You settled in my heart,
How would you leave my mind!
Following Reyhan's advice, Fajr made her way into the hospital in the early morning. She asked a nurse for an assistant to the gynaecologist's office. The nurse was kind enough to direct her since the hospital was a big one. She got into the elevator, pressing the third floor as it took her up.
When she got to her designated floor, she met another nurse who asked her to wait in the sitting area while she confirmed her appointment.
"Dr. Margaret is ready to see you." The nurse directed Fajr into a cozy office. In front of her stood a middle-aged woman with short-cropped blond hair in a white doctor's coat and a reading glass at the top of her nose.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Margaret." She pulled her hand forward for a handshake, and Fajr gladly accepted it. Dr. Margaret waved Fajr to a seat before taking hers opposite from Fajr.
"So, what seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked, and Fajr's gaze shifted from her own linked hands to Margaret's face.
"I have been feeling quite nauseated recently. I have been constantly vomiting every morning and my body feels weak. So I want to take a pregnancy test and get confirmation from a doctor."
"What you stated are obvious signs of pregnancy, but to be sure, let's run a urinary test to see if that isn't the issue."
She gave Fajr a cup, directing her to the bathroom. After finishing, Fajr headed back to the doctor's office and was told to wait in the lobby till getting the test results. Less than half-an-hour later, the nurse came and asked Fajr to follow her again into Dr. Margaret's office.
The door opened and Dr. Margaret stepped in with a file in her hands. She walked in the opposite direction from Fajr, taking a seat. She placed the file on the table, adjusting her glasses before picking up the file from the table. She glanced through it, then put it back down for the second time.
"Congratulations! From the result it shows that you are five weeks pregnant."
Fajr gasped, it meant she was close to two months pregnant.
"Thank you, doctor." She said this breathlessly.
"Would you like to go for an ultrasound to see how the baby is doing or you perhaps prefer to do it with your husband beside you."
Fajr swallowed hard; "No, not right now. Thank you, doctor."
"It's my job." Margaret smiled. "I have given the nurse the required vitamin you need, so take it from her on the way out."
Fajr stood up, shaking each other's hands one last time before she left the doctor's office. She walked to where the nurse was, took the pills, and left the hospital.
She sat on a bench outside the hospital and closed her eyes. She couldn't image a life blooming inside her. She placed her hand on her abdomen and recalled what Khalid had said once, expressing his sincere desire;
"I want to start a family with you, Fajr... I want to have a child..."
Other memories flooded back, vivid and glaring.
Khalid stood at a little distance, watching her. She was playing peekaboo game with his four-month old nephew, who was squealing delightedly. She hid her face with her both hands, and showed it after moments cheering; "Peekaboo! I see you."
Khalid's mouth automatically formed a smile. He stepped forward and settled himself on the sofa next to her.
Fajr threw a glance at him and held the baby close in her lap; "see how cute it is." Her gaze shifted from Khalid to the baby.
"handsome like his uncle." Khalid whispered, rubbing the baby's nose with one finger. The baby, its doughy face molding into a smile, cooed back at him.
Fajr rolled her eyes; "I am amazed at the high level of self-confidence you have."
"You both are going to be lovely parents." Ruqaya's voice sounded from behind them and a flame of scarlet crept across Fajr's cheek while Khalid's face lit up with pleasure; "no doubt!"
His comment made Fajr feel uneasy, she glanced at him, then immediately looked away. However, she managed to put on a smile at Ruqaya who walked forward to take the baby from her. Ruqaya sat on the other sofa facing them, playing with her baby's cheeks she said; "Look how it has enjoyed your company"
"Well, we will keep him in mind when we have our first daughter." Fajr's discomfort grew rapidly, she nudged Khalid with her elbow to stop the words in his mouth. A faint tremor of amusement was on Khalid's lips.
Ruqaya thought that Khalid was dropping a hint to her, so she exclaimed with excitement; "oh Fajr! Are you?"
Fajr got confused for a moment, and as soon as she comprehended what Ruqaya was referring to. She shook her head repeatedly; "no. no I'm not."
