Hello, so here I have something new for you guys. It's a bit heavy on the feelings today, the end is outright insane, please don't murder me. But I do hope you enjoy it extra long chapter (14k) which most likely will be the last before Christmas, but maybe I have a little Christmas present for you guys. Just keep up with what I am doing and you will see. Please let me know what you think and I hope you like it. Cheers!
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Groaning softly, Joanna flipped onto her side, away from Max's hold, despite delighting in his comfortable presence and touch most nights, but this night, it was unnerving. Max was dead to the world, had fallen asleep hours ago and so had Joanna but a dream she could no longer remember woke her and since that point in the night, there was no falling asleep for her any longer.
It was too hot in their bedroom, but too cool to sleep without a blanket at the same time. A blanket that had got tangled with Joanna's feet, so badly, she had to sit up and sort it out with her hands, rather than just kicking at her blanket. While she went through all that, Max slept. On his back but slightly turned to her, in the same position he would normally sleep with his arm pulling Joanna against his chest.
As they began dating years ago, that was unnerving to Joanna too. That Max not only tolerated the physical touch during sex, but also graved it while being asleep. The first few nights they spend together, Joanna was more awake than asleep, watching Max with scepticism while she tried to figure out what his underlying motive for so much unconditionally given touches and caresses were. After a while, Joanna understood that that was just who Max was. She understood that he held her close as they slept not because he had motives, he didn't tell her about but because he loved her.
Max loved her and sometimes, that made her feel so guilty.
Settling into bed once more, Joanna lay on her back, the pillows propped up slightly, so she could see the window. Normally, they would close the curtains at night, well Max would. In their little bedtime routine, they had found each little tasks for themselves but since it was snowing beautifully, Max left the curtains wide open. Not because he liked to watch the snow himself, honestly it annoyed Max a bit how bright the world was a night when it was snowing, but it seemed to calm Joanna.
Watching the snow fall, Joanna nearly drifted off, the repetition of it, the calming certainty that the snow would keep falling, but then Max moved in his sleep, stirring her awake again. He was seeking her out, noticing her absence even though she was laying right next to him, just without touching him for once, which caused his subconsciousness to reach out for her. Joanna was sure that wouldn't he have found her, it would have stirred him awake too.
Joanna wouldn't have minded. She was used to Max holding her to him, protecting her and over the years she had not only learned to accept it, but also to love it. She would have drifted off again, so tired so exhausted, but Max's hand landed on her belly. Her stomach, causing them to lay there as they did nearly every night while Joanna was pregnant with Henry.
Swallowing slowly, Joanna looked out of the window once more. Willing the snow to calm her down again but the calmness was gone and the guilt seeping back in. He loved her. That might be the biggest tragedy of her life still.
Taking a deep breath, Joanna lifted Max's hand from her belly, before laying it down gently on her mattress where she would normally lay, before slipping out of bed.
Her first thought was to go and check on Henry, but she knew she would find him soundly asleep, the baby monitor on her bedside table promised her that, so instead she stepped over to the window, sitting down on the windowsill for a moment.
The world was so different when it was wrapped into a fluffy coat of snow. She felt more at home in Austria when the mountains were hulled in white. When steps could be seen in the snow. When the water of the pound froze.
It wasn't something she could explain, not really. It was just the sensation of the frozen crystals on her from the cold reddened skin. It was the cold seeping in, when she lay on the ground in her skiing clothes. It was the dances of the flakes. The continuity of it. The grey sky and the white flakes. It was beautiful to watch during the day, but at night, it had something special. Something moving.
When a single streetlight illuminated a tiny part of the world, just light enough for one to see every snowflake individually as they fell to the ground and build a solid white blanket, wrapping the entire world in. Making the night clear and bitter cold, so cold you could almost hear it, like the sound glass made when it rubbed against glass.
The talk about Mark had left her more in her thoughts than usual which Max had noticed but refused to address. The tenderness of addressing the topic was still engraved in Joanna's every move. He didn't want to push her further, not when she had opened up so readily, but the Austrian felt that she might regret telling him altogether.
Joanna didn't like dwelling on the past, there was nothing she could do to change something that had already happened, it was set in stone, but that didn't mean it couldn't come back to damage what she had built. Sometimes, she felt like talking about the past was like cursing herself. As if her past memories craved revenge. Tried to punish her for locking them into a box hidden deep in herself, never to be open, when all they wanted was to be shown, was to be felt. Joanna refused to do all these things.
Things long spoken about are things that will be remembered, but the accuracy of these memories float and change. They have no significance anymore. They do no longer define her, for she had made new memories, memories she liked better.
She was sure that half the memories she had about Mark were tinted with mildness of time. It didn't make her soft, not at all but the memories became foggy, as if she was looking through an unfocused camera. It made her milder in her harshness towards Mark. It also made her milder in her harshness towards herself and Joanna didn't think she deserved that, not yet. Not any time soon.
Taking a deep breath, the Austrian reached for the heavy wool pullover she had hung over the chair by the window last night, before pulling it over the shirt she wore that belonged to Max. A pair of long pyjama pants she could wear over her shorts were found quickly, just as a pair of socks. Getting dressed quickly and silently, Joanna glanced at Max one last time, sleeping peacefully in their bed, before she slipped out of the room.
Her boots were standing on a tray by the door, so the melting snow wouldn't damage their wooden floor, her winter coat was hung up in the wardrobe not far away. A scarf and a beanie quickly put on as well. It felt strange to her, being able to dress herself fully, without having to dress Henry first, without having to hurry once Henry was dressed so he would heat up too much in his winter clothes and without Max asking where his own things were, which he of course had no idea of where they were kept.
Walking through the door of their apartment, Joanna realised that she was very much a mother now. More so than she ever thought she would be. Henry was always the first thing she thought about. His needs came before anything else, while all Joanna was, all that defined her had to move into the background of her existence. She was a mother now and she was loved for it.
"Ms Lauda." Tommy greeted surprised as she had made her way down the stairs which lead from the living apartments and what they used as their offices down into the great hall, past all the F1 cars she owned.
"Can I assist you with something?" The Austrian asked, who was on night duty so Adrian could have his eight hours of sleep as well, even thought Joanna had told Adrian, that she found it a bit unnecessary for security staff to guard the front door the entire night.
"Hello, Tommy." Joanna said softly, it was important to her to know every name of the people who worked for her in her own home, even though she sometimes had her troubles, especially with the twins that worked in the kitchen. "Please, open the door. I'd like to go on a walk." She added and for a moment, Joanna thought he would ask questions, or remind her to the awfully early time of the day, but he said nothing, just opened the front door for Joanna, before wishing her a lovely walk.
Slipping out of the might old door, Joanna looked over her shoulder to watch Tommy close it again. Thee door was so heavy, it took a great amount of strength from one person to open and close it. Joanna had thought about modernising the door, but Adrian had refused and Max didn't care enough about through which door they were entering their home, so he wouldn't get involved and alone against Adrian's stubbornness he insisted on keeping up, she decided it wasn't worth it.
Walking down the front steps, the snow made sounds with every step she took, while snowflakes danced in the sky, only to settle on her from the inside still warm skin to melt there. Lifting her hand, Joanna caught a few snowflakes, all of them melting instantly while her skin began to redded with the sudden cold, but she didn't care much. For once, silence and loneliness were welcome, as she moved over the snowy ground under which she knew was a gravel path. The forest was her destination.
