Today, I couldn't force myself to get out of bed. I glance at the clock in the corner of the room and see it's almost two in the afternoon. I've been in bed staring at the ceiling for the past two hours with a blank mind. Not much is going through my head right now yet subconsciously, it feels like I'm at a concert with so much screaming. I was about to roll over when I heard a knock on the door.
"Bada? You up hun?" Soo-min asks from the door. I don't have it in me to respond so she goes away. I roll over hugging Luna's sweatshirt tighter hoping I can get some kind of grasp on her at the moment. I curl up on my side with my legs to my chest as a few tears slip out of my eyes. I guess everything that's happened these past few days is now hitting me really hard pulling me into this dark state of mind. So much darkness in my head right now and I have no idea how to fix it.
When I first met Luna, I was at a point in my life trying to find myself. When I met her, it felt like all the pieces of the puzzle had finally fallen into the correct spaces. And without her here, that puzzle has been scrambled again. Even when we were just friends, I always held Luna in a special place in my heart. She was different from everyone else. An amazing difference that changed my life for the better. I'd never thought I'd be able to live the way I wanted being gay. I just thought that it was how my mind was and that one day I'd end up settling down with a man.
Luna changed that for me and opened a new door to my life. A door that I've always held the key to but was too afraid to open. I'm not afraid when it comes to her. She made me so excited for my future, a future I can truly be myself in. And to not have her here with me is killing me inside. She is my person and for her to be unresponsive like she is now haunts me.
I stay in bed for another hour with a blank mind. Not knowing what exactly to think right now. There's another knock and the door opens.
"Imo?" a tiny voice calls to me and I roll over. He-min's at the door and walks over to me.
"Hi love," I tell her with a raspy voice.
"Are you okay?" she asks me with her adorable voice. I plaster on a smile to reassure her I'm doing alright.
"I'm okay love. You don't have to worry about me," I tell her as I pat her head. She comes to lay down next to me and we cuddle together.
"Are you upset because of Lulu unnie? I thought she was going to be okay," she says and I pull her a little tighter to me with her tiny hands wrapped around my pinky.
"She is min-min. I'm just a little sad that she's not here right now. I miss her," I tell her honestly.
"Why don't you go see her then? Isn't she being taken care of at the hospital by daddy?" she asks me. I don't have it in my heart to tell her Luna's not responsive right now.
"She is, but she's in a deep sleep because she was very tired," I tell her which is somewhat the truth.
"But your dad is making sure she's doing okay and taking good care of her," I say.
Another knock comes from the door and the door opens. It's Ha-joon.
"No fair, I want hugs too," he says running and leaping into the bed next to his sister.
"Alright, alright, cuddles for everyone," I say pulling them both into my embrace. A few minutes pass and Soo-min comes to the door.
"There you guys are, I was wondering why it was so quiet," she says coming over to the bed and sitting down at our feet.
"We were having cuddle time with Imu because she misses Lulu unnie," He-min says and Soo-min's eyes soften.
"Were you? And why wasn't I invited?" she says before plopping on all of us in the bed and pulling us all into a hug.
"You're heavy Soo-min, get up," I say with a strained voice. The woman was squishing me.
"It's baby weight," she says happily smiling and puts more weight on me. I manage to squeeze my way from under her and sit up in the bed with my back against the wall. They end up sitting up as well in the same position with Ha-Joon in his mother's lap and He-min in mine.
"It's almost four and you haven't eaten anything, Bada. Come out for lunch alright," she says holding my gaze. I know she can tell what kind of a state I'm in right now. She's always been the first one to know when something is up with me growing up too.
"I'm sorry, I just didn't feel like getting out of bed," I say staring at one of He-min's stuffed unicorns across the room.
"I know hun, but you gotta eat something okay? You can sleep some more after you've eaten. We won't bother you after," she tells me.
"You guys never bother me. I just feel a bit off today is all. But I'll come eat," I say and we all get up to walk to the kitchen. He-min still had her hand wrapped around my pinky as we walked downstairs with Ha-Joon tugging on my shirt. We go into the kitchen and I sit at one of the barstools again. I have my hoodie over my head as I slump in my seat. My body did not feel like moving today.
