It is a known fact that even the kindest people have their limits. People say that it is these, the quiet kind ones, that you shouldn't push beyond that limit because they can become the most scariest.
And that was true with Ateez. All members collectively agreed that San was that person. He was funny, kind and caring. If you needed a shoulder, he was the first to offer his for you to lean or cry on. If you were feeling down, he was always there to put a smile back on your face and lift your spirits again. If you were anxious, he would be there with encouraging words. If you felt like you weren't enough, he was there to tell you just how important and worthy you were.
But even San had his bad days. Because even the happiest people cry sometimes. The bravest people still get scared. And the kindest can still snap.
And for San, today was one of those days. It was just little things at first, but as the day went by, it continued to get worse. It had all started when San had tried to have an early morning shower and the water wouldn't go hot. And then he couldn't find any clean socks to wear, and had had to borrow some off Wooyoung, but it turned out the pair Wooyoung gave him were his own anyway.
If that wasn't all enough, when he had gone to make cereal for his breakfast, it turned out someone had only left a tablespoon of milk in the bottle.
Maybe they were just small inconveniences, but they all piled up until San was feeling unbearably frustrated and miserable. He wanted nothing more than to just go back to bed and sleep the horrible day away, while hoping that tomorrow would be different. But unfortunately, they had a busy schedule that day. They spent a couple of hours that morning practicing, before heading out for a fan meeting and a concert. It was not usual to have them both the same day, but there had been some sort of muck up with management, and both events had been planned for the same day.
As if the day wasn't bad enough, the traffic was incredibly slow and their van moved at the pace of a snail.
San stared out of the window, his hot flushed face pressed against the cold glass. His gaze drifted over the still cars, before drifting back to study the people who were in them. An elderly man sat stiff and upright, his hands resting on the steering wheel as he patiently stared at the cars ahead of him, waiting for a sign of movement. A young man was gesturing with his hands, his face holding a scowl, as he appeared to complain to the lady in the car with him. The lady didn't appear to be listening well as she stared at her phone, her expression seeming to be almost bored. In another car, a young girl was no longer even bothering to pay attention to the traffic, but instead had pulled out her mirror and was touching up her already perfect looking makeup.
San's gaze moved away from them and towards the bustling shops by the road. An elderly woman carrying her heavy groceries, was being stopped by a kind young man who was offering to take from her. A young child carrying a teddy bear, appeared to be animatedly reenacting out a story to his amused parents.
The sights calmed San, reminding him there was still goodness left out there in the world. Even if he himself was having a bad day, there were others out there who were happy and content. So San was happy for them.
But no sooner had he thought that to himself, a drunk man ambling passed, bumped into the elderly woman, causing her to fall. In his haste to catch her, the younger man dropped her bag and a jar shattered across the pavement. Distracted by the commotion, the parents hushed the child up and rushed to help them, leaving the child standing alone and startled.
San turned away with a sigh. It was a really bad day and everyone should have just stayed home.
They finally arrived at the venue when they did a couple of more touch ups with their stylists before heading out to greet their fans. It went quite well at first. San loved meeting his fans face to face. They poured out their love and admiration for the group, bestowed him with gifts, and told him much he had inspired them. It really meant a lot to San and he was always touched by their words.
As he was waving off a sweet young girl who told him how much he had helped her get over her insecurities, he felt his heart sinking at the fan who approached. He wasn't one to judge someone for what they wore, but at first glance, he knew what the girl had on was obviously intentional. After the years he had been in the industry, it only took one look for him to recognise her type. It was written all over her smug self-entitled face.
She sat down in front of him and leaned forward, almost as if she had practiced the pose a hundred times. San immediately looked away, knowing exactly what she was trying to do. He still offered her a smile however, and greeted her politely, before taking her album and opening it up to sign it quickly. A scrap of paper fell out of it and San saw that it had a phone number and address scribbled across it. He pretended he hadn't noticed it, and pushed the signed album back to the girl. As he did so, he noticed Mingi's signature was missing although he had been the first in line.
