If I Would Have Known by Kyle Hume^^
Work was kicking my ass.
For the last few days, I have been working my ass off. It seemed like everyone was coming to get their car serviced, and we've been more busy than ever.
When I came back to work, I noticed that Chad wasn't here. He hasn't been here for the last few days, and when I asked my boss about it, it definitely shocked me when he said Chad quit.
"Why?"
"Not sure. He just said he was done."
As I thought about it, the last thing I said to him was a little harsh. I knew it couldn't be because of me, but it was in the back of the mind for the last few days.
It was weird without Chad here now. He was my only friend here, so I was a little on the outside now cause I didn't talk to any of these guys here.
When I tried texting him, asking him why he quit, I never got a response back. I was confused but decided to let it go and delete his number since he was gone.
It didn't really get to me as the days turned into weeks, and I was focused on work that nothing else was even remotely bothering me anymore.
Amaya came by everyday to give me lunch. I was thankful, and she was happy that I was eating.
When I told her about Chad, she was confused and asked why he quit. I couldn't tell her, but I said that he just decided to quit one day.
It didn't make any sense, but I got on with work without him.
When the days turned into weeks, I started noticing that Amaya was getting more sick. I was up almost everynight with her cause she was in pain, and one time she threw up but it was blood that came out.
She was taken back to the hospital, but this time she made me stay away from her. I didn't want to argue and stayed at work, but I went to visit her everyday after.
After a week in a half, she got released from the hospital. That made me smile as I was happy, but she wasn't acting like herself. She wasn't eating much or doing anything, and when Alina tried calling the doctor, Amaya stopped her.
It made me worry so much that I never really went home anymore. I stayed with her everyday, which she didn't like but I didn't care.
I told her that I would not leave her.
"No matter what." I told her.
It was hard going to work, but I did my best to focus on work.
But it was hard when Amaya lived in my mind.
She stopped coming to my work to bring me food, which I understood cause she was sick. I texted her everyday, and she messaged back sometimes but other times she would be asleep.
I noticed how she's been sleeping a lot lately, but I figured it was the medicine that she was taking. It did make her drowsy, so I didn't question it when she would still be asleep when I got to her house.
It just made me stay by her side everyday and night.
When I did go home, Asher would question why Amaya wasn't with me every time. I had to tell him that she was busy, but Kate was watching me from afar.
Kate was getting more worried about me when I told her about Amaya. She told me that she was beyond worried everyday, and I was the reason for her to worry.
I didn't let anyone or anything make negative thoughts come through my head when it came to Amaya.
Alina didn't want us together cause of Amaya's time, and Kate was worried that I would end up in a terrible situation once something happens.
I ignored everyone and continued to live my life the way I wanted.
But as the weeks came and went, things started turning into more of a nightmare than reality. I noticed that Amaya wasn't getting any better, and that made me worry.
I tried thinking of positive thoughts but I couldn't cause I knew Amaya was getting worse.
I tried focusing on work as much as I could, just to keep my mind from killing itself.
As I was working on a car inside the shop, I heard tires squeak from outside. I looked around as everyone else did to before seeing Alina running into the shop, calling my name.
When she saw me, she rushed to me before explaining to me that the ambulance took Amaya to the hospital. I panicked, then instantly told my boss that I was leaving and I clocked out.
I didn't bother taking my Jeep, and I got into the car with Alina before leaving the shop.
The ride there was filled with panick and nerves completely shot. I looked over at Alina as she was explaining the situation, making my heart beat like crazy in my chest.
"She just turned pale and passed out. She still had a pulse, but it was very faint. I was screaming and panicking when I called the ambulance. I told them to hurry as fast as they can, then I came to get you."
"Thank you for coming to get me." I said.
"Of course.. I'm sorry for what I said about you. I was just worried, and I didn't mean to say those harsh things to you."
"I understand. Kate has been basically saying the same thing."
