Okay, so this is a big jumble of old and new parts, so again, continuity errors galore. I had re-written several of the sections in this one, and then went back to add fillers to string them together.
Several agents and myself were sitting around the round table as Fury stood at the front of the room going over the details for our mission. Natasha was sitting to my left and I couldn't draw my attention away from her hand that was absentmindedly drawing something on the table. I kept trying to figure out what it was, but between trying to look like I was paying attention to Fury and my own thoughts beating loudly in my head, I couldn't.
"Once the main extraction of the hostages is done, Romanoff and Rogers will stay behind for a few days and make sure everything is settled before returning on the second jet," Fury kept explaining, I knew that what was really going on was the other agents in the room would do the heavy lifting, and after that Nat and I would stay to keep things safe was just code for the two of us would get to spend some time away from the tower. Fury continued byt I kept half listening. Natasha was looking through the table, her eyes far off and her head clearly somewhere else, odd behavior for her. I noticed a few familiar faces of agents also staring at her, making side chatter about how off and unusual her behavior was, if I heard it I shot daggers at them till they shut up.
"Questions?" Fury asked, and several hands went up, and he started to answer them. I could tell he kept watching Natasha out of the corner of his eye, keeping tabs on the spy to make sure she was okay. She very clearly wasn't.
I myself had a quick question and was about to raise my hand when I felt a familiar pressure on my left shoulder, and looked down to see Natasha's head there. I would have known exactly what it was without looking, but I was in such a state of disbelief that I did need my eyes to confirm it. She would never be so public with a display of affection like this, especially with how Bruce had been lately. I was panicking, this wasn't normal. I dropped my head close to her and held my own breath while I listened to make sure she was breathing... thank goodness, she was. I took a sigh of relief while also being careful not to move too much to disturb her.
"Meeting adjourned," I heard Fury snap mid sentence and cut someone off. I watched the wave of shock go through the room as all the agents got caught off guard by the sudden change in the room, and then watched as they all noticed Natasha passed out on my shoulder. I all but growled at them all, a warning to keep their mouths shut, a few of them immediately found the ground very interesting to look at. The rest of them were already scrambling out of the room.
Once the door closed, I wrapped my arm around her carefully. "Mhh," she gave an agitated groan at that and a bit of a fight. I felt her muscles tense in a panic, but she didn't move any more than that.
"Easy, it's just me Nat," I assured her, and she seemed to relax at that. Within seconds, her breathing was completely evened out again and I knew she was close to a deep sleep.
"She's exhausted," Fury observed, eye slightly wide in fear and shock, the most I had seen from him in a long time.
"I know," I mumbled, keeping my voice quiet since I was so close to her, I didn't want anything to wake her up or disturb her right now... but I was also pretty sure it would take a bomb going off to wake her up. It was so unusual, she was usually such a light sleeper.
We were both silent for a while, just the sounds of her light breathing to fill the room, the severity of the situation was hitting us. She would never do something like this unless she was completely, utterly exhausted. Her body had nothing left to give, she couldn't stay awake through a damned meeting.
"Are you sure sending her on a mission is the right move?" I couldn't help but question it, I knew that she needed a damned break from Banner, but sitting here was too much for her body. How would she make it through an infiltration on a multi-acre base? I knew she was strong, but even the strongest people need fuel to make it through the simplest of tasks.
Fury shook his head and face palmed. "She'll insist on going, if I try to stop her she'll just sneak onto the plane anyway. You need to get her to eat."
I couldn't help but huff a laugh, "you say that like I haven't been desperately trying to get her to eat something since this damned thing started," I snapped sarcastically.
Fury was quiet for a while before he walked to the door, "let her rest, then get her to fucking eat something. I would make some threats, but I feel like you and I both realize the threat here isn't coming from me, it is coming from her." His tone was sinister, and I knew exactly what he meant, her heart could give out at any minute... that thought terrified me more than anything Fury or anyone else could have concocted.
I felt her breathing start to lighten a bit and figured she would be waking up soon. I wasn't sure what to expect, if she would be mad or embarrassed. I could already feel her tensing, so I carefully placed an arm around her and spoke softly, "hey, we're at Avengers HQ, it's just you and me," I whispered.
She stirred a bit more, "sorry, I didn't mean to pass out on you like that," she tried to laugh it off, but just the sound of her voice was weak and worn out.
"Nah, it's fine, you needed the rest," I assured her. I knew she might not be happy about me telling her she needed rest, but she didn't really seem to care.
"Any new mission details I missed?" Nat sat herself up off of me and I immediately missed the closeness. She stretched a bit and then shook her head as the motion caused her hypotension. I waited a few moments for her eyes to go back to normal and refocus before answering, knowing she wouldn't hear anything I said while her head was spinning.
