"I can't. I'm sorry. It's just all too much all at once, and—"
"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Reed. I know better than anyone," Charlie smiles warmly up at me, no trace of the disappointment that I expect to find in her eyes, but I begin to feel stupid for thinking that way. Charlie has never been anything but an amazing friend, captain, teammate, and roommate; everything that she is to me, she excels at. "Don't beat yourself up about it, nobody in your program could do it alone. And nobody could have predicted Maddie's emergency situation. You're going through a lot right now. You don't need this on your resume," She reassures me and it gives me peace of mind.
I nod. "I know, but..."
"Bugger off if you're going to keep on. You're preaching to the wrong choir," She waves me off, making me laugh. I take the empty chair beside her bed instead, laying my head on her hand that rests atop her covers. She looks thin and paler than usual, lacking sunlight and warmth. Her smile, though smaller than I've seen it most of the time, still warms me from the inside out and I breathe out a content sigh.
"I miss you."
"I bet bunking with Farris isn't all that bad," She says and I can hear the smirk in her voice. Sure enough, when I glance up, there it is. My smile grows as well.
"No, not bad at all," I say and proceed to tell her any details I'm comfortable with sharing, not that Farris and I have gone very far. He still seems intent on taking it slow with me. "He's much clingier than I thought he'd be. Begging for my attention..." We laugh and continue to talk about anything and everything and I begin to feel lighter, sharing a conversation with her that isn't about anything specific, anything remarkable.
I catch her looking towards the small window in the hospital room, closed so as to not let any dust or other allergens that could cause infection into the room. All of us are being extremely careful, not coming in to visit if we so much as sneeze that day.
"I miss the sun," Charlie says. "And the ocean. Let's go to the beach as soon as I'm out of here," Her eyes light up and I nod along, unable to deny her though I know that when she's able to leave this place, it'll be under strict instructions that nobody would dare veer from.
"You know what," She pushes my head off of her and I sit up, watching her curiously. "You go. Gather the troops, and go to the beach or something," She insists and I furrow my eyebrows.
"You were just saying how much you miss the sun, and you want all your friends to go enjoy it without you?"
"Oh, don't you dare pity me that way. I am not to be used as an excuse to be a bore."
My eyebrows raise. "You're serious?"
"Dead. Go on. I need sleep. Patient in a hospital here. Look at the gown," She starts pulling down the sheets and I roll my eyes, tucking her back in as I stand up.
"Jeez, alright. We'll go enjoy the sun on your behalf."
"Don't come back without photographic evidence!" She calls out as I walk away and I give her a little wave before I make my way out of the room, phone in hand as I message the group chat that we've made without Charlie in order to plan her welcome home party, whenever that may be.
"Beach?"
"Stop pouting, it was her idea," Farris says, pushing Xander's bare shoulder. The latter has been bothering the former about his moping since we arrived, despite the fact that he has been parked under umbrellas because they can't enjoy the sun for long without turning a particularly uncomfortable primary color.
"We all wish she could join us," I tell him and he sighs.
"Sorry. I'll have fun any second now," He says with sarcasm injected into his voice and it makes me smile.
"And you too. He'll be fine, he's been through worse," I say to the other one moping a bit further away from the group. At least she put on a bathing suit, of course, it was after I forced her to come out with us, but still. It's not like I could physically overpower her or bully her into doing anything she truly didn't want to do.
"I know that," She says with an even voice. "But there's always a risk with surgery. And the risk is higher since he's still recovering."
"You guys are a bunch of downers," Lucy points out and I mutter the words 'not helping'. "Let's play something!" She offers, helpfully I must say, but she only gets a reaction from Farris.
"Volleyball?" He tries to entice Xander and it works, though the volleyball player stands up unenthusiastically, at least he's no longer sitting.
"C'mon," I hold out a hand to Maddie and she stares up at me for what feels like a minute, most likely only thirty seconds, and takes it. She brushes the sand off her shorts and walks by my side, joining the rest.
"Should we set a timer for you and your delicate complexion?" Lucy teases Farris and he rolls his eyes.
"Good suggestion, but I'll live if I get a little color."
"The color will be red," I tell him and he smiles cheekily making me shake my head and smile with him.
"Red's my color," He says, patting his shorts and drawing my eyes down to his muscular thighs. The swim shorts he's got on are shorter, not indecently so, but it feels like it looking at the sculpted quads he has on display. Unfortunately for me, the jokes about his skin burning easily are true, so when we come to the beach, he's often covered up by this white, long sleeve rash guard that protects him from the sun.
I anticipate more freckles to crop up over his fair skin, and all I can think about is exploring and finding them with my mouth. I'm broken out of my thoughts by a hit to the head with the ball and a group of my friends laughing at me.
Farris raises a curious eyebrow and I know that I've been caught. I smile at him and he tilts his head to the side, the two of us communicating with our eyes. He nods and Lucy says something about starting the game, bringing the two of us out of our bubble but we don't look away.
"Why don't we go out for dinner after this? Just the two of us?" A hand is wrapped around my waist and the words are spoken directly against the shell of my ear, sending a shiver down my spine despite the warm weather.
Nodding, I ask "Where to?"
"Let me worry about that. You can pick next time."
"You're just going to pick somewhere that you know I like," I point out.
"And that's a bad thing because...?" His hand squeezes and I cringe away from him as it tickles. He doesn't let go or loosen his grip on me, holding on like he thinks he may never get another chance.
"Because you're a show-off," I say and nod at Xander as he waves the two of us over.
"If by show off, you mean I like to prove that I listen to you, then you are absolutely right."
"I don't need you to do that. Let's go somewhere new. To both of us," I suggest, and his blue eyes, though he has to squint slightly in the sun, sparkle like aquamarine.
"Alright. I like the sound of that," He says and my eyes widen at the same moment as my jaw drops when I feel a sharp sting on my bare ass cheek. I glare at him and his audacity to slap my ass in public, in front of our friends, but nobody is paying any attention. The mischief in his eyes makes promises that I can't wait for him to keep.
After playing a few rounds of keep-up with the volleyball, the guys and Lucy toss around a frisbee while I hang out with Maddie for the first time since she's returned.
"How was your trip?"
"Not at fun as Spain should be," She tells me and I nod.
"I saw your picture at some big event. A gala or something."
She nods, pursing her lips as she stares out at the ocean. The sun is starting to set and we both have our sunglasses on to hide from the glare. "Wasn't optional."
"I figured. Does Aaron know yet?"
"He knows about my sister."
"So no."
"I'll tell him," She says and I give her my best side eye. "I will," She promises.
"I believe you. But it's just that you haven't done it already. I just wonder why," I say, trying to insist with my tone that I'm not judging her for her discretion, but rather that I'm confused by it.
She shrugs. "It's a lot. There's just a lot going on with him and—"
"And there's a lot going on with you. But sometimes sharing all that grief and pain and burden with someone else, even if they can't help, just letting someone in can help," I tell her. "I started talking to someone. A therapist. And then I told Farris everything, and he helped me make a plan of action. Mostly just made me feel like I wasn't alone. That even though I could do it alone, I didn't have to."
"But you're my person," She says and my neck snaps to look at her. My face softens as I look at her and I pull her into a side hug, feeling overwhelmed with emotion.
"Yeah. I'll always be your person."
"I know you have a lot going on but—"
"I renounced my title of captain, so I have time to be a cheerleader."