I learned how to fall so it wasn't hard to cover the bruises before I reached the age of eighteen.
I learned that if people ask if everything is okay, it's better to say yes.
What will they do if I say no? Will they tell me everything will get better? Really? Is that supposed to help me?
So when Finn asked if everything was okay, of course, I said yes. I will not burden him with my problems.
I won't tell him that I started cutting myself again yesterday after four months. I won't tell him that I'm not really okay.
What would change if those words came out of my mouth? What would he do?
Would he hold me until I cried? Basically, holding a stranger? He couldn't help me. Nobody can.
"I don't know what I thought. Forget it." He shook his head, and then El came in with our coffee.
"Thank you, El." I smiled at her.
"I like the matching outfits." She pointed her finger between us and only then did I notice that Finn and I were wearing the same colored clothes.
"Oh my god, I didn't even realize that." I laughed. "What a coincidence." I brushed my hair away from my face, and when I looked back up at Finn, something was different about his face. "So..." I started talking when he was quiet. "I basically know nothing about you and I was wondering..."
"You have questions." He cut me off. "And only today will I answer all of them."
"Only today?" I raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"I don't like to talk about myself."
"But you're going to answer everything I ask today?" I asked to make sure.
"Yes." He reached for a cup of coffee and took a careful sip. "Wow, this is really good." His eyebrows almost shot through the roof.
"I told you." I shrugged and took a sip too. "So, Finn..." I saw him immediately stiffen when I spoke.
I know that reflex. He doesn't really want to talk about himself, but for some reason he allowed me to ask. Why?
"You know what? Why don't you," I put the cup down, "tell me what you want and what you're comfortable with?"
He opened his mouth to say something but immediately closed it. From his expression, he is obviously surprised by my words. Did he think I was going to pull things out of him that he didn't want to say?
"I don't think anything I say about myself will interest you." He said in a quieter tone than before.
"Just try it." I gave him an encouraging smile.
"Okay then." He exhaled heavily. "I grew up in New York with four siblings." He began to talk, his gaze on the cup in his hands. "After a while, we started moving around a lot because of my oldest brother's job. Dad was an asshole and I honestly don't even remember what our mother looked like." He laughed nervously and shook his head. "Basically, we were raised by our brother. I really don't see the point of having children if you're not going to care about them. Some people aren't meant to have children."
I wanted to reach for his hand or just hug him, but I don't know what his reaction would be. Especially now, when he entrusts me with something as difficult as this.
He's starting to open up to me, tearing down the walls he's built around himself, and if I say something, he might put them back up.
And I have a feeling that he wants to get rid of it. It doesn't matter if he tells me or someone else. He just needs someone to listen to him.
"I was a quiet kid. Sometimes I still am." Even though he wasn't looking at me, I could see the moment he started to regret saying something.
Slowly he started to build all those walls back. Mainly because he feels safe behind them. Because no one can hurt him behind them.
I know it. I live like that myself.
"I guess you expected funny stories, huh? You didn't ask about mine..." He shook his head. "I shouldn't have ..."
"Finn." I stopped him before he said anything else. "I want to get to know you." Out of reflex, I put my hands on his and that's when he looked up at me. "The real you."
Something in his eyes changed. I wish I could read minds. Right now his.
"I wish I could tell you who I am, Lexi. But the truth is, I don't have a clue. I moved here because I wanted to get away from it all. It was the easier choice."
"And yet here you are. Sharing things with me. Almost a stranger. I'd say the easier choice would be to lock yourself in your room and not come out."
"I tried, but Zack is adamant." He said seriously, but I couldn't help but laugh.
"That sounds like Zack. Only then did I realize that my hands were still on his, so I subtly tried to pull them closer to me, hoping he didn't notice.
Lexi was touching me, and I'm not kidding when I say that everything I've been suffocating for years suddenly disappeared. Unfortunately, her hands slipped back to her body.
I can't remember the last time I was as honest with someone as I was with her.
But it was so easy to get over it when I told her.
I couldn't look at her. I was afraid that she would look at me differently. That she will pity me like my siblings.
However, when I finally looked at her, all I saw on her face was understanding.
I was in a vulnerable place, but I didn't care. I knew in the back of my mind that Lexi would never use it against me.
But still, I'm not going to shake off the idea that we barely know each other, and here I am telling her my life story.
Why am I doing this? And why is she even listening to me? Why didn't she just leave?
For a while, we talked only about small nonsense while we drank coffee. In general, we got to know each other a little.
I found out her favorite color was blue and she laughed that my favorite was black. She said it was all too common.
"And about Friday. If you don't feel like spending the evening with people, you don't have to go. Maybe I noticed that you don't like people. Maybe Zack mentioned something to me." She said more quietly.
"I will see." I put the already empty cup on the table.
I really thought about it. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, but I don't know if it's the best one. After all, I don't know those people—only Jeremy.
"And the same goes for camping. It was probably stupid to ask you anyway. You hardly know anyone there, and maybe I won't even go..."
"You're not going?" I frowned. "I thought you said you went every year."
"Well...uhm..." Her gaze fell on her hands. "Two years ago it was canceled and I didn't go last year."
