[OP] Randomly register an account. Posted on January 16, 2017, 11:48:50
I don't know where to start.
I once had a boyfriend, and I was the one who pursued him. Let's call him A. I first saw A when I was a freshman. He was shining on the school basketball court, running and jumping around. With a few three-pointers, he made all the girls in the audience scream. Coincidentally, he looked exactly like the type I liked, so that day, I acted impulsively. I bought a bottle of mineral water and waited for him on the side, but of course, there were too many girls trying to give him water, and I couldn't even get close.
By the end of that day, I hadn't even spoken to him, but it didn't stop him from attracting me. I kept my eye on him, and the longer I observed him, the more he matched my preferences. As a face-chaser like me, I didn't have many principles. After living for nearly 20 years, he was the first person who was my type from head to toe, so I made my move directly.
It was my first time pursuing someone, and I had no experience. I didn't know how to flirt or play hard to get, and I was especially naive. I tried my best and finally joined the school's basketball team, though I ended up sitting on the bench (later, I switched to logistics). I also signed up for the Japanese crash course he was taking (to understand Japanese adult movies). In short, I tried everything to be wherever he was.
I didn't care how others saw me. At that age, with questionable intelligence, I believed love was the most important thing. If I liked you, I would pursue you. Whether I could catch you was another matter, but at least you had to know that I liked you.
Later, I realized that the main reason I, with my ordinary conditions, could pursue him successfully was due to my gender advantage. A was gay, and I don't know if he was naturally gay or turned gay for some "unattainable" guy, but in any case, he was as uninterested in girls as a mosquito coil. So, I easily won against those little girls twittering around.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm a guy. Of course, I'm this adorable because I'm a guy (・(ｪ)・)
Speaking of which, it's quite miraculous. A was inexplicably won over by me, and we ended up being together for five years. Although most of the effort during these five years came from me, I was foolishly willing to do it and felt quite happy about it.
[1st Comment] An Artist: So, I joined a gay buddy thread.
[2nd Comment] Little Sail Fan: Too long; didn't read. Split, please.
[3rd Comment] Giving You a Side-eye: OP, what are you talking about? Who are you trying to break up with? A?
[OP] Randomly register an account. Posted on January 16, 2017, 13:11:55
Hold on, everyone, I just had dinner.
Talking about being in a five-year relationship with him, in fact, I probably just assumed we were in a relationship.
For him, it was like having a nanny, a patient one at that.
He has a younger "brother" he grew up with, not by blood but probably a neighbor or something, let's call him B.
We are all from the same university.
A treats B exceptionally well. If it's raining, he goes to give him an umbrella. If B is sick, A uses taking care of him as an excuse to stand me up. Once, we had bought plane tickets to Thailand for the National Day holiday, but the day before the trip, he said he couldn't go because B had gastroenteritis. I was naturally angry, but A said B was like a real brother to him, so how could he go on a trip when his little brother was sick?
At that time, I thought A made sense, and it showed that he was a responsible person. I completely ignored the fact that A never came to pick me up when it rained, and when I was sick, all he did was buy some medicine and tell me to drink more hot water. (Heh heh, drink hot water...)
Shaking my head at that time, you could probably hear the sound of the ocean.
[1st Comment] Giving You a Side-eye: Your head must be filled with the four continents and five oceans, right? (Smiling.jpg)
[2nd Comment] shadowwww: 66666, OP, lift your head and see if you can spot a green light.
[3rd Comment] King of Pesticides, Pesticides: He's so terrible; why don't you break up with him after the Qingming Festival?
[OP] Randomly register an account. Posted on January 16, 2017, 13:38:10
I realized something was wrong (I still have a tiny bit of brains, maybe 0.1% of a normal person, not more), it was during B's birthday. That year I was in my second year of college, and A and I had been together for almost a year. My birthday is in February, and A went home for the Chinese New Year, so we weren't together. I was the one who proactively called him to remind him... I had a vague premonition that he wouldn't remember. Maybe it was to make things less awkward the next time we met, or maybe it was due to some ridiculous pride, but I foolishly asked him on the phone what gift he had prepared for me...
As you might imagine, I received a lengthy silence and an awkward response. I knew he had forgotten, he was in a bad mood, so we exchanged a few words and hung up. We didn't contact each other much during that vacation, and suddenly I realized that as long as I didn't reach out to him, he wouldn't initiate contact with me.
When the new semester started, he asked to meet me. I thought he was going to break up with me, and at that time, I didn't love him that much, so breaking up would have been fine, and there wouldn't have been so much entanglement and pain later on. A gave me a pair of sneakers, saying it was to make up for my birthday gift. I don't know if he was just lucky, but he happened to buy the exact pair that I really wanted. So, I forgave him without much hesitation, and all the anger I had accumulated over the vacation disappeared instantly. Looking back, even if he had given me a random trinket that day, I would have forgiven him. There's just no logic when it comes to loving someone.
Oh, wasn't I supposed to talk about B's birthday? I got off track again...
B's birthday is in April. Sometimes on weekends, I stay with A in a room, cough cough, we do homework, talk about our dreams, and do some other things I don't want to describe. One time, he went to take a shower, and his WeChat kept buzzing with messages from C, his good buddy. C asked him, "What will that little stream think of you doing this?" There were no other "little streams" around him, so the "little stream" should be referring to me. Since they mentioned me, I couldn't help but take a look at their chat history (his phone didn't have a lock password).
Okay, I admit that looking at his chat history was wrong. But anyway, in these five years, besides checking his chat history, have I done anything that would hurt him? I can't recall, probably not...
A was discussing with C how to celebrate B's birthday. He was so careful, as if he was pursuing B. He thought of seven or eight different plans, sometimes thinking one wouldn't suit B's temperament, and other times thinking another wouldn't be to B's liking. I always thought A was the kind of person who was a bit indifferent to everyone and didn't care much about others' feelings.
