*• June 2013 •*
- Denver, Colorado -
~< Castles Crumbling >~
CW: Vomit, drugs (implied illegality), disordered eating, vaping and alcohol
If any of these subjects are sensitive or triggering, please prioritize your mental health and do not read!
ADDIE THREW UP ON THE BATHROOM CARPET. She swore she'd aimed for the toilet, but she hadn't been able to help the sudden wave of nausea.
Her vision blurred with tears, nostrils burning as she coughed, reaching for some toilet paper to wipe her mouth.
But then a pair of arms grabbed her and steered her towards a trash can where she promptly vomited some more. Addie retched until her throat was scratchy and drier than the chicken that Niall had cooked that one time.
"Let it all out," a voice murmured into her ear. A pair of gloved hands grabbed the carpet and carried it away. She wasn't clear-headed enough to bother noticing if it was a cleaner or someone else.
With the carpet out of the way, the pair of hands guided her to kneel in front of the toilet. Addie was lucky she'd tied her hair back earlier due to the air conditioning in her dressing room failing.
"Fuck," Addie groaned, leaning her head against her arm resting on the rim of the toilet.
Now that she wasn't focused on throwing up, the voice that had spoken to her became recognizable. "What happened?" Noelle prompted.
Tension rolled through Addie's body. She didn't know why she felt so uncomfortable around Noelle, but she did. Addie didn't trust her. She mumbled weakly, "I dunno."
"I need you to clean yourself up and get ready for the show, alright?" Noelle explained, rubbing circles into Addie's back that only made her tenser. "Stay hydrated and get some solids in you. I'll call the doctor to check you."
Noelle pressed her hand against Addie's forehead, the unfamiliar touch making the young girl recoil. It was clear from the frown on Noelle's face, and the sheen of sweat covering Addie's body what the problem was.
"You have a fever," Noelle grimaced.
No shit Sherlock, Addie wanted to say, she was the one who shivered with every small burst of air that came through the open bathroom door.
Addie knew what her body felt like when she had a fever, the weakness at the core of her bones, and the exhaustion dragging her down. She'd felt it several times in her life and knew how to recognize it.
"I don't know if I can stand up," Addie finally broke the silence. Noelle pursed her lips in response.
"You need to try."
Addie shook her head. "I can't."
"Do. It," Noelle insisted, a fierce glare behind her dark eyes. She then reached forward, pulling Addie's arm until the girl stumbled to her feet.
Addie could feel the weakness in her body, the way she wavered on her feet and leaned most of her weight against Noelle. And when the woman let go of her, Addie would've fallen had she not caught herself on the bathroom counter.
"Stop leaning against the counter. Stand up properly," Noelle barked.
Addie battled through the tears forming in the back of her eyes and let go of the counter, only to immediately stumble and almost fall over.
The medic that had just arrived leaped forward and caught Addie. "Alright, miss, just lie down. Rest."
Addie nodded half-heartedly, the pain in her joints so sharp she could barely think through the haze of tiredness.
Before she knew it, the medic had checked her over, finding an alarming fever on her body and making her drink water.
Addie followed the medic's instructions, adjusting her body as needed, barely even registering the words being spoken. She doubted she'd remember what happened within five minutes.
Her brain was foggy with pain, and it was hard to think straight.
"... Needs to rest, and drink lots of liquids," the medic explained, packing up his things as he spoke. "From the look of it, she won't be able to perform tonight."
"Noelle," Addie croaked, her body trembling as she curled into a ball in the corner of the bathroom, "We need to cancel the show tonight." She could barely focus on what was going on, and it was hard to speak. "Make the announcement now, before they arrive."
"Thanks a lot, Doctor," Noelle nodded, waiting until he left the room. She turned to Addie. You're going on stage tonight." And then to Tom, the head of security, who looked doubtful at Noelle's words. "Give me a moment to talk to her in private, yeah?"
Tom glanced past Noelle, looking at Addie for confirmation. She nodded weakly, and he took it as good enough.
When the door shut behind Tom, Noelle made her way to her bag on the other side of the room and brought it to Addie. She dug through it, talking to Addie as she did, "You're going to go on stage tonight. There are fifty thousand fans who spent an insane amount of money on tickets, flights, hotel, everything. Some made trips from other countries- even other continents."