"Here you go, I made my special sandwich and fries you love," Soo-min says passing me my plate. I thank her and begin to nibble on my fries. There's a knock on the front door and she goes to answer it.
"Kids, Miyeon wants to know if you want to go play at the park," she says to them and they both cheer and rush to the door.
"Imma go get the kids dressed but you eat up Bada. I want no crumbs left when I get back," she says in her motherly tone. I nod and she heads upstairs.
I place another fry in my mouth and start chewing but my mind starts to wander. I bring my right knee to my chest as I rest my head on it. By now, I'm staring off into space again trying to get a grasp on reality. Luna's in the hospital yet time hasn't stopped. She isn't here to see the kids or go out with Soo-min. Instead, she's bedridden for god knows how long. I sink in my seat some more as a few tears start to fall. I quickly wipe them away upon hearing footsteps in the kitchen.
"Hello Bada," I hear Nari say as she takes a seat next to me. I get irritated just being in her presence.
"What Nari." I tell her.
"Oh nothing, just checking up on you. Do you need anything?" she asks sweetly which makes my left eye twitch.
"No," I blankly say to her.
"Oh come on, I told you if you ever needed anything, I'll be right here," she says trying to hold my hand. I pull my left hand back resting it in my lap. She gets up and walks around me to my right side, draping her arm across my seat. I take in a deep breath trying to hold my anger from her but she leans down across the counter.
"Why so mean? Is it because of that girl in the hospital? Pfff," she says which only makes me angrier.
"I dare you to say another thing about her," I say staring her down. Obviously, the girl is oblivious or something because she just keeps smiling like a psycho.
"I was just playing Bada, no need to get so serious," she says grabbing onto my right hand. I grab onto her hand squeezing it while looking her dead in her eyes.
"Look here Nari, I don't have time for you and your games. You leave me alone or else we're gonna have a real problem. Don't try me right now," I say then yanking her away from me. She stumbles back a little and looks at me with wide eyes. Glad my point got across. I get up from the table and make my way to my room.
I decide to change and head to the hospital, that way I'm far away from Nari. She ended up pissing me off today and I need to get out for some air or something. As I pass the hallway, Soo-min spots me leaving and calls out to me. I walk into her room to find her sitting on her chair with a strange expression while rubbing her belly.
"Bada," she says with a bit of panic in her voice.
"What's wrong Soo-min?" I ask kneeling down in front of her.
"I don't know, I just feel a bit odd," she says with a slight smile but I know it's to hide how much she's panicking inside.
"Come on," I say grabbing onto her arm to help lift her off her chair.
"Where are we going?" she asks.
"The hospital," I tell her as we walk towards the stairs.
"Hold onto me okay? You're gonna be alright," I tell her as I carefully but quickly make our way to my car. I drove there quickly but making sure we were both safe, getting us there a bit quicker than normal. I bring her inside the hospital and sit her at one of the seats in the waiting room.
"Imma go get Dae-Hyun, stay right here alright," I tell her as I get up to ask the nurse to page him. A minute later he comes running down the hall with fear in his eyes.
"What's wrong, the nurse said Soo-min was here," he asked me and I walked over to where she was sitting.
"I'm fine honey, I just feel a little odd. I've never felt like this pregnant with the other two," she says to him but he doesn't buy it and rushes for nurses to bring out a gurney.
"Your brother's so extra Bada, he seriously didn't need to put me on this thing. I can walk," she says frustrated.
"He's better than me, I would've had them tend to you right out here," I tell her and she rolls her eyes.
"You Lee siblings are insane," she says lying back.
"Go check up on Luna, I'll be fine okay? Dae-Hyun will let you know what's going on later," she says as she's rushed to a room. I nod staring at her leaving the hall feeling another sense of weight on my chest. If something happens to Soo-min or their baby, I don't know what I'll do.
I go to make my way to Luna's room. When I walk in, I find it empty without visitors. I thought Kirsten and the others would've been here.
"Hi baby, I'm back," I say to Luna hoping she'll somehow hear me. I take a seat next to her bed and fix her blanket.
"Soo-min just got admitted to the hospital. I guess everyone is stressed since you've been in here," I tell her staring at her dull face. She's still as beautiful as ever.