"No, nothing new," I informed her. "We're leaving in an hour, are you packed?"
"Ya, my stuff is already on the jet. You?"
"Yup," I smiled at her, I couldn't help it, she was still the most beautiful woman in the world.
"What?" She laughed, "you're looking at me funny."
"You're gorgeous, you know that?"
"Steve," she scolded, "we're not doing that anymore," but I saw the blush fly across her cheeks. I knew he wouldn't tell her something like that, so I needed to make sure she heard it over and over again as much as I could.
"No, we're not dating anymore," saying out loud hurt so badly, "but does that mean I can't tell you that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen?"
She rolled her eyes but didn't hide the small smile in time, "yes, it means you can't say things like that."
"Would it be okay if I told you that when this is over, assuming you'll still have me, I cannot wait to kiss you again?" Fuck, just the thought of kissing her had me nearly losing my mind in the daydream, it had been far, far too long since I had felt her lips on mine and that might have been driving me slightly insane.
"Yes, you can't say shit like that," she stood up slowly and braced a hand on the back of my chair, and leaned over just long enough to whisper, "even if I feel the same." She regained her shaky balance and walked out while I grinned ear to ear.
Nat P.O.V.
This mission should have been easy, it was going to hell. Two of the agents were already down, and Steve and I got called in. I wasn't supposed to be in active duty, but when I heard the gunfire on the coms and saw the two flatlines from the surveillance truck, I ran in before Steve could stop me.
I was now up in the rafters and balancing across the intricate latticework of the ceiling walking ahead of Steve and the remaining agents. Steve had vehemently protested the new plan, but the other agents and I insisted it was the smartest idea, I was the only one who get up the air vents that led here.
"Steve," I scolded over the coms, "look forward and not up at me, I'm not going to fall."
"I'm sorry for caring," he sarcastically shot back, a few agents snickered despite the situation we were all in.
I skipped a few paces ahead of the group, jumping from one rafter to another, so silent I couldn't hear myself, and I checked the next corner, "two groups of two in the next hall, all armed."
"Copy that, Romanoff," Agent Heartley's voice ran through my ear. I could see as the group of SHIELD agents refocused and got ready for the combat, the unsuspecting goons in the hall had no idea. Heartley dropped to a knee before rounding the muzzle of his gun around the corner, lining up, and quickly taking out one of the teams.
"Next team is coming at you," I warned. Steve slipped his shield around the hallway in front of Heartley so he could round the corner covered, and then shot them down as well.
I scanned the hallway one more time and found it to be clear, "you guys are good to go, I'll check ahead again."
I continued down the new hall, finding a large break in the ceiling work, too large for me to jump. I bit my lip a bit and cocked my head while I quickly scanned a way across. "Nat, circle back and come down," Steve said, "it's too big a jump."
Oh, I hated being told what to do even if he was right. "I can get across," I insisted. I had just spotted some of the woodwork around that I could use to cross the gap.
"Romanoff, don't you do it," Steve growled, his pace picking up so he was running towards the gap.
I rolled my eyes, not that anyone could see, and jumped to the side wall of the building. My fingers found purchase on the decorative carvings as I started to shuffle and parkour my way across. "Natasha!" He scolded, I could hear the fear behind the anger.
I jumped a few feet to the next woodwork section, my grip slipping just a bit on this one, but my other hand caught me. "Fuck, fuck," I heard him curse, not through the com in my ear, but from bellow.
"Shut up Rodgers, it's fine," I seethed, "you're going to get us all killed if you yell like that."
Agent Becker repeated my sentiment.
"I've got this," I affirmed, but I might not. My head was starting to spin, my blood sugar suddenly feeling very low. I quickly crossed this section and then prepped for the large jump to the next section of wooden rafters, those would be easier.
I spared a quick glance below to see Steve, watching with absolute panic as I prepped to jump. I pushed off the wall and turned midair, reaching for the high beam. I gripped it and I carefully slowed the momentum of my body so as to not rip a shoulder out. I started to pull myself up again when my vision started to swim, I felt the fatigue burn through me as my same hand slipped from the top of the rafter to narrowly gripping the bottom ridge or it.
"Nat," Steve panicked, at least this time over coms.
I didn't reply as I focused on steadying my breathing and then bringing my hand back to place. I collected myself enough to pull my body up and around so I was now up and safely on the rafter, it was about eighteen inches across, so I could take a knee for a moment until I felt steady enough to get going.
"You okay?" I realized Steve had switched to our private com channel, and I did so as well to reply.
"Fine, just got a bit light headed," I answered honestly.
"You cannot be lightheaded and up that high, there is no way I can safely catch you if you fall," he reminded me. He had made the point earlier, but I hadn't been so dizzy then. "You take the next air vent down."
