part 05 —- little sleeping pandas
If someone had told Sasuke a few days ago that he would be 'guarding' the half open bathroom door for some depressed girl he didn't really know, he would've probably punched them in the face for assuming that he could ever be that soft of a person. But there he was, standing against the wall of her bedroom while she showered, listening in on her to make sure she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself. It wasn't in a creepy way, in fact, Hana was the one who had asked him to do so.
Her large, teary eyes stared at him timidly, and she seemed as if she had nothing to lose when she asked the question.
His mind had traced back to little Haru, and so he gave in. But at the same time, the terrified look on her face had also softened his heart for a moment, which ultimately played a large role in his final decision.
He walked over to her bed, where her phone and headphones laid. He tapped the screen, bringing it to life as he read the time. He realised she had been in the shower for almost thirty minutes now, and his jaw clenched. Should I check on her? No, leave her be. Let her do whatever girls do in the shower.
His eyes then trailed down to the song that she had been listening to the moment he walked in. Feel Good, Gryffin & Illenium. One of his favourites. He pressed the side button of her phone, turning the screen black again. He stood up straight again and scanned the room curiously. He spotted the swan plushie, remember his mother insisting she buy it for her days before the trip. She had taken it a step further, engraving her name into the wing. Sasuke had thought it was childish, and that there was no way she would use it to sleep. But, there it was, poking out of the blanket of her unmade bed.
Beside it, the corner of what looked like a journal stuck out. He swallowed, curiosity creeping in on him. He reached over and pulled out the book, his eyesight immediately bombarded with butterflies that were plastered all over the cover in scrapbook form.
As he flicked through the pages, he hoped that God wasn't real. He knew what he was doing was wrong, especially to a girl as vulnerable and fragile as Hana. Yet, he couldn't put it down.
Some pages were filled with pictures, and others had endless amounts of writing. Her handwriting changed in each page. Sometimes, she wrote in capitals, then she would write in cursive. It was all confusing, but it seemed that she just wanted to get her thoughts down, not caring what it looked like. He quickly eyed off the photos of her and her friends and then her family. She looked a lot different. She looked so lively, very opposite to what she was like now.
Sasuke's breathing became harder and more rapid when he spotted a page titled, Reasons To Live.
Tiny Polaroids stuck to it in a messy format, and beside each one was a little caption.
"To become a humanitarian", followed by the pictures of her volunteer work overseas, which he had recognised from dinner.
"To finally learn how to crotchet."
"To watch the new season of The Bachelor every year."
"To get eloped in Greece and start a family."
Doodles of butterflies scattered along the page, their wings coloured in by highlighters. The more he read, the more he felt like he knew her, and a feeling of confusion washed over him.
He flicked to the latest page, her last journal entry. The most recent one, labelled a few days ago. Unlike the rest of the entries, that were several paragraphs long, this own was only short. Smudged ink from wet droplets of what looked like tears damaged some words, leaving it difficult to read properly.
TW
"I don't know how to write this one... usually I can write and write and write but... I don't know what to say. I don't want anyone to blame themselves. It was no one's doing, in fact, I've had an incredibly fulfilling life up until the past year. I can only thank every single one of you in my life, especially mommy and my little Haru. You both gave me a purpose to try. I'm sorry that I can't keep trying.
Living is scarier than dying. I don't want to live anymore. To whichever loved ono who is reading this, I'm so incredibly sorry. I love you. And I'll be watching over you. Look for me in the butterflies, I'll make sure to send some your way."
Pain struck his chest, taking his breath with it. He slammed the book shut and shoved it under the blanket again before running out of the bedroom. He ran into his own, slamming the door shut. He tugged at the fabric against his chest, wheezing desperately for simple breath. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't catch it. The room was spinning before him, making him stumble on his own two feet. It suddenly shifted sideways and so did he, collapsing hard against the wood, still fighting for air.
The pain of landing on his shoulder and side of his head coursed through his body, making him curl up into fetal position.