The heat rushed to his face, but a smile still faked its way across his face.
The girl shot him a smile.
"I think you are like the most beautiful person to exist."
"Thank you," was all San could force out of his mouth.
The girl leaned even closer, fluttering her eyelashes up at him.
"And what do you think of me?"
For a moment, San's brain stopped working and he could only stare back at the girl. She had a really slappable face, San thought to himself before being slightly horrified at himself. He felt like spewing as he forced his next words out.
"You are very pretty."
The girl looked obviously pleased by his words. She glanced up to make sure the staff were out of hearing, then leaned even closer then before.
"Then I will let you know that I am staying at the hotel tonight...alone."
San drew back, no longer even bothering to hide his feelings. The girl just laughed mockingly at his reaction and moved to Wooyoung. San could barely focus on the next fan that moved in front of him. He signed his name away in a daze. He could heard the fanboy excitedly telling him something about wanting to be a dancer too one day, but San couldn't listen attentively. He was distracted by the girl talking to Wooyoung. She was telling him that he looked pretty enough, but she wasn't a fan of his vocals. Wooyoung wasn't even trying to hide his distaste, and San could see he hadn't even bothered to finish his signature before pushing the album back to her.
San's blood was boiling. As the girl moved down the line, he heard her tell Yeosang the opposite. He had a nice voice, but his visuals weren't her type. And the comments he heard her give Jongho about his waterbomb concert outfit made his skin crawl.
San had never desired violence so much in his life. This girl had awoken a level of anger he didn't even know he had. But thankfully the two hours were soon over, and the Ateez members were able to pile back into the back rooms and rest. San wasn't surprised that no one wanted to talk much, as they all stewed over the same thing...or rather, the same person.
Hongjoong had seen her skip Mingi and was absolutely livid. Mingi didn't say anything about it, but the way he went to sit beside Yunho and take his hand, everyone knew it had hurt him. Seonghwa had been sitting beside Jongho during the fansign, and pulled him into a corner to gently discuss it with him. Jongho looked slightly upset but hadn't seemed to have taken it to heart. If anything, he was more annoyed by it.
San just couldn't believe people could do that and get away with it. Was there really no respect or dignity in some people? He hated today more than anything, and it wasn't even close to being over. Before he knew it, they were being dressed up and restyled again. Stylists were racing about with combs and spray, touching up the members hair. Another one stopped San to apply more powder to his face. Then they were being rushed forwards, and staff were hooking the mics up to them and testing them.
"Okay, are we all ready? Is everyone good?" someone from the sound team asked.
The other members gave him a thumbs up, but San shook his head.
"I don't think mine is working."
"Okay, good luck out there," the staff told them, clearly not hearing a word that San had said.
San tried to approach them to explain, but the group was being ushered towards the entrance. He glanced around, his heart beginning to pound rapidly in his chest.
"Hongjoong-hyung?" he tried, reaching out to grasp at Hongjoong's shirt.
But Hongjoong didn't hear him as he looked frantically about, his finger jumping through the air as he tried to count them all.
"2...4...6...7...who is missing? Where is Yeosang? Oh, right behind me. Yeosang, come to the front. Mingi, for goodness sakes what are you doing?"
And then they were piling out on stage and the audience was screaming out their names. San felt like he was going to faint. He didn't know what to do, as he glanced nervously about. It was like everything was moving too fast around him. Almost like he wasn't even there. San felt ridiculously small and insignificant then. He wished the stage would just open up and swallow him, that a miracle would happen and save him from this living horror.
Just then the music began. To his utter relief, by the time his line came about, his mic miraculously did work again. San couldn't believe it. Maybe his bad luck was over and the worst of the day had passed. He was on top of the world as he broke free from his worries. But that was only until the next song. San's mic suddenly stopped and he couldn't be heard over the sound of the music. His members glanced at him questioningly, and San tried to look for a staff to help him. His request for help was ignored however as for his next line, the mic worked again. It worked for two songs after that, but on the fifth song, it cut out entirely.
