The next person I needed to talk to was Sebastian.
And it was exactly who I was dreading the most.
Natty and Poppy had their own suggestions about how to do it, but of course, they turned it into more of a confession than an apology.
In the end, I decided that I needed to do more than just pull him aside and try to explain.
I needed him to really listen.
I remembered the day he told me what happened to Anne.
How he showed me the plateau where she was cursed, bringing us to the estate where Rookwood and his men were searching.
And that's when it hit me.
I quickly scribbled down a note for Sebastian before giving it to my owl, with Natty and Poppy rather confused.
I hadn't told them my idea, but I had assured them it would make him listen.
He had to.
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I waited for what seemed like hours outside the courtyard where I fought Rookwood, the ruins bringing back some unpleasant memories.
Thankfully, Sebastian arrived before I could completely spiral down that path, even if he looked less than happy to be here.
"Thank you for coming." I greeted awkwardly, slightly surprised he came at all.
He continued to walk towards me, his face seeming blank as he locked eyes with me.
"Is there a reason you wanted to meet here?" he asked, getting straight to the point.
He seemed irritated.
Probably because he thought this was some elaborate game to explain myself.
To be honest, that wouldn't exactly be wrong.
On that note, I began scanning the surrounding area, until my eyes landed on a particular spot.
I began making my way towards it, checking my surroundings to make sure I was correct, and soon enough, I was standing right where I wanted to be.
I turned back to look at Sebastian, his face showing signs of confusion as I pointed to the ground.
"This is where I arrived when Rookwood teleported me here." I began, pausing as I awaited Sebastian's reaction.
He still seemed confused by the information, but there was a new look of realisation as he realised why we were here.
I took the opportunity to look around again, recognising a mark on the ground, making my stomach turn.
Reluctantly, I walked over to the mark, willing myself forward as my body became heavier the closer I got.
Finally, when I reached the spot, I turned to Sebastian again, pointing an unsteady hand down to the mark, refusing to look at it again.
"And this... is where Rookwood died." I forced out the words, trying my best to disassociate with their meaning.
Sebastian's face twisted with emotions as he looked between myself and the mark, like he was trying to picture the event that unfolded here.
He looked like he had a million questions, but also like he wanted to move closer, to comfort me.
But I wasn't here for that.
I was here to give him an explanation.
"I was so angry when I realised what Rookwood did that I couldn't think. I wanted to cause suffering. I wanted those Ashwinders to turn on each other. I wanted Rookwood dead. Because he caused you all that pain." my words became bitter as I remembered that fight, how that was the first time I had felt rage so intense.
I never thought I was capable before that.
And now, it scared me.
Sebastian was silent for a moment, taking in my words as he recalled all that Rookwood had caused.
But in the end, his brows just seemed to furrow together, another question emerging.
"Why didn't you tell me?" his voice seemed almost hurt, his eyes looking at me as though he were a puppy, begging for an answer.
"I didn't want you to think less of me." I admitted, the words sounding silly as soon as they left my mouth, because I knew exactly what his reaction would be.
"Of all people, why would I think less of you?" his voice was raised now as he began walking closer to me.
He seemed offended at the thought, taking it to heart as we were in the same boat.
But he didn't understand the whole picture, he hadn't had the whole summer to spiral down the train of thoughts that had led me to this.
I did it for him, and that was a terrifying thought, that I was willing to go so far.
But also because of how insensitive it was.
"Because it had just happened, Sebastian. And after seeing the pain it caused you, I still asked you to teach me, and then I used it before I even had the chance to speak with you again." my voice was raised now, but it wasn't aimed at him, it was aimed at myself.
I was angry at the way I had handled it all.
My friend needed me, and instead I went out to get a wand, and ended up getting revenge with a spell that had caused the most pain.
Sebastian stopped at my words, the chain of events playing in his head, realising how quickly I had used that spell.
I looked at the ground, not wanting to see the disappointment make its way onto his features.
I stared at the mark on the ground, guilt building inside me as the spell replayed on a loop, remembering how it felt to cast it, the last moments of a man's life...
"You know," Sebastian started, his voice soft, earning my attention as I looked back up at him in surprise.
"The first time I went back to Feldcroft after... it happened, I saw that Anne had buried Solomon in our garden. Ever since that day, I've had nightmares. I'm surrounded by graves, and they look exactly like his. But there are so many. I walk closer, and it's always a different grave. It's Anne. It's Ominis. It's my parents. It's you. And then Solomon appears, blaming me."
I couldn't help the look of surprise on my face as Sebastian admitted this to me, his voice remaining soft as he looked up at the sky, like he was talking to the clouds.
He seemed so comfortable as he talked about it, as though he were releasing a burden he had held onto for a while.
I was glad he felt like he could tell me.
He continued to stare at the sky, watching the clouds pass by, carrying his confession with them.
Eventually, he looked back down at me, his expression becoming more serious, like he wanted me to know he meant each word he was about to say next.