"H-Help-" he wheezed, still unable to breathe. When he remembered that it was only him and Hana in the house, the panic worsened. His lungs tightened and the sensation that they were about to explode made his vision go blank and his body fall limp.
•
"Sasuke... Sasuke... Sasuke!!"
Sasuke's eyes shot wide open and he found himself face-to-face with little sleeping pandas. He lifted his head off the floor, looking around in utter confusion.
Hana was on her knees beside him, staring down at him with concern. Her face looked awfully pale, most likely due to the fact that she thought she had found him dead, until she realised he was breathing. Her hair was soaking wet, sticking to the sides of her face and staining the grey sweatshirt that Sasuke had picked out for her.
Everything felt agonisingly painful. His breath hitched when Hana suddenly pressed the back of her head against his forehead.
"You're burning hot," she frowned, placing her hand on his shoulder, "don't try and stand up just yet. Your parents are on their way. I called them a few minutes ago."
Sasuke clenched his teeth together in pain, his body lightly trembling with his fever. Haha leaned in closer towards him, finding his eyes that had been staring straight ahead.
"Do you remember what happened?" she gently asked, rubbing his shoulder. The touch made his body shudder even more, except it was a different feeling. He didn't recognise it.
"I-" his jaw flexed as he gritted his teeth. He remembered awfully well. "I passed out."
She almost smiled. "Yeah, no shit, but did you feel unwell before that?"
Despite the state of him, he managed to narrow his eyes at her in a glare. Before he could answer, he heard the front door open and a pair of footsteps rushing up the stairs.
•
Hana carefully carried the white porcelain tray up the stairs, her eyes focussed on the overfilled bowl of soup that was threatening to spill over. She nudged Sasuke's door open with her shoulder and greeted him with a delicate smile.
"Your mother made you soup,"
"I don't want any." he muttered from his bed, which he had been sitting in all day because Mikoto refused to allow him to do anything else. His hair was messy, especially at the back, as he leaned against the painted black headboard.
"She said it's one of your favourites, Zosui." she slowly placed the tray on his bedside table.
"That's Itachi's, not mine." Sasuke rolled his eyes and let out an agitated sound. "This is stupid. I'm fine. I'm not sick." He repositioned himself, wincing in pain. Hana sat down at the end of his head, watching him quietly. She fiddled with her hands nervously.
"Sasuke..." she began, grabbing his attention. "I-I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. You had to stand there for an awfully long time while I-"
Sasuke interrupted her quickly, not wanting to hear her nonsense. "I'm not that weak that I can't handle standing for a while."
Hana blinked at him, rubbing the back of her neck. "But if that's not the reason, and you felt well beforehand, then why-"
Sasuke almost let out an audible sigh in relief when the doorbell rang, sending a sweet melody through the entire house.
"Go check who it is." he told her, and she gave him a look of disbelief, balling her hands into small fists and holding them up near her chest.
"Me? I don't know anyone in this town!" she whined.
"Then go make a new friend or something."
Hana let out a huff but decided to comply. "Fine," she began, getting off the bed and walking towards the door, "but only because you're ill."
As she treaded downstairs, she called out to Mikoto and her mother, who were busy in the kitchen, working together to prepare the curry for dinner. "I'll answer it," she told them as she continued past them, down the hallway. She reached the front door and pulled it open, a friendly smile plastered on her face.
"Hi," she greeted enthusiastically, but her smile slightly faltered when she realised that the young, beautiful girl in front of her was not matching in her facial expression. Her eyebrows hung low and her lips were pressed into a tight line. Hana felt unsettled as she watched the girl slowly eye her up and down, before finally she spoke.
"So, you're the girl from the boardwalk," she said.
Huh? She had never seen this girl before in her life and yet, she had seen Hana? The thought of it made her feel uneasy, but she tried to keep calm as she spoke to her.
"Yes, I was at the boardwalk. Who are you?"
The girl ignored her question and peered over her shoulder. "Is Sasuke home?"