San, who was standing at the centre of the stage, envisioned hundreds of eyes staring back at him, and he staggered back. Everything was going wrong and all those eyes were watching him. He turned slightly, his gaze drifting over the sea of faces. There were thousands of people there. And they had all seen his mistake. He was a failure. He had humiliated himself in front of them all.
He could feel his chest tightening and he struggled to breathe. Towards the front of the audience, he saw hands being pointed at him, and he shrank back. And then he saw it, that accursed girl's taunting smile floated to his mind. It mocked him. And as San stared at the audience before him, their faces all morphed into hers.
San felt sick and angry at the same time. He didn't want to perform for them anymore. He couldn't. That honeyed purring voice came back to his ears. Turning, San stumbled blindly from the stage. He heard one of his members hiss his name but he ignored them. He stumbled out the back, and hurled his mic across the room, before fleeing into the further back rooms.
He soon found himself in a room that had rows and rows of clothes hanging up on all sides. He pushed his way through them and huddled against the wall. The clothes draped about him, hiding him well out of sight. Closing his eyes tightly, San drew his knees up under his chin and wrapped his arms about them. A soft sigh left his lips, and a tear trickled its way down his cheek.
* * * * *
San opened his eyes wearily. He must have fallen asleep. His whole body felt stiff and sore from the position he had been sitting in. But as he went to stretch himself out, he heard a voice. He immediately stiffened, his whole body freezing in place.
"San!" He heard them yell. "San, where are you?"
In the darkness of the room, San could hear his own heart thumping loudly with fear. It was Hongjoong. And he sounded pissed.
San jumped slightly as he heard the sound of the door opening, and through the line of clothes, saw a stream of light flood through the room.
"San, are you in here?"
San did not answer. But as he shrank back further against the wall, the clothes rustled about him. Immediately the lights switched on and Hongjoong stepped into the room. There was a long moment of silence as Hongjoong stood in the doorway and looked around the room.
"I know you are in here, San. So please come out."
San held his breath and closed his eyes. To calm himself, he began counting. To his surprise, Hongjoong began counting with him.
"1...2...I'm going to count to 10, San, so don't make me look for you. 3...4."
San pushed the clothes gently apart and peered out. Hongjoong was stepping into the room and closing the door behind him, still glancing about for any sign of him. He didn't look as angry as San thought he'd be. The leader looked more concerned now.
"5...Sannie, come on. Don't make this difficult. 6...7...8," Hongjoong paused and took a deep breath. "I don't want to get angry with you, San. I know you must have run out for a reason. So let's just talk it out."
San closed his eyes again, and rested his head back against the wall. He was tired...over it all.
"9..."
"I'm here, hyung," San whispered, squeezing his eyes even tighter. He heard Hongjoong's quick footsteps approach, but he still jumped in fright when the clothes were yanked aside. Then silence.
San slowly opened his eyes and raised his head. Hongjoong was staring down at him, his sharp eyes scanning him over. He then lowered himself down beside San, his eyes never leaving him. Reaching out, his hands moved over San, feeling his forehead and running over his arms, checking his wrists and hands.
"Are you okay, San? What happened? Are you sick?"
San shook his head.
"No, hyung. I...I just didn't feel like it anymore."
A pin could have been heard dropping in the silence that followed his statement. Hongjoong gaped at him.
"You didn't feel like it?" he asked, his eyes widening in shock. "That was it?"
San lowered his head, not wanting to look into his leader's eyes.
"Yes, hyung," he whispered in reply. "That was it."
Hongjoong glanced at his watch and quickly rose to his feet.
"Intermission is almost over. Go get ready and come back out on the stage. Prepare an explanation for the fans while you are at it." He turned away. "We'll talk about this later."
