therapy. Have you had any experience with therapy in the past?" he inquired, his smile almost mocking my situation. I responded with a curt nod, my boredom palpable, and my desire for interaction nonexistent.
"Good then, it seems you might need that in the future." He smiled again and if it were only him and I in that room, I would've punched that stupid smile off of his face.
******
"Maybe you should eat," Mom suggested as she closed the front door gently. "Not hungry," I muttered, heading up the stairs and locking my door.
Alone, I let it all out, crying and screaming into my pillow.
Life felt so unfair. Why did I have to deal with all this at seventeen?
It was like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.
"I'm sorry," a familiar voice said softly. I looked up to see Zyran on my balcony.
Sitting up, I wiped my tears. Even though I knew he wasn't real, seeing him brought some comfort.
"Why can't you be real?" I asked, my voice shaky.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, avoiding my gaze.
I had never loved anyone like I loved Zyran. Accepting that his love wasn't real and that I might never find someone like him hurt so much. Terrified, I snatched my phone and opened the camera app.
My hands trembled as I aimed the camera at him, but my heart sank when I saw nothing there. When I glanced up, he was gone.
I burst into tears once more, unable to stop until my body had nothing left to give.
I never wanted to see Zyran again.
******
Entering the institution with my mom, we were directed to the waiting room. Since I wasn't improving, my mom suggested seeing Miranda. I resisted, reluctant to leave my room, but she forced me.
Sitting there in black sweatpants and a grey hoodie, I heard my name. Looking up, I met Miranda's brown eyes. My mom softly smiled, encouraging me to get up. I walked past Miranda and entered her office, a familiar space that hadn't changed.
Drawings I had made still adorned the green walls, and the blue poof occupied its usual spot in the middle. It felt unchanged. Miranda closed the door, and our eyes locked.
It had been ages since I last saw her. There was a time when I absolutely hated coming here because it made me feel even more like a misfit and a freak.
She gestured to a chair, and I reluctantly sat down. With my black hood on, I buried my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants and stared down at the floor.
"You don't seem too happy to see me," she laughed it off, but I sensed a tinge of hurt in her tone.
She used to be my closest friend, but that was before I turned thirteen; everything went downhill after that.
"It's not you. The reason why I'm here is what depresses me the most," I muttered.
"I understand. I was just teasing you," she smiled softly, almost making me regret not hugging her the moment I walked in.
"You never liked it when I beat around the bush, so let's just get straight into it, if that's okay with you," she asked, and I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Does the name Zyran recall any memory of yours?" she inquired.
"Not that I know of," I mumbled.
"Your mother told me otherwise. Try to think about your preteens," she prodded.
"I don't know," I answered, growing frustrated.
"Does the name Noah ring a bell?"
It sounded familiar, yet I couldn't place where I'd heard it before.
"I can't remember where I know it from."
"Would you like to see a picture of him?" she asked softly, and I nodded. She opened her drawer and revealed his picture to me.
I released a shaky breath as tears formed in my eyes and memories flooded back. "I—he was Julian's friend, and..." I could barely form a sentence at the sight of him.
There were so many thoughts swirling in my head, and all I wanted was to hide somewhere and cry.
"Look, I'm gonna go straight to the point, okay? It is normal for schizophrenics to experience memory deficits, including forgetting parts of their childhood, in your case," she explained.
"I believe you pushed the memory of Noah's death away, you forgot it. It was so hard for you that you kept track of your life with a diary, like I told you to do, in the past. Your mother found it and in that particular book, you mentioned Zyran," she continued.
"You referred to Noah as Zyran because you explained how scared you were that Julian would find out about your love for Noah," she elaborated further.
"So you're telling me that...Zyran and Noah are the same person?" I looked up at her, my sight blurry from tears. My heart ached, and I could barely breathe.
"Yes. Noah was nineteen when he died, right? I believe Zyran was the same age?"
I felt frozen, unable to move or think.
"I've heard that your episodes become more frequent around the period of September to October. Noah died in September, and that left a deep gap in your heart, it traumatized you. That's why everything gets worse in that period."
"B-but I could feel him. I even had sex with him. He has to be real." I bellowed, growing angry and confused by the second.
"It's possible for people with paranoid schizophrenia, to have sexual experiences with their hallucinations because they can involve sensory experiences such as touch, smell, and sound, among others. This is known as a tactile hallucination. However, they're absolutely not real, I'm sorry Raya."
I needed air.
I jumped out of my chair and dashed to the door, running out of the building.
I ran until I reached the dunes of Santa Monica. I probably looked like a madwoman, but I let it all out. I had never felt so vulnerable and exposed in my entire life.
Everything ached, and I couldn't escape the pain anymore, so I collapsed on the sand, holding my knees to my chest as I cried.
It was unbelievable that my feelings for someone from the past could devastate me so profoundly in the present. Noah had never truly left my thoughts, and now, in the guise of Zyran, he returned to pierce my heart and shatter me completely.
None of it was real.
A/N
This was all pretty confusing so lemme explain.
Basically, Noah died in September. That's why her episodes are very frequent around that period. She developed some kind of trauma because of how tragical Noah's death was.
Schizophrenia causes some people to forget a part of their existence and that's what happened with her.
She had no memory of Noah.
She met Zyran in September. Raya would always say how familiar he was to her but she didn't know why.
When she was younger, she had a diary where she would write about someone named Zyran, she referred to Noah when she used that name.
Zyran and Noah are the same person and that's why Raya fell in love with him so quickly. He was a hallucination from her past.
I hope this cleared up any confusion if there was any to begin with.
Anyways, this is the end so let's get to the epilogue...
(14/02/2024)