I didn't think I'd be able to say goodbye, not to Tubbo, or Punz, not to Sam or Niki. Tubbo and Niki just cried, the three of us clinging onto each other as the only people of our family left standing, begging me to stay safe, as if all the pleading in the world can take a stand against cruelty and fate. Sam wouldn't speak to me, but I felt the squeeze in his fingers against my back as he hugged me all the same. Sapnap showed up to the camp the moment someone had sent him word.
And Punz. I said goodbye to him a few hours ago, and it still weighs on my heart, more than Dream and his feelings, more than the fear for Tommy. He was so ready, so open to letting me go even though I could see in his eyes how much it was killing him inside. He's always known that they come first, and he's never cared.
Sapnap and Dream are the ones going with me, to the front, a planned swap. They managed to talk me out of bursting in there on a crazed kamikaze mission, instead setting up and arrangement with Schlatt. My life for Tommy's.
We set off into the woods with a small party of soldiers as protection, towards the front.
I try not to think about those who I left behind. I left after Wilbur died and the world imploded, left without answers and assurance and comfort.
But I had to do this. I can't leave him.
The woods we walk through are not the untouched peaceful refuge they once were, because they've been marred by war, touched by death and destruction only capable at the hands of man. I pass lonely bodies, abandoned posts, old weapons and carts, trails stamped into the undergrowth with footsteps that belong to ghosts.
I don't even give a shit about L'manburg anymore, that's the real fucking irony of all of this. I just want my family to be happy.
Sapnap speaks to me, but Dream doesn't, following up at the rear while we cover the front.
When we sleep, curled under an oak tree, I dream of before, not after. Never after.
In the morning we keep walking, following the relics of old battles to keep me close to the frontlines. I try not to think about Punz, and the guilt.
I'm not going here to die, but I could. It'd be easy, caught in the crossfire, caught in Schlatt's rage, out of my depth, out of control, an easy target, an easy casualty.
I used to never care, but there's someone else now, people who can get hurt by my recklessness.
When the sun has hung itself in the midmorning sky, Dream ends up alongside me, Sapnap distracted with a soldier at the back. It's a few tense moments of silence, before he breaks it.
"What happens after this Rosie?"
There's so many afters I don't really understand the question. I look up at him.
"After what? The war?"
To my surprise, he lets out a harsh laugh. "No, no I'm not- I didn't mean it like that. I meant after you hand yourself over to Schlatt."
"Kill him." I shrug. "There's not much else."
"What if you can't? You know him, you know he's going to try and hurt you."
He's going to try to do a lot more than hurt me, after I rejected him, humiliated him, taunted him so much I pushed him to the edge. Oh no, I'm sure he's got a special plan for me.
"I know." I don't have much else to give to him. "I'll try and survive until we win, try and make it through."
"We're going to try and get you out, the moment Tommy's safe at camp we'll try whatever we can."
"I know." It doesn't bring a lot of comfort, but the knowledge is still there. "I know you guys will."
"I-" He starts to say something before he stops himself, staring off into the distance in front of us. I don't push him, because I don't think I want to hear what he has to say.
"You have to look after them." My voice finds strength I didn't think I had right now.
Dream's jaw clenches, but he nods all the same. "I will."
I probably don't have any right in his mind to ask him that, but I'm doing it all the same because I have nothing, and I'm still giving the last of everything away, right now.
"I know Sam and Punz will try, and I know they'll fight you every step of the way, especially Tommy, but Niki needs help and they're- they're not kids anymore but they need someone, something looking out for them."
"I will, until you get back, I promise I'll look after them." His eyes pierce through me when he says it.
"Dream, c'mon, you know I might not come back." He won't look at me now though, his gaze now lifted off me and floating through the trees. "They've got a life to live, after me."
"Please don't say that." He's focused forward, but his voice is quiet, choked up. "We're gonna get you back."
You're not getting me back. I keep my lips pressed together to stop myself from saying it. Even now, I still can't work out what he means, whether he's talking about me just being alive or me being in love with him.
I ignore it, in the end, sick of the half-truths, the anger, the constant battle between us. The anger is always there, has always been there, but it's exhausting now. It doesn't fuel me anymore, doesn't give me purpose, something to cling onto. It was a lifeboat in the storm, and now it's the wave threatening to wash me out.
"But you might not, and it's not their fault."
