Why would we want
to be what we become
just to go back and undo
what we've done
~Papa Roach~
𝔼𝕧𝕚𝕝𝕪𝕟𝕟 ℙ𝕚𝕖𝕤𝕥
I HAD NO IDEA HOW LONG I'd been there. Finally I'd taken my life into my own hands and this was where it got me, it was pathetic. My tears stained my face, but were no longer pouring, it was a horrible feeling. The pain was gone now, I was numb, I'd lost whatever messed up game Kaz and Pekka were playing without even knowing it. I'd given up hope by now, Kaz couldn't save me, even if I wanted him to.
My ears rang with empty noise, the slightest airflow being the only sound in my dark room. The stench was horrible from my own vomit; my gut wrenched, my eyes stung, my lungs burned. If I was more than half conscious I would find it embarrassing.
The momentary blindness of light hitting my face made me realize someone was coming in. The heavy pattern footsteps made me realize it was the last person I wanted to see.
"Hello there, Rabbit." His voice rang horribly in my ears. He didn't use my stage name the same way Kaz did, Pekka said my name like a mocking curse, a knife to my gut. Reminding me he owned me. "Are you ready for your star role?"
I didn't move, my eyes trained on the blood stained floors.
"Stubborn are we? Come on love, a performer like you must miss the stage hm? The look on someones face when you do the impossible?"
I wasn't sure what came over me, maybe the last sane part of my brain had snapped, I mean it was only a matter of time. But I stared up at him with my dead hollow eyes, and spread a smile over my features, wide and broken. "I know a clown when I see one Mr Rollins." I began to laugh wildly, falling to my side, tears I didn't know I had spilled but it only made me crack up more.
I felt arms grab me and drag me out, it wasn't Pekka of course, he would never get his hands dirty. "Get her ready."
They took me into a type of bedroom and threw me onto the bed. What happened for the next few hours flew by, I was dressed in a white dress, corset pulling tight and covered in lace and red ribbons, but the infected, bloody wounds all over me stained it with every movement that I made. I stood there like a doll as they covered my face with a porcelain mask. The hands that flew over me hurt with every mild touch. They never fully stripped me down, but it was close enough that I could feel the eyes trailing my frame. If I'd been someone else maybe I would have hid, but I was confident in my body and numb to prying eyes. My life was a constant display of myself, in front of crowds no less. It didn't make me cower anymore, but it did make me careful.
Finally someone spoke directly to me, but of course it was him. "Perfect, aren't you excited?" He approached me, and through the poorly crafted mask I saw him bring his hand forward to touch my face. "You don't even realize what this means do you?" He laughed.
He motioned me forward, "come on girl, we have quite a show for Mr Brekker."
I didn't know what time it was till we stepped outside into the dark night air. If only I could have enjoyed it; the moonlight surrounding me, the pavement hitting my new ballet heels, the cold, fresh air on my skin. But instead it was a warning, everything was going downhill now.
I sat silently, as far from the hellish man before me. The carriage began to shudder, and we were moving. Bouncing lightly in our seats against the uneven roads. I lifted my head, smiling under my mask, but didn't speak.
We came to a sudden halt, and a hand gripped my arm once again. I followed the steps laid out for me, we were going into a financial building, it made no sense to me but I'm sure it would soon. The tie of the mask on the back of my head hurt, pulsing pain against the bruises scattered around my scalp.
Then, he threw open the door to one of the offices, and what I saw shook me. Kaz Brekker was standing over piles of papers, and in that moment, it all made sense. The costume, the hushed conversations, the torture; it all made sense.
When he closed the door two men stood guard. Kaz looked at me through the mask, scanning the bandages that were too tightly wrapped around my wounds and the blood stains on my dress.
"I thought I'd cut to the chase," Pekka took off his hat, with poorly faked sympathy. "You can't show your face at my clubs or my brothels to pull threads on me, so where would you go?"
