[OP] Randomly register an account. Posted on January 16, 2017, 14:34:00
In the end, I really hate the character setting my mom gave me when she gave birth to me, where I cry loudly whenever we have an argument. It's not cool at all!!!
[1st Comment] Big White is Confused: Hahaha, I burst out laughing when I read this.
[2nd Comment] wnjh_0518: It wasn't your mom who chose it for you; it was your own choice when you were reincarnating.
[3rd Comment] [OP] Randomly register an account: You, go away.
[4th Comment] wnjh_0518: Wow, Xiao Xi replied to me!!!
[OP] Randomly register an account. Posted on January 16, 2017, 14:34:00
Being objective, I won't completely vilify A. He hasn't been that bad to me, and there have been one or two moments where I thought we could grow old together.
My family situation is quite complicated. My parents divorced when I was young, and my dad went abroad ten years ago. My mom raised me and my sister alone in X City. In my senior year of college, my mom suddenly had a heart attack and passed away. At that time, I felt like my whole world collapsed. After crying for a few days, I became emotionally numb, couldn't eat anything, and could only drink water. In a daze, I followed my sister, brother-in-law, and maternal relatives to handle my mom's funeral. During that time, A was with me all along. Even when I irrationally got angry, he endured it and tried to feed me every day. My sister probably knew about my sexual orientation without explicitly mentioning it, but we all understood. So she should have a good impression of A.
On New Year's Eve, my sister took me to her in-laws' place to celebrate. It was lively with lots of relatives I didn't know, and I was afraid of chatting with strangers. Everyone kept trying to introduce potential partners to me, and it wasn't pleasant to stay there all day. So I made an excuse and went back home on the first day of the Lunar New Year. In the past, my mom and I used to make dumplings at home during the New Year, even if it was just the three of us, we were happy. That year, it was just me alone for the first time, and I felt an intense sense of frustration and loneliness. I had grown up, but before I could repay my mom, she was gone, and this made no sense.
However, many things in life make no sense.
On the first day of the Lunar New Year, I sat at home listening to the firecrackers outside. I really wanted to see A. I knew B had come back for the New Year, and their families lived on different floors. A should cherish every day B was back. For some reason, I wanted to challenge myself and see if A would come to see me. If he did, I would consider it a victory, and we could be together well in the future. If he didn't come, then so be it. My mom didn't want me anymore, so I would love whoever I wanted.
I sent A a text message, saying I was home alone and asked if he could come to accompany me. There was no response for a long time, and I almost gave up hope. But eventually, A replied, saying okay.
A has this strange ability. Every time I had the idea of breaking up with him, he seemed to sense it and would do one or two things to reignite my hope.
I couldn't speak, couldn't let go, and couldn't break up.
A came to see me the next day and stayed with me at home for two days. We didn't do much, just bought groceries, cooked, watched TV, and played games. I even started to fantasize about us living together after graduation, just buying groceries, cooking, watching TV, and playing games like this for a lifetime.
Well, unrealistic fantasies. Later, C told me that if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have just stayed with me for two days and then left. He would have considered my situation before the Lunar New Year and come to be with me voluntarily.
"If he likes you, he will come to accompany you on New Year's Eve. Do you understand?"
Now, I understand, but I didn't then. At that time, I had set my expectations too low. A's two-day presence was already a pleasant surprise for me, a signal that he might value me more than B. It was enough to dispel the darkness that had settled in my heart for too long.
[1st Comment] Watch Me Roll My Eyes at You: Sweetheart, what's going on? We haven't even started scolding you, and you're already busy whitewashing the scumbag?
[2nd Comment] YY You Jia: But you can't completely whitewash him... Haha, scumbag.
[3rd Comment] That Flower, That Person, That Dog: I have no right to criticize you; I was just as naive as you were, sigh.
[4th Comment] wnjh_0518: I won't listen, won't listen, won't listen (covering ears.jpg). Xiao Xi, I dare you to forgive A; I'll cry right here to show you!
[5th Comment] Meow Maoo: Is Xiao Xi now left with just his sister as a relative? I want to hug you, sniffles (;'༎ຶД༎ຶ')
[OP] Randomly register an account. Posted on January 16, 2017, 22:11:33
To answer your questions: 1. I never said I want to forgive A; it's not about forgiving or not forgiving but about whether we love each other. He didn't love me before, and now I don't love him; 2. Besides my sister, I also have a dad. We keep in touch every month, but he only comes back to the country every few years. Should I tell you that my dad is gay? Well, maybe I won't.
Continuing my story.
During the two years when B was abroad, I thought I got along pretty well with A. Though occasionally, he would flake on me for various reasons, the frequency was much less than before. He liked traveling, and during those two years, we visited several cities. I, who used to fear water, even learned to swim and got a scuba diving license with him. Sometimes, when he was in the mood, he would hug me in crowded places.
However, there were things I only realized later, like the fact that he never posted any individual photos of us on social media. If there were photos with me, there would always be photos of his other friends too. I used to console myself, thinking that he didn't want to make his sexual orientation too obvious on social media, as society still holds a lot of prejudice against gays.
After I broke up with A, I went out to have dinner with one of his friends once, and his friend accidentally let slip: Before B had a girlfriend, A used to post many individual photos of them together. Almost half of our high school knew that A liked B, but they seemed to have a fight later, so he deleted them. However, as far as I know, A still keeps all those photos in his phone gallery.
So, there's no issue of A caring about others' opinions; he probably just thought I wasn't worthy, that's all.
[1st Comment] YY You Jia: What? Xiao Xi, what did you say about your dad?
[2nd Comment] I Want to Be the Pirate King: Xiao Xi, you've become cunning. You're learning to keep us in suspense.
[OP] Randomly register an account. Posted on January 16, 2017, 22:13:32
It's getting late, and I've shared a lot today; I'm so tired. Thank you all for listening to my story. I'm leaving now; I need to sleep early for good skin.
Goodnight (＾ω＾)
[1st Comment] wnjh_0518: Hold onto Xiao Xi, don't let him go!