He walked over to the door and grabbed the handle. But San's low voice stopped him before he had even turned it.
"I'm not doing it, hyung. I am not going back out there."
Hongjoong swung back around to face him.
"You are going out there whether you like it or not. Do you know how worried we all were? We thought you were injured or sick. And instead...you just didn't feel like it?" He stared at San, his expression a mix of bewilderment and anger. "Too bad, San. We all don't feel like it some days, but we don't go acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum because he can't get what he wants. What about the fans, San? They paid a lot of money to see you."
That only made San feel worse. A chill ran up his spine, and his stomach lurched at the thought.
"Well too bad, cuz I don't want to see them today."
He sprang to his feet and pushed pasted Hongjoong. He didn't make it very far, before Hongjoong grabbed his arm and spun him around.
"You WILL go back out on stage, San, or there will be trouble."
San glared defiantly back at him, his jaw jutting out stubbornly.
"Are you going to drag me out, hyung? In front of all those people."
Hongjoong's jaw twitched at the smart-mouthed reply.
"San," was all he warned, his voice dropping to a low threatening tone.
San leaned closer until their faces were inches apart.
"I am NOT going out there." He emphasized the word with a shove to Hongjoong's chest.
Quick as flash, Hongjoong spun him about, pushing him forwards over one arm.
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
He pulled San back upright, and let him go with a push.
"We will talk about this back at the dorm."
He walked around San, his shoulder smacking into him as he passed. San stood there alone, his body shaking as he tried to process what had just happened. His bottom lip began to tremble, and a small sob erupted from him. He couldn't even fully understand what he had done himself. He didn't know why he was acting like this. It was like a little nasty monster had awaken within him. But at the same time, he was genuinely scared. Not of Hongjoong, but of the crowd...of all those eyes that had stared back at him. They had made him feel so vulnerable.
He walked back to the waiting room like one in a daze, and collapsed there in a chair to wait. A stylist noona came over to sit a bottle of water by his side and cover him with a blanket, before patting his back comfortingly. San shrank out of sight beneath the blanket, blocking out the noise and the bright lights.
He could hear Hongjoong through the speakers, and heard his name being mentioned. Something about him suddenly not feeling well and that although he couldn't return to the stage, he was okay so the fans shouldn't worry.
San shut his eyes and let out a long sigh. Within a few moments, he was asleep once more.
* * * * *
San awoke with a start. He sat up and the blanket that had covered him fell to the floor. Staring around the room and blinking wearily, San saw that the staff were rushing around packing everything up.
So, it hadn't been a bad dream, San realised with a sinking heart. He felt queasy in his stomach as he began to realise what he had done. He had really just went and skipped a whole concert, and for no real good reason. His members must be furious.
He shrank back in fright as he saw them entering the room now. They all shot him a curious look, some concerned, some annoyed, some a mixture of both.
It was Seonghwa who approached him first.
"San, are you okay?" he asked, kneeling beside the chair and looking searchingly into San's pale face.
San didn't get time to answer as Hongjoong stormed up and grabbed him by the arm and yanked him off the chair.
"Let's go," he ordered the others, his hand still gripping San.
San glanced at the leader, and he saw it in his eyes. Hongjoong was beyond angry. He was absolutely livid. San didn't even dare to think what might await him back at the dorm and he balked.
"I am not going," he snapped, trying to peel Hongjoong's fingers off him.
Hongjoong pulled him closer.
"You've dug yourself into a deep hole already, San. Don't dig it any deeper."
San tried to pull away from him, but Hongjoong's grip tightened.
"I am not going," San repeated, his voice rising.
"Then are you going to sleep here?" Hongjoong snapped right back at him. "Or are you going to sleep at a hotel for the night?"
The cold shudder ran back through San and he felt his skin crawl again. He felt disgusted...violated...ashamed. Without thinking, he pulled back his arm and punched Hongjoong right in the jaw.
