tony's saying his goodbyes and no one is catching on
set after civil war; following movies don't apply cuz hes dead lol
tw: ptsd, suicide
~NO POV~
Tony Stark was a man who had lots of stories to tell to his future children. Whether it was how he ended up with an arc reactor in his chest, or how he ended up fighting with the Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and then how he lost his AI and ended up disbanding his team. He had a lot of stories to tell, but he wouldn't be able to.
Because after he lost his team, after everything he loved and held dear came crashing down on him, he realised he might not want to live long enough to have kids. Or live at all.
Tony was strong, and he'd gotten through a lot of shit. He'd survived an assassination, escaped a terrorist group without making the weapon they tried forcing him to make, created a suit and saved a lot of people from said terrorists, and then used variations of that suit to keep saving people.
And a lot of that scarred him. But he was good at compartmentalising, and that meant he wouldn't realise how bad all of the things he went through actually was.
After New York, he started getting nightmares and anxiety attacks, but that was fine. It was just about New York, and it wasn't very likely that there'd be another hole in the sky leading to floating alien headquarters. It was easy to get over that. (He forced himself to - he didn't want to look weak in front of his team.)
Speaking of that team, he missed them an unbelievable amount. He loved them so fucking much, and he only realised it when he lost them.
When he lost a part of himself.
He wouldn't ever admit it, but that night in Siberia, something died. When Captain America destroyed his arc reactor, a part of Tony died. He thought he was going to die, but then FRIDAY's emergency distress signal saved him. And he came back to America, injured, but alive.
Still, a part of him was missing.
Tony was heavily injured. He hadn't realised how badly he was injured until Rhodey cried by his bed- in a wheelchair. Fuck, Tony forgot his best friend was now paralysed. He decided then, that as soon as he could, he would build Rhodey legs.
"I thought you were dead, man." Rhodey said. "They told me your sternum was broken, along with five of your ribs, and you could've punctured a lung. But with your history, because of the arc reactor, you were so much more vulnerable. They thought you were going to die."
Tony didn't know what to say, because to be honest, he was so high on morphine. The doctors were allowed to give him drugs, just this once, because of how bad the injuries were. No one knew Iron Man was so weak, even with the suit. At least, they didn't know he was so weak against Captain America.
No one ever expected to see them fight.
Tony was discharged from the hospital a week later, transferred to the medical floor in the Tower, because Tony hated public hospitals. He was kept on morphine for a few weeks, doses getting lower and lower to wean him off. Tony didn't want to get addicted, so he didn't argue, even though the pain was still unbearable.
On several occasions, he considered ripping the IV out carelessly, knowing that if he didn't do it properly he could get a blood infection or let air into his vein, which could kill him. But then he remembered he had to build Rhodey legs. The only thing keeping him going was building Rhodey legs.
When Tony was finally allowed to roam free, almost two months after he was found in Siberia, he went straight to building. It was nice and relaxing, to finally be doing what he loved most, and it was a good distraction from all the bad things in his life.
It took him a week to build Rhodey's legs, and Rhodey cried when they worked, and he could walk again. It would never be the same, and both Tony and Rhodey knew that, but it was the closest to Before that Rhodey would ever be, and that was enough.
Tony missed Before.
Tony hassled Rhodey about his legs a lot. There wasn't much to work on, or anything at all, because a part of Tony couldn't bring himself to build anything anymore, so he kept hassling Rhodey, trying to update and perfect the braces.
Rhodey let it happen three times before telling Tony, politely, to fuck off. He saw through his best friend and decided that he wanted Tony to make a self-driving car for Rhodey, one that was definitely safe and wouldn't ever hurt him, because Rhodey wasn't sure he'd ever drive again.
So Tony did exactly that.
Rhodey kept making odd requests, like make this toaster a thousand times better or make me several other pairs of braces just in case these ones are damaged, or make me a new War Machine suit for when we go flying together again. Tony was most afraid of the last request, so he spent a lot of time on it.
Exactly what Rhodey wanted. He knew his best friend was going through things, things he'd never talk about, so it was easier to just feed into the coping mechanism he had going. If Tony wasn't going to talk, at least he could express himself through building.