"I miss you, my love. It hasn't been too long since you've been here but I really miss you so much, baby. Can't you just open your eyes for me or at least move your fingers? Just let me know you're okay, hmm?" I ask hopeful for her to respond. I give her a minute but nothing.
"Baby," I say as a sob erupts from my lips.
"I should've been there that day with you. You wouldn't be in here if I had just stayed with you. He wouldn't have been able to hurt you if I was there. Please come back to me baby. I need you, Luna. So badly. We all miss you, Luna. So many of us want nothing more than for you to be safe and happy. You know, I forgot to tell you that Soo-min told me she wanted you and me to name the baby. I can't name them without you, love. You gotta be here to go to her baby shower and for the birth. She's already starting to show so much. I can't help but get jealous every time I see her and my brother together. They get to have this perfect relationship and life together with their kids while me and you have been suffering trying to be together peacefully. I wish we could have what they have. I wish we could start our life together happily and in peace. I wish we didn't have to suffer like this," I say crying.
"Please, Luna. I need you to pull through okay? I won't be able to live if you don't," I say choking up as I rest my forehead on her hand. I stay like this for a while crying next to her. I get a text from Dae-Hyun to come to Soo-min's room. I go to the bathroom to wipe my face off and head upstairs. I walk into her room as she's hooked up to an ultrasound machine.
"Is everything alright?" I ask hoping she and the baby are alright.
"Everything is fine Bada, come here," Soo-min says reaching her arm out to me.
"Look at the screen over there," she says making me turn my head to the screen.
"You see it yet?" she asks and I shake my head confused as to what I'm supposed to be looking at. I see a black blob in one space and I squint my eyes to see...omg.
"Oh my goodness, twins!" I ask excitedly with wide eyes staring a the screen.
"Mmm-hmm, that's why I was feeling so odd. I had some weird symptoms lately but the doctor told me it was normal for women carrying twins or multiple children," she says smiling happily.
"Awww, congratulations Minny," I say hugging her and I can hear her starting to cry.
"Why are you crying?" I asked concerned as I pulled back from the hug.
"You haven't called me Minny in so long," she says and starts bawling like a baby. I giggle and hug her again. Dae-Hyun walks into the room with a chart checking on her vitals.
"Congrats Dae-Hyun," I tell him
"Thanks noona. I can't believe it. But I'm so excited," he says happily coming over to Soo-min and embracing her in a loving hug. It was nice to see them like this but it also made me a bit sad. I wish this could be Luna and I, or even just have Luna by my side to hear the great news. It was a bittersweet moment for me. My smile falters trying to keep it up but it's hard.
"I'll let you guys enjoy this together. Imma head to Luna's room. See you guys later and congrats again," I say with a weak smile as I head to the door. I walk back to Luna's room relatively slowly with my head down. When I make it to her room, I walk over to where I had been sitting before.
"You'll never guess what just happened," I tell Luna.
"Soo-min's having twins. Can you believe it?" I say hoping for some kind of response, but just like before, nothing happens.
"N-now we can name two babies, or you name one and I'll name the other," I say getting choked up again. I stare down at her with wet eyes knowing she won't respond to me. I glance around the room with a heavy heart wondering why this had to happen to her. Why Luna? Why did she have to be taken away from me? Now that Haneul is dead, I have no one to blame or take my anger out on. I'm just stuck with my lost thoughts.
"I gotta go Luna, but I'll be back okay love," I say getting up from my seat and getting my jacket. I couldn't take looking at her like this right now. I know that sounds bad, but it's hurting me too much to be around her like this. I make my way out of her room and down the hall to the front door. I needed to get out for a while, just go somewhere for a few hours or something. I was going crazy sitting here.
"Bada?" Dae-Hyun asks grabbing my hand from behind.
"Where are you going?" he asks turning me around and his face instantly drops seeing my red swollen eyes.
"I'll be back in a while, I just need to go somewhere," I tell him and he nods letting my hand go.