For a moment, it was like time seemed to freeze. He heard the staff gasping, and one of the members shouted his name. He could see Hongjoong staring back at him, his eyes wide with disbelief and shock.
Then the next moment, he felt himself being pushed around. Hongjoong had stuck his foot up on the chair San had been sitting on, and was pushing San over his bent knee.
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
"You need to stop acting like an immature brat," he heard Hongjoong hiss as him. "I've had it with your attitude."
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
"Hongjoong, let him go! Not here." San heard Seonghwa beg in a horrified voice.
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
San's hands gripped Hongjoong's thigh and he leaned forward, sobbing. He felt someone grab his arm again and pull him back. He stumbled and was caught in their arms. It was Seonghwa. The oldest hyung's arms encircled San protectively, shielding him from the angry leader.
"I respect you as our captain, Hongjoong. But I won't let you hit him. Not here. Not in front of the staff. Not while you are angry."
Hongjoong stepped back, breathing hard. He knew he had just let his anger get the best of him, and he regretted it. The staff were all pretending to be busy again, their faces flushing red at the awkward situation. They all knew this happened, but usually it was behind closed doors.
He bowed his head, apologising out loud for both their behaviour. Then turning, he strode away out to the car.
Seonghwa patted San's arm comfortingly as he led him out. The others followed behind, no one daring to utter a single word. They didn't understand what was going on or why both San and Hongjoong were acting like that.
They all piled back into the van, and San gazed back out the window once more.
It didn't feel that long before they were back at home again.
The Ateez members piled out of the van, thanked the driver and manager for their hard word, and then shuffled inside. The 99'line (excluding San) and Jongho wished their hyungs a good night and hurried upstairs, leaving San alone with the two eldest. The matz hyungs didn't seem to notice San however, as they began arguing in low voices. From what San could pick up, Seonghwa seemed to be berating Hongjoong for humiliating San in front of everyone. Hongjoong glanced passed Seonghwa to meet San's gaze. For a long moment they stared at each other, both with expressions of guilt. Then Hongjoong turned away.
"Go to bed, San. It's been a long day."
San didn't need to be told twice. He turned and hurried up the stairs. He took a brief shower, brushed his teeth and then went to find the comfort of his bed. Finally the wretched day was over, and San could sleep it all away. He entered the room and shut the door behind him. Yunho was already in bed, but he wasn't asleep. He was playing a video game while eating snacks. He looked up as San entered, and his eyes widened in surprise.
San ignored his stare and climbed up onto the top bunk. He curled into a ball and pulled the blankets up over his head. It wasn't until that moment that he realised his heart was beating like crazy and he didn't feel the slightest bit tired. He felt the bunk shake as Yunho sat up.
"He shouldn't have hit you there, San," he heard Yunho say in a quiet and understanding voice. "But you messed up big time. He's not just angry, he's scared."
San didn't say anything, but he was truly listening to what Yunho was saying. And he knew Yunho was right. Hongjoong wasn't angry so much at the fact that San had stormed off stage, as he was about what the consequences for it could be. He pulled the blanket off his head and sat up.
"I don't know what to do, Yunho," he whispered, although his voice sounded deafeningly loud in the silence that had filled the room.
Yunho got off the bed and turned to look up at San.
"You won't sleep tonight and neither will he, so you might as well go talk it out." He reached up and squeezed San's hand. "I am going to go hang out with Mingi. Come to me if you need me."
He gave San's hand one more firm squeeze, then walked out. San watched him go, before throwing himself back and staring up at the ceiling. Reflecting back on his day, it now seemed ridiculous. Where had it even all started? Was it all just because of the milk? Or had it been over the cold water? Of course, it could have just been everything together, but looking at each individual incident, they all seemed so small and silly.