But then, finally, enough was enough, and the weird requests had to stop. Rhodey had to return to the military to discuss his position now that he was partially compromised.
Tony was all alone.
Pepper had come by when Tony was in the hospital, but it broke her heart to see him so powerless and hurt. It was nothing like the Tony she knew, the Tony she loved. So she let Rhodey take care of Tony, because the two had a bond she couldn't ever live up to- and she didn't want to.
She buried herself in work, making sure PR handled everything that happened recently, and kept the company running without Tony. It was difficult, not having the head of R&D, but she was feisty and held her ground in boardrooms, and they agreed to not having new products to sell for the time being.
When Tony came home, she was away on business. But then Rhodey had left, and she cancelled all the meetings, because she knew Tony well enough to know that he didn't want to be alone, even if he insisted he did. Because if he really did, he'd be in lockdown in his workshop.
Pepper found him in the workshop, which wasn't in lockdown, staring into space. The destroyed suit from Siberia was still sitting on the floor where she'd had it placed, and he hadn't made an effort to fix it. Nor had he built any new suits.
"You okay?"
"I'm okay."
Tony looked so defeated, so purposeless. So Pepper did the only thing she thought she could do, and gave him something to work on. A few sheets of paper describing what the company was thinking of creating, if it could be created, and Tony had a smile on his face.
Pepper would've thought something was wrong, because he was happy to work, but she knew more than that. Being given something to do made Tony feel useful, and she was helping him feel useful. She decided she'd keep giving him random things to make, even if it wasn't just for the company.
She then told him to make her a suit, so one day, she could be there to protect him. It was hard to see him almost break down over making another suit, but she said she wanted to feel safe. And that was enough to make him do it, just for her.
And then, he finally made a new suit for himself.
A part of Tony Stark was back. Pepper didn't need to worry anymore.
Ever since Siberia, Tony had felt.. he didn't know what he felt. He was so busy trying to be better, physically, that ignored whatever was going on mentally. He repressed how he felt with building, with worrying about Rhodey, with trying to do better for the company.
He spent weeks making a suit for Pepper, to keep her safe. It was almost as scary as making Rhodey's new suit, but it was okay because he'd learnt from his mistakes and made several power sources. The arc reactor was obviously the main one, but there were backups all over the suit.
He wouldn't let someone else's spine get crushed on his watch.
He didn't think he could handle that, if it did happen.
He kept making updates and adjustments to Pepper and Rhodey's suits, but then he knew enough was enough. And it was time to make one for himself. I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one.
He couldn't live up to the statement, live up to what he fought for, without his suit. So he had to make himself one.
A part of himself felt alive again, building a suit. It felt like Before, before Siberia, and New York. It felt like just after Afghanistan. It felt like being in the cave with Yinsen again- and that hurt a little bit, so he pushed that thought away and focussed on building.
He now had a suit for himself, Rhodey and Pepper, and he felt somewhat whole again.
He'd never be complete without his team, though.
Tony spent his whole day flying around, high enough for no one to spot him and put him back in the spotlight. And as he flew around, he knew it felt wrong to be flying without the team. He missed working with them, not against them.
And he hated how they were called Rogues. They weren't Rogues- they just wanted to fight for their human rights, for Captain America's best friend. Barnes was innocent, Rogers was stubborn and the team were loyal.
That didn't make them criminals.
So he dove into working on them. It seemed like working was his new fix, because he didn't care about anything else when he worked. Working was always a good distraction from real things, but it was doing a lot more now. It was distracting him a lot more, from a lot more.
He spent over a month arguing, negotiating and defending the Avengers in order to have them come home. He demanded an edited version of the Accords, one that was more humane and agreeable. He made sure it would be something Steve would agree to.
After that month of hard, dedicated work, he had finally fought enough to bring the Avengers home, from wherever they were. He called Steve, and that was incredibly hard, and made sure to say everything important as quickly as he could before hanging up. He barely heard Steve's voice.
He wasn't sure he wanted to.