When I get in my car, I break down in tears and sobs. When I halfway get myself together, I put the car in drive and make my way down the highway. I just drive freely. About an hour later, I somehow made it to the spot me and Luna came to have our midnight picnic a while ago. I get out of my car and the chilly winter breeze hits my face. I wrap my jacket tighter around my frame as I walk to where we had last time.
I take a seat near the cliff staring down at Seoul. I decided to lay back and watch the stars for a while. Luna really loved the view when we came here. She would love it here so much in the spring so I'll definitely take her, especially when all the flowers are in bloom.
My Luna, I will wait forever for you to come back to me.
FOUR MONTHS LATER
"Hey Bada," Kirsten says entering Luna's hospital room.
"Hey, are the girls coming today?" I ask.
"No, they're at the studio working on some solos and duets," she tells me coming in to take a seat next to Luna.
Luna's been in the hospital for a few months now. She's still unresponsive but I haven't lost hope in her. Me and Kirsten visit her every chance we get hoping one of these days she'll miraculously wake up. I've somewhat gone back to my regular scheduled days. I'm still staying with my brother and his wife but I have an apartment in the city. I decided to stay with them for a while to help out around the house as well as help Soo-min. Carrying twins has been a lot for her and it's been hard for her to function a little, so I'm there to take care of her and the kids when Dae-Hyun is working.
Nari is still living there too, which has been difficult. Even after all this time, she still doesn't get the hint that I don't like her. Or she gets it but thinks she can change me to like her. Never in a million years would I even consider looking in her direction. I'm still cordial with her because she's Dae-hyun's close friend's sister. If it was up to me, I would've told her to kick rocks by now.
"How is she doing today, still the same?" Kirst asks.
"Yeah, still the same," I sigh sitting back in my seat eating an orange. I offer some to Kirsten and she takes a few and sits in the chair across the room.
"You wanna go eat somewhere later?" she asks me and I nod.
We stay with Luna for a few hours talking about work and other topics until we both get hungry and make our way to a restaurant nearby. We decided to go have chicken and beer.
"You want some," Kirst offers a bottle of beer to me but I decline. Ever since I've met Luna, I've cut out alcohol. For both her and myself. I used to be a heavy drinker back in college so I'm glad to have stopped it completely by now. We sit there eating our food admiring the night.
"Can I ask you something, and don't get mad okay?" she tells me and I nod.
"Do you think she'll ever wake up?" she asks softly picking at the chicken in front of her.
"I do. Although it's been a while, I can feel she'll pull through. It's the only thing keeping me sane, so I believe she's gonna wake up. I'm not sure when, but she will Kirst. Just give her some more time," I tell her and she nods at me.
"You don't think she will?" I ask her curious to see where her mind is at.
"I don't know. Of course, I want her to more than anything. I would trade spots with her in a heartbeat if I could. But I just can't help but think the worst every time we see her and she hasn't moved an inch. Not even an eye flutter or hand movement in four months Bada," she says sadly.
"I understand where you're coming from, but she's here and alive Kirsten. We get to see her breathe every day and that's enough for me to have hope in her waking up. She's not gonna leave us and she wouldn't want us to give up hope on her, okay?" I tell her softly hoping she'd understand we have to keep fighting for Luna despite what we may think.
"I know. I've never given up hope, but I just always think in the back of my mind that maybe she's tired of fighting. She's been fighting all her life, Bada. You don't think she's tired?" she asks with hurt eyes. I can tell this has been eating her up inside. She's known Luna longer than all of us and knows exactly what she's been through. She was there to witness firsthand what Luna had gone through both when she was younger and now. Seeing her sister go through the things she did must've changed the way she sees things from all of us around her. Luna's told me about her past, but I can only feel for her to a certain extent. It's different with Kirsten, worse for her than me when thinking about Luna's past.
"It's gonna be okay Kirst. We just gotta give her time. She'll come back to us when she's ready. And we'll be here ready for her, hmm?" I say squeezing her hand softly for reassurance. These past few months, Kirst and I were able to get a lot closer. It makes me feel more connected to Luna when I'm around Kirsten. She talks about Luna with so much love and light. Last month, I showed Kirst the engagement ring I was thinking about buying Luna. She approved of this one but I might have another in mind, so we're keeping that one on the list of options for now.