Ruqaya winked at her; "come on! You don't need to hide it." Khalid held back a smile, his eyes suggested a laugh on the inside. Fajr gave him a heavy stare, he quickly looked away, but not before she caught the edge of his little smile. She knew he had given Ruqaya the false impression intentionally. Fajr stood up saying; "I'm not hiding anything." She approached Ruqaya offering to take the baby to bed, but Ruqaya rose to her feet and smiled; "no. you stay here. I'll do that."
As she'd gone, Fajr took her previous seat and glared at Khalid; Khalid, what's in your head?
With a questioned look he said: "A brain I guess?"
She retorted with some grumbling; "Funny! what are you trying to do?"
So relaxed, he put one of his legs over the other and repeated her question as if innocent; "What am I trying to do?!"
She pointed at the way Ruqaya went through and clenched her teeth; "Ruqaya took the wrong idea! Thanks to you."
"You said it, SHE took the wrong idea, why are you blaming me"
"because it's you who gave her a false hint, Khalid."
He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "What's the false hint by the way?"
"now she would think that I am with a child and don't want to tell her ..."
He leant forward resting his chin on his grip; "so what?"
Fajr frowned; "You know it's not so..." Fajr stopped mid-sentenced, not willing to say more.
But Khalid was amused, "it's not so right now... maybe it'll be so by the end of the day."
A sob escaped her lips, tears finally spilling over in a flood of raw emotion. She wished that she could see his reaction when he would know.
***********
In Jeddah...
Being cooped up behind four walls caused botheration to him. He thought of going to his family house, but their constant questions about Fajr and when she would come back, frustrated him. Instead, he pulled into a nearby bookstore and after a few minutes he returned with a bag containing five books he had just bought. He settled in behind the wheel after putting the plastic bag thick with the five books on the front passenger seat. He looked at the bag contained the books which brought back a memory, that took place a few weeks after their marriage...
Fajr was scanning the titles of a series of books he had just brought. It was a series of books written by Richard Templar. She pulled the books, one by one, out of the bag, and placed them on the shelf. The Rules of Life, The Rules of Work and The Rules of Love. He was standing at distance but could notice that she had picked the last one, opened the book and examined the Table of Contents. She flipped through the pages. A moment later, she was so engrossed that she didn't hear his footsteps as he walked towards her, closing the distance between them until he was almost right behind her. She hadn't noticed his approach as he dared to sneak a peek over her shoulder to catch the words she was reading.
"You like to read this book?" He asked in a voice just above a whisper.
The warmth of his breath on her neck almost made her jump and the book fell on the floor with a thud. She put her hand on her chest, closed her eyes, and sighed; "You scared me!"
"I didn't mean to startle you."
They both bent over to pick the book up at the same time, their heads were about to collide. Her hand caught the book, at the same time Khalid reached for it. He turned the book over to see the title then smiled; "You can have it if you want!"
She shook her head in embarrassment; "No, I was just arranging the books on the shelf."
He handed the book to her; "But you were reading the rules of love!" His eyes poured into hers. She turned to face the shelf giving him her back. The way he emphasized the last word made her heart race, but she decided to play along with him; "Love has no rules!"
She put the book on the empty space. Khalid rested his hand on the shelf ; "You mean Richard Templar talks nonsense?"
She turned and looked at him; "I didn't say that. The thoughts in the book must reflect the practical experience the man had gained. But you can't practically make someone's heart beat for you. That's not under anyone's control."
He paused for a moment, reflecting on her words and murmured; "You are right!"
She thought she couldn't make him love her, on the other hand, he was thinking he couldn't make her love him.
The sound of his ringing cell phone brought him out of his thoughts. It was Ahmed.
"Hello man, how are you?"
"I'm good. what's up?"
"What's your plan for tonight?"
"Nothing really."
"The guys are going to have a night out in the Moon Valley. How about joining us?"
"Ok I'm on it. When shall I meet you?"
"Right now if you can."
"Ok but where did you decide to meet?"
"Come to my home. We'll move together."
"Alright!"
************
Omer and Ahmed were pitching a tent, Khalid was making a bonfire. Two other men were taking care of cooking a traditional dish that is called *Mandi.
*Mandi consists mainly of meat and rice with a special blend of spices. And it is usually cooked in a pit underground.
After having dinner, Ziyad put a quart pot on the fire, and made preparations for tea.
