very long chapter ahead
ABHIMAAN RAJVANSH:
18 YRS thats how long I have been in love with her ....and I'm most certain that i am going to be in love with her forever...and ever and ever.....My Amara ...My heart...My soul....
she holds power over everything that belongs to me ...even my breathing ...though it might sound funny..if she ever feels that my breathing is effecting her in any way and causing any oxygen deficiency to my Amara ...I will happily stop breathing too....
Nothing...I mean nothing is important to me than her...thats only few words of how whipped I'm for her...and only her...U guys might think ...why didn't I ever propose to her...why didn't I express her my feelings...
She was just 3 yrs old when I first saw her...I was ten years old at that time...as weird as it seems...she was the only one that bought smile to my my ten year old face ....while I stopped smiling when I was 3 yrs old ....becoz of my trauma ...I almost forgot how it feels to be genuinely happy and to be smiling heartfully...but then entered my little Amara ...
She came into my dark life with her cute little innocence and lit my world up with her sunshine like smile ....which as weird as it might sound made my heart skip even when I was just 10 years old ...
And her smile and her still holds the same effect on me ...and that is going to be inevitable till the eternity....
I still remember our first meet like it happened just yesterday...
FIRST MEET:
I was sitting in our house's garden looking into the surrounding lake just like everyday...reminscing my good ole memories before the tragedy happened ....
Then a cute little pair of feet came into my vision bringing me out of my thoughts...just as I was frowning at the unfamiliar feet....the most cutest face I have ever seen in my ten year old life came face to face to me...she was leaning into my face and looking at it closely
Then suddenly ..a her soft little palm was placed on my cheek....while she spoke "Are u ok?"
Thats it the genuine innocence and concern in that two year olds voice made me remember that ...its been so long that I have ever got to experience someones genuine concern about me...so fucking long...
And as week cry baby that I may strike u guys eyes...my eyes were filled with tears and and little Amara seemed to observe that...as she questioned "Why are u crying?Are u sad?Did anyone bully u?" looking innocently at me..
I tried to blink them back becoz crying makes me look weak...thats what the ten year old me thought and maybe I think the same even now...but thats the discussion for later ...
Then she did something that I have never expected ...she held my face in her tiny little palms and kissed my forehead ...and thats not an innocent little peck which lasts for half a second...its a lingering kiss...that legit lasted for a full 4 seconds....which made my attempts of holding back my tears futile and a lone tear escaped my right eye...feeling the warm pair of lips on my forehead
Then she went back and looked into my face again, wiped my tear that just flowed out of my eye and said "Mumma gives me and papa forehead kiss when we are sad for five seconds and we feel good.."while cutely showing her palm indicating 5 with her fingers...
That made me frown....becoz she did only for 4 seconds ...then the childish me quetioned "what?But u kissed only for 4 seconds "..
She fowned her cute eye brows and said firmly"No...I did it for 5 seconds ...1..2...3...5..." closing each finger of her open palm... as she said those ...and her face twisted in confusion as she observed that one finger remained open even after she counted five ....
I then boasted..."See...I said right? U forgot to count four ..", Then her face lit up with understanding of where she had gone wrong ...she then ...cutely tapped her forehead with her palm while clicking her tounge"Uffo...sorryyy..."...
But me being the needy idiot who craved for love ...demanded "I will accept ur sorry only if u kiss me again ....do it right this time ...this time I will count the seconds ..u can stop when i conted tiill 5...understand?"
To this ,she pouted and nodded her head eagerly...much to my delight ...then I counted "Ready...1...2...3....start"....she held my face again and began kissing my forehead...lingering her lips a bit more firmer than earlier ..while I counted the numbers slowly...very slowly...very very slowly....
As I unwillingly counted the number 5...she withdrew from it and her face broke into a wide toothy grin ...showcasing her little milky tooth...which made my 10 year old heart skip a beat and also bought an uncontrollable grin to my lips ...
Then I saw her going through the tragedy all alone and my strong girl was able to hold it up very maturely even when she was so small to understand what the death actually means ....
At first mom and dad told her that her parents are going to come back...but I being such an Idiot back then shouted at her after I saw her beleiving their words and trying to be happy...I dont want her to expect and hope for something that is never going to happen.
