"It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces."
The city lights of Jeddah glittered outside the expansive window, wondering about Khalid's state of utter exhaustion. The walls of his office now seemed to pulsate with the fluorescent glare of his computer screen, reflecting fatigue back at him.
His head throbbed, not just from the fluorescent assault, but from the pressure of thinking. With a groan, Khalid finally gave in to the exhaustion. He leaned back in his ergonomic chair, letting out a deep breath. His head, heavy as a sack of rice, sank onto the chair's cushioned back, and his eyes fluttered shut for a moment of reprieve.
The silence of the office, broken only by the hum of the air conditioner, was shattered by the gentle click of the door opening. Khalid's eyes snapped open. It was Salim, his ever-efficient assistant, standing by the doorway.
"Mr. Khalid," Salim said, his voice full of concern, "It's almost ten O'clock. Shouldn't you be home?" He crossed the room, his steps silent on the plush carpet. He stopped by Khalid's desk where an empty pizza box and a half-drunk bottle of Pepsi were abandoned on the desk's corner.
With a sigh, Khalid straightened in his chair, "You're right." He pointed to the Pizza box, "Thank you for the Pizza. I was starving."
"You needed fuel, and I need company." Salim said with a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. Khalid managed a tired smile. He shut down his computer. Then told Salim as he rose from his chair and started collecting his things.
"the project prepared by Nizal is a good one. I need to meet that employee. I like how he connects all the departments together by one network system."
"Not he, but she." Salim corrected and went on; "She is a new employee, but seems a smart one." Khalid nodded impressively.
Salim added a remark; "Women can come with the unexpected." He smiled and Khalid commented; "I totally agree."
With a practiced ease, Salim began sorting the reports, stacking them neatly into labeled folders. Khalid thanked Salim again before leaving.
Khalid pushed open the glass doors of the company building and stepped out into the cool night air. He tucked his hands into his pockets, wishing that Fajr's temper would be cooled down by now.
******
In the hospital..
Fajr was sitting on the same spot of the waiting area, her back to the wall and her eyes focused in the room ahead.
The missing pieces of their marriage started to link together, she'd just known how and why their marriage took place. Reem's words recounting acted as a thread, linking her present to the past.
Fajr recalled her father's talk at the beach;
"I really wish and hope that you both get married soon. Because I want to see you secured and not alone."
She recalled how Khalid was frowning when they signed the marriage contract, and what he had said to her in the day of their marriage;
"you have become under my guardianship and everyone will be relieved now."
More tears rolled down her face as she remembered his words: "those who care, worry a lot about you."
In great despair. She wrung her hands as tears fell from her eyes. Secretly, she called on Allah to cure her father. She was not aware of the whole world around her that she didn't notice when Khalid came and sat down next to her.
"Salam." He mumbled against the charged atmosphere.
"Wa Alikum Assalam." She replied, but didn't turn.
"I think we both need to rest, let's go home." Khalid immediately added; "I will bring you here tomorrow morning in sha Allah."
"I'm not going anywhere." Fajr's voice laced with ice.
Khalid closed his eyes, the weight of her anger and his own fatigue pressing down on him like a physical burden.
"I don't think staring at the room will help unless you can see through walls."
"You don't need to stay."
Khalid ranked his fingers through his hair and sighed; "la hawla wala qota illa ballah*"
(*Meaning: there is no power and no strength except with Allah. It is a person's admission that he is unable to do anything without the help and support of Allah).
He said as calmly as he could muster; " Fajr, I'm extremely tired. You don't expect me to let you sleep here in an aisle, on this seat. So please, can you do what I say without arguing?"
He stood up and waited.
Getting no response, he walked ahead. Shortly, he sensed that she was following him, so he slowed his pace and fell into step with her.
**********
In the car, silence settled, thick and suffocating. Khalid stole a glance at Fajr, her face turned towards the window, refusing to look his way. His heart twisting at the sight of her pain. He kept his eyes fixed on the road as he said; "Uncle Muhsen will be transferred out of intensive care tomorrow to a private room."
