It had to be heights. The ladder looked rusted and unstable, and it didn't have any sort of caged in areas. It was just a thin, metal ladder that ran up the side of the building.
"No—no I can't! I can't; it's too high up... I don't do heights—I can't," I rambled.
"Shhh okay! Okay, Em, it's okay—no problem," Jax said, placing a reassuring palm on my shoulder. "Do you trust me?"
I nodded, unable to find my voice through my panicked breathing. I was such a fucking wimp.
"Then climb on my back, hang on tight, and keep your eyes closed," he instructed.
I nodded again as my eyes blurred with tears. He turned to me, crouching so I could climb up. I was quick to get on, letting him hook his arms under my legs to hoist me higher up onto his back. I wrapped my arms around his chest, holding on as tight as I could without hurting my elbow even more.
"Okay, I need you to hold on tight with your arms and legs because I need my arms to climb. Can you do that?"
"Yeah," I breathed, "I can do it."
"Okay. Here we go. Keep your eyes closed," he said.
I felt the muscles in his back working as he started down the ladder, and I could hear the metal creaking with each step. It was very unsettling, and even more so when I realized just how hard it was going to be to hold my own weight.
"Jax... this was a bad idea," I said, shaking so hard it was getting increasingly more difficult to hang on.
I felt him wrap one of his arms under my butt, pushing me up while he held to the ladder with his other arm. "Readjust for a second, and let me know if you start to slip again. I got you," he panted, "You're not going to fall. We're already halfway there."
I did my best to slow my heart rate, hanging tight to Jaxon until we were safely on the ground. He was the one doing all the work; the least I could do was get a grip.
I had my eyes squeezed shut so tight that I barely even noticed when we were off the ladder. "Okay, I gotta put you down for a minute," Jax panted. "You okay?"
"Yeah," I breathed, sliding gently onto my feet. "Thank you."
Sirens were blaring in the distance, and I knew it would only be a matter of time before this building was completely surrounded.
I was pulled abruptly from my thoughts when my phone buzzed in my pocket, alerting me that I had a school email. Jax's phone buzzed too, several times, and a quick glance at the subject line warned me that our school was on lockdown.
"We need to get away from here before the cops see us," Jax said. "They're gonna lock down this building, and we can not get questioned. Are you with me?"
"Yeah," I sniffled, "Let's go."
Though, I was completely losing my shit.
I followed quickly behind Jax, doing my best to match his stride as he pulled me along, but I was absolutely terrified that we would catch a bullet in the back. What if they weren't the only shooters on campus? What if the cops don't catch them? What if I was their target all along?
My thoughts were consuming me, and they were more than dizzying. I slipped from Jaxon's grasp, placing my hands on my knees while my head swam.
"Come on," Jax panted, "We need to keep going."
With the adrenaline of being in immediate danger fading, I was left with nothing but a crushing feeling of dread and fear. I felt completely sick to my stomach.
"Em?" Jax pressed.
"Hold on," I said, keeping my hands on my knees, "I'm seeing stars."
"What?" He asked, placing a palm on my back.
"I don't know- I feel sick- I think I'm gonna pass out," I explained.
"Fuck. Just hold on to me, okay? We can't stay here right now; it's not safe."
"Okay," I agreed, letting him scoop me up in his arms. I felt bad that I wasn't able to run on my own; I knew he had to have been exhausted.
"Focus on slowing your breathing," he instructed as he picked up his pace. "You may be having another panic attack."
"I don't think so... it... feels... different," I wasn't just panicking, I was completely hyperventilating. "I'm really gonna be sick."
"Shit... hold on," he said, "try not to think about it; think about other things instead. Like... like Twilight, or... I don't know... Grey's Anatomy."
I tried my best to focus on my breathing to quell my impending vomit while Jax began sprinting. I also tried my best to think about other things like he had suggested, and I appreciated his efforts in remembering some of the shows I liked— but I couldn't think of anything that was stronger than the growing feeling of nausea.
When I really couldn't hold it any longer, Jax ducked between two college houses, setting me down in the narrow space between them.
I immediately began throwing up everything in my stomach into one of the scratchy bushes. Which was mostly just acid and bile anyway since I hadn't eaten lunch yet today and only had a yogurt this morning. Still, it was really unpleasant.
Jax knelt beside me, collecting my hair in his hands while I continued to heave. I kept thinking about all the innocent students who may have gotten hurt; how loud the gunshots sounded in the hallways; and how we had been only a few feet away from being shot as we hid in the ducts.
When I was finished, I sat down on the muddy grass, my back pressed to the wall of the old college house.