There, once she made her way over the grass and past the many flower beds just behind the tree line was a little pound in a clearing, surrounded by tall trees and millions of tulips, which Joanna had asked Patrick to plant this autumn. Entering the little stone path, Joanna walked up what they created to be an aisle of stone leading to a pavilion. This was where she would marry Max. This would be the place where her life would take a different turn. A turn she never thought it would take.
Climbing up the three stairs to enter the pavilion, Joanna was out of the direct snow as she turned around only to sit on the small stone bench in the back of the pavilion. Looking down at the pound, between the ancient trees Joanna realised that this would be the view Max has when she walks down the stone bath, over the little bridge to cross the pound before passing their guests to reach him on their wedding day. All around them tulips blooming and blossoming.
It made her smile, but the smile died on her lips soon after, making place for sadness and nostalgia in her heart. Despite all differences she had over the years with her father, she would have wanted him to guid her down the aisle. She would have wanted him to be there and watch her marry Max.
Sadly enough, Henry would be too young to walk just yet come the time of the wedding, or she would have loved for him to toddle down the aisle before her, throwing flowers left and right, but that thought also delivered a blow to her heart.
The Austrian didn't want to think about Max's wish to have any more children. They've talked about it plenty enough, both of them sure in their decision, but Joanna feared a 'what if'. She was deadly afraid that Max would weak up one day and blame her from having one son and one son only. That he would regret choosing her, giving her everything she ever wanted while Joanna refused to give him the one thing which he thought would complete their family. More children, brothers and sisters for Henry. Maybe she was the wrong woman after all.
Her skin was reddened and cold to the touch, she had been out here for quiet a while, but she felt she didn't care. It was so peaceful out here. The only sound to be heard was when snow that had piled up somewhere suddenly grew to heavy before falling down to the ground and the cracking of the ice in the pound.
Mark had said something in Abu Dhabi that wasn't letting go of her. That she wasn't herself anymore and, in that moment, she wanted to laugh into his face, ask him if he hadn't learned anything over the years. If he thought she was stupid enough to return strongly, when everyone looking at her as a mother softened by her role wouldn't benefit her more. She was still Joanna Lauda, and she still knew how this game was played. No matter how badly off she was, high, drunk or depressed. Joanna always knew what her role in this world was, even if she tried to fight it and felt lost more often than not. Her destiny was set in stone by her father, there was no use fighting it.
But the more she thought about it, the more she realised that Mark had a point. Not about her being a mother and going soft because of it. No, Joanna was still very much herself, but she had changed over the years. Max had changed her like no one else before him. And she didn't know if she liked it.
She wondered if she bent too much to be to Max's liking. If she had watered herself down to be easier to stomach. Joanna felt like she edited her soul, her core essence. She grew softer, especially with Max over the years. Thinking back, she had to wince at her own harshness with the Dutchman more often than not. Joanna still wondered how he could have loved her, back then. Maybe it was the power she held he had been attracted to in the beginning, or it had been that he was truly a fan of her while grown up. But neither of the things were a reason to stay, certainly not for Max.
He must have fallen in love with something else. Something she had started to bend and water down, something she had edited over the years over and over again, so the original thing isn't even to be seen beneath it anymore. Yes, Joanna had changed, but she didn't know if she had changed to be to Max's liking or if Max's love had changed her to a better person.
Max Verstappen had no hidden agenda. And Joanna, who had never anything, but hidden agendas will always have troubles understanding this. Even now. Joanna became a player because she resented being a pawn in someone else's game. She came that far, the games which are played are even considered hers now. But Max was so very different. There was nothing hidden about him, ever. Max said what he thought. He commanded respect, but on the same side was also silly as a teenager and still. He was a pawn, but he never cared to change it.
He somehow to manage to be a pawn and still win the game.
Joanna would most likely break her own neck, trying to understand how Max did it, which is why she got up from the stone bench, the hair that was under the beanie wet from the molten snowflakes, and resume her walk. Her fingers were stiff from the cold, just as her legs began to hurt. The red cotton pyjama pants with the Christmas print she received from Daniel while playing secret Santa a few years ago, not thick enough to stay outside for so long.
Moving back to the house, taking the other route, it would take Joanna longer to return, she knew that much, but it would also bring her to the rose garden. A garden she never stepped inside personally. Not since she knew what each rosebush stood for. Joanna couldn't bare it, but she also couldn't bare it to tell Patrick to stop caring for the roses.
The closest she moved was standing by the entrance. Looking over the many roses planted in the garden, she wondered if her family was truly cursed. Maybe an ancestor had slighted someone, who shouldn't have been crossed. It would be easy to believe that, to give the fault to someone. Because as of now, for most of the lost children, nature was at fault. Joanna had been utterly helplessly both times. It had been nature, who took them from her.
It was unfair. Even though it wasn't like Joanna had tried over and over again to get pregnant, but just because these boys weren't planned didn't mean she wouldn't have wanted them. She would have given up her career without a second thought to be a mother to her children, but it never should have been. It was irrational to be angry at people, who have children so easily without any trouble, when she had fallen pregnant without it being planned as well, but she was angry. Joanna was so very angry.
Because there was this one ugly thought. The thought that would her babies have survived, Joanna would have already given Max the big family he wanted. They would have three boys and the Austrian knew that Max would love her son just as much as his own. He would delight in being a father for three boys, she was sure of it. But she was also sure that he wouldn't wish to have more children if her other boys would only have survived.
Slinging her arms around her chest, Joanna could see the roses for her boys clearly. They were the youngest after all. Easy to pick out and something deep inside her wished that she could burn that garden down. She wished that no rose would ever be added, she wished that the garden would slowly stop existing.
For a brief moment, Joanna angrily wondered how Jules did it. How he managed, behind Daniel's back while all she seemed to do was suffer and lose. It seemed like all he needed was one shot and wasn't that unfair.
But then it passed, as all things do.
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Max wasn't used to waking up alone. Not when he was at home and Joanna should be laying next to him, but as he had reached out for her, the sheets beneath his hand was cold which had caused him to lift his head from his pillow and open his eyes slowly to adjust. Joanna's side was empty, and one look at the baby monitor after he had reached for the bloody thing standing on his soon-to-be wife's bedside table, told him that Henry was still soundly asleep. So, she also wasn't on her way to get Henry like she did so many mornings. After feeding his the last time for the night, Joanna would get their baby body and bring him with her to their bed, so the three of them could cuddle for a bit. It was a lovely morning ritual and Max was overly found of it.
Putting the baby monitor back down, Max laid onto his back, trying to listen in, if Joanna had just moved to the bathroom, but there was no running water which would explain the cold sheets. Worrying his lips between his teeth for a moment, Max sat up, not liking Joanna's absence one bit, he looked around the room, finding her heavy wool pullover missing. But it was so unlike her to just get up without annoying Max first to join her for breakfast soon.
Pulling the blanket back with an annoyed huff, Max hissed slightly, his expression displeased as the cold morning air hit his naked legs. Maybe he should start wearing pyjama pants rather than just boxershorts for bed. He grumbled under his breath, pulling the first joggers from the shelf he found before picking up the baby monitor and on his way through the hallway in their apartment a pair of socks and a hoody from the basket of washed and ironed clothes he had promised to store away three days ago, but still hasn't gotten to.
He did stop and glanced inside Henry's room, but their baby boy was sleeping soundly, which wasn't a surprise at six in the morning, if only Joanna would have stayed in bed, they could have a lay in. Maybe even sleep until lunch would be served.
Once he had reached the living room, he was kind of glad to find Joanna's laptop and her purse where she had left it by the coffee table, but that her phone was in the living room as well worried him again.