"I wouldn't- I- I don't have a right to be angry or blame anyone. I know."
"I don't care about it anymore Dream. I don't care if you start doing shit you're not entitled to do, I don't care about being angry or holding it against you, all I give a shit about is them. So if I don't come back, promise me- and I know, I know, I probably don't deserve to ask you anything right now, but I don't have anything else left, so promise me you will look out for them, and you'll let them make stupid mistakes, and you'll let them get angry at you and not take their heads off, and you'll let Punz love me when I'm gone."
"I promise." He says, and I believe him. Sapnap's making his way back to us, as we get closer to the edge of the forest. I can see structures lying in the distance, smoke wafting in the air. I look at him one last time.
"I loved you so much." My voice breaks even though I try my best to stop it. "I did."
"I know." He can barely speak. "I see it now."
He fades back into the group, while Sapnap takes a place either side of me. "You okay?"
I sniff, wiping my damp eyes with my sleeve. "Yeah. We're okay."
I can feel him looking at me, but he doesn't say anything, and I'm grateful.
We pass through the outer parts of L'manburg, the ones most heavily destroyed, the heaviest fighting, almost blitz attacks, springing up from the huge tunnels we used to move mountains of men.
I keep moving, ducking through smouldering remains, shops, homes, farms, hollowed out half-structures, blackened and almost unrecognisable. I pass bodies, some twisted with frozen faces and fresh blood, some so mangled you couldn't even place them as human. The stench is unwavering, and the smoke, together choking me, coating my lungs. I pull my shirt over my nose and mouth, but there's no relief, no respite from the awfulness.
It stings, it makes my eyes water, and almost pass out when I reach a little row of shops that I used to pass when I worked at the health centre, hunched over on my knees and throwing up my lunch. It hurts, the memories, the destruction, forcing me on the ground.
Sapnap rubs my back, and I notice a few other soldiers hunched over into bushes, the rest looking horribly pale.
"We're almost there." Dream mutters, walking past our group. I take a deep breathe and haul myself to standing, following along after him. We move further into the centre, closer to Marburg controlled territory, the hair on the back of my neck standing up.
Eventually, we reach a little pocket of flat ground, about two kilometres from the temporary borders that had been most recently sketched, dancing on the end on no-man's land. There's a much heavier show of soldiers here from where we'd past, hidden under the ground to man the tunnels, or stationed here in temporary bases.
My heart thrums in my head, and I wipe my sweaty palms against the legs of my pants. I have an axe sitting at my hip, knives tucked into my boots and sewn into my waistband, hopefully hidden from Schlatt.
It's a long shot, but may as well throw something out there. Maybe I'll get lucky. Maybe I'll do it with my bare hands.
We sit there for a while, hours, but we all know it's a stupid power play from Schlatt, trying to sweat us out. I roll out my shoulders from where I'm sitting on the ground, trying to stretch out the crick in my neck. But in the end, his procession crests the top of the hill, gracing us with his presence. Everyone is on their feet immediately.
I see Tommy, out in front as they approach, blonde head glinting in the slowly dwindling sunlight, hands bound in front of him. He looks unharmed, but distraught, and my heartbeat thumps ever louder in my temple.
Schlatt in buried behind him and some guards but I still see him. He looks terrible, even from here, a haggard air that he couldn't hide with all the bravado and pretend swagger in the world. Dream and Sapnap stand behind me, Dream a step behind, but Sapnap with his hand bracing my lower back. I think I might topple over if he wasn't there.
Schlatt's parade comes to a stop, soldiers in red and black uniforms parting to allow him to step forward. He pushes Tommy's shoulder to march him towards us, before pausing a few meters away. Sapnap nudges me, and we go to meet him.
Tommy already knows what's happening. I saw it in his face when they arrived, and I can see it even more clearly in his eyes now. I know he didn't want this, I know he probably doesn't want this now, even after whatever Schlatt put him through, but it's not his decision to make. He can be angry all he wants, as long as he's safe.
"Rosie! So great to see you! You look as murderous as always."
"Glad to see you're still desperate enough to make everything a spectacle." I mutter, unable to even be annoyed enough to roll my eyes, looking over at Tommy.
"I know, I know, you can't wait to get the kid all tucked in nice and safe back home." Schlatt keeps smiling. "Well, you know the trade, you for him."