She gave a murmur of relief; "Alhamdulillah."
Pausing long enough after that, Khalid finally popped a question that kept roaming in his mind throughout the day; "You don't want to tell me what happened this morning?! who told you?"
"All what concerns you is who told me!" Fajr snapped, "For how long did you wish to keep me in the dark?"
He ran his tongue over his upper lip, "It is not like I wanted to keep you in the dark." he clarified.
"But you did exactly that!" She closed her eyes; "You don't need to pretend that you care when you just proved the opposite."
"You know that I do care, Fajr."
"You do? Define care." She smirked.
Khalid eased the car onto the shoulder of the road and turned to her. "Fajr, look at me." He reached his hand under her chin and turned her tearstained face toward him. Fajr pushed his hand away, "Don't," her voice choked with emotion. "Just... just drive."
"I understand you are hurt and I am sorry for not telling you about this... I was meaning to, but Uncle Muhsen insisted that you should hear it from him. I couldn't break my word."
She gently wiped her tears from beneath her eyes and in an ironical manner she said, "Sure, everything can be accepted except breaking your words."
Khalid's grip tightened on the steering wheel. He shook his head in disbelief, turned the key and the engine roared into life.
The miles ticked by in agonizing silence. Each passing car headlight seemed to illuminate the chasm that had grown between them.
*************
Since Muhsen was transferred to a private room, Fajr had spent her nights by his side. Thus, there was almost no interaction between Khalid and her. Except those minutes, when he came to the hospital after work to see how his uncle's health condition was progressing.
First night, he came while Muhsen was sleeping and Fajr was on her praying mat, tears streamed down her face as she raised her hands in supplication, asking Allah to loosen her father's pain.
Then he stood watching as Fajr settled back into her chair, taking a copy of the Holy Quran from her bag. She began to recite, her voice weaving a peaceful circle around her father's bed. Khalid remained at his spot by the entrance until she finished. He didn't know why he'd decided to leave before she was aware of his presence.
When he came tonight, he heard Fajr and Muhsen converse.
Fajr sadly reproached her father, "But you should have told me..."
"You know how valuable you are to my heart that I hate to see you in pain. I asked Khalid to give me some time then I'd tell you, but I never had the courage to tell you the bad news. He seemed more courageous than me."
"He didn't tell me anything." was Fajr's short and direct reply.
"Then how did you know?"
"It doesn't matter"
Khalid froze upon when she continued; "You have to get well soon. You know that I have no one other than you. Dad, you are my everything."
Deep down it bothered Khalid, why did she mention having no one else when he was always there for her, doing his best to please her.
He cleared his throat, the sound echoing in the sterile space.
"Assalma Alikum." he announced, his voice thick with a lump in his throat.
Muhsen's head snapped up, his smile spread across his face by the seeing of his son in law. "Khalid!", he boomed his voice thick with emotion. "Come in, come in! It's so good to see you!"
Khalid approached Muhsen who was lying, propped up on pillows. "How are you feeling today, Uncle?"
"Better since my favorite nurse is here." Muhsen's eyes averted to Fajr.
She smiled, and Khalid felt grateful. It had been long since the last time he saw her smile.
"Daughter, why are you standing there like a vase, bring a chair for your husband."
Despite of herself, Fajr pushed the plastic chair towards Khalid and he sat down comfortably beside Muhsen's bed.
Muhsen squeezed Khalid's hand, "Son, I don't know how to reward you for what you have been doing for me. You have done more than..."
Khalid didn't let him finish, he stopped him by a gesture of his hand; "don't say that uncle. It's my duty. I'm doing you no favors."
He spent the next hour talking with his father in law. It was a warm talk pushed back the sterile chill of the hospital walls. Fajr was standing behind, muted, her arms crossed over her chest. She was observing Khalid's sincere tenderness toward her father.
Khalid suddenly fidgeted and looked at her; "I think you need to go home to refresh."
Fajr stared at him with a warning look; "No, I'm fine.."
