Ashley's POV
That night was a hard one, and I mean really hard.
I was so exhausted but so stressed at the same time, I couldn't sleep but staying awake was awful too.
I was stuck in a constant state of torture if you asked me.
I still hated the damn bed, maybe it was just petty nature but it just felt wrong, deep under my skin and in my soul it just felt dirty and shameful to sleep in that bed.
Meg could complain all she wanted about me sleeping on the seats in front of the window but I was too stubborn to change my decision.
I guess it also reminded me a little of home.
Fuck I missed home so much, I missed Andrews stupid jokes, I missed Rose's loud personality, I missed Robins rants about his technology or plans, I missed the silly bickering, I missed the cramped safe house.
I missed everything.
This place wasn't my home, it didn't feel like it in any way, and it never could, I didn't want it too.
I felt like a stranger and a nobody here, I felt like some random fool who could be forgotten if it wasn't for Damien.
I hated that so much.
I worked hard for my title, my reputation!
And it was overshadowed by some moron who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
I stared out my window in silence, I didn't move, I just stared, I didn't have the motivation to get up or do anything Just yet.
It's not like I could do much anyway right now, It was the middle of the night and I just emotionally didn't have the energy to get up. I was so tired from constantly being on edge, I couldn't let my guard down.
Literally the one time I even slightly relaxed I got my shoulder clawed into by some random bitch.
I felt my eyes tearing up with painfully warm tears, I missed my brother and friends, I missed the security of my rebellion bases.
This was going to be so much more draining than I anticipated, but I couldn't really get around the stress.
I felt so horribly weak, everything was out of my control and I couldn't even do anything about it. I hated this feeling, I've never felt this weak and sad this often, it was draining.
I didn't care for these luxury beds, or luxury rooms and the chef made food, I didn't care about living in a huge home.
I wanted my stupid small twin sized bed back, my worn hand made blankets, the food we cooked for each other. I just wanted to have my life back, going back to being unknown, only having close friends and family know me.
I didn't even want a stupid relationship but this mate bond thing kept making me feel things I didn't want.
Why did I have to get paired with a damn wolf, I'd rather just be single forever with cats.
At least cats don't treat humans like chew toys.
I sighed a little as I sat up, I had changed into some comfy blue PJ's that were provided, using the same crochet blanket on the seat as I had done for multiple nights now.
I glanced around the room, I had a lamp on so I could see, having the lights off made me feel uncomfortable.
My gaze landed on the corner of the room where I had chucked Damien's hoodie, it kept showing up in my thoughts, I kept thinking about it, the way it smelled and felt. I don't know why I felt so drawn to it, it was a piece of fabric for goodness sake, I shouldn't feel like this.
"Maybe I should read that damn pamphlet...can't sleep anyway"
I got up from my sitting position and walked over to the desk. I had left it there since I didn't really care about it that much.
With a defeated sigh I picked it up and read the front.
"A human mates guide to a wolf mate relationship"
I flipped open the page to see what was written on there. It was pretty simple to follow at least.
"Human mates are uncommon in wolf society but not unheard of, oftentimes the human counterpart may not feel this connection as strong as the wolf partner.
-When a human mate is discovered they are brought back to the pack as soon as possible to spend as much time as possible with their mate, as the instincts to claim their mate are incredibly strong, being separated can cause distress and issues with both partners.
This can include
•sleeping issues
•increased irritability
•feeling of paranoia and aggression
•sexual frustration
•increased feeling of possessiveness
•depressive episodes
•panicked episodes
•loss of appetite
•nausea/vomiting
•low motivation or energy.
-These symptoms can vastly decrease when new mates spend intimate time together after meeting, but they don't fully disappear when the bond is still new and underdeveloped.
-These symptoms appear in both partners and often stronger in wolf mates, especially if they are an Alpha.
-Physical contact, bonding, intimacy, scent marking and reassurance can really help calm these symptoms for the new pair, though it's normal to take things slow unlike purely wolf mates."
Ok well that explains a few things, but after that…night, with Damien I doubted my current emotional state had much to do with this mate bond.
So I didn't really plan on attempting any contact, what I needed was my friends and family, not some stupid 'bonding time' with this stupid Alpha. It made me shiver thinking about it, but a part of me somewhat liked the idea.
I shook my head frantically to get the thought out of my head, I must be going crazy if that's what I'm starting to think.
I skipped a few pages, it basically just explained how pack life worked, how to meet new wolves and all that junk.
Haven't I read this before?