This is what they call self-deception, and it's a bit ridiculous. In fact, he was just indifferent to me and didn't care about my feelings. When it came to someone he liked, he was quite patient.
In the end, even C got annoyed with A and sent two WeChat messages directly:
"What will that little stream think of you doing this?"
"If you like B, then break up with the little stream and pursue him. Stop dilly-dallying."
How can I describe my feelings at that moment? My hand holding the phone was shaking. The word "like" hit me particularly hard because, for me, it felt like a luxury. A had never said he liked me, but C easily said it on his behalf, just not directed at me. Maybe deep down, I already knew that A didn't really like me, but that was the first time I openly accepted the fact that he liked B.
After understanding this, everything A did in the past suddenly made sense. It's just that I was foolish; it took me almost a year of being together to realize it. I guess everyone around him had known for a long time, and it was as clear as a mirror in their hearts.
[1st Comment] An Artist: Damn, reading this makes me a bit angry. A is trash. OP, how did you stay with him for five years?
[2nd Comment] Avant-Garde Cat: It takes two to tango.
[3rd Comment] B-Yuan: Hello, little stream, I am the Yangtze River.
[4th Comment] Do You Believe Me? I'll beat you up: Hello, Yangtze River, I am the Yellow River.
[5th Comment] MeowMaoo: The comments above are so boring...
[6th Comment] You're the Most Beautiful: I feel for OP. After being together for five years, the worst thing you did to A was sneak a peek at his chat historyヾ(д° )ノ゛
[7th Comment] Avant-Garde Cat: Feeling for OP +1
[OP] Randomly register an account. Posted on January 16, 2017, 14:01:00
How did I stay with him for five years?
Good question. Later, B went abroad for an exchange program, and A treated me better than the first year.
Five years went by quickly, in a daze, unconsciously, and they just passed by.
[OP] Randomly register a username. Posted on January 16, 2017, 14:31:21
That day, A came out of the shower and saw me sitting in front of the TV, completely stunned. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I had seen his chat history with C.
A doesn't like others touching his things, and looking at chat history is considered invading privacy, so he must have been unhappy. But I didn't feel like explaining myself; I was even more unhappy than he was.
Ah, I don't really want to talk about what happened next; it's a bit embarrassing...
A didn't say anything and just picked up his phone to check and reply to C. The crucial thing is that he didn't even try to explain anything to me.
The more I thought about it, the more wronged I felt. I thought about all the things I did for him - waking up early in the morning, walking fifteen minutes to West Gate to buy his favorite breakfast and then walking back, even when I didn't have classes; I remembered things he mentioned wanting to buy and found ways to get them for him; once, he said he wanted a limited edition pair of shoes from a certain brand, and they were so popular that I couldn't get them, but I ended up buying them from a friend at three times the price and survived on instant noodles for a month.
There were so many things like that, some of which I can't even remember anymore. I put so much effort into treating him well, making him happy, hoping that he might like me even just a little bit more. Yet, he wouldn't even give me a simple explanation.
What hurts the most? The little details in life hurt the most.
Originally, I had planned to confront him and, if necessary, have a fight with him. But before I could say anything, I burst into tears... and the more I cried, the more I lost control. I was gasping for breath, unable to speak clearly, how could I even fight with him? (Heh, heh, jpg.)
A was stunned; it was the first time I cried in front of him. Tears and snot were flowing, and I cried intermittently, saying, "You... you don't like... me... it's okay, let's break up... let's break up."
A came over with a tissue to wipe away my tears and snot, and after he finished, he hugged me gently, patting my back. He was so gentle with me, the first time like that, which made me feel like he might have some feelings for me after all.
A explained, "B is going abroad for an exchange program next semester, so I want to give him a good birthday." After saying that, he kissed my forehead and then hugged me onto the bed.
Have any of you ever been held by someone you like, with their arms around you, patting your back, and kissing your forehead? If you have, then you might understand why I let this matter go (I'm sitting in front of the computer, lacking confidence, and whispering this(。_ 。) ). At that moment, I felt like he still had a tiny bit of affection for me; otherwise, he wouldn't have bothered comforting me. Moreover, B was about to go abroad, and no matter what A felt for him, they wouldn't be able to see each other frequently anymore. Even if A only liked me a little now, I had time and opportunities to treat him even better and make him like me more and more.
As it turned out, there's always an insurmountable gap between ideals and reality. Despite my five years of effort, I still couldn't compete with B's place in his heart. Everything I thought would move him eventually only touched myself. If someone were to ask me now whether it's worth trying to move someone who doesn't love you, my answer would be no, absolutely not. The more you give, the deeper the wounds in the end. Someone who doesn't love you won't suddenly start loving you, and even if they say they do in the end, can you be sure that it's love and not just gratitude? Or can you be sure that they love you for who you are and not just for the role you play in their life as a caregiver?
Now, whenever I look back, my heart aches for my past self. I was so single-mindedly foolish, wasting five years, and the most tragic thing is that this relationship drained me of my affection and love, leaving me with no ability to love someone else.
[1st Comment] Avant-Garde Cat: You touched the tiger's bottom.
[2nd Comment] Do You Believe Me? I'll beat you up: It's not me saying this, LZ, your heart is too soft... you deserve it...
[3rd Comment] That Flower, That Person, That Dog: I once liked someone who didn't love me back, and I spent years bending over backward for him. I almost pulled out my heart and liver to make medicine for him. In the end, he cheated on me and even made a fuss with the other woman. When you're young, who hasn't loved a few scumbags? (Sad jpg.)
[4th Comment] Big White is Confused: Hugs for the person above.