As I looked out the window, I couldn't stop shaking as I thought about Amaya. I wanted to fly to the hospital to get there faster cause my mind was going insane.
"She's ok." I kept telling myself, hoping I was right.
The feeling I had in my stomach was proving me otherwise.
When we finally made it to the hospital, Alina parked then we both got out. I saw her rush towards the building, and I tried keeping up but she was a lot faster than me.
We made it inside, and when she found out where Amaya was, we rushed towards the elevator and the silence took over once the doors closed.
Alina was standing off the the side, and I could tell she was a nervous-wreck. I tried not thinking about any negative thoughts once the elevator doors opened, and we stepped out.
We went down the hall towards another desk, and Alina stopped to talk to them. I stood there, looking around until Alina turned towards me. "We can't go see her right now, so we have to go to the waiting room."
I followed her to a waiting room, and I looked around at everyone as they were sitting. I saw Alina walk away as she was in her own head, and I stepped towards the window to look out.
My heart was pounding and my mind was racing as I took the view in from above. I saw the cars drive by on the road below, making everything look small since we were on the fourth floor.
No matter how hard I tried keeping my mind off of all these thoughts that seem to consume me, they always come back.
I messaged Katie a few minutes before we got here and explained the situation. She told me to let her know something whenever I found anything out, and I told her that I would.
After staring out the window for the last several minutes, I decided to walk around the halls to clear my mind. I looked back over at Alina as she was sitting down with her head in her hands as I walked out of the room.
Once I was in the hallway, I looked around before walking down the direction I decided to take when I walked out. I didn't know where I was going cause hospitals are mazes, so I just took a direction to go down.
With no destination.
My hate for hospitals has increased since I met Amaya. I can't seem to get away from them no matter how hard I try, cause something is always pulling me back towards them.
My parents got sick, and I ended up staying at the hospital more than I ever wanted to. I never knew how insane a place can be until you're here everyday.
I'm not sure how people do it for a living cause I would lose my mind.
The thought of hospitals always result in death in my mind.
Although hospitals bring life here, but they have different sections for that. I knew when Kate was in labor, I wouldn't be around sick people cause we were in different sections.
But the sections are connected, so you can run into anyone in this building.
It always came back to me as death when I thought about hospitals.
My parents died in a hospital, and my hate for hospitals started there. It continued to grow throughout the years cause the thought of my parents were always in my head when I came here.
But now, Amaya's thought was here with me every time I'm here. I can pass by a hospital and instantly think of her, and it was insane.
As I was walking down the hall, I saw a few doors opened to rooms and when I glanced in them as I walked by, I saw people laying on the hospital bed.
It gave me a chill as I continued walking, and I tried to avoid looking into the rooms as I passed by but it was difficult.
Even though I was walking to clear my head, it seemed like my thoughts were still haunting me about Amaya.
All I could think about was how this was all going to come out, cause I knew that Amaya was getting sicker. I knew that she wasn't getting any better even from the last time she was in the hospital, and my mind was constantly abusing me with thoughts.
Throughout the last few weeks, I prayed more than I ever have. I remember the last time I prayed was in the hospital with Amaya, but I haven't prayed after that.
I prayed for Amaya's health, and I had conversations with God about healing her. I cried so much in the last few weeks tat I didn't tink I would be able to cry anymore.
My heart was aching from all of this, and I was stressed beyond stress. I couldn't eat anything, and Amaya noticed that a lot. I tried eating for her but my body refused it, so I threw it up in the bathroom without anyone knowing.
My apetite was turning to shit again, and my sleep was terrible.
The last time I slept with Amaya was a few days ago, but she forced me out of the bed one night when she was in pain.
It hurt cause she didn't let me near her for a day after that, and I didn't know what to do.
Everything was falling apart around me and I couldn't do anything but watch it burn.
Once I made it to the end of a hallway, I turned around and walked back. I was still trying to keep my mind away from everything but the noises around me, the smells and sights were making it a lot worse.