Becoz I know when hopes begin to shatter and u get acquainted with the cruel reality...ur heart shatters along with ur hopes....I never wanted the same thing to happen to my Amara...NEVER...
I shouted at her infront of everyone "They are freaking lying to you...ur parents are never gonna come back...accept it as soon as possible..."
This made Amara to break down into tears instantly running into mom's arms...making my heart squeeze causing me unbearable ache ...seeing her tears ....I felt guilty immediately ...but me being the akward bastard that I still am...I didn't know what to do ...so I silently went to my room unable to listen to her wails anymore as the pain in my heart is slowly becoming unbearable to me ....
I silently stood at the door of my room and my eyes started watering with agony...crying along with her ...then after some time I observed that the cries subsided ...I slowly made my way downwards to where they were...along with her favourite chocolate ..only to realise that I was already late ...My little brother already gave her a chocolate ...
I hid my chocolate in the pocket and hid away from her sight seeing her smiling a little at my brother....fearing that seeing me again might dampen her smile ...which I never wanted to happen....So I did what I felt was the best ...
I stood afar from her and watched four of them being cozy like a family ...and felt contented that she has got their back ..
The next day as I saw her eating at the dining table along with others ...I again turned my back to go back into my room ...just for her to come running to me and hugging me from back with her tiny little hands and saying ..."Sorry Abhii...pls don't me mad at me "..
And that made me understand that she misunderstood my guiltiness as anger...I stood still fearing that she would stop hugging me if I moved and uttered .."I am not angry at u..."...
This made her withdraw from the hug much to my dismay ...and she came to the side I was facing and asked delightedly "Really?"....To which I just nodded my head...and she hugged me again saying ..."Thank uuu"...delighting me once again and causing goosebumps arise all over my body and increasing my heartbeat like crazy...
That is how we made up back then....and I made sure to never ever rise my voice at her regardless of the situation...never again...never after seeing how her tears effected me..
And I grew over protective of her and never allowed anyone else to cause her tears while simultaneously ensuring that I was also never the one who bought tears in her eyes ...
To my utter delight she started feeling protected when I was near her and thus she always complains to me abot anything and everything...And slowly ...I was able to understand that It was never just protectiveness that I felt for her ...It never had been just that .
..
This realisation hit me hard when I listened Amara talking to her friends about her future life partner ...and the things he would do to her...when she was 14 yrs old ...This made me feel utterly uncomfortable and weird thinking of someone else getting to call her his ..
This is all because in my mind , I always have been refferring to her as MY AMARA ...this is when I have realised that I have always done this subconsciously...for me she had always been mine and I have always been and will always be hers ..
While I was dealing with my new found feelings for her...I began to avoid her as a fucking coward that I'm becoz I couldn't bring myself to face her ...and I felt ashamed becoz...Amara had always apparently considered me as her elder brother ...
So I wanted to get rid of this feelings ,so I decided to avoid her thinking that this would make me forget about my feelings ...and move on ..I began drowning myself in my studies ...and after few months ...I realised ...If I cotinued for few more days ...I would die of too much heart ache or might get into depression...
So ...I decided to accept and embrace my feelings towards her ...so ...I thought..as stupid as it sounds...I thought ,...though she sees me as her elder brother as of now ...If I worked hard and be successful in my life ...she will be inspired by me ...and then will fall in love with me ...becoz that is exactly what she wrote it in her diary about her alleged dream man ...
She wrote he should be bulky with muscles , study abroad(which idk why should he?),Be an inspirational figure for her and never look at any other woman except her ..
For being bulky...I began working out often ....studying abroad would be my next plan...being inspiring can happen when I am successful,never look at any other woman...thats an absolutely an easy task becoz I have never ever looked or focused on other woman other than my Amara ...becoz I was preoccupied by my responsibilities ,trauma and protecting my Amara...
And now that I have understood that I love Amara ...I would never ever do that ...I will just die a virgin gladly...even if she never accepted my feelings...becoz...for me ...though she wouldn't be mine..I will always and forever remain hers ...Moreover I hate physical contact anyways ...well except for Amara ofcourse...