"Are you kidding me? This mission is way above the other agents' pay grade, they'll die if we don't help," I insisted, "it was a momentary lapse, I'm fine now, we can finish the mission."
"Nat, I don't care, not when you're that high up. You can come down to safe-" I didn't need to listen to this I decided as I stood up, slowly to avoid anymore hypotension, and walked down the beam.
"Natasha Fucking Romanoff," Steve cursed, his panic settling into anger again. "I swear, you come down here thi-"
"Nope," I muted our private channel and switched back to the main one for the group. I saw Steve throw his head back in exasperation before telling the group to continue, this time not letting me get so far ahead.
I rounded the next corner and my eyes flew open with panic, "run! Turn back!" I yelled into the coms, not caring right now if we were caught. The mission was over. Before me, I saw three men dumping an obscene amount of kerosene all over the building. The very old, very flammable building we were in.
"What?" Agent Johnson asked out loud, coms be damned, we were basically dead anyways. It didn't matter if they knew we were in the building, clearly our team's first siege attempt was enough for the big boss man we were after to turn tail and run, burning any evidence along with his own men to protect himself... along with us.
"They're lighting the building," I ran back to the agents, "go!" I shouted.
Someone shouted behind me, "she's in the ceiling!" I heard an unfamiliar voice call, and then all hell broke loose around me. A shower of bullets assaulted me as I sprang forward, jumping from beam to beam in an attempt to zigzag.
"Nat!" Steve had stopped, but so had the other agents around him.
"Steve, get them out of here!" I ordered, jumping as the footing underneath me fell the long distance to the floor.
"They'll shoot you when you cross the gap," he finally started to move towards an exit though, just as I felt intense heat, enough to know the building was on fire.
"I can figure it out, just get out, it's burning down," I shouted down at him as I kept running. He needed to worry about himself and the men around him, and I knew Steve well enough to know he was a good soldier and would do just that.
But he was right, that gap was going to cause some problems. I found a quick air vent and started to pry it open, letting the grate cover fall to the floor as well, they knew I was here and the building was burning faster than paper.
I was crawling my way through when the metal started to warm up around me, the smoke piling into my lungs. Fuck, the thing was actively melting around me, vents weren't an option. I crawled to the next cover I could find, hissing as the hot metal grazed my hand. I carefully flipped myself around and used the sole of my boot to kick the vent out and crawled out to see what room I had ended up in.
It seemed to be relatively empty, but I was so turned around I didn't know where in the building it was. No windows either. I opened the door to find an inferno waiting, but just past the large open, burning room, there was a gap to outside.
Logic be damned, I ran across and covered my head as I heard building crumple around me, coughing up the smoke as I ran to the smaller and smaller gap, given the flames getting closer to it. I heard a large crack and saw a support beam falling towards me. I didn't have time, so I jumped for the gap, hoping I was in range.
I hit the grass, just barley, and started to scramble away from the fire when I was stopped. My leg got clipped by the fucking beam, I pulled and struggled, but it was stuck. "Steve, do you copy?" I tried the earpiece again, but all I was getting was static.
I twisted and rolled again, but it was no use. I took a few deep breaths and coughed out some of the smoke while I took in my surroundings.
First, I was out of the building, and while I wasn't anywhere near a safe distance away, I was getting fresh air and not smoke inhalation.
Second, it seemed that most of the building was already burned down, or at least the second around me was. I didn't see any large chunks that were at risk of falling on me.
Third, despite the heat, which my suit had been designed to protect me from, I was pretty damn safe here.
I took another large breath of relief at my realization, which just ended in some coughing again, but once I settled down, I relaxed a bit. Steve would find me soon, and help get my foot unstuck, and then I would be just fine. Despite the whole burning building issue and being stuck, it was honestly pretty relaxing right now. Had my bar for relaxing places really fallen so low? How did I feel so much safer here than I did at home?
A blast let out several sparks and some debris flew at me, so I shielded myself and closed my eyes. Probably best I just stayed curled up in this nice, comfy, safe ball. There wasn't much I could do, and I was somehow safer here, and I started to honestly drift off.
Steve P.O.V.
I got the team out and back to the surveillance van. There were no major injuries, so I told them to head out and get on the jet, back to HQ. All their eyes were so wide with what they had just experienced, it was way beyond what they had been ready for. No one predicted that the building was going to burn down, and the team panicked when the flames rose.
I myself was panicking, but for a very different reason. Natasha. I had no idea where she was, the coms were fritzed out, and the building had burned so fast I wasn't sure how the fuck she would have been able to get down from the ceiling in time and get out. As the men pulled away in the van, I scanned the field and saw no sign of her. The building was nearly completely ash or up in flame, the section she was in was red with flame but nearly burnt out at this point.
"NATASHA!" I shouted, but there was no response, nothing called back.