Sasuke. Now it made sense. This must be his girlfriend. Hana wasn't surprised, the girl was as good looking as him. Together, she knew they would be a power couple. One that every person on the street would be envious of. The girl looked as if she were straight out of a magazine, her baby pink cami showing off her slim shoulders and collarbones, her porcelain skin unmarked. Her soft blonde hair was braided into two, cascading down to her waist, and her curtain bangs framed her perfect face. She radiated with beauty and happiness, and Hana felt extremely dull beside her.
"He's sick at the moment," Hana said in all honesty, "you can go up to see him if you'd like?" The last thing she wanted to do was to keep the lovebirds away from each other.
"No, it's okay. I don't want to catch anything. Just tell him Kira came over, okay? And tell him to reply to my texts."
Hana nodded. "I will," she said, softly smiling at her again. This time, Kira returned one back, although she hesitated for a moment. She must have realised that Hana was not after her man, and that she was genuinely a kind girl with no bad intentions.
"Alright..." Kira began walking away from the door, and Hana waited politely until she was out of sight before she closed it again. She made her way back up to Sasuke's room, finding him sitting on the side of his bed, his feet touching the ground. Immediately, Hana let out a sound in disapproval, rushing towards him.
"You have to stay in bed!" she exclaimed, holding him by the shoulders to guide him back to the same position he had been in moments ago. Sasuke winced again, his breath getting caught from the pain. He quickly brought his hand over to grab onto the shoulder that he had landed on after he had blacked out, the tenderness scorching through his entire body.
"Sorry, Sasuke," Hana said worriedly. "It's your mother's orders. She doesn't want you to fall again while you're still unstable on your feet."
She sat down again beside him, watching him half-lay there against the headboard. She decided to let him know about his love who had been over to visit him, hoping that it would bring his mood up a little bit. "Are you going to ask me who was at the door?"
"No, I don't care."
His answer didn't surprise her. She continued, "Kira, she asked about you."
Hana stared at him, waiting for his excitement to come through. She really wanted to see this side of Sasuke, and it was already a shock to her that he was capable of being in a relationship with someone.
But Sasuke's face showed no emotion. Hana suddenly felt tension in the air, so she added, "she wants you to respond to her texts."
"I don't have any texts from her. I blocked her a long time ago."
Hana's eyes widened. "W-Wait, what? Why would you block your own girlfriend?" she asked, sounding confused.
"Girlfriend?" Sasuke looked at her now, his cold gaze sending chills down her spine. "She's not my girlfriend, and she will never be my girlfriend. She's no one to me." he said harshly, making her gulp.
She guessed that she wouldn't be seeing that side of Sasuke after all.
Silence fell upon the two, the tension slowly beginning to rise again. Hana shifted uncomfortably where she sat, unsure of what to say to him. Then, she thought, why was she even still in his room? It wasn't like they were friends, and being in bedroom, on top of his bed felt too intimate.
She moved to stand up. "I'll let you get some rest-" she was cut off by her sharp gasp as she is suddenly pulled back onto the bed again. She glanced down at his tight grip around her wrist and then at his face. His onyx eyes bore into her, his face showing something she couldn't exactly pinpoint.
It couldn't be concern, could it?
"What?" she asked, her tone accidentally coming out harshly.
His fingers tighten around her tiny, delicate wrist, only just missing her fresh cuts. Her breaths became shallow as she stared deeply into his eyes, his jaw clenched tightly. Suddenly, she could feel her heart beat against her eardrums, drowning out any muffled sounds coming from downstairs, behind the half-open door.
She squeezed her eyes shut as the pain in her wrist set in. "Sasuke, you're hurting me..."
She let out another gasp when he suddenly let go of her, the force almost sending her body flying off the side of bed. She quickly grabbed the ahold of the mattress to steady herself, reopening her eyes. She looked down at her wrist, analysing the red mark from his grip, peaking out from the top of her sleeve.
She stayed seated for a few more seconds, expecting him to apologise for hurting her. She knew it had been an accident because despite his cold, mean demeanour, he would never intentionally hurt someone like that. However, the apology never came and when she looked up at him, she noticed he was laying down on his side, the blanket pulled up to his ear and his back towards her.
She decided it was best she left without asking any questions.