I skipped the page until I came about mate behaviour for Alpha's, that would at least provide the information I need for dealing with this stupid Alpha. Why was he being so weird at the moment, maybe I could find some kind of weakness I could exploit.
I skipped over some more things, but the part about scent marking and comforting mates caught my attention.
I glanced at Damien's jumper again then at the pamphlet
"Mates will scent mark each other, this could start with simply sharing clothing or blankets that smell of each other, this could also be done to comfort a distressed mate.
The smell of their mate can help calm down a partner who is potentially stressed or scared.
This is also a way to help new mates if they are separated for long periods of time, having something of their mates can provide comfort and safety to a new pair."
"Wait so that's why he gave it to me!? Mother fucker was scent marking me!" I angrily whispered to myself.
But it also made my stomach do flips and made my cheeks blush.
Curse this godforsaken feeling!
I threw the pamphlet down and stormed over to where I threw the hoodie, determined to prove it didn't have an effect on me like it claimed.
I picked up the black hoodie and held it up to my face, taking a deep breath of the fabric to get a good smell.
Ok maybe there was a noticeable effect.
I felt fuzzy all of a sudden, my muscles relaxed and suddenly I wasn't feeling so angry, I felt...calm, at ease and relaxed. It smelled really good honestly, it was pretty strong too, I felt like I had just inhaled pure euphoria for a moment.
I was suddenly very tired and sleepy, like all my anxiety from earlier had just melted off into thin off.
I stood there for a moment with a fuzzy clear mind, I felt so calm and relaxed, it was a wonderful feeling, like I had nothing to worry about as long as I had this smell.
"Ashley..."
"AH!" I screamed for a moment when I heard Damien's voice in my head.
I threw the hoodie to the floor startled by the sudden voice, I normally couldn't hear him because I kept my mind so defended.
Did I let my guard down too much?
It wasn't intentional, how did he even know!? Was he waiting for it?
It sent a shiver down my spine and a blush across my face, so conflicted with emotions it felt like two different people smashing the controls to my feelings.
I waited in silence for a few moments that felt like an eternity.
Shifting my hair from my face, pushing it back behind my shoulders to give myself room to breathe.
I focused on getting my heart to slow down and sat back down in the chair I had been sleeping in, running my fingers through my hair for a moment, this was not what I needed this late at night.
"I swear I'm going to go insane while being here..." I mumbled to myself, pressing my palms into my eyes.
My shoulder still ached with pain from my wound, my back hurt from the odd position I had been sleeping in, I felt exposed constantly.
Honestly now I was too afraid to sleep, what if Damien was waiting to get into my head again.
My exhaustion was going to get the better of me sooner or later.
A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I pulled the thick blanket back onto myself, wrapping up tightly in it. I still refused to use the bed, call me a stubborn spiteful bitch but I wasn't touching it, felt like some kind of defeat if I did.
I couldn't deny the new tired feeling I was experiencing now, I had been needing to sleep tonight, so I guess it wasn't that bad.
I let my heavy eye lids slowly fall asleep I snuggled into the blanket, the smell of the soothing softener they used tickling my nose, it reminded me of lavender with a little bit of vanilla.
Basic but effective for being a calming smell for a person like me, stressed out and tired.
I finally felt sleep finally overtaking me and I couldn't be more grateful honestly, I didn't want to deal with my thoughts anymore and honestly I just needed the peace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found myself in a summery forest field, warm grass and sunshine, cool breeze, the feeling of the soft grass, the smell of those familiar summer wild flowers.
I was laying on my back staring up at the sky, there was an overall fuzzy feeling.
It felt like home, when I was a kid back in my birth village, it felt nice honestly, it was comforting to feel this again, I had this dream so often to the point it felt like a scheduled thing.
The feeling of the grass hugging my body felt like a hug, I took a deep breath and sighed in contentment.
I felt something brush across my head, smoothing my hair out, it was a gentle and tender touch, I honestly didn't really mind.
I just enjoyed the warmth and the comforting touches, letting the minutes go by peacefully.
"Finally tired yourself out enough to let me back in I see...you don't have to fight me here" that voice again, I'm ashamed to admit for a few seconds i didn't mind it, just humming in response.
That's when I remembered who exactly that voice belonged to.
My eyes shot open, I looked to the side and there sat next to me was Damien, sat casually beside me, one leg outstretched the other bent, using one arm to prop himself up and the other stroking my hair.
He was watching me, a faint smile on his lips and a soft gaze from his eyes, we made eye contact and I laid there frozen for a second.
"It's not so bad when you let yourself enjoy the bond, I can see you're enjoying it now" he said with a smile, almost like he was proud.