When I finally made it back to the waiting room, I breathed out before walking in. I looked around but didn't see Alina as I sat down somewhere away from everyone else.
The noises were getting too much and I wanted to scream.
This place was haunting me.
After a few minutes, I was approached by Alina. I looked up to see her eyes red from crying and tears stained her cheeks as she stood there for a moment before grabbing my arm and pulling me up.
She pulled me out of the waiting room, away from everyone else before stopping down the hall. I saw her turn towards, and in that moment..
My whole world froze.
The noises around me seemed to disappear and my sight was vanishing. I couldn't see anything as everything was a blur from tears spilling from my eyes and down my cheeks.
Alina was crying as I was stuck frozen in place.
My heart stopped but I was still breathing.
It felt like everything had disappeared from around me and Alina's cries were now silent, filled with a ringing in my ear that deafened the noises around me.
My stomach felt like it was in knots.
My lungs weren't functioning anymore until I felt a pain course through my chest, bringing me back to the reality around me.
Alina pulled me into a hug, but I was frozen into place before pushing her back. I saw the complete shock on her face as I turned around and walked away.
I needed to get out of here.
When I finally made it out of the building, I walked around before stopping. I tried breathing for a moment to get my heart to start beating normal again.
After my breathing started coming back, I felt like I was dead. I stood there, frozen in place for a moment before taking a few feet and falling to my knees.
I buried my head in my hands and cried.
Never in my life have I ever cried as much as I cried on that sidewalk. I kneeled there and cried my eyes out until I couldn't cry anymore.
I sat down and brought my knees up before wrapping my arms around them. I buried my head into my arms and sat there as all the noises around me were fading away.
My heart was broken.
My life was over.
Everything around me was slowly fading into nothing.
Amaya was gone.
And so was I.
*
One Month Later.
"I think this is the last of it." Alina said as she handed me a box. I didn't realize how heavy it was until my body limped a little, then Alina chuckled. "Sorry."
"What is in here?"
"Books."
As Alina was grabbing more things, I sat the box down on the bed. I felt my back pop back into place before stretching a little. I looked around the room as everything was still the same.
It's been a month since Amaya passed away, and everyday feels like the last. I still wake up, wanting to pull her close to me but reaches for nothing.
It's hard accepting the truth everyday, but I have to live my life the way Amaya wants me to.
Ever after she's gone.
Her funeral was terrible.
I was in the front, but I was also in the back. I didn't want to be around everyone or even be up front where I could see Amaya laying in that casket.
There was a lot of people here.
The church came and brought food.
Brother Smith said a prayer for me once he saw me. He hugged me and told me that I was still part of the family, and I needed to come back to church cause everyone misses me.
Other people came for Amaya, who was friends of Kate.
As I sat there, staring at the casket, I couldn't comprehend the reality around me. It all felt like a dream but I was waken up from everything appearing around me.
I was broken and lost.
I didn't want to live anymore, but I did it for Amaya.
That night we went to the lake view, she told me that when she's gone, she wants me to live my life to the fullest. She didn't want me to be sad and depressed cause I shouldn't do that, so she made me promise that I would live.
I would live for her.
I'm doing the best I can at the moment.
I'm still trying to cope with everything, and everyday is harder than the last. I wake up each day, missing Amaya more but I knew she was watching me from above and that made me happy.
She was my guardian angel.
As Alina was looking through her desk, I saw her Bible sitting on top. I walked over and grabbed it, looking at it before Alina looks over at me.
"Can I have this?" I ask.
"Of course." Alina said. "You can have all her notebooks. She had studies in them." She looked around the room as I looked at the Bible.
I ran my hand down a page before opening it. I came across the last page she was on, and saw that it was Pete one, which was where we left off.
Amaya read to me every night, and I enjoyed it. I fell asleep as she was caressing my head and reading to me, making me fall more into her each day.