And even if they had all built up, did it still really excuse his behaviour? San could see the problem clearly now. It hadn't seemed like that big of a deal earlier in the moment. Hongjoong had lied and covered it up for him, so he had felt like it was all over. But it wasn't. Now the fans would publish the video on line. They would note how sick he had looked and how he had almost collapsed. They would blame the company for pushing them over their limit, and send protests asking them to take better care of the group. And then the company would look into it, and staff would say how he had stormed out and thrown the mic. Maybe a staff would even be tempted to tell people about it online. Then the company would know the truth and they could all be in trouble.
Pushing himself back up, San all but leapt out of the bed. Stopping to grab something that hung over the edge of the bed, he exited the room and headed downstairs. Hongjoong was no longer in the living room, so San went to head towards his shared bedroom, when he heard a light cough from outside. Opening the front door, San saw that Hongjoong was sitting on the front step with a drink in one hand.
Taking a deep breath, San shut the door quietly behind him and approached the leader cautiously. He saw Hongjoong's eyes glance at him, before acting like he hadn't seen him.
"Hyung," he murmured in a low voice. "I am sorry for my behaviour today. Especially for punching you. I...I was wrong."
He hung his head low, his hands moving behind his back. Hongjoong still didn't look at him as he took another sip of his drink.
"Punching me is the least thing that I am angry about, San," he finally muttered in reply. "I don't think you have any idea what you have done."
"I do," San protested, tears rushing to his eyes. "Here, hyung. Take this and stop being angry."
He held his hands out, the belt draped across his palms. Hongjoong stared at it, before suddenly rising to his feet and swatting it out of his hands. His eyes blazed with anger.
"Do you think this is all it is about, San? Do you think I want to do this? That it makes me feel good or something?" He turned away, his hands running through his hair as he attempted to calm himself. "It doesn't, San. I feel horrible. I feel like a bully. But I have to because rules are rules, and there are consequences when we don't follow them. But I am not sure you understand that." He paused and looked back at San. "Did you really think you could get away with just leaving the concert? And then...and then not even have a reason for it."
San's lip trembled as the tears began to flow down his face.
"I was just having a bad day and didn't want to do it anymore."
Hongjoong came forward to rest both his hands on San's shoulders. He leaned closer to look searchingly into his face.
"I understand that, San. But that isn't an acceptable reason. You can't just do that. You know that."
San began to sob quietly, and Hongjoong stepped back again. He walked down the steps to go fetch the belt which lay on the pathway. As he picked it up and headed back up the steps to the porch, he spoke again.
"You just had to stick it out, San. We could have made a plan during the intermission. If you were having a bad day, you should have just talked to me and we could have worked something out. And even if you left during the performance, why did you have to go throwing the mic? Why did you go hide and not talk to me?" He stared at San, his face holding a mix of frustration, sorrow and disappointment. "The company already knows, Sannie. They knew since the moment you stormed out of the back room."
San moved his mouth to say something, but no words would come. He was beginning to understand Hongjoong's anger now.
Hongjoong laid a hand on his arm and gently guided him back inside. He stopped to toss the belt on the couch, then headed into the kitchen to rinse out his glass. San just stood in the middle of the living room like one in a daze. He just wanted to rewind time, or even just somehow erase this day like it had never happened. All of his actions had been decided by the moment. He hadn't thought this far ahead of what might happen because of them. He looked up as Hongjoong reentered the room.
"Hyung," he whispered. "I-"
Hongjoong just threw himself down onto the couch, and stared up at San as if contemplating something. Then with a sigh, he patted the seat beside him. San obeyed, not understanding why Hongjoong hadn't just pulled him over his lap yet.
"Sannie," Hongjoong began, turning his body so that he could face San. His face was unusually grave. For a moment, the leader hesitated as though trying to find the right words. "Sannie," he repeated again. "I understand you were having a bad day. I noticed your mood seemed off but I was so busy trying to get things done that I didn't talk to you. So, I apologise for not prioritizing your needs. I am also aware your mic stop working and that must have caused you a lot of anxiety. Most of all however, I want to apologise for punishing you in front of our staff. I know it must have caused you a lot of embarrassment. I shouldn't have done that."