I shot up and stumbled away from him falling back into my elbows watching him "oh for fuck sake you're in my head again!" I snapped at him, a little flustered as I glared at him.
He sighed a little and stayed sat as he watched me.
"Yes, I am, it's normal for mates...your mind calls to me even if you don't mean to, and it's the more peaceful option for us to talk"
I glared at him more and got to my feet "we'll get out! I don't want you in my head, I don't want to talk, I've made that very clear already" I yelled balling my fists up angrily.
I was done running from him in my own mind, this was my place! And he wasn't welcome!
"Ashley, you can't keep this up forever, we are stuck with this bond now and unlike what you think...or what you've done, I want to make it work" he said getting up.
He still towered over me, freaking giant.
"The moon goddess works in strange ways...she's paired us for a reason, and I trust her judgement" he started walking towards me.
I decided to stand my grand, this was my mind, my dream, surely I had control of this place.
"Well I don't care what your spooky goddess thinks, she's got no power over me, I'm not falling for this bullshit, I'm not your mate!" I yelled watching him.
My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest again, why was I so scared? This was my dream.
He got closer and closer till he was standing barely apart from me, staring back at me with soft eyes, just examining the look on my face.
"Ashley...
He seemed tired, but more in the sense he was frustrated.
"No! Don't you dare use my name! It's ghost to you, ghost! I'm not your mate get that through your skull!" I snapped at him, pointing my finger in his face.
"I will never, ever! Turn against my friends and family, my people! For you and your mutts, I don't care what claim you think you have over me, you don't own me!"
"Ashley"
"You can pretend your pack is all sunshine and rainbows but I know it's bullshit! You can't trick me! I won't be softened by your tricks!"
"Ashley"
"It's ghost! You don't get to use my name! I am going to get away from you one way or another, you won't win this war! I've worked too hard to let it all be for nothing just because you think we have some kind of connection, I AM NOT YOUR MATE!"
"ASHLEY!"
Within a split second Damien had his arms around me picking me up so I was eye level with him, I screamed startled by him, pushing as hard as i could again but found myself pinned between him and a tree.
My anger quickly turned to fear as I shut my eyes tightly expecting some kind of attack, maybe he had more control of my dreams than I thought.
But when nothing happened I slowly opened my eyes again, Damien's face was so close to mine I could feel his breath on my face.
He was staring at me intensely, his eyes a mix of gold and green again.
They were beautiful truths be told, he didn't do anything, he wasn't holding me anyway inappropriate, his hands holding the under parts of my thighs to keep me from falling, but they didn't stray too high or far.
I felt like my voice had just evaporated, all I could do was stare back at him with my own bright blue eyes.
He watched me for a few more seconds in silence before sighing slightly, leaning closer to me, towards my neck.
It scared me, he was either going to rip my throat out or mark me and trap me here.
"S-stop!" I yelled at him pulling my arms up to push his shoulders away.
He paused and glanced back up at me again.
"I'm not going to hurt you Ashley...I'm not going to touch you intimately without your consent unlike what you might think... you're scared, you don't like me and you don't like my pack. I'm not a fool as to not be able to see that...you have your reasons" he spoke calmly and pulled his face back giving me some space.
I calmed down a little and watched him, but I still felt like my throat was clogged up.
"I want to make you feel at home here, I want to understand you...you've suffered, I can feel it, but you won't let me in...I can't help you if you don't give me a chance"
He slowly put me down moving to have his arms loosely around me, it sent warm shivers across my body.
"There's still so much you don't know, and what I can't tell you for your own good...I want you to open your mind to me but I won't force you to..." He spoke in a tender voice again, stroking my cheek.
"You've had a long week, you can't keep this up you'll exhaust yourself to the point of getting sick...just try and relax, no one is trying to manipulate you here...just try to adjust"
He stepped away from me leaving me feeling flustered and light headed in a warm fuzzy way.
"Please...just get some sleep, proper sleep, I'll talk to you again in due time, goodnight Ashley"
And with that my dream faded away.
Faded into a warm beach side memory of mine, standing in the shallow water watching my sister surfing and my brother learning from our mother.
I could smell the food my dad used to barbecue for us, the smell of the salty air, the warm breeze on my face, the sounds of the waves so comforting.
It felt like home again.
It could have been my reality, that's all I wanted.
I felt so peaceful.
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Hey everyone!
Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I had fun writing it!
Hope you all have a great night/day! Hoping I'll have the next chapter out soon too!
Let me know what you all think!
Byeeeeeeee!💖