Fear gripped my heart as I sprinted back to the mess. "NAT!" I shouted again, and again, and again, and no response. I walked the perimeter, looking high and low for her, she had been light headed with low blood sugar, fuck, what if she passed out in the fire? What if she- I stopped my own thoughts short as I saw her signature red hair.
She was passed out on the ground, no less than a foot from the burning, "NATASHA!" I ran the distance up to her. I rolled her out of the ball she had curled into and started to pat her face.
I stepped back again, in my panic to find her I had forgotten how jumpy she had been. I was relieved to see that she still could move around this much. Her face and most of the rest of her was smudged with ash and charcoal, but she looked pretty unscathed. "Easy, just me," I knelt down slowly with my hands in plain sight.
She panted a moment more before settling down, eyes still a bit wide. "Ya, ya," she shook her head to clear it, a common habit nowadays.
"Tell me you're okay," it was a question, but it was also something I desperately needed to hear.
"I'm fine, I'm okay," she assured me. "Just a bit stuck," she gave a quick tug on her left leg and I realized that it was pegging in place by a very large support from the building. I should have noticed when she had struggled away from me but barely put any distance between us.
"Fuck," I swore, it had to be heavy, which would explain why she had stayed so close to the fire, "how bad does it hurt?"
"It's not terrible, probably just a sprain," she tugged again on it. I was close enough that I put a hand on her leg lightly to get her to stop pulling at it. She tensed reflexively, but Nat relaxed a second later as her logical brain reminded her it was me. "Mind getting me out?"
"I don't know," I joked knowing that we were in a safe area right now, "maybe we just have to stay here for a while."
"Steve," she pouted playfully, "I want to go take a nap at the safehouse, not on the ground next to the burning building."
"Okay, okay," I snickered. I knew she was tired, she had basically passed out the moment the jet doors closed and was asleep until we landed at the mission site. I stood up and walked over to the beam, squared low and gripped the hot wood. I called all my muscles to work and pulled up, feeling the tension in my body as I fought the weight.
She was pulling away, wiggling to get her ankle out, but it wasn't enough yet. I gritted my teeth and pulled against it more. "Almost there," she encouraged as I kept straining against the weight. I closed my eyes and pushed more.
"There, I'm out, I'm out," she called and I let the damn thing go. I huffed and panted for a moment, I felt her hand on my back as she came over. "You okay?" Nat quietly asked.
"Ya, you?" I opened my eyes and stood up to check her out again.
"I'm fine, it hurts a bit, but I'll live," she leaned against me and was about to nuzzle into my embrace when she backed up fast like touching me burned her more than the building, "shit, sorry. We can't."
"It's okay, we're okay here," I offered my arms for her to come back into, I wanted so desperately to hold her right now.
"No, no. I just got caught up in the moment, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have," she cursed at herself quietly and backed up another step. The step caused her ankle to give out and she dipped.
I quickly stepped forward and stopped her from falling more than a few inches. "Just a sprain, huh?"
"Yes," Nat held her ground, "I just wasn't ready for it."
"Sure," I sarcastically agreed. "I think it would be believable for a fellow agent to carry you back to the safehouse, right?" I asked with a playful eyebrow wiggle.
"Steve," she rolled her eyes (which she was doing more and more), "you'll take any opportunity, won't you?"
"Yes," I didn't bother covering, she was damn right. I would do anything to be near her, to help her, to keep her with me.
"You have no shame," she said, but relented into me as I picked her up again.
"When it comes to you, Natasha Romanoff? No, I have no shame," I placed a quick kiss on her forehead as she laughed and held back onto me. It was definitely a more suggestive and romantic carry then what would happen between two agents or even two friends, but neither of us said that as we walked to our own getaway car
It was a few days later and Natasha and I had stayed behind to 'make sure everything was taken care of.' Nothing came up or went down, as we fully expected, and we enjoyed our few days of peace. Nat had spent a fair portion of it catching up on sleep, which helped me relax as well. Her ankle had also healed a decent bit, it wasn't nearly as swollen or purple anymore.
**
Right now, we were sitting on the edge of an abandoned bridge watching the most beautiful sunset I had seen in ages. Our legs dangling and kicking around above the large free fall. The colors warmed her face and made her pale skin look almost normal, the reds highlighting her hair so beautifully. I just smiled at her, she was gorgeous. She noticed me staring at her and smiled back at me, her grin was hollow, but I could tell it was genuine. She just had so little energy to give. 'Real Natasha' and 'Around Bruce Natasha' were different people, the latter was just a shell. The former one was coming around less and less often, only on longer missions now, and it took so much work to coax something genuine from her. He had his talons so deep, I felt like I was losing her.
