What do you call it when everything is falling apart but you just refuse to let it all sink and affect you and hence it leaves you just numb and quiet, courage or denial?
I wake up in the morning with the same feeling. I know I didn't have the best day yesterday but even after all of it, I don't feel like taking a break. And I know why? Because I don't want to give my brain even a tiny bit of space to reciprocate all of it. I had expectations from Aadarsh that he will get better. He hasn't. End of the story.
It pinches me again and again. Why is he like that? I want to help him. What is causing him so much of agony? And then it hits me. Even after all of it, I am again trying to blame myself that I could make it better. I can't. You can't Anika. Just relax. When we were together, I always used to fell for his words. Maybe it's my fault afterall. But after college, I have gotten better. I know it's not my fault.
It's the thing with overthinkers. I just wish I could help him and make him better. After all, yes I loved him. I wanted things to turn so good for us. And maybe even yesterday after seeing him, I felt like maybe we can get along. But that was all before he laid hands on me. On the brighter side, thank god that he did. If not, I would have accepted his apology. I got so vulnerable looking at him. And that is exactly what I want to change. Love is tough but I can't punish myself anymore. I should have ended this but it was he who left me for someone else in the first place. No matter how bold I try to get and how fearless I want to become, my vulnerability comes to me time and again.
Well whatever I need to get going. I go and to prepare my todo list for today so that I can manage 10 hours of studying. Now, after about one week working, I manage 4 hours of studying in the library with great ease.
8:00 P.M.
I am staring at the computer screen trying to make sense of how to organise these reports in a better manner. I take.a print out of today's overall entries and head to Vihaan's table.
He has done this amazing thing around his table with glasses. To bring the glasses upwards, he presses the button near the drawer and the glasses encircle around the table and chair and give an effect of a glass office cabinet. What a concept really. If I want to work in silence on some discreet project, I can just create this small room around me and close it with curtains for more privacy if I want. Rest of the time, one can just peacefully enjoy the view of library, people, view outside the window. Amazing indeed.
He's doing something on his PC.
"Sir, reports of today" I give it to him.
" Nice. Keep it here." He directs his eyes towards the pile of files kept on his table. I put it there.
"Wait" He says
" Yes sir" I say
He looks away from his PC. "I feel it's rather not safe to use public transport to return back to home at 12:00. I am giving away 4-5 rooms to my employees from my guest house since the guest house rarely gets full these days. Give it a thought and if you feel okay about it you can talk to Abhi about it for further details". He informs me.
"It's a good idea. But what's the cost?"
" We'll cut approx 2k from salary ". Vihaan says
"Oh okay can I have some time before actually saying anything." I ask.
" Uh Sure". He goes back to his laptop. I wonder what he always does.
But now that I think of it, it actually looks like a good idea to me. And I think I can actually give it a shot.
I go back to my home and ask my mom about it. She has actually approved of it since she is also feeling like my study is getting affected and the wedding and other functions are still 12 days ahead and all are actually working on their thing now.
I thank Vihaan for being so thoughtful about it. He can be so complex sometimes. I am really trying to make sense of what he is really like. The very other day he sort of saved me but then warned the same thing to Abhi in a complete other way round manner. I mean I really doubt him sometimes.