The following year I Left for abroad for higher studies...hugging my crying Amara tightly the previous night and went to airport alone ...without informing anyone because...I know she will cry again and If by chance she asked me to stay back and not to go with her teary eyes ...me being a simp...will tear the ticket before she even takes the next breath...
When I return I thought I will be her potential dream man...but as always bad luck decided to declare its sincerity towards me because ...when I came back after 5 years i.e , after completing my MBA and established and developed AA group into a huge success by working day and night...Aand just as I was about to propose my Amara....
I have understood ...I was late ...once again...because I saw Amara ...my Amara accepting my brother's proposal ...just like that....My hopes had been shattered ...my heart is thrown to the ground and is stepped upon cruelly and it felt as if my heart would explode out of pain...
I should have understood the changing dyanmics ...when all the 1000s of msgs I sent to Amara were ignored and all the calls that I have made to her after the hectic day because listening to her voice would soothe my stress away and motivate me to work hard...were all unanswered..
Because of this ...me being deprived of her voice and her ...would listen to her old voice msgs ..videos and photos and cry myself to sleep of a very few hours unable to understand how to cope up with my longing for her which seemed to grow by each and every passing second...
If only I understood that back then...it would have pained a slightest bit less than it is paining now...beleive me I would be thankful to heavens if my pain decreased even 0.1%...that would be a great help...
The "yes" that I expected to listen ...I got to listen it from her...it's just that ...it was not said for me...but..for my brother...The happiness that I wanted to see in her eyes can be seen...but that wasn't because of me ...but becoz of my brother ...
The celebration that I wanted to make on her birthday was happening ...but that was not being made by me ...but him...Though I tried to soothe my wounded heart to understand that all that matters is her being happy and contended over the coming seconds ...It just didn't listen.
Each and every passing second while I'm seeing them being happy with other were causing me suffocation....even breathing began to become difficult form me ...And my usual crying sessions that I had while sleeping ...had doubled their duration...
And as usual...I again decided to avoid facing her and stayed mostly in my office drowning myself in my work...This time I did not do this to get over her...becoz I know for sure that it is imposible to do so.....
I avoided her this time because ...I couldn't avoid feeling jealous...when I saw her in his arms everyday ...and feel like that should have been me ...and I got scared that my envy would cause any neagative effect on their relationship and destroy my Amara's happiness...
So I decided to deal with my heart break alone and torturing myself with work...and just like that one year had passed...One year of their love nd my heart ache...
I Just saw my brother in my office and he said he wanted to discuss something with me ...and as I was about to dismiss him...he said it is related to Amara ....asking me to decide sparing some of time to him...
And then...he revealed the bomb on me ...that he is getting married ...to MY AMARA ...
Now that she is legally going to become his ...will calling her mine even in my mind be illegal?...I guess so?...Right?...And just while he is about to leave ...he said "I know u love her brother and u and I both know that u don't deserve her"..he smirked at me and pressed the remote on my table ...causing the image of amara appear on the blinds of my office room...
Having said that he left the room...ME who stood still like a robot until now and kept repeating his words in my mind...slowly looked at her face on the blinds and just like that...his words sinked into my mind...my knees gave up and I fell on the floor with a thud ...I then slowly began to choke on my breath and this choking turned into painful sobs ...these sobs grew louder from one to the next ...
If my PA veer enters the room now...he would witness his cold ,aloof ,compsed and indifferent boss....lying on the floor on his knees...sobbing his heart out with uncontrollable tears flowing through his eyes and beating the place above his heart with his fist expecting it to stop squeezing and release some of the pain that it holds ...and as he understood that it doent work ...he began to slowly soothe the place where he just had beaten while sobbing is making his voice hoarse....
After hours of sobbing and completely drying my eyes and throat ...I stumbled my way towards sink and washed my face harshly and came back and stood infront of her photo ..caressed her face with a feather like touch, smiled slightly...and spoke as if I'm speaking to her...."All my dreams about us will come true...but the only difference is that...I won't be there in any of them"....
.....................................................................................................................................note:This is all about todays part guys...the next part will be Ayaan pov
Few questions though....
do u think Abhimaan is toxic....?
How do u think will Ayaan be?
Why do u think Amara avoided Abhimaan's msgs and calls?