Max stepped into a pair of sneakers quickly, before he left their family apartment and made his way down the hallway, he was about to walk past the stairs which led down into the great entrance hall of the Lauda house. His original plan was to check if she was in her office, but the little crowd of people standing by the front door talking in whispering tones but still somehow restless and worried made him stop, before he moved down the stairs.
Emma was still in her casual clothes as was David, the butler. Holding hands and seemingly just arriving, while Tommy looked guilty and worried as Adrian, was asking him question after question while their cook, Stephan seemed to be talking about breakfast.
"What is going on?" Max wanted to know, not a single member of the staff noticing prior to him speaking up, which was never a good sign. Everyone who worked in the Lauda House was highly trained and noticing the family of the house was one of the bare necessities to serve them well. Adrian normally was very persistent about this, but the old Austrian himself hadn't noticed Max before.
"Mister Verstappen." He greeted while everyone else fell silent. "Do you wish breakfast to be prepared?" Stephan already about to run off to the kitchen, should the answer be yes, but Max shook his head.
"I rather know why all of you are behaving strangely." Max told the old Austrian his arms crossed over his chest. It was way too early to deal with Adrian. Max really liked that old bastard, but he needed some time to wake up, before any of this. But Adrian stayed silent, telling Max that someone was very wrong.
"And I happen to look for Joanna." He added, maybe the Austrian was readier to talk about that, than whatever was going on in the house today.
"Mister Verstappen..." Adrian started to appease Max, but Tommy was quick to answer, talking over Adrian with a nervous tone in his voice and a guilty look.
"Miss Lauda came downstairs around three in the morning and asked me to open the door for her to take a walk. She hadn't returned yet." He admitted, which caused Max's eyes to widen for a moment, before he swallowed. It was freezing cold outside and knowing Joanna, she should have returned hours ago.
"David, bring me my winter coat please." Max said, which caused the butler to sprint up the stairs after handing Emma his backpack.
Adrian shot Tommy a disapproving look. He didn't want Max to worry when all Joanna did was take a quick walk, but the walk took her three hours by now, in snow terrain she knew, yes but with no phone and no way to contact anyone should she have gotten hurt or stuck somewhere.
"Why haven't you woken me?" Max asked Adrian as they stepped away from the others a few steps, who seemed to know that Joanna was missing for at least longer than Max, which was inacceptable to the Dutchman.
"And worry you for no reason?" Adrian asked Max instead, but the Dutchman wasn't thankful for that answer. No, he was furious. Max decided to send Stephan to go and wake Patrick on his way downstairs to the kitchen, he and his fellow gardeners knew the forest and the grounds of the estate best after all, before thanking David, who had just returned with Max's coat, ready to go out with the Dutchman.
Adrian watched as Max got into his coat before holding out the baby monitor. "Would you have an eye on him?" He asked, Emma reaching out to take the baby monitor as usual. They really needed to give her a raise for basically doing two jobs at the moment, as Adrian spoke up.
"Of course." He said, read to take the monitor from Max's hand, but the Dutchman pulled it back.
"Not you." He said harsh in his coldness, before adding.
"Emma, please." His voice a bit softer, as he handed over the baby monitor.
"Of course, Mister Verstappen." He almost whispered. Not sure how to act, when she was standing in the middle of Adrian, who was her boss and Max Verstappen, who was even more her boss. It was strange when they disagreed and uncomfortable.
"I want the gardeners to concentrate on the forest. Everyone else would just get lost. David and I will search the garden." Max decided, already gesturing for Tommy to open the door, which he instantly did. Careful not to look directly at Max, but he wasn't angry with the man, he knew that there was no chance on this earth, that Joanna wouldn't have gone out if she wanted to. He's glad that she went out through the front door, so at least Tommy knew, and they had an idea for how long she had been out there already.
"Mister Verstappen. We have everything under control..." Adrian began to talk, standing behind Max, and normally, he would have let it go, but not when it was about Joanna. He turned around swiftly and stared the old Austrian down.
"You have nothing under control, Adrian." Max told him, once more harshly, before giving him orders. "Have the doctor on standby. And have Stephen prepare some tea for when he found her."
"You're ready, David?" Max then asked, causing the butler to nod, before he followed the Dutchman out of the front door, but Adrian reached out to grab Max by the shoulder to stop him from storming off into what had turned into a snowstorm.
"Max." He said, to gain the Dutchman's attention, which caused everyone else to stop for a moment. Adrian had never before addressed either Max nor Joanna by their given name. That was something they simply didn't do but Max didn't seem to really notice it either.
"What?" He hissed at the old Austrian, who took a step back, removed his hand from Max's shoulder and straightened, before he spoke again.
"She will be fine." He reassured, which caused Max to snort.
"I hope so, for you." Max answered bristly. "Stay here in the case she comes back."
"And everyone else take their bloody phone with them. I'm not in the mood to go out and search for someone else as well." Max called over his shoulder before he and David were out in the snowstorm, only for Adrian to order Tommy to close the door behind them and then go and make sure Patrick and the gardeners would be out there soon took.
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"We're nearly though with the entire forest now, Mister Verstappen." Patrick said over the phone, while David stood next to Max, hoping they've found the Austrian somewhere. "We can't say we've found any tracks with how heavily it's snowing." Patrick said, his voice breathless.
"I understand." Max replied unhappily before gesturing for David that they would go on looking. He had called Emma before, she said that Joanna hadn't returned to the Lauda House, so this was his last hope really.
"We're on our way to check the rose garden." Max told Patrick, even though they both knew that Joanna had no desire to go there normally, but Max was at a loss. She wasn't in the house, nor in the forest and this was the last place in the garden they hadn't been looking for her just yet. Adrian even called the tenants to see if she maybe was somewhere there and the maids have looked through the entire house again, just as the glass gardens and the spa.
"She wouldn't be there, Sir. I've never seen her enter the rose garden." Patrick said and normally Max would agree, but they were running out of places where Joanna could be.
"It's the last place where we haven't looked just yet. I want to check it, before the snow gets even heavier." The Dutchman uttered, they would have to turn after the big oak tree left and slightly up a hill to come to the entrance of the rose garden at the back of the house.
"We will go on a second round through the forest." The Austrian promised, which caused Max to exhale slowly, before thanking Patrick but declining.
"Finish the first round and then call everyone back. There is no use if you all get lost in the forest too." If Joanna was in the forest, then Patrick would find her, Max knew that. No one knew that forest better than him, so it only worried him more that they haven't found her just yet. Patrick reliantly agreed, but he didn't like what it meant one bit. They couldn't leave Joanna out here. Not a moment longer.
Max was glancing at his lock screen after he had ended the phone, Joanna and himself looking back at him. He was giving her a piggyback ride on the picture. Unlocking the phone, Max was faced with a black and white picture of Joanna holding Henry in the hospital.
"Sir." David then said, causing Max to glance at him, before looking at where David was pointing where a figure was sitting on the ground, the gates to the rose garden open for the figure to look inside.
For the briefest of moments, he was frozen, before he freed himself and sprinted over to the figure, the winter coat was a fit, that was her jacket and the beanie as well. Max didn't slow to a stop, he let himself fall to his knees, before hugging Joanna from behind to his body. Pulling her back with such force, he nearly had her laying in his lap.
"By God, woman." He uttered into Joanna's ear, while David said that he would inform the others, but Max didn't hear any of it. He just tried to hold Joanna, all of her, pulling her more and more into himself, his fingers gripping her jacket. "We looked everywhere for you, I was worried sick, J." He added.