Kirst also told me about a guy she's been seeing recently. Apparently the morning she and Kirsten went out that day, Kirst met a barista at a coffee shop and they've hit it off pretty well since. I've hung out with both of them a few times and he seems like a really nice guy. He's very respectful and caring towards Kirst, so I approve on Luna's behalf (actually Luna needs her own approval when it comes to Kirsten. She won't let any bum be around Kirsten on her watch 😅).
I think he's been helping Kirsten while Luna's been in the hospital. Now Kirst has someone to take her mind off of things for a while which I'm glad about. She deserves to have some peace and happiness during this time.
"It sucks I couldn't spend Christmas with Luna at my family's cabin. She was really excited about it," I said changing the subject while drinking my sprite.
"Yeah, she talked about it a lot that day we were together. She was already making a list of gifts to get everyone. She also told me about the art exhibition your mom was hosting she wanted to go to," she says sadly.
Oh yeah, about my parents. So a few days after Luna first came to the hospital, they found out and came running. My mom had told my dad about the two of us and he was happy about it. He said as long as I was happy that's all that mattered. When my mom found out what happened to Luna, she cried really hard. Even though the two hadn't met before, she still knew about Luna from me. I would talk her head off about Luna for hours on end. She knew how much I loved Luna and it broke her heart to hear about it. Both of them have visited the hospital a few times to check up on everything. They bring food and clothes by whenever they can for both Kirsten and I. Kirsten would tell them stories about Luna and it only made my parents love Luna even more hearing about her.
"Yeah, my mom was gonna push the exhibit back until Luna could go, but I told her to have it since we didn't know when she could wake up. She said she'll give Luna a personal tour of her archives when she wakes up," I tell Kirsten.
"She'll love that. It'll make her feel all VIP and stuff," she says giggling.
"That was my exact thought too," I said and we both laughed. We finished off the night with some dessert at a stall near the restaurant. She had to get going so I decided to go back to the hospital alone.
When I get there, I go into Luna's room with a calm heart. After about a month of her being here, I was able to adapt my feelings and emotions better. I've gotten out of my sadness and anger phase and am in my somewhat content phase (not content but trying to find solitude in the situation so I don't end up flinging myself off the highest building hahaha 😄 (that's really dramatic, more like so I won't go crazy)).
Of course my heart still hurts so much, but I want to try and have a better mindset for this situation instead of sulking.
"Hi baby, me and Kirst just got done eating. There's this amazing chicken spot I've gotta take you when you wake up. You'll love it," I say fixing her hair.
"Soo-min's been asking about you. She's been put on bedrest so she can't come see as often as she used to. But she's missed you and wants you to know she's thinking of you all the time. Ohhh, she found out what she's having today. A boy and a girl. Now the kids won't be outnumbered with one another. I remember growing up with Soo-min and Dae-hyun and how much we'd always bicker with one another. Me and Soo-min would team up against Dae-hyun because he was a boy and would make him do stuff for us," I say laughing at the memory.
"If you wake up soon, you can choose which one you want to name. I'll be honest, I have a girl's name in mind but I kinda want to keep it for when we have kids. Oh, Tatter and the other girls have been asking about you too. They've been here a few times to see you. Kyma still talks about the time you and her bonded at the mall when you guys went into the K-pop store. She's been collecting their solo albums for you and keeping them stashed away in her room. She even still has the phone charm you got her on her case. They talk nonstop about how much they loved hanging with you. You're gonna be so proud of Lusher and Latirce. They ended up choreographing another duet together that went viral. They call themselves Lala and Lulu," I say giggling at them.
"We all miss you baby. Please come back to us soon okay," I say laying my head on the side of her bed as my eyes drifted shut and I fell into a deep sleep.
Hey guys, Happy New Year 🥳. These past few chapters have been Bada's POV and will continue to be until further notice. Just a few more chapters though and then back to Luna's POV. I hope you're all enjoying the story. I think I'm hitting closer to the end of this story but I still have a lot of chapters to write so don't worry. Plus I'm most likely going to start writing another story after this one. Let me know if you guys want another Bada story bc I have many ideas 🤭. I'll see you all in the next chapter. Until then my darlings 💙💋