Khalid, lost in thought, stretched his hands towards the fire and focused on the flickering warmth and the pleasant crackling sounds of the blazing fire. He picked a dry straw from the ground, snapped it into tiny pieces cast them into the fire, one by one.
"this is the most delicious tea you would have taste." Ziyad said offering a cup of tea for Khalid.
Khalid smiled, "I doubt it."
Ziyad, who had good voice and song well, began singing an Arabic Shilah with the following meanings:
Allah knows, I never forgot you
not for a minute,
nor a second...
Even in my sleeps,
you visit my dreams
This is a fact,
not a song...
I live with a fire
burning in my heart
A day of your absence
in my calendar
is a year
O' dear
this abandon
I cannot bear
Come back, Please
Life without you
is choking
Life without you
is choking...
Khalid suddenly stood up; "excuse me guys, I have to go." He called out for the men sitting in the tent.
"We haven't started the Baloot yet?" Omer protested and Ahmed inquired with a slight frown.
"Where are you going at this hour alone."
"I have got a headache. I need to take rest."
"Let me come with you then." Ahmed insisted.
"No I won't spoil your night." He raised his hand up in farewell greeting; "see you guys."
He drove around and around for what seemed like forever. Then he stayed in the car. He took out a pack of cigarettes from the dashboard and pulled out a cigar with his lips and threw the packet on the other seat. It landed on the bag of books.
The words of the song kept echoing in his head.
"This abandon... I can't bear!"
His elbow was resting on the sill and a lit cigarette dangling between his fingers. He thought that spending the night in the desert, enjoying the warm bonfire, gazing at the dazzling stars in the sky, and experiencing peace away from the city, would help him forget or at least feel better, but in vain. He took a long drag and blew the smoke out of his mouth in a straight cloud. Nothing seemed to hold any significance for him. Fajr was the one who made the difference; she didn't leave his mind, his thoughts and his heart no matter what he did and where he was. After a while, he put the car in gear and drove back to home.
**********
Late in the afternoon when he woke up the following day, it occurred to him that he had missed his meal time. He had just finished pouring himself a glass of water from the kitchen sink when the doorbell rang several times. As he opened the door, a look of surprise spread across his face as he saw Ahmed standing in front of him.
"I got worried after you had left last night." Ahmed said.
Khalid let the door open and headed inside.
After closing the door, Ahmed followed him into the kitchen as Khalid already started making coffee for himself.
"Make them two." Ahmed said and sat at the table and Khalid nodded.
Ahmed looked at the ashtray that was on the table then at Khalid.
"It's 2pm. You were still sleeping?"
Without turning around, Khalid replied; "I woke for Friday prayer, went to the mosque then came back and overslept."
"Did you have your lunch?"
Khalid didn't reply till he put the cups on the table and sat down himself.
"No."
"Are you sick?"
"No, just a headache." He put his cup down and pressed his fingers to his temples. He noticed that Ahmed was watching him. His hair was tossed, his eyes bulging, his face was completely worn out. He must be looking like a mess.
"Why are you looking at me like this?"
"You are a total mess." Ahmed vocalized Khalid's own thoughts.
Khalid put a cigarette to his mouth and inhaled as he looked at Ahmed.
"And you returned to smoking?"
Khalid took another drag and let out a white trail of smoke; "just a little."
"Since when?"
He paused and inhaled his cigarette one more time. Then mashed the cigarette out in the ashtray. He turned towards Ahmed. "A few days ago."
"Khalid...what's going on? You are a brother more than a friend... I don't want to intervene in your personal life, but you know that you can trust me if you have a problem."
Khalid sighed then said in his offhand way, mocking his own status; "Perhaps the problem is that I don't know what the problem is."
Ahmed lay back in his chair, looking at Khalid in confusion.
Khalid continued; "out of nowhere, she came up with the idea of going back to London. In either way, I didn't object. I thought that she was worried and wanted to be assured of her father's health. I was ready to accompany them, but she insisted on going alone with her father. She thinks we need to be apart from each other...I don't know why..."
"Did you talk? I mean are you in contact with each other?"
"No."
"Why do not you give her a ring and talk ..."
Khalid cut him short; "I won't. She is the one who decided to leave. I won't follow her like an idiot." His brow was in his hand.
Ahmed asked him; "Then what's your problem?"