I broke our gaze because it hurt to see her eyes so empty. I reached into my bag and grabbed an apple, taking a few bites. I knew she was watching it and I could only imagine the thoughts going through her head, I knew Bruce was only feeding that voice that was telling her she didn't deserve food, that she needed to lose more weight.
So casually, I held the half eaten apple out to her, "want some?" I offered like it was nothing, yet everything was hanging on it.
She didn't immediately reject it, get mad, swat it out of my hand, or shove me off the bridge (all outcomes I had anticipated). She just stared at the apple like it was a live bomb, then her gaze flicked to me, and back to the apple. She looked at it sheepishly, something so rare for her, she looked at me with questions in her eyes. I could see the wheels in her brain turning a million miles a minute, and I didn't dare move an inch. I didn't twitch a single muscle in my face, I didn't let my outstretched hand with the food move a fraction of a millimeter. This was a huge step for her right now, even if she didn't take it, this considering was big. Hope was growing in my chest and it made it so hard not to move.
Her gaze stopped flicking between me and the apple and had just settled on the fruit, she looked at it like it was an unsolvable math problem. Come on Nat, please, I was internally begging. She was so damned close. She hesitantly and slowly reached out and took the apple from me. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and I was so damned happy that I thought I could combust.
I didn't say anything, I just let my gaze go back out to the sunset, let her think I didn't care all that much. I knew she knew I did, but I wasn't going to add any pressure onto her. She held it in her hands and stared at it for another small eternity, occasionally turning it and studying it a bit.
The sun was almost down and I was about to give up hope of her eating any when she gingerly brought it to her lips and took the smallest bite. Fireworks were going off in my heart at the victory, she was eating in front of me. I didn't know the last time she had solid food was, and so this seemed like a miracle. I didn't let any of that show, didn't make any fuss over her while my brain was begging to tell her how proud I was of her.
She took three more bites, so small that they probably added up to a 'normal' sized bite, but she was eating. Afterwards, she offered the apple back to me, and I finished it. She took the core from me and threw it off the cliff, neither of us saying a word.
The sun had set and a slight chill started to creep over the two of us. I knew that the cold would never bother her, but with all the weight she had lost, I knew she was cold all the time, and the outside temperature dropping only made it worse. She was trying her best to stop any shivering, but I knew her body was trying anything to warm itself up. I stood up and stretched, "we should be getting back, I'm tired," I yawned.
She didn't move, just kept staring out over where the sun had gone down. I looked her over as a small tear fell down her cheeks. She was trying hard not to cry, fighting to keep those tears inside. I sat back down and took my coat off, wrapping it around her. I knew she didn't like it when I fussed over her, but she let me do it. She didn't move apart from another tear following the first one.
We sat in silence while the nocturnal animals started their calls and the chill only grew, she didn't move and neither did I. She got to choose what happened, I wanted to give her as many choices as I could, even if I hated seeing her so cold.
"I don't want to cry," she finally whispered, almost inaudible even in the mostly silent night.
"Why not?" I questioned gently, "you know you can around me."
"I know," she inhaled sharply to fight the tears, "crying just takes so much effort, I don't want to. I'm tired."
Oh, that hurt something deep within me. I didn't know what to say, "okay," was what I settled on. "What do you want?"
She didn't speak, but I saw a million answers form and die on her lips. She was quivering with the effort it took to keep the tears in, and I decided I didn't like her getting shaky so close to the edge of the bridge. "Let's go back," I suggested, standing again and offering her a hand up.
"No," she immediately answered, the strongest sound I had heard from her in a while.
"Okay," I eased back down, "can I put an arm around you?" I asked, I wasn't going to touch her without consent. She had enough of that from Bruce.
"Yes," she responded, voice quiet again. I slowly and carefully folded her into my arms, just lightly queuing her to lean into me. She was cold to the touch, and I hoped that I was warming her up a bit. She eventually relented into my queue and leaned back into me, and I was glad that she wasn't in so much danger of falling off the edge... and I loved having her back in my arms.
"This good?" I asked, making sure she was okay, giving her the opportunity to say something rather than making her come to it on her own.
"Yes," she hummed, a satisfied sound.
"May I ask why you don't want to go back?" I felt her muscles tighten and I feared she was going to pull away, figuratively and literally, "you don't have to answer," I quickly added.
A long pause, so long I didn't think she was going to reply. "If we leave," she sucked in a shaky breath, "then we have to go back tomorrow. I don't want this moment to end." She started to sob just a bit, straining to control her emotions and rein them back in.
"Oh," was all I offered, trying to pick my next words carefully. I wanted to offer to stay here with her forever, never go back to the tower or Bruce, but I knew she would hate that and never take me up on it. She would consider it selfish to endanger anyone else or push the problem onto others. "We have another 'mission' next week, maybe we could leave a bit early for it?"