He smiled and grabbed my arm. "I even brought you your bitch. This girl? Take a good look at her Brekker." His eyes scanned over me once again, but quickly snapped back to meet Pekka's. "You're not going to say anything?" He laughed, "I put good time into preparing her for you."
Kaz looked me dead in the eyes, a silent promise, or maybe a reminder of his old one. He promised me I wouldn't go back to the circus, I would no longer be owned, and for some reason I believed him. I would believe him if he told me jumping into fire would heal my wounds, it made my head spin.
"The costume isn't your style Rollins." Kaz finally spoke.
He chuckled in response, "No but, she's just so lovely when you can't see her face. This is her job after all. Now, come out from there, son."
"Why?" Kaz taunted.
"I don't want blood on my furniture." His gaunt grin made me sick. "My numbers man will bill me for it, and, well, you've already cost me enough money by blowin' up my club."
Kaz took a single step forward, his cane knocking the wood floor. "My Club."
Pekka scoffed, "Before I kill you, I want to tell you I sent a madman to kill your wraith, and your gunslinger, well he just won't know what hit him." He shook his head smiling, "All that will be left in my little Rabbit here. My own personal Jester." All of a sudden the door fell open, Rollins' men on the ground.
"A heartrender," His eyes went wide before he was forced to the ground. At this moment I ran to Kaz's side, I didn't touch him or even speak, but his presence beside me calmed me just for a moment. I would have ripped the mask off if it wasn't tied so tight.
"Meet the newest member of my crew." Kaz spoke mockingly. But within seconds she was shot, and the men regained control of their bodies, shooting wildly at us. Kaz pulled me behind the desk and to the ground. My breathing was shaky as the bullets hit just about everywhere. My limbs screamed in the crouched position but if I moved I would be killed.
Kaz kept one had on me until he pulled out a bomb and lit it. "Kaz!" I whispered, "are you fucking-"
"The window." I didn't need to be told twice, I threw myself out the open glass doors, using the last bit of my strength to scale down the wall, Kaz just behind me.
Once we were out Kaz heaved his cane into my chest, "use this." Before limping in front of me. He was going as quick as he could without his fancy stick, but remained within earshot of me. "And take off that ridiculous mask."
Quickly I untied the tight ribbon around my head, but instead of throwing it to the ground like I wanted to I tied it to a loop around my waist. It revealed the matted blood and tears that stained my face but I didn't care. He didn't look back at me as I stumbled and cursed down the back alleys in the dim moon light.
My vision was blurry, but I saw Inej and the heartrender find their way to us. Both were wounded and scared, and when we got to what I recall being the plague graveyard I found Jesper and another boy in the same dull state. I wanted to ask who these two new people were, what the plan was, why we were in a graveyard, why no one saved me. But that last one was selfish and the others I just could utter out, I knew that they were being hunted too, if they'd come to get me no one would have gotten out alive.
When I had locked eyes with Inej her face lit up in surprise, "what's going on? Evilynn?" She picked me up off the ground before I fell, but swept me up to quickly sending spots into my vision.
I gasped and winced, "Inej."
Kaz had yet to look at me since the office, "I got what we needed, and Wylan's bomb took care of the rest." Finally he stopped outside a shed and looked mostly as Inej, "get her inside."
The heartrender woman followed us in, I could hear Jesper talking with Kaz but not well enough to know what about.
I looked at her, "who are you? And the other boy- what are you doing?"
She smiled kindly at me, her face looked vaguely familiar, "Nina Zenik, and I'm taking this hideous dress off of you if you're all right with that? Just to see the wounds."
I took a shaky breath and nodded, letting her reveal the linen undershirt and shorts under the dress. The cold air hit me hard against my torn, bare arms.
She rewrapped the bandages that had been poorly put on by Pekka's men and stitched some of my deeper gashes. I felt calm by her side, but that was just the heartrender stuff. I didn't know what was going on but it wasn't good, Kaz was getting more aggressive, desperate, angry, I didn't know what had happened since I'd been taken but I assumed nothing good.
AN: AND ON TIME, wow, so proud of myself. 🥹