In the past few months since Siberia, he'd been getting worse. Tony didn't want to admit he was getting worse, but he was. His nightmares were more frequent and vivid, and anxiety attacks became a regular thing.
He kept avoiding sleep like it was the plague, leading to him hallucinating to due to sleep deprivation. He was lucky that, sometimes, when he passed out, he'd sleep dreamlessly. But on most occasions, he had nightmares.
He dreamt of Siberia, of New York, and even Afghanistan. He'd pushed Afghanistan so far back in his mind that he was surprised the memories came back, especially in his dreams. It was almost worse, because he'd never had a nightmare because of Afghanistan.
Maybe he wasn't as good at blocking things out anymore. Maybe he needed to try harder.
It was easier then because you drank.
Tony didn't want to drink anymore. He would lose all the credibility he earned if he became an alcoholic again- and he didn't want to ruin his own progress. Not being an alcoholic was one of his proudest achievements, not that he'd ever admit that.
So he suffered with nightmares. He struggled with anxiety attacks. But he didn't tell anyone, and he didn't let it bother him. He had work to distract himself with. If he dwelled on it, it would be worse. So he had to just compartmentalise and hope for the best.
The Avengers were back, and Tony felt ill. He was currently living in the empty compound, and forgot that he was supposed to house them all back in the compound. He never cleared out the team's rooms, or changed anything, so it was fine to have them back. Physically.
Even though he'd wanted this, even though he'd fought for this, he wasn't sure if he was actually ready. But he had no time to dwell on it, to stress about it, so he just compartmentalised that too and welcomed his team back in with open arms.
The team didn't seem happy to see him, but Steve was courteous as always (except in Siberia, when he almost killed Tony- but it's fine- he didn't mean to), and thanked Tony for what he'd done. He spoke on behalf of the team, but Tony could tell the whole team wasn't as grateful as Steve said.
Having the team back didn't change much. Tony still felt as alone as ever, and the team seemed closer without him. They were back in the home he'd bought for them, using the food and equipment he'd supplied, and yet he was so fucking alone.
He wanted Rhodey back, but he knew Rhodey's work in the military was important to him. Whatever Rhodey was up to now had to be important, because he'd told Tony he wouldn't be back for a while.
After Tony paralysed his best friend, he figured letting him go back to what made him proud would be the least he could do.
He wanted to call Pepper and tell her he still loved her, that he would always love her, but she was busy running his company. And he respected her so much for that, that he wouldn't disrupt her. She worked better when she wasn't dating him.
It was the night the Avengers came home that everything began to fall apart.
It all started with a nightmare of Cap and Barnes in Siberia, beating the shit out of him and almost killing him. Being alone on the floor, suit damaged and essentially a titanium-alloy coffin, he remembered wishing that death would take him there and then. But he'd compartmentalised that.
And then he ended up dreaming of Yinsen, seeing the man dead, happy to be dead, and then remembering what it felt like to be waterboarded. Then he remembered flying a nuke into space and not thinking he'd ever come back, thinking that he'd die floating in space, never to be found.
He dreamt of watching Pepper fall, thinking she was dead, watching Rhodey fall, knowing that it'd be easier if he was dead, because a fall from that height should've killed him, and if it didn't Rhodey would be left with injuries bad enough to wish he died instead. He dreamt of the shield in his suit.
He dreamt of Howard.
He dreamt of his father talking about Captain America, talking about him being his greatest creation, telling Tony that he'd never live up to Captain America. That if Tony ever met the super-soldier, the hero would hate Tony for the pathetic scum he is. And then he dreamt of Captain America telling him that Tony was nothing without his suit, and feeling like Howard was right.
He dreamt of finding out his parents died, that his mom died, and then seeing the footage of how they both really died. And then it circled back to Siberia again, and it felt like a painful loop, a haunting loop. It kept going over and over, but Siberia was the one that hurt most.
Tony woke up with phantom pains of his sternum being broken, remembering what his body had tried to protect him from feeling due to the morphine. It felt like the pain all over again, before the morphine, before the rescue. It felt like just After, when he was lying in his suit like it was a grave.
He wished it was his grave.