"Hey..." Jax said, moving to crouch in front of me, "I know that was a really scary experience, but you're safe now, okay?"
I shook my head, letting my tears spill over. "I'm not; I... I can't handle this stuff, Jax. I'm not brave or strong like you are. I'm scared. I'm so, so scared," I choked on a sob.
"No...no, don't say that. You have been through way more shit than anyone else I know. It's okay to be scared, but don't think you're not brave or not strong."
I curled my legs up, setting my face against my knees as I tried to catch my breath. "I just want this to be over."
"I know," Jax sighed. Before I could say anything else, I felt him pulling me up again off the ground, his strong arms hooked under my legs and lower back.
I wrapped my arm around his neck. "I can walk now Jax, it's okay," I sniffed. He had already done so much today; I knew he must have been pretty gassed from getting us both out of the building safely. And besides, physically I felt much better after throwing up.
"You sure?" He panted.
"Yes," I assured him, letting him place me back onto my shakey legs. "Just let me hang on to you."
I grabbed hold of his arm, letting him guide me through the empty streets. The campus was on lockdown, so we shouldn't have been out here. We had no idea if the situation was isolated to the building we just came from, or if there were even more gunmen on campus. It was quieter than I had ever seen it, and despite the unseasonably warm day, I felt chilled to my bones.
I was still completely terrified, and we were still far away from our dorm. We needed to get back or at least get inside somewhere safe, and soon.
"Hey! Skyler! Mason!" A male voice called from behind us.
Jaxon was quick to pull me to him, shielding me as we faced who was calling to us. I could see the tension in his shoulders dissipate as we registered one of Blake's basketball buddies, Aaron, stepping out of his house.
"Are you guys okay?! The campus is on lockdown right now," he said.
"We know," Jax replied, "There are shooters on campus. We just came from there and we're trying to get back to the dorms."
"Holy shit," Aaron said, holding his door open wider, "You guys should come inside until we get the all-clear. It's not safe right now."
I wiped some more of my tears before looking to Jax. This was his decision, but I was hoping he would take Aaron up on the offer.
Luckily, he grabbed my hand, moving me forward towards Aaron and the safety of his house.
"Thank you," Jax said. "We really appreciate this."
Aaron gave Jaxon a nod before fixating his gaze onto me. "You okay, Sky?" He asked.
I nodded, biting my lip. I was afraid to say anything at all, because I knew if I did, I would burst into tears.
"She's really shaken up," Jax told Aaron. "It was really scary being in that building. We're lucky we got out without being hurt."
Aaron was so tall that the top of my head barely even reached his chest, but he had a kind smile and deep brown eyes that made him less intimidating than others of Blake's friends. He fixated his eyes on me again.
"Well, come on inside and make yourself at home guys," Aaron said. "Can I get you anything?"
"If you have any waters that would be great," Jax replied, wiping his brow on his shirt.
"Of course," Aaron said, excusing himself to the kitchen.
I continued to hold on to Jaxon's hand as he lead me into the living room of Aaron's house. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I really didn't expect for there to be a living room full of basketball guys.
Well, only three of them, but still. I recognized two of the three as Aaron's roommates, who I had met at a party that Blake brought us to before New Years; right before Jax broke things off with me.
"Hey guys," the smallest of the men greeted us. I remembered his name to be Nick, and I thought I recognized him as the point guard of our basketball team. He had always been nice at the parties.
I gave him a polite smile, but I wasn't sure I could find my voice just yet. Luckily, Jax took the lead in interacting with the guys, greeting everyone politely.
"You guys are welcome to have a seat anywhere. We're watching the game if you'd like to join us," one of the other roommates, Sam, offered with a wave of his hand.
"Who's playing?" Jax asked. If he wasn't actually interested, he had me fooled.
"Lakers vs. Suns," John, the quietest of the three as I recalled, answered with a yawn.
"Oh nice," Jax said, guiding me towards an open sofa.
He sat down, facing the screen, and I lowered myself onto the couch beside him. I wanted to lean into him, burrying myself in his large frame until my shaking subsided and the memories of today were erased, or at least dulled some.
Aaron came back, handing a water bottle to both Jax and I before taking a seat in one of the arm chairs, clapping as the Lakers scored a basket.
"Shhhh, dude," Nick said, "We're on lockdown for a reason. We shouldn't be too loud right now."
A few of the other men mumbled in agreement as they returned their attention to the screen. I didn't much care for basketball on a normal day, let alone after a near death experience. My mind was whirling, my body was trembling, and I just couldn't be in this room anymore.