San stared at him. Whatever he had thought Hongjoong might say, it certainly wasn't that. Because thinking back on it, he may have deserved it a little. He had been disrespectful and rude to Hongjoong. And then on top of it all, had gone as far as punching him. Of course, Hongjoong who was already upset and stressed would react the way he did. He shook his head to protest, but Hongjoong continued.
"We are still going to have to discuss your behaviour though, San. It is not your fault that you had a bad day. I know you were frustrated and upset, but it is about the way you handled it. Leaving the stage is one thing, but throwing company property, not telling anyone where you were going, hiding, and smart-mouthing me are all another matter. As for you punching me, I have decided to let that go. I know you weren't yourself in that moment, and we can call it even since I disciplined you there in front of everyone. But I don't want you to even think of ever doing that again, do you understand?"
"Yes, hyung," San whispered. He bowed his head. "I am really truly sorry, hyung. Really I am."
"I know you are," Hongjoong told him, his voice softening. "That is why I am not giving you the belt. I am just going to use my hand."
He patted his lap, and San didn't even hesitate. He got into position without protest. Hongjoong rubbed his back for a brief moment, almost as if thanking him for obeying without a struggle. Then he raised his hand, and San braced himself.
Smack!
San flinched. Hongjoong really wasn't going to hold back.
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
"Like I said, San, I understand you were having a bad day. But don't you ever go off stage like that without talking to one of us. All you needed to do was tell us where you were going and then go backstage and get a new mic."
"I know, hyung," San sobbed softly. "I was wrong."
"Why did you hide, San?" Hongjoong wanted to know. His hands rested on San's back, giving him the chance to calm down and breathe.
"I don't know, hyung," San replied, before actually stopping to think about it. "I wasn't really trying to hide from you. I just..."
"Was it anxiety?" Hongjoong asked softly, his hand moving to rub San's back in a circular motion.
San closed his eyes, wanting to enjoy the comforting gesture while it lasted. But the moment he closed his eyes, it was as though he was standing before that sea of faces once more. He shuddered, and Hongjoong's hands stilled as he felt it.
"I got scared, hyung. I just found myself doubting them."
"Doubting who?"
San shifted uncomfortably. He drew one hand off the floor to lay it against Hongjoong's thigh. The contact brought him an immediate sense of comfort.
"The fans," he whispered in reply. "All those eyes. I suddenly wondered what the thoughts were behind them."
He felt Hongjoong stiffen and glanced over his shoulder. A concerned frown had appeared across the leader's face.
"It was about that girl, wasn't it, San?" When San didn't answer, Hongjoong pulled him up onto his lap. "Oh, Sannie, I am so sorry. I was so angry at her for upsetting Mingi, I didn't even stop to think about how she might have treated the rest of you. Are you okay?"
San shrugged, but his hands moved to play with the beads on Hongjoong's jacket. He didn't want to meet the captain's worried gaze.
"I know I should be used to it, hyung. It just-"
"Don't say that, San," Hongjoong reprimanded him gently. "You shouldn't ever have to be 'use' to it. You should never even have to experience it. I know it is hard, and I know how it makes you feel. It is especially hard that we can't even stand up for ourselves without it being turned against us. I don't want to say that we just have to put up with it, because we shouldn't have to. But it is something that comes with being in this industry. It is wrong, but we can't let it get to us. Tell me if it happens, okay? I'll talk to the company about it and see if we can get more staff to be on the lookout for it."
San nodded. "Thanks, hyung. I thought..." His lip trembled and he looked away.
"You thought it wasn't that serious. It is, San. It made you uncomfortable. And your feelings are valid. You need to understand that. I am not angry with you, nor do I blame you for feeling overwhelmed by it on the stage. It is what you chose to do afterwards that upset me. I want you to understand that, Sannie."
