I'm sabotaging myself.
Those were the first words I thought of as soon as I woke up.
And it's true.
I probably overdid it yesterday. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, but at that moment it seemed right.
I know deep down that they weren't trying to replace me, but it still hurts.
Sometimes my head creates problems that aren't even there. But I can't help it.
I stared at the ceiling of my room for too long. I'm not in the mood to get up, but I really have to go shopping and later to work.
With a heavy breath, I sat down and picked up my phone. When I saw all the missed calls and messages, I kind of regretted that I didn't text anyone in the evening.
I didn't look at what they wrote to me, because if I put all the messages together, I could write a book out of them.
But my gaze fell on an unknown number under which Finn was hiding.
"No." I shook my head and looked away from his messages.
I don't even know how he got my number.
Maybe it's not even him. Even though I haven't bumped into anyone else in a long time.
I got out of bed, took a quick shower, got dressed, and went down the stairs to the kitchen.
I walked past the table to the kitchen counter. I took cereal from the top shelf and milk from the fridge.
I put everything on the counter, poured the cold milk into a bowl, and looked at the time. Looks like it's going to be cold milk today. At least it'll wake me up.
I poured the cereal into the bowl and put everything away. I picked up a spoon and turned with the bowl to sit down.
I suddenly stopped when I saw my father sitting at the table with glasses and a newspaper in his hand.
What is going on?
"Good morning?" I said carefully.
"I thought you were already at work." He spoke without looking up from the newspaper.
"I...I...I don't." I shook my head, still stuck in one place. "I'm going to the store."
"We're running out of eggs." He fixed his glasses.
"I know." Mainly because I'm the only one who shops and cooks, so I have quite an overview.
"And I wouldn't be mad if you bought a few packs of cigarettes." He looked up at me. "Are you going to stand there all day?"
At that moment, I came to my senses and approached the table. I sat down and started eating while trying to figure out what was going on at the moment.
Why doesn't my dad smell like alcohol?
I don't know what was more strange. That he's sober or that he seems like a perfectly normal dad.
The whole time I was sitting there, I had an unpleasant feeling in my chest. I can't say what it was exactly.
I washed up after myself and put the dishes next to the sink.
"Dad?" I finally spoke.
"Yes?" He looked up at me, his eyes clear like never before.
"Is everything alright?" I was firmly squeezing the kitchen counter.
"Why shouldn't it?" He took off his glasses with one hand. "I am looking for a job." He pointed to the newspaper. "We're behind on our water bills and...basically everything."
"But I already paid for it." I frowned.
"Oh." He looked at me in surprise. "Great." He put the newspaper on the table and stood up. "Then I can go out." He walked past the table and out of the kitchen. But before he left the house, he shouted, "Don't forget the cigarettes!".
When he slammed the door behind him, I lowered my head.
He didn't even say thank you.
*****
About half an hour later, I returned home with my shopping. I put everything in its place but stopped when I was putting things in the fridge.
I let out a frustrated breath and leaned my head against the refrigerator door. "Eggs," I whispered.
Where is my head?
Well, currently it's hitting the fridge, but that's probably not what you meant.
I looked at the clock and saw that it was too late. I'll have to buy them another time.
I took my bag from the counter and left the kitchen. I grabbed my keys and locked the door as I left the house.
I was turning my back to the house when I registered that there was a motorcycle in the driveway with Jeremy leaning against it.
Looks like someone here has a problem and I doubt it's him.
It was obvious I wasn't going to be the first to speak, so Jeremy tore off the band-aid.
"Do you know what phones are used for?"
I'm ninety-six percent sure it's a trap, so I didn't answer for my own safety.
"And no, it's not for taking photos of random cats on the street." He pushed away from his bike and raised a helmet. "Get on."
It would be useless to resist, so without a word, I walked over to him, took the helmet he offered me, put it on, and got on the bike behind him.
He pulled out of the driveway and headed straight for my work, which he parked in front of.
I got off the bike and took off my helmet, which I put on the place where I was sitting a few seconds ago.
"Thanks for the ride." I fixed my hair a bit.
"Wow." He snorted. "Is that really all you're going to say?" He said while still sitting on the bike with his helmet in his hands.
"Jeremy..."
"I get it, okay? I know how it looks, but I swear we're not trying to replace you, Lexi. And I know you can't help it. And that's fine, but don't ever do what you did yesterday. You ran away after dark and didn't text anyone that you were all right. Do you know how scared we were? If Finn..."
"Wait, what?" I jumped into his speech. "What does he have to do with this?" I frowned. "Jeremy."
"We knew you might not be in the mood for us, so we..."
"Gave him my number." I finished for him.
"We wanted to make sure you were okay."
On one hand, I understand it. They were afraid and it's my fault. But on the other hand, they gave a number to a random person who might be a serial killer.
"We can all agree that we all made a mistake yesterday, how about that, huh?" He got off the bike and put his helmet on it. "I don't want to argue Lexi, not with you."
"Sure, we all made a mistake yesterday." I shrugged. "I have to go to work." I tried to slip past him but stopped when I heard him behind me.
"Sooner or later we'll have to talk about camp." He shouted after me
"I know." I looked behind me. "I'll take the option later."
I was looking at the messages I had written her that evening. Not only that she didn't reply to them, but she didn't even look at them.
Why do I even care? I shouldn't.
Lying in bed, I threw my mobile phone on the other side.
That is it. It ends here. At this moment, I decided that I will never contact her again.
I will never go to that bistro again. They won't even see me at the bar where Destiny works.