He knew he had done well for the team, for Rhodey and Pepper, but that was it now. He had no other purpose in life. He'd done all he could and that was it.
Everything he compartmentalised had come crashing down, the mental walls blocking out all the difficult things crumbling within seconds. His chest became heavy, like the shield was still crushing it, and he felt like he couldn't breathe.
His head hurt, his stomach hurt, his chest hurt. Everything hurt, and he wanted it all to stop. He wanted everything to stop. The pain only just begun but he already wanted it to be over, and he'd do anything be over.
He felt like he was going to throw up and his lungs weren't working anymore. Was his blood not circulating around his body enough? Was oxygen not travelling to the right places? Was this his body malfunctioning or his brain?
Was it him?
Tony felt sick, so fucking sick, and his head was pounding. He felt like the shield was slamming into his faceplate over and over again, and god, everything fucking hurt. He wanted it- no, he needed it to stop.
How was he supposed to make it stop?
"..It is ten-thirty pm, you are safe."
Tony looked up, the overwhelming anxiety beginning to fade, and his breathing started to go back to normal. He didn't know how long he'd been panicking for, but it felt like eternity.
"Thanks FRI."
"Of course, Boss."
Tony collapsed, his head falling back onto the soft pillows of his bed. He didn't know what came over him, but he knew that was the worst nightmare he'd ever had, and he remembered every single part of it.
Worst of all, he remembered how he longed for death.
It wasn't until the next day that Tony realised, this whole time, he'd been longing for death. In Afghanistan, he felt like he'd rather die than be waterboarded again, and in New York, he didn't want to die but he wasn't against dying if it meant saving the world. Hell, he'd almost died of palladium poisoning, and at some point he'd been okay with actually dying.
He didn't know if Natasha saving him was a blessing or a curse.
He'd craved the sweet escape of death Before, and he craved it even more After. Siberia fucked him up, fucked up what was already fucked up. Now that everything was falling apart, he didn't think he could pick himself up.
Maybe it was time to say goodbye.
He was getting really fucking tired.
"Rhodey?" Tony hadn't talked to his best friend in a while. "You busy?"
"No, I've got a few minutes. What's up?"
"Just wanted to know how you've been. I, er, miss you."
"I miss you too, Tones." Rhodey said affectionately. "I've been training, figuring out how I can keep working with the new braces. They've been working wonders, Tones. I'm glad you were able to build me legs."
"I don't think I would be alive if I didn't." Tony admitted.
"Don't be dramatic." Rhodey laughed. "Of course you would be."
I would've let myself die, if I didn't have to make you legs. "You know me, always one for theatrics. Do you know when you're coming home?"
"Probably not for a while." He paused. "Why? Do you need me to come back? Cause I'll sort something out if-"
"No." Yes, please, I think I'll die without you. "No, I just miss you."
"I can come back."
"It's okay." Tony reassured. "It's not that bad. I think I can wait until whenever you come home. You keep doing whatever you're doing, and keep singing my praises for those legs of yours."
"Of course, Tones."
"Love you." Tony said quickly.
"I love you too. I'll call you when I can."
"Goodbye, Rhodey."
He hoped Rhodey didn't realise how final that sounded.
Tony wondered if the Avengers would miss him if he died. He was basically a ghost in his own home. Did they even remember he was in the compound with them? He didn't know. He hadn't talked to any of them since they came back.
He couldn't remember when they came back. Was it recently? It was- wasn't it?
Tony thought he was losing it.
He probably lost it a while ago.
He decided to wander for a bit. He didn't remember when he last ate an actual meal. He'd been eating random cereal bars now and then in the workshop, but he hadn't eaten anything actually filling in a while. His stomach growled at him loudly, making him think he definitely needed to eat something.
He bumped into the Avengers in the kitchen, because just his fucking luck, and he tried to supress the anxiety that bubbled up in the pit of his stomach. Supressing his emotions was what made things get so bad, but he had to in front of them.
He couldn't make himself look any weaker.
"Oh, shit, you're here?" Clint was the first to notice. "Man, we thought you moved out or something."
"You gotta watch your back with this guy. There's a chance he's gonna break it."