But her father intervened insisting that she should go with her husband and take some rest.
It was time to leave. Khalid rose up and leaned down, pressing a kiss to Muhsen's forehead.
"We will be back tomorrow." He promised.
*********
When they stepped out into the corridor, Fajr faced Khalid and asked furiously ; "what are you trying to do?"
Khalid pretended as if not understanding; "do what?"
"You know that I want to stay here."
"So?! you could have said this inside." His hand pointed to the door of Muhsen's room.
She didn't want to make a scene in front of her sick father, and Khalid knew that well enough. He just didn't understand what went wrong. She had been ignoring his presence for days. She couldn't be this mad just because he didn't explain the health status of her father to her. They should go home and talk.
Fajr, despite of herself, followed him into his car.
**********
At home...
She had a hot bath and felt refreshed. Muscles she didn't know were tense loosened, her skin, parched from sleepless nights spent in the hospital room, drank in the warmth. Khalid was right, she needed to come home and refresh. A sort of lazy sleepy feeling came over her, but as this passed away, she felt faint and thirsty, so she went to the kitchen.
Khalid settled down at the kitchen table, the plate of spaghetti steaming before him. He popped the top of his orange soda can and poured some into a glass, half-filled with ice cubes. Then grabbed his fork, shoved it into the middle of the pasta, and started eating.
About halfway through his quick solo dinner that he'd prepared for himself, Fajr entered to the kitchen, the smell of food made her nauseous. She headed toward the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. After she had drank, Khalid summoned her to sit by a gesture of his hand; "Sit down! I saved you a plate in the warmer."
"I'm not really hungry." Fajr returned the water bottle to the fridge and closed the door.
"In either way, sit down. We need to talk."
"What's there to talk about?" Fajr said it more like a statement than a question, however Khalid took it as a question and came clean; "there's me and you and our life." He said, as matter-of-factly.
Fajr sat across from him with a wondering look.
He decided to let go of all his thoughts and couldn't wait anymore.
"You need to tell me what happened on that day that changed you this much? Speak up, please." He was not the type of people who held their patience in unlike her. "You wish to suffer in silence, in solitude. Do you think the best way to solve our problems is by silence? Never try to punish me with your silence, Fajr, because your silence would eventually kill our relationship. How many times shall I repeat to you that it was your father's desire... it was his request and I gave my word not to tell. why are you punishing me as if I'm the one who caused of his disease?"
"Good if you want to talk then there is something I want to talk about."
Khalid picked up the glass of soda and put it to his lips; "go ahead. I'm all ears";
She finally moved her lips to utter, but not the explanation that Khalid wished to hear.
With hesitation, Fajr said "I want to go back to London."
Khalid couldn't swallow the liquid in his mouth, he coughed and cleared his throat.; "What?" he paused for a moment, "Why?"
"Dad can be treated better there."
"Uncle Muhsen is in one of the best oncology hospitals here and he is treated using the latest therapies providing the highest level of medical care."
"I appreciate what you have done to dad so far. But Dr. Adam, my mother's cousin, is Regional Cancer Center. He will be a great help."
He seemed to surrender for her wish; "Ok if that will make you comfortable. Just wait for a week or two till I take a leave at work and arrange things."
"No, no need..."He was taken aback. Fajr spluttered; "I mean... maybe it's an opportunity that we both need..."
Now he was shocked! the shock written all over his face. Khalid pushed the unfinished plate of food away . His down-turned mouth curved.
"an opportunity you need, but I don't!" But he had too much pride to say the words out loud. And he was far too stubborn to admit it.
He waited for the next part of Fajr's speech, but it never came.
He jumped to his feet, overturning his chair, forgetting all about his unfinished meal.
"Ok. have it your way. Do as you wish." His eyes were cold and uncaring. A flood of pride rose in him as an unpleasant and heavy sensation settled at his heart.
Fajr watched him storm out of the kitchen, listened to his study room door slam. It left her heart wrung with a sense of terrible guilt.