"There isn't anything we can do, Steve," she scolded. I knew she wasn't mad at me, just mad at the situation. She felt trapped, which I happened to know was her least favorite feeling. "I know I said we can't do this anymore," and I assumed that this was a reference to our romantic relationship, and my heart skipped a beat in anticipation of what the next thing she was going to say was. "Can you just hold me tonight?" She shook as she asked, more tears escaping her.
My soul bloomed and warmed at just the idea of being able to hold her again, "yes, absolutely," I smiled down at her. This was right, when there was so much going wrong, having her in my arms was right. She snuggled in close to me, and relaxed more. Tension released from her that I imagined she had been holding onto for quite a while.
More time passed, the barely visible crescent moon had nearly risen to its full height in the sky, "Nat?" I quietly asked. She was starting to shiver more and I wanted to get her somewhere warm.
"Hmmm?" She hummed a soft response, her eyes had closed a while ago and remained so when she answered.
"Let's go back to the safehouse," I suggested, and I felt her start to tense back up. "Easy," I quickly amended, "we're just going back so we can sleep and I can warm up a bit," I made it about me, not her. We both knew I was lying, but neither of us said anything.
"Don't let me go," she whispered impossibly quietly, "please," she added somehow in a softer tone.
I was beaming, "of course," I scooped her up closer to me and picked her up while I stood up. She nuzzled in and my heart bloomed, this was everything to me, she was everything.
I held her the whole walk back to our safehouse, which was no more than five minutes, but I slowed my gait, just enjoying holding her. She was about half asleep when I fumbled with the lock and entered the home, closing and relocking the door behind me. I walked right over to where the bed was and carefully placed her down, then curled myself around her again. Covering us both up with all the covers and blankets on the bed, anything to get her warming up.
I placed a kiss on her temple without thinking about it, and I tensed as I worried she would pull back. The lines between us were so unclear lately and the last thing she or I needed was to blur them more. She just gave a soft and satisfied purr and she snuggled closer into me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer, this was right. We both knew it was right, and we both felt safe here, and we both wished to hell and back that it would be a normal thing again.
I woke up to the sun shining in my eyes and it took me a moment to adjust to see where I was. But the only thing that really mattered was who I knew I was curled around, my eyes went right to Natasha. Her face was so cute as she slept, the sun hadn't yet hit her eyes. She was breathing softly and definitely still asleep, the only time she was ever fully relaxed as of late.
It almost felt like none of the shit was happening, it felt like before Bruce asked her out and the two of us were still together, it almost felt like old times. I desperately wanted to lean down to place a kiss on the top of her head, but I knew she needed rest where she could get it, and I didn't want to wake her. She didn't sleep well at the tower, I saw the bags forming under her eyes grow every day we were there, and she would be so tired at the start of our missions, making up for lack of sleep when she was near Bruce.
I felt so powerless to do anything for her, it felt like all my attempts at help were futile or just made things worse for her. Before now, whenever threats faced her, I could shield her from them... but not this. I felt guilty for not being able to save her. I felt anxious all the time now. When she wasn't with me I was terrified Bruce was doing something to her or that she had collapsed from all the exhaustion and malnutrition. The only thing that helped the nerves was when she was by my side, safe.
I was pulled from my thoughts by a twitch coming from her. I refocused on her, finding her once relaxed face to be scrunched in fear. She shook again, and I realized she was having a bad dream. "Nat, wake up," I moved myself a little to stimulate her into waking.
She didn't, before I could try again, she started to thrash desperately, scaring the shit out of me. I was thrown off of her and the bed. It looked like she was fighting for her life, her eyes still closed but her face was desperate. "Nat!" I jumped back onto the bed and grabbed her by the shoulders. I hated to do so, but I didn't want her to keep having her nightmare. I shook her around, "Nat, wake up!" I shouted again, and this time, she opened her eyes, but she wasn't looking at me, she was looking far off.
"GET OFF OF ME, BRUCE!" She screamed and started to fight even harder, somehow. She was trying to wriggle out of where I was holding her shoulders so I immediately let go. I got far away from her, giving her space.
It took a moment but she stopped fighting, she sat there panting hard. Her eyes started to focus and look around the room, realize where she was and what was going on. Her green orbs settled on me, and there was so much hurt there.
"Steve," she panted in realization, "I'm so sorry, I thought you were him," she apologized. The tears that she had fought so hard to keep in yesterday were now freely falling. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in her hands, crumpling into a tight ball. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she kept repeating.
"Hey, easy," I slowly walked back over to the bed, my hands up. "I'm going to sit down, okay?" I asked, I knew she couldn't see me and I didn't want to startle her.
She gave a small nod, but she kept her head down.