"I just went for a walk." Joanna replied, not understanding why Max reacted the way he reacted, but other than Max, she also couldn't see herself.
Her nose was reddened just like her entire face by now, it must have been painful. Her fingers must be stiff with cold, and her pyjama pants must have been soaked with the snow she had been sitting in. There was no chance on this earth that she wouldn't at least have a cold after the stunt she had just pulled.
"Yeah, in the freezing cold snow blizzard three hours ago without proper clothes." Max said. He wasn't cold at all, he burned with a fury. He couldn't understand why Joanna had been so careless with herself.
"You drive me crazy with worry." Max said disapproving, before he had the mind to get up from the ground and pick Joanna up into his arms. Even though she protested that she could walk and that she had just been out for a stroll and nothing more. She was fine, but Max was furious and wanted to tell her that she was everything but fine. Or in the right mind apparently, he was marrying a mad woman, but he didn't say any of that. He just followed David, who lead him up a few stone stairs, before Adrian was there, on the other side of the French doors. Opening the door quickly to let them in.
The rose garden was right by the house, but it was attached to the wing they used not at all anymore. Right opposite the wing they called their home.
Adrian expressed his worry, while Joanna grumbled that she was more than fine, but Max was having none of it. He also didn't bring her into the great hall as Adrian had advised so she could sit by the fire. He carried her upstairs, saying nothing at all. Only to bring her into their apartment and kicking the door shut right before Adrian could enter.
Entering their bedroom, Max finally but Joanna down to stand in front of him. He plucked the beanie from her head and threw it to the side, before opening her jacket and pulling it down her arms.
"Are you angry with me for talking a walk?" Joanna asked, which caused Max jaw to tighten. He didn't want to scream at her. He promised himself he never would, but sometimes, she had him so close to doing exactly that.
"That was a solo move." Max bit out between his teeth while he pulled off his own winter coat. He felt the cold which had creeped into his bones now, other than Joanna, he hadn't worn a beanie or a scarf.
"So, I'm not even allowed to go on a walk on my own anymore." She tried to protest, to turn this into a fight about liberty and personal freedom, but Max didn't know her just since yesterday. And he remembered very well where they found her. Joanna would have never even passed the rose garden if she would have just went on a normal walk.
"Don't play dumb." He warned her dangerously low, and so done with her for the day. He really had to be careful not to lose his temper with her now, despite being so on control of it usually. "We both know that it wasn't just a walk. You went out because you were in your head, you went to come up with a solution on your own." He accused and Joanna wasn't sure if he was right or not.
Pulling his hoodie over his head, he threw it into the direction of the chair in their bedroom before his own shirt followed, only to then reach for the hem of Joanna's pullover.
"I thought it finally went through your thick skull that we are a team and that we look for solutions for shit situations together." He went on, while he kicked off his shoes and got rid of his joggers, before reaching for Joanna, who stood a bit frozen in front of him.
She wasn't quite sure to what this was leading. Max was fury in that moment, and he was really having a go at her, but at the same time he was undressing her. Most likely to get her out of the freezing cold clothes and dress her in warmer things, and she was sure it would stay that way, as long as Max managed to keep his temper in check. Should he lose control over that, and even if it's just a tiny bit. This would end differently.
"We are an us. A unit if you so want. You and me. There are two people in us. You can memorise that with a little trick, there are two letters in us, just as two people." The Dutchman pointed out while she had sunk down to his knees, just to pull Joanna's boots and socks off.
"Max." Joanna warned, her hands on his shoulders to keep her steady. She understood that he was angry, but he was testing her own temper when he was talking to her as if she was stupid and he should know that by now.
"We are open and honest about everything now. No more solo tries to solve shit, and no more secrets. So, I refuse to make a secret out of how angry I am with you."
"Next time you think about risking your life, you would please fucking consider just to talk to me about whatever is going on in your head again. I would be very thankful for that."
"Max." She said again, but he was quick to cut her off.
"No." He told her, looking up at her with her steel blue eyes. "I am so fucking furious with you right now. I can barely look at you."
With that said, he returned his attention to undressing Joanna. He pulled down the pyjama pants, before lifting his shirt she was wearing as far as he could while kneeling before her, causing Joanna to take it, before she pulled it over her head. It found it's way to their other clothes before Joanna offered Max her hand to help him to his feet, causing him to rise taller than her. She wasn't sure if she liked the slight hight difference which had him looking down at her now.
Joanna held Max's gaze. He might be furious, but she was always better at playing games, so Joanna said the one thing she was sure was pressing all of Max's buttons at the same time.
"Then don't." The Austrian said simply.
Joanna waited, the challenge clear and Max seemed to consider what he wanted more. A serious conversation for once, or to take up the challenge and make her pay for even thinking she could challenge him in the first place. The decision was fairly easy.
Max stepped forward, his eyes on her which forced Joanna to step back a slightly smaller step so she would still be able to look at him. She had to admit that Max could be intimidating when he just starred at her with that murderous glance in his eyes, approaching her slowly.
"Behave." Max told her, and Joanna knew very well that he hated it when he was angry, and Joanna made a joke of it all. Teasing him a bit.
Joanna didn't say anything which caused Max to take another step forward so Joanna's back collided with the door behind herself. Her eyes were still on Max's, who dared to smirk, only to settle his hand over Joanna's throat and lean in to whisper in her ear.
"Last chance to reconsider." He told her, his head staying where it was, but Joanna dared to snort.
"I have a picture of you in just your boxershorts holding two trophies like the dork you are framed on my bedside table. You can't intimidate me." He shot back, which caused Max to pull away, so he could look at her, before shrugging.
"Fine." He told her, his hand leaving her throat as if he suddenly didn't care at all any longer and as he turned away from her, for a moment, Joanna was confused by the situation, but then he turned around to face her again. Only to quickly bend down and reach for her thighs before throwing her over his shoulder which caused Joanna to squeal surprised.
"I warned you."
"You sure did." Joanna replied, which caused Max to give her a spank on the arse.
"Max." She complained instantly. Trying to lift herself up to see better with her hands braced against his shoulder, but her hair was falling into her face as he intentionally jousted her around a bit while carrying her to the bed. Before throwing her on it.
"Last change, schat. Apologize." Max told her in a sing-song voice, while Joanna scootched up on the bed, throwing her hair back and propping herself up on her elbows.
"Or what? Are you going to spank the apology out of me?" She challenged again. Knowing that that was the last thing Max wanted to hear now, while he looked away from her and let out a huff, as if he couldn't believe the little shit he was to marry.
"You would like that, wouldn't you?" He asked her, as he started to crawl up her body, until he was hovering over her, his hands supporting his weight left and right from Joanna's head, while he sat down on her hips, careful not to hurt her.
Joanna said nothing, she just watched Max while she let her fingers brush against the muscle of his chest, while he lowered his head to let the tip of his nose brush over her temple, causing her to turn her head so Max's lips were hovering right over hers.
"No." He then suddenly said and reached for her taille with one arm while allowing himself to slip in behind her. "I will follow your advice." Max let her know pulling Joanna against his chest from where he was laying behind her, and taking her chin between his fingers as she tried to look at him to direct her face to look away from him.
"What do you think you're doing?" Joanna asked calmly while she allowed Max's hands to pull her closer, his face buried in her neck, holding her close and making her feel protected.
"Warming you up without having to look at you." Max replied easily, while Joanna moved one of her hands backwards and settled it in Max's neck, holding him in place.