Noelle brought out a bottle of little white pills, and placed two in her hand, handing them over to Addie.
"What is this?" Addie mumbled, looking up at Noelle. A thought was flashing through her mind, warning her of potential danger.
"Just a little something to get you through the show, alright?" Noelle answered roughly.
Addie narrowed her eyes. "Is it legal?"
"In some countries."
There was a large pause of silence, as Addie looked doubtfully at the pills. Her thoughts were hard to sift through, like wading through murky water.
"Do you even know how much work people put into going to your shows? The girls who dress up, do their makeup, make signs all to see you out there on stage, waiting for you to shine," Noelle said, "Are you going to go out there and tell them that the show they bought tickets for months ago, and have waited for impatiently is going to be cancelled?"
Addie felt the guilt weigh like a rock in her stomach. "I..."
"It's just two pills, you do the show, and then you get to rest," Noelle whispered, and it seemed so tempting. "For the fans."
For the fans, Addie thought as she placed the pills on her tongue.
For the fans, Addie told herself as she took a swig of water and swallowed them.
For the fans, as she stood on the stage, watching the crowd cheer with foreign energy pumping through her veins.
For the fans, as she took another pill to make it through meet and greets.
For the fans, she told herself as she thought about what she'd done. Knowing she would never be able to reverse her actions.
***
"How are you feeling?" Anne asked, her voice breaking up as Addie walked through a part of the stadium with poor reception.
Addie hummed. "A lot better. My fever's gone, and I'm just a little tired, but I'll live."
"Remember to drink lots of water, and eat well, okay, love?"
There was something about that motherly tone in Anne's voice that comforted Addie. Made her feel warm and fuzzy, even through a phone, knowing there were thousands of miles of distance between them.
"I will."
"Good," Anne confirmed. "Now, how's your album going?"
"It's going well, I just finished this song, it's called Daydreaming, and I think I'm going to put it in the album."
"Did you write it alone?"
"Yeah, um, I actually produced it myself," Addie announced, a small glimmer of pride in her voice.
Anne gasped. "Did you really? I can't wait to hear it, I bet it's amazing."
Addie had been doing calls with Anne about three times a week, which most of the time was a lot more than she called Harry. But there was something so special about Anne and the advice she gave, how she listened so intently as Addie rambled on about random things.
Addie could talk to Anne about anything, whether it was struggling with her work load, or talking about her album or even talking about the play she was going to be in.
Even Addie's own mom didn't know she was going to perform the play, but for some inexplicable reason, Addie had told Anne.
And Anne asked questions, she encouraged Addie or gave her tough love when she needed. But her love was always so embracing and warm. It was welcoming.
"I've gotta go now, but I'm going to send you that recipe for the butter chicken and you tell me what you think," Anne said. That was another thing. Addie and Anne would exchange recipes and send each other photos of the results. "You have a good day, and take care of yourself."
"Thank you," Addie murmured into the phone, turning around and beginning to walk back to her dressing room. "Bye!"
"Bye, Addie, I'll call you tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah, tomorrow. Talk to you then."
"Love you," Anne said, and then a moment later hung up the phone.
Addie froze, hand over her phone as she tried to rationalize what was going on. Had she said 'love you'?
Was that normal?
Was Addie supposed to say it back?
Would Anne hate Addie for not being able to say it back?
Why did this terrify Addie so much?
Addie pushed these thoughts to the back of her mind, trying to forget about the fact that her boyfriend's mom had just shown her more love and affection than her own mother ever had.
"Adelaide, sound check in ten!" Jasmine, one of the dancers shouted across the corridor.
Addie waved in response, letting her know she'd heard as she jogged back to the area where she'd enter the stage from.
After their final soundcheck (and a few comments from Noelle for Addie to keep a smile on her face and add a bit more energy to the performance), she finally made her way back to her dressing room, where she could relax these final hours before the show.
Grabbing one of the the smoothies one of the crew members had left for her on the table, Addie began sipping on it as she pulled out her phone. There were several unanswered texts from Harry, Louis and Liam.