I sat slowly on the bed, she braced. I was worried about her enough right now not to be raging mad at Bruce for making her so scared. "Did you have a bad dream?"
She huffed a sarcastic laugh, "wow, how did you figure that out?" She got out between sobs.
I smiled, Natasha would always be sarcastic, the world could be ending and she would still have some quip. "Smartass," I joked right back.
"Language," now her laugh was genuine.
"Oh yes, my apologies," it was my turn to be sarcastic.
There was another long silence, only broken by the sniffles from her regaining composure. "I'm sorry," she whispered faintly, "I thought you were him, I didn't mean to-"
"Nat, you don't need to be sorry, you have nothing to apologize for," I stopped her. I didn't want to interrupt her, but that train of thought wasn't going to help.
"But I feel guilty," she finally looked up at me, her eyes held so much pain.
Oh, I hated seeing her like this. I tried, and failed, to keep my pity look from coming out. "I want you to know that you have nothing to apologize for, especially not to me, not ever to me. But I know you feel like you do, so for whatever you feel guilty for, you are forgiven," I smiled at her, hoping to reassure her somewhat.
I was always worried I wasn't saying the right thing, but the smile she gave me made me believe I had said it, or was at least close. She held out her hand and I gladly took it, "I don't want to be scared of you touching me," she admitted, "and it's not you, it's me... but sometimes I just get confused and I can't separate your touch from his in the moment."
I knew it was a trauma survivor response, to get away from the danger before thinking about it, before processing it. "It's not you Nat, it's him, it's his fault," I seethed, I was seriously going to kill Bruce. "You don't have to apologize for your instincts and reflexes, it's your brain trying to keep you safe."
She just nodded. I knew she would feel guilt no matter what I did, so I decided to work on comforting her rather than continue to fight that. "Do you want me to hold you again? It's your cho-" I was going to tell her it was her choice, but she sprung into my arms faster than I could finish the sentence. I laughed at how adorable she was, and I wrapped her in my embrace and held her close.
"Yes," she answered my question verbally this time, making us both laugh again.
A long time passed like this, and she fell back asleep in my arms. I leaned just a fraction of an inch so I was resting against the headboard now, and she slept through that. Nat was the lightest sleeper I knew, the fact that she was sleeping through my movement spoke to her true exhaustion. I also grabbed her phone from the bedside table, given that mine was on the other nightstand.
I didn't go through any of her messages or contacts, I would never do that or breach her trust in that way when I had worked so hard to gain it. I opened our Kindle app. Yes, 'our' Kindle app. No one knew that we shared one, it was our way of staying connected on long missions (and now through this whole Bruce situation). I opened my book from her phone and resumed reading while she got more of her much needed rest.
A few hours later she started to stir again, it was very different then last time. It was a small roll closer to me and a hum as she stretched her legs out a bit. "Morning," I softly spoke, just to remind her she was with me and she was safe.
She just hummed more as she continued to stretch, moving her arms now and twisting her back a bit. She eventually settled back down into me, eventually deigning to open her eyes. She looked up at me from where her head was resting on my chest, and I smiled back down at her. "Reading?" She assumed based on her phone being in my hand, it had become a common thing for us when we were together and on all these missions.
"Ya," I smiled, "I honestly needed to catch up on some reading, so it was very convenient that this beautiful excuse fell asleep in my lap."
"Oh, so that's all I am, an excuse?" She laughed as she sat up more, twisting my words to see what I would do.
"No, you're much more than that," I kissed her on the forehead. I so badly wanted to kiss her lips, but I would let that be her call. She dragged herself up more so now she was fully laying on top of me, she tossed the phone from my hand onto the floor, a devious smirk on her face. "What?"
She moved so her lips were hovering inches from mine, "kiss me," she asked, as if reading my previous thoughts.
"Are you sure?" I don't know how I had enough self control to ask that, I wanted to so badly.
"You don't want to?" She pulled back and I saw fear flash in her face, that was not the reaction I wanted. I had just wanted to make sure she was fully okay with it, not that I had any reservations. I knew there was no way my words could tell her how badly I wanted to, so I sat forward to close the distance she had made and crashed my lips onto hers.
I was slow and gentle at first, which took a large amount of restraint, but if she wanted to back out, I made sure that was possible. I waited for her next move, and she kissed me right back. Gosh, our lips were made to be on each other, this was bliss. The second I received that okay from her, I deepened our kiss, claiming her as mine while she claimed me. I asked for entrance with my tongue on her lips, and she gladly let me in, I felt her lips turn up in a smile.
Her hand found the side of my head, and I carefully placed mine on the back of her neck, she seemed okay with it. I didn't want to trap her, so it lightly rested there rather than pulling her close to me like it wanted to. She seemed to get the message anyway and somehow got closer to me, our chests touching and soon my other arm was wrapped around her back. The kiss became frenzied with need and desire and love, intensity between us as we both couldn't get enough of each other after so long of not being able to be together.