<><><>
Panting hard, Joanna pushed her hair out of her face, only to then feel Max's hand coming around her torso before reaching her side to turn her around so she was laying on her back while the Austrian turned her head to look at the Dutchman who was watching her with intense eyes. Checking if she was okay.
"Now you're looking at me again." Joanna said lovingly before laughing which caused Max to huff in annoyance, before telling her to better shut the fuck up or he would make her.
"I told you that a million times already, but I will say it again, because it really seems like I have to." Max began to speak while moving Joanna around in his arm so they could lay together comfortably. "When you're so deep in her head, when your mind takes you to a dark place again, you tell me. I will get you to snap out of it."
"How so?" Joanna wondered which caused Max to give her a look.
"I don't know about you, but I am pretty sure what I just did was rather effective." He pointed out. "If you need me to make you turn your head off and just let me take control, I will. You just need to tell me."
"I will, I promise." Joanna told Max, who leaned over to kiss her softly, before they caught some sleep as long as Emma would have an eye on their baby boy before Henry would wake up and give them a run for their money once more.
<><><>
"Have you talked to Adrian?" Joanna asked sitting on the bed, waiting for an answer from Max, who was finally storing away the ironed clothes he had promised to store away three days ago.
"No, about what?" Max quizzed, which caused Joanna to make a face at Henry, who giggled instantly, causing Joanna to smile as well, before she cuddled their baby boy against her chest.
"I can't imagine you were nice to him." Joanna said, even though Max had never before not been respectful towards Adrian even when the old Austrian fucking annoyed him sometimes, but Emma had mentioned as Joanna had come down to reassure everyone that she was well after her nap with Max, that she worried that she didn't do the right thing as she stood in between Adrian and Max, causing Joanna to force her to tell her what had happened.
"I might have not used the nicest words. I will talk to him later." Max promised Joanna which caused her to thank him shortly, before she got up from the bed and moved into the bathroom with Henry which caused Max to pause. There was something he wanted to address but was unsure if the timing was fitting, but he would never know if he didn't ask.
"You're going to wear a white dress, right?" Max asked leaning against the bathroom door while he watched over his fiancée's shoulder as she prepared to bath their son.
He had considered what to wear himself for quiet some time and always came up with the same thing. Something that fitted well to Joanna's white dress, but as he thought about it, he realised that the Austrian hadn't mentioned that she was looking for a dress just yet, which Max might have mentioned on the phone to Victoria, who had an opinion on that as well. She was sure that Joanna would have picked a dress by now, should she actually want to get married in March before the season starts. According to his sister, it would take ages to find a dress that was keeping up with Joanna's expensive taste and the details she would surely want, not even to speak of the changes any dress would need to fit as if it was designed to Joanna's body.
Max didn't bother to tell his sister, that Joanna would very much marry him happily in jeans and t-shirt any day and that it was him, who pushed for a big white wedding, because he wouldn't let the opportunity to see Joanna in a white wedding dress walking down the aisle towards him, go just like that. But as usually, his sister's words got stuck in his head, causing him to wonder as to why Joanna hadn't went shopping for a dress just yet.
Joanna hadn't expected that question, not when for once the preparations for the wedding weren't a topic, causing her to look over her shoulder at Max's while balancing Henry on her lower arms, with her hands cradling his head carefully.
"What else would I be supposed to wear?" She wanted to know, an amused smile playing around her lips, which caused Max to push himself away from the door he was leaning against to walk over to the sink, in which Henry thankfully still fitted just fine.
"I was just wondering. The wedding is in three months, and you don't have a dress yet. Most brides would lose it by now." Max pointed out, causing Joanna to look away from him and direct all her attention back to Henry, who was looking up at her with his bright and clear blue eyes, while his mother bit her lip gently. Before turning her head slightly to look at her soon to be husband, that was now standing next to her, watching her carefully as she bathed their son. A task Max seemed deadly afraid off since what had happened the last time he had done so.
"I'm not like most brides, Schat." Joanna told him, a smile on her lips. The Dutch nickname Max had for her, somehow also slipped into her vocabulary when she was addressing him.
It's not that she didn't want to look for a dress. Well, originally, she would have preferred to marry Max in their race suits. She thought that would have been something and something Joanna would have been very comfortable with, but she yielded to Max's wish and was now planning a big wedding. Not because she wanted one, her side of the church would be rather empty, if they would do the traditional one side of the church being the family and friends of the groom, the other of the bride. Hell, she didn't even have someone to bring her down the aisle. But because Max wanted to see her in a white dress, because he wanted her to walk down the aisle towards him, because he wanted to dance as husband and wife for the first time in front of everyone they knew, which terrified Joanna a bit. She wasn't a good dancer, Max would have to lead her through that.
Max wanted all these things, and Joanna wouldn't deny him that. The Austrian felt like she had already denied him enough for one lifetime. She would wear a white dress and walk down the aisle and dance with and let him feed her their wedding cake. She would do it all, because she loved Max. But all that didn't change the fact, that despite having befriended the thought of marrying the love of her life in a white dress, she didn't want to go and pick a dress.
"I know." He uttered after stepping behind her and wrapping his arms around her middle before pressing a kiss to the crown of her head, before pressing another one to the top of her shoulder.
"I just don't want you to get stressed about it later on." He added and it was more than just sensible.
"Don't worry." Joanna knew that it was time to pick a dress, actually, she was already late, just as Max expected but there was still this elephant in the room that kept her from doing it. Should someone hear that she hadn't picked a dress yet, that she hadn't even went shopping, they might think she got cold feet, but this had nothing to do with Max, or how ready Joanna was to get married.
It was the process of picking a dress itself, that stopped her so far. Most brides went to buy a dress with their mother, sisters if they had any and bride's maids. Joanna had no one and normally the Austrian wouldn't mind at all. Max was her family, but this was the one thing, she couldn't ask of him, not when he wanted the big surprise when she walked down the aisle. Joanna couldn't ask him to accompany to pick out a wedding dress. But she also had no family to come with her, only her brother and he was the least bit interested in dresses, Joanna wouldn't do that to him. Another option would be to ask her future sister and mother-in-law, but neither of the women actually liked Joanna and she felt like they would think of her as pathetic for asking in the first place.
Since Max took her back, Joanna didn't feel lonely for a single day, not like she used to feel as a child, but now that she was faced with the task of picking out a wedding dress, she did feel lonely. There were a few friends, who would come along without doubt, but asking Sebastian to come to Austria just for a few hours to pick a dress was ridiculous and she didn't want any conflicting feelings so asking Daniel wasn't an option either. Actually, the traditional way would be asking female friends, but Joanna didn't really have any. Pia was Max's friend, and Joanna felt like the Italian would find it strange should Joanna ask, Kiwi was long gone, and Emma was working for her. In the end, she came up with no one, once more.
"Can you dry him off and get him dressed?" Joanna then asked, which caused Max to look over her shoulder at Henry, who was looking up to his parents a delighted expression on his face, holding onto his foot with one hand, while using the other to splash around some water, before he nodded against the back of her shoulder and got a towel.
"I wanted to go shopping actually." Joanna added as she manoeuvred their son into Max's arms, who was already waiting with the towel, before she smiled gently at Henry and booped the tip of his nose, causing him to let out another sound of delight.
"For a wedding dress, by any chance?" Max wanted to know, a smirk playing around his lips, thinking he achieved what he wanted, and he did, but Joanna wouldn't tell him that. Not that it took him asking about it, for her to actually take herself together and go buy a stupid white dress. Of course, she wouldn't tell him that either.