Addie hadn't been answering their texts ever since her fight with Harry over the phone. She didn't know if Harry's texts were an apology or not, but she was too much of a coward to check.
Eventually, Addie would have to answer the texts, but she kept holding it off in hopes her problems might magically disappear.
Highly unlikely, but hey, you never know.
For now though, they glared at her, reminding her of her incompetence and how horrible of a friend and girlfriend she was.
"Are you sure you want to drink that?" Noelle commented as she walked into the dressing room. Addie sat up, rolling her shoulders back as she tried to regain the confidence that left her body whenever Noelle's presence disturbed her. "It's a lot of sugar and fat."
"It's literally just banana, oat milk and ice," Addie pointed out (if she sucked her stomach in and suddenly lost her appetite, that was no one's business but her own). "What high sugar and fat could this possibly have?"
"Oat milk is high in fat," Noelle stated very matter-of-factly, grabbing a bottle of water. A clear statement that said, I'm healthier than you. I have more self control than you. I'm better than you.
Giving Noelle a once-over, it was impossible to deny that the other woman was skinnier, her jawbone more pronounced, and had more defined muscles than Addie.
Swallowing roughly, Addie set her smoothie down, and instead grabbed a bottle of water, sipping on it slowly to satisfy her thirst.
Noelle left the room not long after, but not before giving a disapproving glance at the half-drunk smoothie, and turning her nose up at it.
Once she was alone, Addie grabbed the glass and dumped the contents unceremoniously in the trash.
A knock sounded on the door, and Addie called, "Come in!" To which the doorknob turned and her dancer Jasmine entered, accompanied by an unfamiliar girl around Addie's age.
"Hi!" Jasmine waved, giving that huge smile that light up her entire face. The other girl simply waved wordlessly.
The girl's wine red hair was in tight and thin curls, falling down almost to her hips, dark roots exposed despite her best efforts. She wore a dark lip that matched her hair, and had that smile that let you know she was confident and was not to be messed with.
Jasmine tucked curls just like the girl's behind her ear, and explained, "This is my sister Melanie. She just turned eighteen, so not much older than you."
They both had the same curly hair and dark eyes, although Jasmine had a more button-shaped nose, while Melanie's was slightly more hooked.
"Hey," Melanie smiled. It wasn't an unkind smile, simply distant.
Addie looked the girl up and down, refusing to lower her defenses. This wasn't a journalist or a coworker she had to play nice with and put on the mask of the good girl. This was simply another girl, someone who could easily hurt her if she got past her walls.
And so Addie settled for a curt nod, only the faint trace of a smile on her lips. Just enough to be kind and not be called a bitch.
"How old are you?" Melanie prompted, adjusting the shirt she was wearing. It was an oversized shirt, with a bright red graffitied design on it.
Addie had to say, she liked the shirt. "Sixteen. Turn seventeen in September." She turned to Jasmine. "You have your wardrobe check, right?"
Jasmine nodded, flashing a warm smile. "Yeah! I was actually going to ask if it was alright with you if Melanie stayed here while I go? You two could talk and everything."
There was a split-second pause while Addie glanced at Melanie, assessing the situation. She was lucky Addie loved Jasmine and would kill for her. "Yeah, sure. No problem."
Jasmine beamed at Addie, and gave Melanie a quick hug. "Be good, alright? I'll be back in a couple of minutes, don't get into trouble."
"I'll be fine, Mom," Melanie rolled her eyes playfully. Jasmine gave her a peck on the cheek, and then waved her goodbye to Addie as she slipped out the door.
Addie grabbed two bottles of water, setting one down in front of Melanie, who'd sat down on the couch and made herself comfortable, kicking off her heels and tucking her feet under her.
"Water?" Addie asked, and Melanie nodded, reaching forward for the bottle. She sat down in front of Melanie, separated by the coffee table. Addie made a silent vow not to be the first one to speak.
"You nervous for tonight?" Melanie asked, riffling through her backpack as she did.
Addie shrugged. "Not really. Mostly excited. I like performing."
Melanie hummed, pulling out a vape from the front zipper of her backpack. She inhaled, holding it in her mouth for a few seconds before exhaling, leaving the scent of strawberries in the air.