Tony felt sick. "I am. Moving out. I've just been packing up all my stuff."
"How come?"
"I just prefer the tower." Tony said casually, as if he hadn't just decided to move out on the spot.
"When are you leaving?" Steve asked.
You aren't even gonna ask me to stay? "Today. Erm, now, actually. After I eat something."
"You should. I haven't seen you here at all since we came back." Steve said. "Have you really been here the whole time?"
"No." Tony lied, to make them feel better. "I've been in and out. You guys just haven't noticed. Stealth and all that jazz."
"Still the same as ever." Natasha smiled.
For a second, Tony wanted to stay. But then he remembered he was everything but the same. He'd changed, his world crumbling around him, everything he tried to forget about or ignore destroying him from the inside.
"You know it, Natashalie." Tony smiled back. "Goodbye, guys."
He left the kitchen without anything to eat. He didn't need anything that badly. He still had cereal bars somewhere in the workshop. Besides, he had to leave now, didn't he? They were okay with him leaving. He said his goodbyes.
That was enough peacemaking.
"Tony." Pepper smiled upon seeing Tony in the tower.
He hadn't actually brought anything with him. None of his possessions, because it would be stupid to move everything for no reason. He left FRIDAY in the charge with the possessions-distributing. He had made a will already.
The tower would finally be one-hundred-percent Pepper's. The compound was the Avengers', FRIDAY would be left with Rhodey and Pepper, and a less-powerful version would assist the Avengers. His suits were all going to dismantle themselves, save for the ones he made for Pepper and Rhodey.
Happy would get all of his cars.
And his large fortune would be shared between Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, the team and charities. Specifically charities that support mental health and suicide prevention. Because if they couldn't save him, they could save other people.
"Pep." Tony smiled back, feeling more genuine than ever. He did miss her. "It's been a while."
"You know how business can get." She shrugged. "Or, you might not. You didn't do much when you actually ran the company."
"I had my secret-assassinator to do it for me." Tony joked, but it immediately hurt after. Despite that, he didn't let Pepper see. "You're running it better than he did, and I ever would, so it's whatever."
"Of course I am." Pepper laughed. "Any reason you've come over?"
"Just wanted to see how you're doing."
"Oh, I've got to go to a meeting now. I could cancel?"
"No, no, go run my company." Tony rolled his eyes, knowing that in a little while, the company would be completely hers. He trusted her with the Stark legacy. "I'll see you later."
"Will that be all, Mr Stark?"
Tony hated the way the familiarity made him want to stay. How he wanted to run into her arms, tell her he still loved her and that he wanted to die. That he was planning to kill himself, and if she wanted him to stay, he would.
But he couldn't say all that.
"That will be all, Miss Potts."
Tony thought of it very carefully. He went to the roof of the tower, the place that led to the wormhole that should've killed him. He was sitting down, a blade in his hand, pills in the other. And alcohol sitting closely beside him.
He wasn't going to let this fail.
There wasn't a single person or even an AI that could stop him from now on. He was completely free, and he knew what he was going to do with that freedom.
So, he began to pop pills, washing the taste of chemicals down with burning whiskey. He felt nauseous, unbelievably fucking nauseous, the more he took, but it didn't stop him. His throat started to burn but he kept drinking.
And then he got the blade, took a deep breath and cried a little bit. He couldn't believe himself- he didn't cry. But he was crying, because this was the calmest, the safest he'd felt in a while. He was about to kill himself and he felt at peace. There was no reason for him to have regrets because this was it.
There was no reason for him to be here anymore.
The blade ran across the skin on his wrist, thick crimson pouring out and staining the pale skin. Tony felt lightheaded, but it was nothing compared to the white-hot pain in his arm. It hurt, it hurt so fucking bad, and oh god, was he regretting this?
But then life started to slip away, his eyes closing slowly.
And then it was over.
He was at peace.
wow omg i finally wrote a sad ending !!!
cl i did make it clear he'd die in the little blurb thing at the start idk what to call it
for an angst writer i thrive on open and happy endings..
why's it fun making the end sad..
accidentally basically made two of this fic so lets go write the same shit
but different
cinnamon <3