"Maybe." Joanna replied. "I want to take Henry with me. He will need a fitting outfit for his parents' wedding." She added, but Max considered her words for a moment, before she shook his head.
"Shouldn't I take him with me then? So, he matches my outfit?" He hadn't thought about dressing Henry for the wedding before to be honest, but now that Joanna had addressed it, Max really wanted their son to wear an outfit matching his fathers.
"You want to go shopping with Henry?" Joanna asked in disbelief. It's not like Max wouldn't take Henry everywhere he went.
Last week, he wanted to take him with him to Salzburg to an event at the Hanger 7. It took Joanna solid twenty minutes to make Max see that an end of the season interview with Helmut and Christian present, just as about 300 fans in close proxy wasn't fitting for their baby boy just yet. In the end, Max had boarded the helicopter with a pound on his face, only for Joanna to kiss him again, before rolling her eyes and waving from the door with Henry's tiny fist, while Max took off.
Honestly, Max was a bit awful in that aspect. He barely went anywhere without their son. Yesterday as Joanna had a meeting in her office at home with Matthias, Max came in under the disguise of greeting his soon-to-be brother in law, but not five minutes later, he had stolen Henry from his pram, who had been peacefully sleeping, standing by the office desk next to his mother, only to take him out for a fun ride in the forest, in the rally car Joanna had presented Max with for his birthday. Not only was it dangerous despite the special child safety seat which Max had bought only for that purpose, in which their baby boy was way more restrain than in the normal child safety seat they had for normal purposes. Max had also ignored Henry's nap time and had left the bigger part of the forest in a state, Patrick had a lot of troubles not to complain about.
"Yeah, he's my mate, we do everything together." Max laughed, which caused Joanna to roll her eyes, knowing that should she leave Henry to Max, the Dutchman would do something she wouldn't approve of, but he thought would be fun while she was away. But if Henry was only the least bit like his father, he would enjoy it anyways.
"Alight, won't stop you from going shopping with your mate." Joanna agreed, before leaving her boys to change into a top that wasn't dripping with how wet it was and getting her things.
As she did come downstairs, Max was balancing Henry on his arm, while he spoke to Adrian, who seemed unhappy about something, but both men instantly stopped talking as they noticed Joanna approaching causing her to lift an eyebrow. But as she saw what Max had dressed Henry in, there was no question to what the two were talking about mere moments before any longer. Their baby boy looked dashing in his tiny Red Bull race suite.
"Go on, but don't overdo it. He's still barely older than a newborn." Joanna told him warningly, causing Max to smile at her brightly, before kissing her lips.
"You are the best." He told his soon-to-be wife, who already regretted that she allowed this rally trip through the forest that belonged to the Lauda estate. "Drive safely, schat. And let me know when you're back. We should still decorate the tree today." Max added, before kissing Joanna goodbye, who reminded him that he had to dive safely as well, only to receive a huff from the Dutchman, who was already walking towards the garage.
"Keep an eye on them." Joanna told Adrian, who nodded dutifully, before telling her, that he always did. The Austrian gave him a soft smile and squeezed his upper arm as she was about to step away, but she just managed a single step, before grimacing as she remembered something. "Oh, and please warn Patrick. I'm afraid he won't like it."
<><><>
"I... I will hold the little one." Adrian said, after allowing his eyes to move from one box filled with Christmas decorations to the next, before he glanced at Joanna, who was balancing a sleeping Henry in one arm, while hanging the golden Christmas bauble Emma had just handed her onto the tree, causing both females to turn around to look at the old Austria, looking unsure about all the commotion in the House while Joanna and Max were present to witness it all.
He preferred to do tasks which required a larger group of the household staff when Joanna and Max were out. These kinds of things just had tradition. The household staff would not be seen making changes especially for Christmas. Usually, they decorated the entire house in the time the members of the family went to church on the first Sunday in December, but things have changed over the years and the generations of Laudas which lived in the house. Niki Lauda never visited the church on Sundays which is why the household staff had little time to make changes while not be seen, but they managed.
Now Joanna Lauda introduced new traditions with her soon-to-be husband and Adrian did his best to tolerate their doing without too many words of complain. It was their house, their home, even though Adrian already lived here for nearly 60 years.
"He's sleeping fine, it's no trouble really. You can help us decorate the tree." Joanna said, only to receive a sceptical look from Adrian. He would tolerate that Joanna and Max took a role in decorating the house, but he surely wouldn't. It was his task to overlook everything, not to actually take part in it.
"I would prefer not to. And I would prefer if you would stop this too!" Adrian said but the second part was a bit panicked and directed at Max, Patrick and David. Who were using the ladder on top of the stairs to hung up the light decoration. They did that every year. One of them holding the ladder and handing up the lights while the other was sitting standing on the highest rung of the ladder, stretching to install the lights. Adrian never had a problem with that before, until this year, where Max decided to help as well. Now him being the one on top of the ladder while Patrick handed him the lights and David held onto the ladder. It made the old Austrian quiet nervous, because while never admitting it openly due to it not being it his place to say anything, he liked the Dutchman. His deep care for Joanna and their boy. He was a good father as well despite his age, and more than anything else, he saw the Lauda House as the home of all of them. In the young Dutchman's book, they were one big family. It was a refreshing approach.
"Everything is under control, Adrian." Max answered in sing-song tone while holding the plastic part of the screwdriver between his teeth, both hands working. To him Adrian sometimes felt like a nagging grandfather, to who he had apologised before Joanna had returned, so it was out of the world before long.
"If he falls forward and down onto the ground floor. He will break his neck and this child will be half an orphan." Adrian told Joanna as he stepped over to her. Standing behind her talking over her shoulder as he did so often. As he was used to from serving first her grandfather and then her father.
"He's not going to fall. David and Patrick are making sure of that." Joanna assured him while Emma worked on her own on the Christmas tree.
Joanna had wanted to put it up in the great hall, they even pushed the cars around and installed a little sitting corner in front of the ancient chimney by the tree. It looked all very well, even though it was completely against Adrian's will who hadn't stopped huffing and puffing since they started to decorate the house three days ago, despite him saying that he would tolerate everything the members of the Lauda family decided on doing.
Max had told him even that there was no need to supervise them, that they had no problem with him going downstairs or to his room for a cup of tea or coffee while they worked which caused the old Austrian to nod, even though he did not leave them. His eyes sharply on them.
"Your father always used to say that the Gardener in the house is a bad omen." Adrian pointed out while eying the decoration as if it had personally offended him.
"It's freezing outside." Joanna argued. "Patrick is as much a part of this household as you and I are. And my father wasn't always right." The younger Austrian reminded him, while giving Adrian a sharp glance. She did understand his will of keeping rules in order, but some were just outdated and she wouldn't allow him to act unkind towards any member of the household just because it always was like that.
"No, but most of the time." Adrian uttered under his breath, before he finally turned around and moved into the direction of the front door, causing Joanna to roll her eyes, before accepting the Christmas bauble Emma was handing her with a kind and thankful smile.
<><><>
"Dress shopping went well?" Max quizzed Joanna over an unusual quiet dinner, which caused her to hum, before she realised that he had been asking a question, only for her to glance at him, trying to read his face. A very sceptical face, with a mind behind it, that was very aware that something was wrong.
"Uh, yes. A lot of options. You know." Joanna said after a moment, the neutral look that stayed that way told Joanna that her hit into the dark had found its target. If it wouldn't have, Max would have scuffed or sighed or gave her one of his looks.