"I don't think any less of you, because I know that feeling. I know what it means to cast that spell. To lose a part of yourself. But I can't keep up with these secrets, Em. Each time I think you've told me everything, there's something else. I need to know."
"That's everything." I said quickly, my voice urgent as I blurted out the words.
I tried my best to give him a look of reassurance, hoping he would believe my words.
However, he just seemed to crease his brows further, concern in his eyes.
"Then why do you look so unsure?" he asked softly.
I was taken aback by the question, not expecting him to pick up on it, shocked that my face had betrayed me.
I let my emotions cover my face, dropping the mask of certainty I had failed to maintain.
I couldn't look him in the eye as I thought of a reason, trying to think of an excuse, but all I could think of was the truth.
"Because I don't trust myself anymore. I used to be so sure of everything, that there was only good and bad. But now..." I trailed off as I thought of all the examples in my head.
I felt like I was going mad.
I had seen the world in black and white up until now, with Rookwood, Ranrok and Isidora being bad, and the keepers being good.
But was it all really so simple?
I needed to know.
"Why did you decide to turn away from the dark arts?" The question left my mouth before I could even think, desperate for the answer as I looked back up at Sebastian.
His eyes widened as my words registered, making it clear that was the last thing he expected me to ask.
He blinked a few times before his face hardened, the answer coming to the forefront of his mind.
"You know why." he said harshly, not appreciating the reminder.
But that wasn't enough.
"I can guess. But I want you to tell me." I begged, the desperation more apparent in my voice as the need for a reason grew inside me.
I wanted to believe in the good so bad, otherwise, what was the point?
Once a person had crossed that line, could they really just go back to how it was?
Or was it more complex than that?
I needed to know the difference, to know what it meant to touch both light and dark.
And Sebastian was the only one I trusted to tell me the truth.
He sighed heavily, giving in to the look in my eyes, his expression tired as he thought of an explanation, like he had thought of this over and over.
"Because I became a person I no longer recognised. Because Anne looked at me like I was a monster." his voice was low, like he was reluctant to speak the words aloud.
But I couldn't help but let the disappointment fill my eyes at his answer.
It wasn't what I was looking for, because it came with one more question.
"And what if we are monsters?" my voice was almost a whisper now, reluctant to ask, dreading his answer.
His eyes softened, seeing the fear in mine as I considered the possibility.
We were tainted with the dark arts, and I could never promise to not use them again, and neither could he.
But did that really mean we were doomed to live this life?
To always be looked at with weary eyes, with people second guessing our every move and intention?
"You're not a monster, Em. Every time someone needed help, you were right there, willing to put your life on the line." he reassured me, stepping closer to me now, but I just shook my head, refusing to listen to reason.
"And what if this leads to the same thing? What if I end up down that path? What if I really lose myself this time?" my mind ran wild as I spiralled, questioning everything as panic seeping through my body.
However, I was interrupted as Sebastian finally reached me, his hand reaching up to my chin and gently grabbing it.
He tilted my head up so that I was looking him dead in the eye, causing me to shut up instantly, shocked by the action.
I felt my cheeks heat up as I realised how close he was, so much so that I could feel his breath on my lips, his robes brushing against mine in the wind.
"I won't let that happen. I made a vow that my dreams cannot come true. I will protect you, Ominis, and Anne with everything I have." he whispered.
I had never heard him so serious before.
"And what if you lose yourself?" I wondered, remembering exactly how far he was willing to go.
A small smile tugged at his lips as he thought of the answer.
"Then I trust you to get me back, just like before." he said.
He seemed so sure when he said it, like there was no chance of failure, I couldn't help but return the gentle smile, feeling the worries melt at his touch.
As we stood there, I noticed his eyes drift down my face, before landing on my lips, staring at them for a while as I stood there, frozen.
I blushed harder as I wondered what was going on in his head.
His smile remained there, but faltered slightly, as though he were debating something.
I let my own eyes trail down to his lips, the thought of closing the gap between us crossing my mind.
It would be so easy.
Yet, before I could decide, Sebastian stepped away, letting go of my chin and clearing his throat.
"Come on, the great hall is probably packed by now, and we need our strength if we want to deal with those annoying keepers to find the next relic." he said as he began walking away.
I was dazed for a moment, processing what had happened, before I began following him, disappointment squeezing my heart.
However, not long after, I paused again, a thought crossing my mind as I remembered something.
Something about light and dark.
Sebastian noticed this, turning to see what was keeping me.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Do you remember the night I told you about Sage and Hunter? How it was a complicated matter?"
His face seemed to twist at the mention of Sage, clearly having mixed feelings about the last time we'd seen her.
"Yes..."
"For a moment, in the Forbidden Forest, I thought I saw her become sad. Like she didn't want to do or say those things. And then she went cold again, like a mask. I know I said I'd given up hope, and trust me, I'm still furious at her, but I don't think my sister is actually gone."