San nodded. Believing him, Hongjoong gently gestured for him to lie back over again. San did as asked. His chest felt less tight, and he found he could breathe a lot easier now. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted off him. It was unbelievably wonderful how talking could make one feel so much better.
"Why did you throw the mic?" Hongjoong asked, bringing him back to the reality of his situation. "Was that still the anxiety?"
San shook his head timidly. "No, not really, hyung. Everything after that was just because I was angry and frustrated. Today just sucked, and I guess I tried to take it out on everyone else."
"And is there anything else I should know, San?"
San just shook his head. So, Hongjoong adjusted his dongsaeng's body slightly forward and raised his hand.
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
"You can not go around throwing company property, San. If the mic wasn't completely broken before you threw it, it was certainly broken after. Do you think that is acceptable behaviour?"
"No, hyung," San wept.
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
"And in front of the staff, San. What were you thinking?"
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
"You will go find the staff that witnessed it and apologise to each and every one of them, do you understand me?"
"Ow, hyung. Yes...yes, I'll do it, hyung. So please stop."
Hongjoong didn't seem to have intention of doing so.
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
"And the next time I ask you to do anything, don't you dare go smart-mouthing me like that. If you have a reason for your actions, explain it to me like a man. Don't go throwing a tantrum like a child, otherwise I will treat you like one."
"Ye-yes, hyu...hyung," San stammered through his hiccuping sobs.
Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
"Hyuunnnnggg," San wailed. He threw his hand back, but not to cover himself. His hand clutched at Hongjoong's shirt for a moment, before snaking around the leader's waist.
Hongjoong could feel it shaking against him, and it took everything he had not to burst into tears with San. He leaned down and his arms encircled about San before he drew him up into his arms.
"Sannie," he whispered softly. "It is okay, I got you. I won't let anyone hurt you, okay? I am right here."
"Hyung, Oh, hyung," was all San could get out as his breath hitched in his throat.
Hongjoong cradled his dongsaeng's head as San leaned onto his shoulder.
"Hyung's not going anywhere," Hongjoong told him. "Let it out, San. Just let it all out."
And San did. From the silly things like the cold water, to not being left enough milk, for the poor elderly woman on the street, to the girl who had dared call herself a fan, all the way up to the broken mic, San cried about it all. For each and every thing that had happened that day, both big and small, San cried out his frustration. And it felt good. Held in his hyung's loving arms, San felt warm, safe, and secure. And suddenly those things didn't seem to matter as much. Because he realised then that he was allowed to have a bad day. And that no matter what happened or what he did, there was someone who would welcome him with open arms and offer him a shoulder to cry on. San felt like the luckiest person alive.
"Hyung," he murmured drowsily, as his lids began to grow heavy. "Talk to the others too. That girl said some horrible things to Wooyoung, Yeosang, and Jongho too."
Hongjoong nodded, his cheek rubbing against San's hair. He had seen Seonghwa talking to Jongho, but hadn't got around to checking on him himself.
"I will be sure to do that, Sannie. Don't worry."
He rested his head against San's and closed his eyes. He could feel San's chest rising and falling steadily against his own, and knew his dongsaeng had fallen asleep.
"I am sorry, San. I really am. To you and all the others."
A tear escaped his closed lids and trickled down his cheek. He hadn't been able to explain the real reason of his anger to San. Why he had been so scared and riled up. Why he had jumped straight to berating San without even fully checking to see if he was okay. Because how could he explain it. San would only blame himself.
He felt the presence of someone else, and opened his eyes to see Seonghwa standing over him.
"You okay, Hongjoong-ah?" Seonghwa asked as he moved to seat himself on the couch beside him.
Hongjoong shook his head.
"I got a call from the company during the intermission, Seonghwa." He paused to gulp down a deep breath, then turned his tear-filled eyes towards his older friend. "A staff had called to complain about us being 'unruly' and 'uncontrollable'. He's going to be allowed back. Manager Ho is returning."