"You seem rather in your thoughts. Again." Yeah, because she was, which is also why the Austrian hadn't asked her fiancé why he was asking if the shopping trip had gone well.
"It's not easy to pick a dress." Joanna agreed, while gesturing with her fork, the piece of broccoli moving in front of her on the fork. It distracted Max enough for the Dutchman to reach out and settle his hand over hers, stilling it.
"Something else you would like to discuss? In a conversation consisting of more than just snappy one liner." The Dutchman asked, causing Joanna to swallow, before shaking her head.
"I'm not snappy." Joanna replied instantly. "And no ... Not over dinner." She told him, thinking that the Dutchman wanted to address one of the topics on their list, but Max was just concerned. Joanna seemed so far away, despite sitting right next to him. Having dinner while Henry was already asleep. Max wondered if a baby should sleep as much as their boy did, but Joanna and Emma both assured him that it was perfectly healthy.
"Look, I'm just tired, okay? This has nothing to do with you or us in any way. I just need a good night's rest and I will be up to the challenge tomorrow again." The Austrian added upon seeing the hurt expression Max tried to mask but in front of Joanna, he failed. She could read him like a book wide open, the pages almost inviting her to investigate, to learn, to know and be known.
"What are you bracing yourself for?" Max wondered, causing Joanna to give him a displeased look. She didn't get why he couldn't just let it go. "What challenge are you talking about?"
"Finding the perfect dress." She replied, because it was the easiest thing to say.
Yes, she was feeling down tonight, but it won't be anything she wouldn't have swallowed until tomorrow. It was nothing she would allow to put her down any more, once she had liked her wounds and felt sorry for herself a little while. Joanna just wanted an evening with Max, the only person she didn't have to be strong around all the time. He was the one, she could be truly herself with, but that also came with a downside. Max would never let things just go. His care for Joanna was too deep for that.
The Dutchman always felt the need to address every mood swing, every little inconvenience because his own parents never addressed anything and the last thing Max would ever want, was for him and Joanna to turn out like his parents. So, he talked, despite not being comfortable with having to talk himself, but that didn't stop him from nagging Joanna until she would tell him what made her heart heavy. Because he felt like he needed to know which battles she was fighting, no matter how small or insignificant they felt to Joanna.
Max's question felt like heavy stones in the pit of her stomach, crushing her organs with every movement, with every breath. He was right, she was bracing herself. For going through another one in a lifetime experience of herself alone, because apart from Max, she was utterly and completely alone. Buying a dress made her face the fact that Max was the only soul on this planet who truly and readily loved her and still liked her well enough to be with her.
That was the strange thing with love. Joanna knew she was loved, by many. Many she didn't even know, but the once who loved and did know her, she felt couldn't stand being around her any longer. Daniel loved her, Joanna knew that, but he didn't really like her, which Joanna was confused by. It was a strange concept, but on the other hand it was also so easy to feel when she was around people. They loved her, they truly did, but they could barely tolerate her.
Joanna Lauda was bracing herself for being alone, left behind. Forgotten.
She didn't want to tell Max that looking for a dress had been sad affair. There was no mother to help her pick, not even an aunt to guide her as a substitute. She had bravely walked in and endured the looks of pity she wasn't used to any longer. It wasn't a big deal, that she had no parents anywhere else, no one cared that most of her friends were guys and lived far away. She never cared, but standing there, in this lovely shop in this beautiful wedding dress in front of a mirror, Joanna wished that someone would be there with her. That she wouldn't feel so lonely, taking this step alone.
The Austrian had tried dress for dress. One more beautiful than the other, more unique than the next but with every dress, with every time she had to leave the fitting room to go and look at herself in the big mirror, the loneliness in her heart made her grow colder while her throat seemed to close off all on itself. It had been an experience Joanna wouldn't have wished to have to live through but for Max, she would. For him, she would do anything.
"Fine, okay. Let's pretend I believe that, if you really don't want to talk about whatever is weighing you down." Max said, with a throw away gesture, before he picked up his fork and knife to cut his steak. Only to then stop and exhale slowly, before looking over at Joanna, who was stubbornly watching the broccoli on her fork.
"Schat, look. I see that this isn't a good moment, since you aren't in a good mood, but I have to tell you at some point, so why not straight away." Max addressed, causing Joanna to glance at the Dutchman, who took a pause in speaking to chew on his piece of steak properly, using the time to think of how to address this, before he swallowed. His gaze finding Joanna's steel blue eyes instantly.
"Go on." Joanna encouraged, not because she wanted to know whatever Max had to tell her, but because she hated when there was something between them, which was rich coming from her, who kept information to herself as well, just as her feelings. Joanna just really didn't want Max to pity her, to see how pathetic she was. Unable to maintain relationships of any kind.
"My mother called." Max admitted, only for Joanna's jaw to already tighten.
"Today?" Joanna asked. "Of course, she did." She muttered under her breath as she pushed her chair back only to bring her still half full plate into the kitchen just a few steps away, causing Max to lean back in his chair, so he could watch her go.
"What is that supposed to mean?" He wanted to know, only to earn himself a snort from his soon-to-be wife.
"Nothing. Just ... just great." The Austrian said as she returned while Max had crossed his arms over his chest, ready to get offended on his mother's behalf, even though there was hardly anything Joanna could do or say without offending Max's mother greatly. Sophie just didn't like Joanna and neither did Victoria. Which, honestly, fair enough. But it was still annoying as fuck to the Austrian. The nagging mother-in-law, she could have done without that.
"Hey, stop." Max told Joanna, taking hold of her wrist while she was reaching for her glass once she returned to the dinner table to clean away more tableware. "What is going on with you? It's been some time since I've seen you this worked up and out of sorts. And I am deeply worried, you had a hard week. And I feel like you're shutting me out rather than letting me help you."
"I don't have a wedding dress. I didn't pick one today and I might never will." Joanna admitted, before she slumped down on her chair, causing Max to let go of her wrist, only to move closer to her. His hand coming to rest on her upper arm.
"Why?" He wondered, but the Austrian stayed silent for a long moment. "J, tell me why? Don't you want to get married anymore. There is no rush if we need more time." He pressed on, causing the former Mercedes driver to shake her head.
"I... No, that's the last thing I want." She told him, her eyes finding his, telling him that she was telling him the truth. Joanna loved him, she wanted to marry him, that wasn't the problem, but there was a problem. A deep rooting one.
"Then what's going on, hm?" He tried to cox out of her, causing Joanna to duck her head slightly, her fingers reaching for the napkin to have something to busy her fingers with.
"You are all I have." Joanna admitted and for a moment, Max didn't know what to make of that. He knew that Joanna's father was gone and that her mother would never be in the picture, but Max didn't think that Joanna thought of him as all she had. There were so many people, who loved her dearly. He never considered Joanna would ever think that he was the only one in her corner, because it was simply not true.
"I don't see how that ..." He began to talk, but Joanna was quick to talk over him. Her normal so gracefully calmness running out instantly.
"There is no one else!" She nearly exclaimed to make him understand, suddenly making her feel so much younger than she was. Joanna had something of a misunderstood child, when she was upset like this. "I have no father to guid me down the aisle, I have no sister to help me pick flowers or a mother to buy a dress with. I have to do all of that alone, because for once I can't just rely on you."
"You can always rely on me." Max promised instantly, despite knowing that that wasn't the issue at hand. Knowing that relying on each other was not the problem for so long between them by now. It felt almost foreign.