Looking up at Addie, Melanie raised an eyebrow. "You don't mind, right?"
Shaking her head, Addie answered, "Nope. You do your thing."
Addie was desensitized to those kinds of things after being in Hollywood for so long. After endless award shows, red carpets and afterparties, she'd become used to everyone around her vaping, or drinking, sometimes even doing lines in front of her.
She knew how to keep her mouth shut, and she stayed away from it for the most part. Addie would rather try those kinds of things with friends than random people in the VMA bathrooms who were twice her age.
"You vape as well, right?" Melanie asked.
Addie shook her head. "Nope. Never done it."
Melanie's eyes widened. "Seriously? I thought everyone in Hollywood did that shit."
"Yeah, most people do," Addie shrugged, leaning back in her chair.
Addie was no angel, that was for sure. She'd gotten drunk a fair amount of times, smoked a couple of cigarettes (and hated it), and just two days ago, taken that pill from Noelle-
Addie pushed that thought out of her mind.
It didn't count.
It was just a pill.
"You wanna try?" Melanie prompted, waving the vape in the air.
Addie took one long look at it, and glanced skeptically at Melanie, wondering if the girl would snitch to the press.
After a few moments, Addie put her palm forward, and Melanie placed the vape in her hand.
After all, aren't you supposed to do stupid things in your youth?
And maybe that same reasoning was how after the show, Addie and Melanie went hand in hand to a nearby club.
When asked for an ID, Melanie flirted with the bartender, and Addie subtly gave him a few bills to finish persuading him. It wasn't long after that he served them their first round of shots.
Thoughts of the burning in the back of her throat became blurry as she matched every drink Melanie ordered, mixing sugary drinks high in alcohol with smooth alcohol that slid down her throat.
Melanie tugged on Addie's hand, "C'mon, join me! We'll hook up with a couple of cute guys!"
Addie laughed, shaking her head. She got giggly whenever she was drunk. "I've got a boyfriend, so I'm good, thanks."
"He doesn't have to know!" Melanie pouted. "Maybe just some light grinding on that hot guy who's been checking you out?"
"You go and have fun, I'll stay here," Addie insisted, slurring her words slightly. She knew better than to dance with a random guy who meant nothing to her. Even in this intoxicated haze, Addie knew her heart, body and soul belonged only to Harry.
"Boring!" Melanie whined, giving Addie's hand a squeeze before making her way to the dance floor, her energy contagious as she put her hands in the air and swayed her hips.
It wasn't long before someone approached Melanie, placing his hands on her hips and following her rhythm.
It was a couple of hours later that they both stumbled out of the club, giggling amongst themselves and tripping over their thoughts.
"Thanks for buying," Melanie whispered into Addie's ear, stringing her words together, "I can't believe I forgot my wallet."
With Melanie's arm looped around hers, Addie grinned easily, put at ease with alcohol still running through her veins. "Don't worry about it."
A black car with familiar license plates pulled up to the curb. Two of Addie's security stepped out, guiding the two teenagers into the car.
The security guards climbed in after Addie and then the window separating her from the driver rolled down.
"Tom!" Addie exclaimed loudly, making Melanie and the two bodyguards flinch and Tom wince. "I missed youuuu."
Tom's wince faded into a concerned gaze. "Are you drunk?"
"No?" Addie said, doubtful in her response.
Tom sighed. "You're wasted." He looked up at the ceiling of the car, probably cursing whoever had assigned him to take care of a wild teenager. "Noelle's going to kill you when she finds out."
Addie pouted, slumping in her seat. "I don't care. She's not the boss of me."
"Put your seatbelt on," Tom chided her.
She huffed and crossed her arms. "I don't wanna."
"Then don't blame me when you die after someone crashes into us."
Addie buckled her seatbelt.
"I hate you."
Tom ignored her, instead steering the car onto the highway and towards her house. Melanie had already fallen asleep beside her, drooling against the car door.
"You're mean, just like Noelle." Addie made her final complaint before promptly falling asleep against the bodyguard's shoulder.
She woke up to someone gently shaking her shoulder. "C'mon, wake up, Ms. Heathers."