For a man who was quick on his feet, who always had a ready response, he couldn't find one. To be more specific it was hard for him to admit that he couldn't stop thinking of her, because he loved her. And it was no end of irritating to realize that he missed her so much.
"Let's just not talk about this. I feel my head is going to explode." He said to drop the subject.
"Ok we won't talk more about that, but let me give you a piece of advice. This matter should be settled, so that you both can be comfortable. You should talk. Nothing comes out of nowhere and she owes you an explanation. She must have her reasons. Go after her if you think that your relationship is worth it."
Khalid let out a sigh then smirked; "You know, Ahmed maybe the good thing you did with your life is not getting married."
Ahmed let out a laugh; "not anymore!"
Khalid gave him a questioning look, sensing there was something behind his friend's laugh.
"Go get changed. I'll take you to one of the best restaurants in Jeddah and tell you the story."
*****************
In London...
The rain pattered against the living room's window, a melancholic rhythm that mirrored the state of Fajr's heart. Fajr shifted on the long sofa, her slender fingers fidgeting on her lap.
"Here you go." Reyhan handed her the steaming mug of hot chocolate, before sitting down beside her. She lifted the mug closer to her nose and breathed in the scent, "Thank you, Reyhan."
"You are welcome." Reyhan took a sip of the hot drink, before setting her mug on the coffee table. "Now tell me what's going on?"
An uneasy feeling crept over Fajr and she suddenly sensed that she might need all her strength for this talk. She huddled deeper into her oversized scarf, her voice barely a whisper. "It's just...everything feels so heavy," she confided in Reyhan. "Like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I don't know how much longer I can hold on."
"My little girl, You're not alone" Reyhan said, her voice firm yet laced with tenderness. "We all carry burdens, some heavier than others. But what matters is that we don't have to carry them alone. We have each other."
Reyhan listened patiently. Her gaze, warm and unwavering, was a safe harbor in the churning sea of Fajr's doubts. "Tell me everything," She said softly, "Let it all out."
And Fajr let a long sigh. She poured out her heart, a torrent of words laced with frustration, disappointment, and a deep, gnawing fear. First, she spoke of her economical state for she couldn't keep relying on her father's savings, she had to start looking for a job. Then she spoke of her pregnancy and her feeling of helplessness, her relationship with Khalid that seemed to be slipping through her fingers like grains of sand.
Fajr, her brow furrowed, held the mug by both hands. "He hid that from me, Reyhan! I don't know what else he hides."
Reyhan, ever the patient listener, sipped her drink thoughtfully. "I understand your frustration, my little girl. But have you tried talking to him about it, explaining what happened? You were in a state of shock, you took your anger and sorrow out on him... And remember that you go through a physical and emotional rollercoaster of early pregnancy, the hormones and the physical discomforts perhaps were playing havoc with your emotions. It's likely you were too sensitive and harsh on him."
Fajr scoffed; "She brought his sunglasses to me. He met her in Riyadh and he didn't even mention it."
Reyhan leaned forward, her voice gentle. "Do not make jealousy blind your eyes. Maybe Reem was honest when she told you about your father's illness, but it doesn't mean she said the truth about everything. Sorry to say that but it's obvious that her purpose wasn't sincere."
Fajr considered that, her lips pursing in thought. "Maybe he really wants to mend their relationship and I had to step away from his life. He didn't even try to stop me from coming here... One month and he hasn't even tried for once to contact me as if going away was in to his advantage."
Reyhan saw the flicker of doubt in Fajr's eyes. "Hold on," she said, her voice firm yet kind. "You're jumping to conclusions. You don't know what he might have been feeling since you left. You should have given him a chance to explain." She reached across and squeezed Fajr's hand. "Sometimes, even the most loving partners need to talk to understand each other. Communication is key, honey."
A familiar melody chimed from Fajr's phone, that was nestled on the coffee table.
She reached for the phone, as she saw the reminder on the screen: "Dad's meds."
"Excuse me for a sec, it's time for dad's medicine." Fajr mumbled as she put her phone back on the table and rose up.
Focusing on the phone in front of her, an idea jumped into Reyhan's brain. She reached for Fajr's phone and scrolled through a seemingly endless list of contacts then typed Khalid's number into her contacts.
**********