It wasn't until late that we realized that we had nothing to eat for the little cat that came into our lives today. I left Lexi at the apartment while I went to find an open store nearby that sells cat food.
It took me a while, especially the selection because I had no idea how old the kitten was. I took food for the smallest cats just to be sure, it can't hurt, right?
I went back to the apartment and found Lexi sitting on the floor with a wet kitten sitting on a towel.
"You didn't waste any time, did you?" I laughed and closed the door behind me.
"Felix needed a bath."
"Felix?" I raised an eyebrow. She already named him?
"Just trying out some names." She lifted her shoulder. "I thought of Winston, but I know that name from a book and it was the name of a...doesn't matter." She blushed. "Buddy?"
"A name for a dog." I walked over to the counter and placed a plastic bag on it.
"Garfield?"
"Just because he's ginger doesn't mean he's Garfield."
She lifted the cat into the air. "Simba."
I laughed and shook my head. "Definitely not."
"Tigger?"
"God save your future children." I walked up to her and kissed the top of her head. "Save the name for tomorrow. It's late, let's feed him and lock him in the bathroom."
"Wait what?" She stood up. "Lock him in the bathroom?"
"Lexi, sunshine." I laughed. "He survived in the wild. I'm sure he'll survive a night in the bathroom."
"But he will be alone there." She looked at me sadly.
"No." I shook my head. "I said he'll sleep there, so he'll sleep there." I crossed my arms over my chest. "I won't change my mind."
Lexi raised the cat to her head, their eyes at a similar height and both looking at me.
"No." I said more quietly. "I stand by my word."
Only one word came out of her mouth and the result was that the cat was sleeping on the pillow next to the bed.
That night I realized that if she said 'please' after any sentence, I would make it happen no matter what.
"He didn't poop in your shoes, that's good," I said with a mouth half full of breakfast while Hercules was rubbing himself around my legs. Nope, that's a stupid name.
"Yet." Finn muttered under his breath as he sat next to me with his plate as well.
"You do realize it was your idea to take him home, right?" I raised one eyebrow.
"If I had known you would pay more attention to him than to me, I would have left him in the forest."
"Finn!" I hit him in the shoulder, which he just laughed at. "Don't joke about things like that."
"Sorry, sorry." He shook his head with a laugh.
"And I don't pay more attention to him than I do to you."
"Are you sure about that?" He raised an eyebrow. "The first thing you did in the morning was go check on him. You even gave him your first kiss."
"My god, we really need to do something about your jealousy." I rolled my eyes. "It's not healthy."
"I'm just pointing out that you didn't want to keep him."
"Because I'm living with you! I left my father, so I basically have nowhere to live until I find something. I didn't want to keep him just because it's supposed to be your decision."
"Wait, wait, let's go back a bit. What do you mean you want to look for something else?" He frowned.
"Finn, I can't live with you forever." Maybe that wasn't the right choice of words.
"Why not? I thought we were in a relationship. People who are in relationships do that."
"Yeah, but they're in a relationship for months or years before they move in together." We skipped a few steps there.
"I thought this was supposed to be an argument," he pointed at the air quotes, "not an actual argument. When were you going to tell me you wanted to look for a new place to live?"
"First of all, we are not arguing," I stood up with an empty plate and went to take it to the sink, "secondly, I haven't started yet or I would have told you."
"I don't see why you can't stay here, there's plenty of room." He pointed past us to his apartment.
"Just leave it, Finn." I turned my back to him and leaned my hands on the kitchen counter. The kitten started walking around my legs, obviously in a playful mood. Not now, little one.
"No, Lexi, you can't say something like that and then tell me to let it go. I thought we were open with each other."
"What do you want me to say?" I turned to him.
"The truth would be nice."
"The truth?" I snorted. "I don't even know what the truth is. I'm confused and lost. I lost my father and..."
"Yes me too."
Oh my god, Lexi what are you doing? "Finn, I didn't mean to..."
"I know you're used to doing things alone, but that's not how a relationship works. You talk when you have problems and I listen."
"It's not that easy." I almost whispered and ran my hands through my hair.
"What's so hard about it? What are you so afraid of?"
"I don't know!" I exploded. "I just don't know what's going on." I threw my hand up in the air. "I need time."
My words were like tiny daggers. I stuck a few in my own heart and the rest in his.
"Okay." After a moment of silence, he said. "Whatever you want." He got up from his chair and started walking towards the door.
Everything inside me was screaming to stop him, but I didn't. He slammed the door behind him and left me standing in an almost empty apartment.
I dropped to the floor next to the counter and hid my face in my hands. The kitten crawled into my lap, looking confused.
"I messed up. I opened my mouth and messed up." I felt a heavy feeling in my chest. "He does everything right and I do everything wrong. But I don't know what to do." I patted his head. "I don't want to lose him. I can't lose another person." A single tear slid down my cheek. "I just can't handle it."
And I think that will be the reason why this relationship will fall apart one day.
*****
Early in the morning, just as the sun was rising, I woke up in bed. It was strange mainly because I went to sleep on the couch. But now Finn was lying the one lying there. I don't even know when he got back.
He was gone all day. I don't know where he went yesterday and I stopped myself when I wanted to text him. But in the back of my mind, I wished that he would text or call me. That didn't happen tho.
