I was there again.
In that room, a knife to my neck and my father holding it.
The metal slowly penetrated my skin and I felt blood start to run down the side of my neck.
I looked at my own father, who had words coming out of his mouth, but I couldn't hear anything over my own screams.
I screamed so loud that I thought I would lose my voice at that moment before I lost my life.
The moment he was pulled from me by my oldest brother, I woke up from my sleep.
Suddenly I was sitting on the bed in the dark with one hand on my neck, near the scar, trying to calm down.
I tore off the duvet and found myself covered in sweat.
I swung my legs off the bed and felt the cold floor on my feet. I put my elbows on my knees, and put my head in my hands.
Trying to steady my shaky breath, I ran my fingers through my hair before exhaling heavily.
I looked at the half-empty bottle of vodka next to the bed and cursed under my breath.
Even that doesn't help scare away the nightmares anymore.
In an attempt to entertain myself, I went to take a shower. A hot shower that left red marks on my skin.
The pain in my body calmed the pain in my head.
I was getting out of the shower with one towel low on my hips and the other currently wiping the back of my neck when I heard my phone and saw the screen light up.
I went over to the table to see who was texting me so late at night.
I couldn't hide my surprise when I saw her name on my screen.
I immediately opened our conversation.
One part of me was glad she texted me back, but the other, louder one, screamed that it was three in the morning and she wasn't sleeping.
"No." I threw my phone on the bed.
I won't write her back. I have to keep my distance if I want to get her out of my head.
I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled heavily.
Don't do it, Finn. Don't. Do. It.
I was looking at my phone. My thoughts were all around the room.
"I shouldn't text her back. I shouldn't text her back." I repeated silently over and over. "It's a bad idea."
I said it, even out loud, but my hand was already reaching for the phone, unlocking it, and my fingers typing a message.
Before I knew it, the message had already been sent, followed immediately by another.
I saw that she read the messages almost immediately. I couldn't hold back the small smile that formed on my face.
Before long, three dots appeared but immediately disappeared. A few more times I saw them appear and then disappear.
What are you thinking about, sunshine? What do you want to say?
That's where she got you, bud.
What the hell am I doing?
I turned off the phone completely and put it on the table. It won't tempt me like this.
I threw away the towel I had draped over my shoulder and went to get dressed.
I didn't sleep that night.
I was thinking about her message all the time.
Why did I write her back?
And why can't I forget her?
Think of your life as a book.
It doesn't matter what it's called, what kind of cover it has, or how many pages.
It depends on the story.
And now be honest with yourself. Would you read such a book?
And if not you, would someone else read it? And would they continue reading after a few pages or close it because nothing was happening in it?
I can safely say that would be the case for me. One would close the book before reaching the second page.
Why should it be any different?
Every week is the same. I live in a bubble where time resets after a week and I start over.
And when I think about it, I realize how much I'm wasting my life.
Where is the part of my life that I will remember when I am old? Where is that something exciting? Spontaneous?
That's a book I'd like to read, but I don't think I'd be able to write it.
"I don't know where your head is, but wherever it is, I hope it's worth it since you're ignoring me." Monica snapped me out of my trance.
"Sorry, what?" I shook my head and looked at her.
"Oh, nothing important." She waved her hand over it. "We're just at work and your table has been waiting five minutes for that plate in your hand."
"What?" I frowned. "Oh no." I looked scared at my hands, where I really had the plates.
"Six." She pointed her finger at the table and I immediately stepped forward.
An elderly couple at table number six held hands as they sat across from each other. "Your food." I tried to smile and apologized that they had to wait a long time.
I went back to the window where Monica was leaning. "You're kind of off today, are you all right?"
"Yeah, it's just..." I shrugged. "It doesn't matter." I shook my head. "Sorry."
"It's okay, Lex." She winked at me and took the plates Fred handed her through the window before walking over to serve her table.
"Get it together, Lexi," I whispered to myself.
Out of reflex, I turned to the door when I heard the bell above it. I immediately noticed his blue hair and smiled as Zack walked towards me.
"Hello, beautiful." He smiled at me and leaned his elbows on the counter.
"Hey, Zack." I laughed. "What can I get you?"
"Just curious, you probably don't have a guy this tall in the storage," he raised his hand to show an approximate height, "light brown hair, toned body, gay."
I laughed at his description of Luca. "Unfortunately no, but why don't you try it at the front door." I nodded at the door of the bistro, through which Luca and the twins were currently passing.
"My god, that's a piece of man," Zack said quietly after turning to see him.
I tried not to smile as the three of them walked towards us.
"Hey," Adrian smiled at me, "one acceptance of an apology for being idiots and three lunch specials."
"Three lunch specials. Got it." I turned to Fred and quickly wrote an order on a piece of paper and handed it to him.
"And the first one?" I heard Stefan behind me.
"Unfortunately, it's not on the menu today." I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe another time," I said with a smile.
"Don't play with our feelings like that, Lexi." Adrian looked at me sadly. "Although we deserve it."
"You are forgiven." I laughed and at that moment Zack cleared his throat quietly. "Oh guys, this is Zack." I pointed at him. "Zack, this is Adrian, Stefan, and Luca." I pointed to each one separately.