Addie whined, a sharp noise in the back of her throat. "Don't wanna."
"I need you to get out of the car and then we can get you in your nice, soft, very comfortable bed," Tom bargained.
It took a moment of thought (which was hard in her half-asleep and mostly-drunk state), before Addie clumsily followed behind Tom and got out of the car.
Her balance staggered, and she stumbled against the car door, trying to regain stability.
Stability.
"Fuck. I need to call Harry," She mumbled under her breath, digging through the pockets of her long leather jacket and finally finding her phone.
Tom grabbed her elbow, guiding her to her own door as her free hand dialed Harry's number. She waited until his voicemail message came in, and then after the startling beep, began recording a voicemail.
Voicemail 1
"Hey, Hazzaaaa, my love, my life- Oops. Tom's giving me a judgy look, I think he thinks my nicknames are disgusting. I don't think they're disgusting, do you, my honey bear, cinnamon roll baby?"
"Stop being annoying," Tom muttered.
"Anyways, I'm an idiot, god, I fucking love you, I just have trust issues- like insane, trust issues. I think everyone around me is going to betray me or leave or- oh, Tom's leaving. Bye Tom!"
Voicemail 2
"Shit, I got cut off, not sure at what part. But fuck, I fucking love you, and I think that everyone around you wants you because you're so fucking special and I'm a miserable flaming piece of garbage beside you-"
Addie sobbed, her tears sudden. "And I know someday you'll realize how broken I am, and you'll learn to hate me, and I'll ruin yet another beautiful thing."
Voicemail 3
"A year ago, I had this situationship with a guy named Nick. I liked him, he liked me. And then paparazzi figured it out. The second the first tabloid came out- it's like he changed overnight. He hated me. I mean, hated me, okay Hazza? I'm not joking."
"He said I screwed over his life, I ruined his chances at a good college in the future, and that he'd never be able to forgive me. It broke me to pieces. I hated myself too."
A whisper, "I don't think I could bear you hating me."
Voicemail 4
"Sometimes I get jealous of Louis. Is that stupid? Yeah, it's fucking stupid. But god, I had to see how happy you two were together and I keep replaying these close and intimate moments and I keep comparing it to what we've had- and it's pathetic. I mean, I'm pathetic, not our moments."
"I'm of the jealous kind. I try not to let it affect me, but shit, I've always been too emotional. I guess it's 'cause I've always been second best to everyone, so I feel like you could always do better."
"I don't mean to be jealous of Louis, I swear he's like a brother to me. But I- I mean, every time I think about you spending months on the road with your ex, sleeping in the same bus or hotel, spending hours together every day and having fun... Is it so crazy to be even just a little paranoid?"
"Yeah, I'm fucking crazy. I hate myself. I love you."
Voicemail 5
"I think you'll get sick of me eventually. Just get tired and not want me. Maybe that's why you snapped. It makes sense. I wouldn't want to love me either."
"You were really mean though. I just had the perfect day, all sunshine and rainbows, and you had to go and rain on my fucking parade."
"I get it, I suck. But you suck so much more for making me miserable."
Voicemail 6
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Not really. I know what I'm like when I get tired because of work and I know you've been really stressed lately."
"Can we please just be okay?"
Voicemail 7
"Tell me we'll be okay, Haz. Please."
"I... I just want us to be okay. I want us."
"We'll figure it out. I'll find out how to hide, I'll find places wherever it might be, and we'll do this properly. We'll learn how to manage it."
"I can't lose you, Harry. I can't."
"Especially not- not to these hunters with- with their stupid cameras and their dumb opinions. I can't."
Addie promptly fell asleep after the thirteenth voicemail, having just tributed him with a rendition of Cher's "I Will Always Love You", including slurred words and pitchy notes.
It wasn't the last time alcohol would be the only way to pry the truth from the tight grip of Addie's mind. And yet she never regretted it.
a/n: i disappeared again 😽✌️
i'm freaking out because i'm so sure taylor's going to announce 1989 tv tonight at the la show. and i don't wanna lose new romantics as a surprise song 😭
this is all over the place, but we're setting up future plotlines. hope y'all liked it
thank you for reading and remember to vote and comment because i crave validation. love ya <3