"I won't take you along to pick a dress." The Austrian said strongly and with finality in her voice and honestly, Max didn't want to come along, he wanted to be surprised but he would, to make it easier for Joanna.
"I went dress shopping on my own and it was fucking pathetic, and I grew more and more miserable with every dress I tried. At the end, all I wanted to do was cry." Joanna admitted, her feelings and emotions laying at their feet, bare and open. Hurt and tender.
"Schat." Max tired, despite knowing that the only thing that normally brought her back down when she got it all twisted up was physical touch. A tight hug, lingering kisses to her shoulders and forehead.
"No, Max please. Don't say something sweet now." She pleaded with him. "I just want to wallow a bit in self-pity. I will get up tomorrow again, I promise, but for now, I would like to remain on the floor."
Silence settled over them, in which Max tried to come up with something to say. Something to untwist all of this and calm her down, but before he could say anything, Joanna took a deep breath, held it for a moment before she exhaled. Another moment later, she was looking at him with her neutral expression again.
"Was there a reason why your mother called?" Joanna said levelled, nothing of the emotions from before mirroring in her expression. She had swallowed it all down, never to return but her eyes had dulled a bit. She seemed exhausted and Max hated it.
"She wanted to know how things are going. I told her about the cake testing between Christmas and new year. She would like to come, help with picking out things or taking care of Henry while you are busy." Max told her, which would have normally turned into a big fight.
"I am never too busy to be with Henry." Joanna started her tone neutral, just to remind Max of that fact, even though he knew. He nodded, nevertheless, because he felt like at the moment, his Austrian needed him to reassure her. To make her feel that not everything was as uncertain as it sometimes felt.
But all that did nothing to change the fact that Joanna hated that Sophie came over like a whirlwind and tried to change things Max and herself had already agreed upon. Like getting married in the garden of the Lauda House. Sophie had tried to change the location to the church in which Max and Victoria was christened, which might have been a sweet idea but another location than the Lauda House was never up for discussion and Joanna really would have wished for Sophie to accept that after they told her that instead of fighting on to push an idea upon them, neither Max nor Joanna wanted. The Austrian felt like the presence of Sophie would only make things more difficult.
If Sophie and Victoria for that matter would just want to come and visit to help with the preparations, Joanna would be totally fine with that, but she knew that things wouldn't go smoothly for long. Not when they had their own vision for Max's wedding. A vision which seemed to be rather different from the vision Max and Joanna had for their wedding.
"But I ... yes. Sure. She's your mother, if she wants to, I'm not stopping her. I will tell Adrian to prepare a room in time." With that said, Joanna got up from her seat, this time, Max let her. Watching silently as Joanna moved through the living room down the corridor, most likely to check on Henry. The Austrian made a habit out of checking on their baby boy whenever she was distressed.
<><><>
"Are you awake?" Max asked as he joined Joanna on their bed, the lights on her bedside table were turned off, while she was wrapped into the sheets, her body facing away from his, while Max moved closer, his hand coming to rest on her hip while he leaned over her to see her face better.
"Yeah." Joanna breathed out, before she turned to lay on her back, able to look at Max, who was watching her with worry in his eyes.
"Are you alright?" Max then asked, which caused the Austrian to sigh. Has she truly ever been? Sometimes Joanna felt like Max had gotten damaged good but was too attached to send it back. Sometimes, she felt so guilty because he loved her.
"I think I never was." Joanna admitted the truth, as if that would do anything but weight now additionally on Max's shoulders too. The Austrian didn't fully understand why the new no-secret-policy was a good thing. Not when it seemed to hurt so much more.
"Let me help you." Max then said and Joanna wanted to ask how he thought he could possibly help her. Because honestly, she thought that she was just the creation of her own decisions, and she couldn't just change that.
She can't go back and change all the little details that made her her. There was no saving her. All Max would be able to do was help her get rid of the body she once called herself and help her construct a new person, a person that would be good for Max. A person that would be deserving of him, but Joanna found that she doesn't want that. She didn't want to change her entire being to be easier to stomach. Max had fallen in love with her the way she was all these years ago. She feared that watering down her existence would make him slowly loose the love he held for her and by now, Joanna Lauda was too selfish to ever let go of him.
They were endgame.
"Sex is helping to turn off my head for a while, but it's not a solution to everything, Max." Joanna told her soon-to-be husband, a weak try to tease him, to make him smile, but Max smiled rarely at the moment. When he did then only briefly before worry came in like a flood.
"That's not the only thing I can do. From now on, when you can't sleep, you wake me." He began strongly, but Joanna would never do that. She didn't want to share all these sleepless nights with Max. Not when he needed the rest, just as she would need it.
"Max, no." Joanna started, but Max was quick to stop her.
"You wake me. Promise." He forced her, which caused the Austrian to reach up to let her fingers brush over his cheek.
"I promise." She swore, but already planned on ignoring it. It was weak of her, but she didn't want to be a burden to Max any more than she already was. Joanna was already sick of depending on him to help her so much. She hated that she felt like a student in her own relationship while Max felt like the mentor that had the answer to every question.
"I feel like that's the second topic we can scratch from the list, no? No more solo moves." God bless him for his optimism, but Joanna feared they were far from that.
"I think you're being too hasty. There are million of things I haven't told you about just yet. There are a few things I don't want to tell you." She admitted quietly, but of course Max heard her.
"Why?" He quizzed.
"It will hurt."
"To hear them?"
"To say them."
Silence settled over them for a moment in which Max was at a loss of words. He didn't quiet know what to say. Wasn't prepared for this. But Max was rarely prepared for what was really going on deep inside of Joanna. He had seen a glimpse of the darkness once or twice, but Joanna was always quick to reign it back in. To take control of it again. Max feared the day on which Joanna won't manage to do so. He was afraid that that would be the day he would lose her.
"I thought as you told me about Mark, the worst part would be behind us now." He admitted after a while in which the pair laid together in silence. They weren't fighting each other anymore. Not after realising that there was so much more they had to fight together. For their son, for their future.
"I fear we've just scratched the surface, honestly. I'm afraid you don't know me and once you learn all these things, I fear you won't want me anymore."
"I will always love you." The promise felt weak, as if Max said it because he was at a loss of words, despite knowing that he said it because he meant it. Max only ever said things because he meant them. He wasn't a player.
"That's the thing." Joanna uttered. "Many people love me, you are the only one who also likes me."
"That's not true." As usual, he was quick to defend her. Her own critic the harshest Joanna had ever faced. Not even her father could best her in that.
"It is. It really is." The Austrian muttered.
"I don't want to ask you what you've done if that's going to hurt you, but do I need to know?" Joanna wanted to say no. Of course not. These secrets were well kept and with reason hidden. But Max deserved more than that.
"About one or two things, yes." She admitted truthfully. "Honestly, I would prefer the other things to stay buried."
"Then tell me what I need to know when it comes to it. One thing at a time. I don't need to know every skeleton in your closet personally." That thought nearly made Joanna smile. She imagined a bunch of skeletons sitting around a table as if she was playing tea party and Max was the only living, who was allowed to come to the party as well. He wouldn't like it. Joanna was sure of it.
"There is this child, a little girl. I pay for her education." Joanna said, before glancing at her wedding ring. Max would have to learn about this. He would have to go on and take care of her should something ever happen to Joanna. He needed to know the truth, no matter how angry he would be with her for keeping it a secret for so long. Joanna could trust Max, he was her person.
"She's Jules' daughter and I am the only one who knows about her existence."