I will avoid that whole part of town. Every bus stop.
Out of sight, out of mind.
She's been taking up too much space in my head for too long. Her eyes haunted me in my dreams.
I won't think about her from now on. Not once. She's out of my mind.
Lexi? Who's that? Because I don't know her.
The moment my phone next to me vibrated, I grabbed it and looked at who was texting me.
I sat up and bowed my head when I saw Zack's number. I felt a rush of disappointment that it wasn't her.
Who is Lexi huh?
I heard a voice in my head mocking me. And the worst thing is that I'm not even surprised.
What is happening to me? Better question. What is happening to me when it's involving her?
It doesn't matter how hard I try to get her out of my head. I can't.
At least not alone.
*****
I stood at the bar but Destiny was nowhere to be seen. "Hey." I nodded at the bartender, who looked familiar. "Is Destiny here?"
He looked at me from head to toe. "No." He turned and began to wipe the glasses.
"Do you know when she will be working?" I insisted.
"Why?" I noticed the tick in his jaw and his squeeze on the glass.
"I need her help." I simply said. He doesn't need to know anything more.
"Unfortunately, she's not here, so why don't you just piss off?" He looked at me, fire in his eyes.
It was only at that moment that I remembered where I knew him from. He is one of Lexi's friends that she still hangs out with. How could I not remember him? He was here yesterday.
I only talked to Jeremy though, he gave me Lexi's number to make sure she was okay, but still. I should have remembered him.
"Should you really treat customers like that, Adrian?" I heard a woman's voice behind me.
I turned to find Destiny behind me with her arms crossed over her chest.
Before Adrian could say anything I walked over to Destiny, grabbed her hand gently so I wouldn't hurt her, and started pulling her away from the bar.
"I need your help." I stopped, away from people where no one could hear us, and let go of her hand.
"Okay?" She looked at me confused.
"I need to get the woman out of my system."
Her eyes nearly fell out at my words. "Uhm. Don't take it the wrong way, Finn. You look good, but..."
"No." I cut her off when I realized how it sounded. "That's not what I meant." I grabbed my head. "I don't want you to have..." I shook my head. "Sorry."
"All right." She laughed and obviously relaxed a bit. "So what do you need from me?"
"It's never happened to me. I've never had someone like her in my head. Help me get her out of my head, please. I'll give you anything. Money's not a problem. I just need her gone. Tell me how."
"Wow." She looked at me in shock. "Are you serious?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Say you can help me." I know I sound desperate, but this is my last resort. I don't know what else to do.
"Okay, so..." She bit her lip and thought about her answer for a second. "The first thing I would probably do is sleep with someone."
"I will not use some woman to solve my own problems."
"It's not using her if she wants it. Look at yourself." She pointed at me. "Women will throw themselves at you if they find out you're interested."
"Do you have better advice?"
"I don't think I've ever met anyone like you." She smiled.
I don't know if it's meant to be a compliment or not.
"Okay, another way then. How do you usually solve problems? When you're trying to forget something?"
"I drink. But I've tried that before." I didn't mention the fights on purpose.
"And nothing else? Whenever there's a problem, you just drink?" She raised an eyebrow, but I didn't sense judgment in her voice, only surprise.
"What should I do? Cry in bed under the covers with ice cream and movies?"
"Who knows, it might help you." She laughed.
I looked at her with a 'Are you serious?' look.
"Then cut her out of your life." She crossed her arms on her chest. "Delete her number, all the socials you have her on. Avoid places where you might meet her. Try not to think about her. Do something you enjoy, a hobby. You can handle it, right?"
I listened carefully, but when she finished speaking, something occurred to me. "What if I moved?"
"You want to move for a woman because you have her in your head? You have it bad. Who is she?" She frowned.
"It doesn't matter. Do you think it would help? Move?"
She hesitated before giving me an answer. "I'm not sure. I personally think it's a cowardly move. If you don't want to avoid her, talk to her on a deeper level. Who knows, you might not like her anymore. Maybe she has an ugly side that'll make you won't think about her anymore. It's worth a try." She shrugged.
"Her?" I snorted. "An ugly side? Not a chance." I shook my head. "She's like the fucking sun."
"Funny, I know a woman who's like..." She laughed at the beginning of the sentence, but then her smile faded. "Oh, my God."
"What?" I frowned.
"Are we talking about Lexi here?"
I almost choked when the name came out of her mouth. I remained silent and I probably shouldn't have.
Shit.
"Oh my god, we're talking about Lexi!" Her hand flew to her mouth and she looked around us. Suddenly she started whispering. "I saw you two together yesterday but I thought it was nothing but now it makes sense." She jumped excitedly. "But wait." Her hands fell back to her body. "Why is this a problem? Why do you want to forget about her? Get her out of your system."
"It's complicated. Now that you know who it is, do you have any better advice for me?"
"If it was anyone else, maybe so, but Lexi?" She grabbed the back of her head. "Once you meet her, there's no way you'll forget her. It's just the way it is." She shrugged. "She's nice," not to me, "intelligent," I can't judge, "gorgeous" I can't deny, "even if she won't admit it, kind" again, not to me, "and always puts others before herself. She's a person who's too good for this world."
She took a step towards me and put her hand on my shoulder.
"But whatever you do, don't screw it up, she's the last person to deserve it." She slipped past me with those words and left me standing there alone.
Awesome. That was one amazing piece of advice that didn't help me AT ALL.
Thank you for all the comments, it warms my heart every time ;)