Every part of my being was focused on her, so I didn't miss when she started to slow down a fraction. I didn't know if it was from hesitation or from fatigue, but I broke the kiss off (believe me, I didn't want to, but she came first... she would always come first), but I kept our foreheads together while we both panted. "Does that answer your question, Romanoff?" I laughed, I almost forgot what had started this.
She laughed right back, "maybe, but I could use some more convincing," she grinned as I placed my lips back on hers. This kiss wasn't as out of control, and I ended it quickly by sucking on her bottom lip and biting down just a bit as I pulled away, she giggled again. She had always loved that.
"Better?" I confirmed.
"Yes," she affirmed.
We stayed like that for a long time, sharing each others' breaths and realizing what had just taken place and what had to happen when we went back to the tower. I swore I could feel her pulling back into that shell and further away from me, even when she wasn't physically distancing from me at all. "Steve," she whimpered.
"I know," was all I could say. I started to rub her back a bit, and she still didn't move.
"We have to go back," her voice held so much fear, all I wanted to do was run away with her. Would Bruce even give a shit if we just didn't come back? But Nat wouldn't take that risk, wouldn't risk other people.
"I know," I repeated. I wasn't going to offer to run away for the umpteenth time. I knew it pissed her off, so I just imagined it myself for a minute.
"We should probably pack," she stated, yet she wasn't moving away still.
"Ya," I agreed, but I wasn't ending this moment, it would be her call when she was ready to... and believe me, I was more than happy to stay here forever.
It took a moment, but she did pull back, and I immediately missed her warmth and closeness to me. The second she pulled away I removed my hands and made sure she had no resistance in getting up. Before this whole thing, I would have playfully held her to me and she would have laughed while she tried to get free, and I would relent when she would tickle me... but that was before. I was scared that I would do something that would make her upset, trigger something in her that he did, or hurt her. I had to be careful right now, because he was breaking her everyday. Have I mentioned I would be killing him the moment I could?
We packed up our things from around the safehouse and walked over to the extraction jet. It was a quick hike, just a mile or two, but Nat loved it. Honestly, the place this mission was at was one of the most gorgeous places we had ever been sent, and this hike through the pine woods was no exception to that. The trail wasn't all that well maintained to cover the location, so there was lots of climbing involved, which I knew she loved as well. She just seemed very free and at peace right now, and I was happy to walk behind her and watch her enjoy life. I hadn't seen her like this in a while, and I couldn't wipe the smile from my face.
We were climbing the last little cliff and pulled ourselves up to see the jet. Her face dropped, the jet meant going home. I walked up behind her, my steps loud so she knew where I was, and I took her bag from her. She seemed relieved to take it off. Nat had insisted on carrying one despite my protest, but clearly the weight got to her. She was still weak because she wouldn't eat, and the hike might have been fun, but it had a cost.
I opened the side hatch and threw the bags in unceremoniously, there wasn't anything breakable in them. I waited for her to walk over to the ramp with an extended arm to help her up the steps, I would always be a gentleman. "Can you go in first?" She asked.
I didn't understand why, but if she wanted it, I would do it. "Okay," I agreed as casually as I could, climbing in myself. I was puzzling out why she would want me in first while trying not to stare at her to make sure she was okay. She was taking in the surroundings one last time before she walked over and boarded herself, each step closer seemed to darken her mood. I still offered a hand up, and she did take it.
Nat programmed the autopilot to take us back, neither of us liked flying due to different reasons. We both sat in the back in silence for a while, "thank you, for everything," she smiled up at me.
"Of course," I smiled right back. I would do anything for her, none of what we did on that mission felt like a chore to me, but I knew in her mind she had convinced herself that was how I felt. "Thank you," I repeated.
"For what?" She inquired, her eyebrow raising in confusion.
"For what?" I was baffled that she couldn't tell, "for saving my ass on that mission, first off. For being my best friend, for making me smile, f-" I could have gone on but she interrupted me.
"Oh, shut up, Steve," she laughed, playfully slapping at my shoulder like she always did, but I saw the blush creeping on her cheeks. That made me grin.
The plane ride back was like it always was, every mile closer to the tower she sucked back into her shell farther and farther. She shut me out and put her walls back up, I saw the change physically and felt it in the air around her. This Natasha was not the same Natasha as I had woken up to, and while I loved them both desperately so, I hated that she had to put up all these defenses to survive Bruce. I didn't make a fuss when we got back, I let her grab her bag and walk right out of the jet like nothing had happened on the mission. I knew she was probably going to the training room when she should be going to get food or rest, but I held my tongue. I eventually left as well, back to my room to ponder how to get her out of this.