"We want him first." Dream intones from my left shoulder.
"You don't trust me?" Schlatt pretends to be wounded, clutching his chest.
"No."
"Rose, don't." Tommy finds his voice. "I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm not worth it."
"It's not your choice Tommy." I'm looking at Schlatt now, who's black eyes flicker between us with sadistic interest.
"Doesn't that just tug at your heartstrings?" He turns to the soldiers standing stone faced behind him. "Doesn't it fellas? Just brings a tear to my eye."
He's smiling again when he turns back around to us. "Because I'm such a generous man, I'll even send him over so you can say goodbye. If any of you try and pull some stupid shit and backtrack on our agreement, I will not hesitate to have you mown down by these guys behind me, does that sound fair?"
"We're here Schlatt." I snap. "We wouldn't be here if we weren't going to honour this deal."
"Oh okay, keep your panties on Rosie, I was just making sure."
He cuts the rope binding Tommy's wrists together, letting it fall on the ground, and then shoves him forward, over the little invisible line no one has dared cross, until now. Tommy stumbles, almost falling at my feet, and slams into my arms, clinging onto me.
"I told you not to!" He cries into my shoulder. "I told-d y-you not to come, I told Dream not to let you come!"
"I know, I'm sorry Tommy." I say quietly, squeezing him tightly. "But you've got Tubbo and Niki, Sam and Punz will look after you, Dream's going to be there too, even if you piss him off. You're going to be okay."
"You shouldn't be here, I chose to go." He lets go of me so he can look me in the eye. He towers over me now, I realise, stupidly, looking up into the red-rimmed blue eyes swimming with tears. "I chose it."
I grab his face, pulling his forehead against him, like I can press my mind against his hard enough to make him understand. "You know I can't leave you here, you know I can't."
"It d-doesn't matter." He shakes against me, and I close my eyes because it's too much. It's too much. "I chose to go."
"Do you remember in the cave? What I told you? I will choose you over everything every single time, no exceptions. I will always come for you, even if you don't want me to, even if it hurts me."
"I know, b-but this was my choice, you shouldn't be here."
"I don't care, I don't fucking care what you want, because I am the one that looks after you and it's not happening, he's not getting you too."
"I know what h-he did to you, you can't go back to him, Rose, you c-can't. He's not going to hurt me as much as he's going to hurt you."
"Then he hurts me more, because he is never going to get the chance to hurt you Tommy, I will never let him have the chance."
"I'm so sorry." He's sobbing, barely able to get his words out. "For everything I said about you and Dream, for yelling at you, it wasn't true, I don't blame you, I don't hate you, you don't need to do this."
"I knew that." I push the hair off his face. "Hey, I always knew that, you don't need to apologise, I'm not doing this to make anything up to you, I'm doing this because I love you, okay? I'm doing this because you have been one of the only things that have ever mattered to me."
"All you do is sacrifice for us, and I'm trying to- It was my turn Rosie, it's my turn."
"No, it's not." I'm crying now, holding onto him for dear life. "It's still my turn, while I'm alive it's my turn. I will never let you get hurt when I can protect you."
"It's not f-fair." His legs buckle, sliding to his knees on the ground, head in his hands. I crouch down next to him, pulling him into my chest, like I can keep him together if I hold him tightly enough. "All I've done is blame you, and said awful shit to you, and all you've even done is sacrifice yourself for us all over again and I don't understand and I just wanted it to be me for once."
It's not fair, it's never fair, because why the fuck in a fair and just world would someone this young be so ready, so able, to throw their life away for someone? This world tried its best to break them but it couldn't, and they survived and they've emerged stronger than I could've imagined and now they're trying to die for me.
"You know you sacrificing yourself now defeats the purpose of everything else I've done?" I laugh a bit at that, even though it comes out in a half-choked sob. "I don't care about what you've done, you were just a kid Tommy, you were just a kid and you're allowed to make stupid mistakes and act like an asshole, and I love you anyway. I love you so much."
I press a kiss into the crown of his head. "And I know you're not a kid anymore, you've grown into such a brave, beautiful person, and I'm so proud of you, but you've been through so much, too much. You have so much life left, you know that? And my whole life, everything I've given, has been so you can have that, you and Tubbo."
"I want that with you, I want you to have that too, that's why I came here, because I knew- I knew you'd try and do it behind our backs to end this. You always do."