"Why?" The question flew out of me before I could stop it. She looked up at me and exhaled heavily. She was obviously not comfortable. "Sorry. If you don't want to..."
"No." She shook her head. "Let's go." She stood up. "I'll show you something."
*****
I followed her out of the cafe without saying a word.
I didn't know where she was taking me, as I had never been to this part of the city before, but I stood stunned on the sidewalk as it turned into the huge building that was the hospital.
After a few seconds, she noticed that I was no longer walking beside her, so she turned around.
"Lexi, what are we doing..."
"Just come." She interrupted me and continued further inside.
I walked behind her uncomprehendingly. What are we doing in the hospital?
I didn't really know where we were going, and all the signs just confused me unnecessarily.
Finally, Lexi stopped me with the words "I'll be right back" before she walked over to the reception desk and started talking to one of the nurses.
She smiled at Lexi, said something to her, and pointed somewhere with her finger.
Lexi turned to me, beckoned me to her with her hand and I followed her down the hall.
"Tell me what we're doing here again?" I asked when I finally caught up to her.
"In a minute. I promise." We stopped in front of the door and she took out a plastic box from her black bag. "Will you hold it for a second?" I nodded.
Lexi stepped closer to the door and knocked. A female voice called from inside, inviting us in.
While Lexi was opening the door, I began to remember what she had told me at the bistro.
She reminded me that she was going to the hospital with what she had baked. Is that what we're doing here? But what does that have to do with her not going camping last year?
As we entered, I noticed a woman who may have been in her mid-fifties, with red hair and a pale complexion. She was sitting by the window and had a huge smile on her face when she saw us.
Something about her seemed familiar, but I didn't know what. Do I know her from somewhere?
"Mrs. Pierce?" Lexi spoke, turning to me and taking the box from my hands. "I brought you something to eat." She raised the box in her hands.
"Oh thank you." She happily stood up and walked over to us before Lexi uncovered some cake cut into pieces.
"It's from the day before yesterday, but I hope it's still good."
"Definitely better than hospital food." Mrs. Pierce laughed before taking a bite.
"I'm Lexi and this is my friend Finn." She pointed at me.
"Nice to meet you both." She shook hands with both of us.
"Here, why don't you take the whole box? The head nurse will give it back to me later. You can split up with the other patients if you want."
"Thank you, sweetie, I appreciate it." She took the box. "Staying for a while?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Maybe another time." Lexi nodded.
We said goodbye to Mrs. Pierce and left her room. We stopped in the hallway, the door to her room open and we could see her back in her place by the window eating some of the stuff Lexi brought.
"I don't understand what we're doing here, Lexi. Why were we paying a visit to the lovely lady just now?" I pointed my finger at Mrs. Pierce.
Lexi stood sideways to me, her gaze on Mrs. Pierce. "I didn't go camping because of her. I couldn't leave her alone."
"What?" I frowned. "But didn't we introduce ourselves to her just now? Why would you stay..."
"That's my mother."
I stood there stunned, my gaze on Lexi and trying to see if I had just heard correctly.
"But....How? After all..." My gaze began to jump between Lexi and Mrs. Pierce, who is supposed to be her mother.
It was only at that moment that I got the idea that I knew Mrs. Pierce from somewhere. They look a bit alike.
But how is that possible?
"Dissociative amnesia." She said looking at her mother. "She doesn't know who I am. Sometimes she doesn't know who she is herself. I couldn't leave her alone." She repeated.
"Lexi..." I didn't even know what I was going to say. What should I tell her about what she just shared with me?
"For almost three whole years, my mother has not known that she has a daughter." She looked up at me. "You shared your past with me. It's only fair that I share mine back."
I'm sorry. I wanted to say that. But how would that help her? Everyone has to tell her that, and she's definitely sick of it.
"I'm glad you told me." I could see the immediate relief in her eyes. "Is there anything I can do..." I looked around the room and back at Lexi.
"Surely." She laughed. "If you have fifty thousand just lying around." She lifted her shoulder.
Fifty thousand? Is that all? I'm sure Killian...
"Finn, I was just kidding." She interrupted my thoughts. "Tell me you're not actually thinking about it." Was it that visible what I was thinking?
"Would that help?" I raised an eyebrow. "Fifty thousand?"
"Well, yes, but..." She shook her head. "It's fifty thousand. My yearly salary isn't even that high."
"I would be able to . . ."
"Finn, stop it." She stopped me. "It's fifty thousand."
"I can hear you." I laughed.
"I don't think so. Fifty thousand for a treatment that might not even work."
"But it's worth a shot, isn't it?"
"You're a different type of crazy. Let's go before you get any more crazy ideas." She moved from her place and with one last look at her mother began to walk away.
Hm. Fifty thousand? It would be worth it.
This is Mrs. Pierce's medical condition explained simply:
Dissociative amnesia is a disorder characterized by unusual memory loss related to a traumatic experience. A person with amnesia may not remember basic information about their life.
****
I am not a doctor, nor do I know the different types of amnesia. This is what I found on the internet, so if something doesn't add up, ignore it.