The twins greeted him, Stefan even shook his hand, but Luca remained silent.
"Zack." He held out his hand to Luca, who only looked at it.
"You have a blue head." Luca frowned.
"Let me guess, you're the perceptive one." Zack joked. "And also, are you going to leave me hanging here like this?" He looked down at his hand, which he still held close to Luca's.
"Luca." He gave him his hand.
"Nice to meet you."
"You can let go of my hand now."
I bit my lip to hold back a smile. "Go sit down, I'll be with you in a few minutes."
The three of them turned and went to sit in their usual place.
"So that went even worse than I thought." Zack turned to the counter and his head fell into his hands. "What's wrong with my charm?"
"Just so you know." I walked closer to him. "If he didn't like you, he wouldn't say a word."
"What?" He raised his head a little and frowned.
"Trust me, I can tell when he likes someone. Sometimes even before he knows it himself."
"He said..."
"It does not matter." I interrupted him. "Having said something already means more than you think."
"Sorry, I don't believe that." He shrugged. "I'll be back, just need a minute." He nodded his head towards the toilets. "Can you pour me something strong for now?"
"Sure thing." I smiled as Zack pushed himself away from the counter and started walking towards the restrooms.
Something strong? We're not a bar but I guess I'll manage.
I started to pour him a drink when I noticed that Luca had stood up and was also heading to the toilets.
I'd like to say it's a coincidence, but I've read too many books.
I looked at the twins to see if they caught the same thing as me and when I saw their smiles it was clear to me.
I was shaking my head with laughter and just then Monica came. "What's funny?" She asked out of curiosity.
"Nothing, nothing." I cleared my throat and tried to hide my smile.
I can only imagine what was going on in the toilets as their food was ready before they came out.
I took the three plates to the twins' table and went back behind the counter.
A few minutes later, Luca came out of the toilets and sat down at the table. His hair is always perfect, so I didn't expect it to be any different. But he couldn't hide the fact that his lips were much redder than before.
About a minute later, Zack came out and headed straight for me. I noticed the quick look he exchanged with Luca.
I put his drink in front of him and he drank it right away.
"Are you okay?" I held back a smile.
"Sure, sure." He cleared his throat and wiped his mouth, which by pure chance was as red as Luca's.
"So what were you saying about not believing me?" I leaned against the counter.
"I will never question you again."
*****
"We're closed," I said as I heard the bell above the door of the bistro while I was wiping down the tables.
Stupid me, I forgot to lock it again while I was cleaning.
"Then you should lock your doors." A familiar voice called from the door. "You never know who's going to walk in."
"You are right." I turned around and leaned my butt against the table. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at Finn in the black hoodie he had last lent me. "He could be a serial killer or some kind of jerk."
The corner of his mouth lifted, but he lowered his head so I wouldn't see it.
"What are you doing here? Fred's gone so unfortunately no burgers."
"So whatever you can do." He hid his hands in the pockets of his hoodie.
I snorted. "Sure thing." I pushed myself away from the table and went behind the counter. I took the glass, poured warm water into it, and placed it on the counter. "Here you go." I faked a smile.
"You know," he approached me, "everyone says how nice you are, but truly, I can't see it." He leaned against the edge of the counter.
"I was trying to be nice, but what a surprise, it goes both ways." I put my hands on my hips. "It's strange, isn't it? Now tell me why you're here."
"Because I can't sleep and I was walking around. I saw the light and tried my luck. To my surprise, the door was unlocked."
"I told you, we're closed. The sign on the door might have helped you." I shrugged my shoulders. "The kitchen is already cleaned and I have no plans to go there only because of someone who has decided that he feels like eating something even after closing time."
"This is enough for me." He reached for the glass and drank it down. It didn't move with him at all, even if it was warm water.
He's a psychopath, isn't he? Maybe a real serial killer.
"I'm serious Finn. What do you want?" I asked, already slightly tired. It's been a long day and I can't wait for my own bed.
"I don't really care how weird this sounds, but I want a date."
"You want what?" I let out a sound that was somewhere between a scoff and a laugh.
"I want to get to know you." He said seriously, but I didn't believe a single word that came out of his mouth.
"I think I hit my head." I frowned. "What is going on?"
"I want you to sit down and we'll talk."
"I... Why... Why would I do that?" I finally got out of myself.
I honestly don't understand what's going on.
I fell asleep again while cleaning and this is some weird dream, isn't it? I don't remember being so tired.
"Can you just...can you sit down?" He pointed to the table closest to us.
"Magic word?" I raised an eyebrow.
He ran his tongue over the front row of teeth. "Can you sit down? Please." He said through his teeth.
It was obvious that he doesn't use that word often. He seems like the type to take what he wants.
"Since you asked so nicely." I smiled, threw the towel on the counter, and walked around him. I sat down at the table, Finn at my heels. "So?"
Finn grabbed the chair from underneath to pull himself closer. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded paper.
When I realized what was happening, I couldn't believe it.
Did he really write down questions?
Just one word Finn....adorable.