"You don't need to try and protect me." I hastily wipe away my tears, trying not to just openly sob all over him. "I'm okay, okay? I need you to look at me."
He lifts his head, and I use the back of my hand to wipe away the tear trails on his face, smoothing his hair back before I can muster the courage to speak.
"If- if this is goodbye, then I am okay with that. I am okay with my life for yours, and you are not allowed to blame yourself, and you are not allowed to think it's your fault. You are not allowed to remember anything other than how much I fucking love you, you got that?"
He sniffles, wiping his nose and nodding, the tears flowing so fast I can stop them from falling from his chin. I can tell he still wants to yell and argue, but I can't handle it, I can't sit there and listen to him plead for his life instead of mine, I can't.
"So you're going to go home with Dream and Sapnap, and you're going to stay there and help, and look after Tubbo and Niki, and remind Sam and Punz when they do something stupid, because I'm not going to be there, and you are going to do something good when this is all over, and maybe I'll be there to see it. I hope I'm there to see it, I want to be there to see it, but maybe I can't be there, and that's okay."
"I don't- I can't do it without you, don't make me do it without y-you." He squeaks out, shaking awfully under my palms.
"You'll be okay." I cup his face in my palm. "You're so strong, you'll be okay."
Schlatt chooses this moment to obnoxiously clear his throat, the sound snapping me violently back to reality. "Sorry to interrupt this beautiful, very touching moment, but we do have places to be, and we can't stand here all day watching people cry on the floor."
I give Tommy a brief, lung crushing hug, kissing him on the temple. "I love you so much, I will always love you."
His hands grip onto me so tightly it hurts. "I love you too."
I unwind his hands from around me, standing up. He's still on the ground but I can't look at him, my wobbly legs barely able to keep me up as I turn to face Schlatt and his army, taking a few steps forward.
"Oh, you're just going to send her over like this? Couldn't even be bothered to giftwrap my brand new prisoner?"
I freeze, Sapnap and Dream tensing up next to me. Schlatt takes something off one of his soldiers, and tosses it forward. They land at my feet, glinting metal in the grass. I stare at the handcuffs until Sapnap leans down to pick them up, looking at me with pain in his eyes.
"I'm sorry Rosie."
I give him a sad smile, holding my wrists together out in front of me. "It's okay, it's okay."
He clicks the handcuffs over my wrists, before hastily pulling me into him, leaning his lips into my ear. "Kill that motherfucker and get back to us, okay? I love you."
"I love you too." I whisper back, as he lets me go. I look over at Dream, letting my cuffed hands dangle in front of me. He doesn't say anything, but there's nothing I want him to say, not now.
When I turn back to face Schlatt, I walk over to him, head high, back straight, over to his army, his prison, without looking back. I leave my family, the love of my life behind, I leave everything.
I have done this many times over, I have let go and done what I needed to do again and again and again, because it is what I have only had left. My family, is all I have left. A sacrifice means nothing anymore, because it's instinct, muscle memory.
I know my Mum and Dad wanted more for me, I know the little eleven-year old tottering around those woods wanted more for me, I know my brother wanted more for me, I know Punz wanted more for me, I know Niki wanted more for me, I know Sapnap wanted more for me, and I know now, that Tommy and Tubbo did too, enough to throw their own lives to the wolves to save mine.
It's ironic, the moment you leave them you realise how much love you've always had.
It's always been worth it.
They've always made the choice so goddamn easy.
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A/N It's a bit short but I didn't want the chapter to end on the little filler part of Rosie going back with Schlatt so I'm saving their full interaction for the next chapter.
Rosie and Tommy have always been an interesting dynamic because Tommy is such an impulsive, sometimes immature character. He's constantly make remarks about her and Dream, was pretty easily manipulated by Wilbur in the beginning, even blaming Rosie a bit, he's yelled at her, blamed her, and she's never held it against him. It's clear he was just hurting so badly, because he's been through so much. Even though she did the only thing she could, and what she needed to do to protect him and Tubbo, it was devastating for him to watch Rosie throw her life away all the time, especially if he didn't fully understand it. Here he finally does, and it's a real sign of how much he's grown up, which Rosie realises too.
I hope you enjoyed, and I'd love for you guys let me know how you feel about Rosie and Tommy's relationship over the course of the book, I'm very interested!
Oopsies x