"I need to go to the bathroom," I said, rising on shakey legs and walking quickly from the room.
The guys were being nice; they hadn't seen what Jax and I had seen today. They probably weren't aware of the full extent of danger the people on this campus were in, and I knew that they were most likely just trying to give us space and not press us about what was happening... but it just felt... wrong. This wasn't something I felt comfortable burying.
I shut the door to the bathroom, immediately sinking to the ground. What the hell had happened today? The campus was on lockdown. We had to just crawl through vents to escape without being seen. There were gunmen on campus... and yet, these guys were just watching sports and drinking?
There was a knock at the door, startling me from my thoughts. I lifted my head from my knees.
"Sky," Jaxon's deep voice rumbled from the other side of the door.
"Yeah?" I called back, trying to sound casual.
"Are you okay?"
I nodded my head, knowing he couldn't see me, but also feeling like I couldn't speak without completely breaking. I wasn't okay. None of this was okay.
"Unlock the door," he said.
My body felt numb. I hesitated a moment.
"Please unlock the door so I know you're okay," he pleaded.
My legs were so wobbly, I wasn't even sure if I could stand. I scooted on the floor, reaching up to unlock it.
"Did you get sick again?" He asked, peering down at me.
I shook my head. "No, I... I just needed a minute," I said, "I'm just not sure how to process what happened. I'm not sure how to process... well, all of it really."
He sat down on the ground across from me, leaning his back against the cabinet. "I wish I could tell you that nobody was hurt today. I wish I could assure you that you weren't the target. God..." he said, leaning his head back. "I wish I could take away some of the pain you've been through. I hate that I can't do more for you."
I wiped a tear away. "You do more than you know for me. And, as scary as it was, you kept me safe today."
His full lips twitched at the corners as if he was trying to conceal a smile, "I will always keep you safe."
I gave him a small smile back. I missed these moments with Jax. Even feeling terrified, there was something so calming about sitting here with him, on the cold tile of the bathroom floor. "So... what do we do now?"
He sighed. "Well, we're still on lockdown for god knows how long, and if you were the target, then staying here in this random house is probably much safer than our dorm until I get orders from Chief. You may as well join the guys and have a drink."
I cocked an eyebrow at him. "You want me to drink?"
He shrugged. "I don't like seeing you so scared. Maybe having a few drinks will help you take your mind off of everything— at least for a little while."
I sighed. "Maybe you're right."
His ice blue eyes locked onto mine. "So, will you go back in there with me?"
I nodded, "Can you promise me something?"
"Name it," he agreed without hesitation.
"Please don't leave my side today," I sniffed, my eyes welling with tears. "I need you."
"I promise I won't leave your side," he said, pushing himself up off the ground. "Now, let's get you up."
I reached out, letting him pull me to my feet. However, one of his hands grazed my sore elbow, and I flinched, pulling my arm from him.
"Shit," he muttered, "I'm sorry, I forgot about your elbow."
I shrugged. "It's okay. All things considered, it could have been a lot worse."
"Still," he sighed. "Let me take a look at it."
"It's fine, Jax. I'm okay. Really," I said, taking step towards the door.
He blocked my path. "Stop, let me see it. Here, sit up here," he said, gesturing towards the counter top.
I hesitated a moment before taking a step back, letting Jax lift me by my hips so that I could sit on top of the counter. "Which arm?" He asked, searching my face with his icebreaker eyes.
"This one," I said, holding my left arm out to him. I was thankful it was my left, since I was right handed. I couldn't straighten my elbow all the way as I reached out to Jax; it was too swollen.
"Damn, that looks pretty bad. Can you straighten your arm any more than that?"
I shook my head. "No. It hurts even doing this."
"Okay, hold on," he said, opening up one of the bathroom drawers. "I'm sure Aaron has some sort of elastic bandage in here somewhere. They're all athletes in this house."
I watched the scar on his eyebrow move as he concentrated on finding the bandages. He had taken such good care of me today; he stayed so calm in such a scary situation. There was no doubt in my mind that I still loved him. It took everything in me to not lean in and kiss that scar of his... and his neck... and his full lips...
"Found them," he said, pulling me from my thoughts.
I nodded, holding my arm out to him again. I couldn't be thinking of him like that... he has told me so many times that I couldn't.
He gently grabbed my arm in his warm, calloused hands, examining my elbow again. "Actually, it looks really swollen, so maybe we should ice it before we wrap it."
I agreed, allowing Jax to help me down from the counter. "Let's go find Aaron."