I wasn't sure we were ready for another conversation, so I changed, fed George, no, still not his name, and quietly slipped out of the apartment.
The whole way to work I thought about what would happen next and I came to the fact that I didn't have the slightest idea.
"Look who finally decided to show up. Good morning, stranger, where the hell have you been?" Monica greeted me with one hand on her hip and the other leaning on the counter.
"Nice to see you too." I gave a small smile.
"Oh, no, no, no, it won't be that easy." She stopped me as I was about to slip past her. "What's going on? Are you okay? Do I need to beat someone up?" She asked seriously, raising one eyebrow.
"I guess I'm just tired. It'll pass."
"You're a terrible liar, but I'll leave it at that since you obviously don't want to talk about it. But I'll ask again, do I need to beat someone up?"
"No." I shook my head with a small laugh. "Maybe me?"
"No, whatever happened, it's not your fault."
"You don't even know what..."
"I stand by what I said. It's not your fault." She grabbed my shoulder and squeezed gently. "Say it. It's not my fault."
"Really?"
"Deadly." She smiled.
"It's not my fault." I felt as if someone was squeezing my heart in their hands. Maybe because those words are not true.
"It probably doesn't get any better, does it?" I shook my head. "Go change." She nodded her head behind her.
"I'll be right back." I slipped past her and went to change.
When I returned to the bistro's main part, Monica was already serving the first customers. It was an elderly couple who came here often. I wondered how it was possible that their relationship lasted so long. Maybe they are destined for each other?
And if so, then what about me and Finn?
You're at work. Pull yourself together, Lexi.
I shook my head trying to banish all those thoughts and threw myself into work. At least it helped me for a while.
*****
"What can I bring you?" I put on my best fake smile and picked up a pen and notebook to write down the order of the three guys in front of me. I didn't have time to look at them, I just wanted them to dictate the order so I could go on with my night.
"Lexi." I looked up at them when one of them said my name. I didn't think anything of it, since Lexi is written on my name tag. However, I quickly found out that he would know my name even without it.
"Matt." His name slipped from my lips.
I haven't seen the guy sitting in front of me in years. The last time was a few weeks after we graduated high school. He has changed since then.
He always had a shaved head, usually dyed in some way, and to see him in anything other than his football jacket was a miracle. But now? His curly hair is slightly longer and has its natural color. His style has also changed for the better. He is wearing a light brown unbuttoned shirt and loose white pants. Older age suits him.
"Wow." He looked at me in surprise. "I haven't seen you since..."
"High school." I finished his sentence for him.
"Yeah." He nodded with a smile. "How are you? How's life going?"
"Um, it's fine, you?"
"Yes, I had..."
"I'm sure this reunion after years is wonderful for both of you," one of his friends chimed in, "but we're both hungry Matt, so exchange numbers or something. Now, on to our order."
"Oh, sorry, of course." I gripped the pen in my hand more firmly.
He was the first to say his order, followed by the guy who didn't speak a word except his order, and finally Matt.
"I'll be back with your orders." I stepped away from their table and the last thing I heard Matt say was, "Why did you do that, you idiot? Stop thinking with your stomach for at least five seconds."
Matt and I were close. And by that, I mean close.
But after high school, our paths parted. He left for college while I stayed in Portland. We haven't been in touch since he left, and to be honest, I completely forgot he existed.
After a few minutes, I returned to their table with orders. They jumped into it before I even said to enjoy their food and left.
The bistro was almost empty, maybe because it was already late. I wasn't supposed to work all day today, but I didn't rush back to Finn's apartment. I kept repeating to myself that I was the one who said needed time.
I was standing behind the counter when Matt's two friends got up and left. He remained seated for a moment, but then he also got up and started walking towards me.
"You can keep the change." He put the money on the counter.
"Thanks." I smiled.
"So still in Portland huh? How are parents?"
"Oh, uhm..." Really bad timing. "All right." I went to the cash register and deposited the money there. "What about you? How was college?"
"Harder than I expected." He laughed nervously. "I've been missing high school the whole time. Mostly people."
"Are you still studying or..." I turned back to him.
"No, I quit after two years. I started traveling." He sat down on one of the high chairs by the counter.
"So why are you back?"
"I missed home. And Madison." His sister, whom I haven't seen in years as well. "I'm staying for a few more days before I leave again. Would you like to maybe...go out for coffee or something?"
Oh. Well, this is a bit embarrassing.
"I, uhm, have a boyfriend." Jealous one, I wanted to add. I don't know what's been going on with him lately.
"Of course you do." He lowered his head with a small laugh. "It should've occurred to me that a woman like you would not be single. You happy?" He looked up at me.
"Yes." But that doesn't mean I'm not confused. And even now, I would prefer to be in his arms.
"I can't hate him then." He gave me a narrow smile. "It was nice to see you, Lexi." He patted the wooden counter a few times before standing up. "Take care." And with one last smile, he turned and left the bistro.
And the one thing that was on my mind the whole time? I want to go home to Finn.
*****
When I got back to the apartment, I found Finn in bed, Leo, no, no chance, lying next to his head on the pillow.
After I showered, I slowly laid down in bed behind him, carefully wrapped my arm around his stomach, and buried my face in his back.
After I had time to think, I realized that I didn't need time, but him. Only him.
And I hoped he would forgive me for taking so long to figure it out.