As I held the Bible in my hands, I felt a pain in my chest. I sighed before walking over to the box on the bed and placing the Bible inside of it. I made sure it was secured then turned my attention back to Alina.
We've been keeping in touch for the last month. I thought I would let Amaya's memory go and move on with my life, but I can never forget Amaya.
She was the love of my life.
After the hospital, Alina found me but I shut her out. I told her that I wanted to go back home, and that was the last time I heard from her until two weeks later.
When I told Kate about what happened, she was there for me. She never left my side, and I cried almost everyday and night. I couldn't sleep or eat anymore, and it resulted in me taking a trip to the doctor.
I was losing an unhealthy amount of weight and my mind was completely gone. I had to take medicine for my appetite and sleeping pills, which fucked me up in the long run.
But after a week, I finally got back on the right track. I met Alina at the grocery store one day and we talked for a while about everything, then she invited me over to the house.
Everything felt too familar when I came back to this house after so long. I felt like I haven't been here in years, and it was bringing back a lot of painful memories.
We caught up a little then she started telling me about how she was going to go through all of Amaya's things to see what she wants to keep.
I volunteered to come help cause I wanted some things to remind me of Amaya.
Mason came over to help haul some things off that Alina didn't want, and Kate was here also. She met Alina for the first time and started talking about things as Mason and I were packing boxes.
Things started becoming reality once I had a lot of Amaya's things piled in my room. I was staring at the boxes for hours one night, feeling every emotion run through my body.
It was a pain that was never ending.
"Oh, I forgot." Alina said, bringing me back to reality. I saw her walk over with a paper in her hands. "This is a letter to you. Amaya said she wanted you to have it when she passes."
As I looked down at the letter, I noticed it was the same letter I saw that day. I was curious about it but it never crossed my mind again until now.
I grabbed it then stared at it before placing it in my pocket. I didn't want to read it yet, and a stinging in my heart told me that I wasn't ready to read it.
After I grabbed everything I wanted, I placed the boxes in the back of my Jeep. I closed the trunk before looking over at Alina, who was standing next to the Jeep.
"Thanks for helping me."
"No problem. Just more things to pile in my room." I said, making her smile. "How are you?" I asked.
"I'm doing fine. I can't really seem to grasp reality from all of this.. just yet. It still feels like a nightmare and I'm waiting to wake up." Alina sighed before looking around.
"I know how you feel." I said, making her look at me. "I'm still coping." I looked down at the ground.
After a moment, Alina pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back, feeling her rub my back before pulling away. I saw he smile, and I slightly smiled at her as she crossed her arms.
"You're still part of Amaya's life, Remi. Don't hesitate to come over whenever you want. I don't mind."
"Thanks."
After we said our goodbyes, I got into my Jeep and started the engine. I sat there for a few moments, looking in the rearview mirror at the boxes in the back and feeling a pain in my chest.
I looked over towards the house once more before backing out of the driveway and leaving everything behind.
*
"Aunt Remi!"
Asher came jumping onto my lap as I tried holding him back before he smacked me in the head with his head.
"Booger, calm down a little." I said, making him laugh.
"Where's Aunt Maya?" He said as he sat in my lap.
Almost everyday, Asher asks about Amaya. I still can't bring myself to tell him cause he's too young to know what happened but I knew I couldn't keep it from him forever.
Kate told me not to tell him yet until he understands a little more. She said that he might forget her eventually, and stop asking about her.
But I didn't believe that.
It's been two months now, and Asher still asks about her. I feel bad every time he asks, but I wasn't sure when I would tell him.
It breaks my heart.
He loved her a lot, and I knew that it was going to hurt him once he finds out.
But his mind doesn't stay on her forever cause he's back to playing with his toys after a few minutes.
"How are you?" Kate asks, making me look over at her as she sat on the couch next to me.
"I'm ok."
"I see that you gained some weight back." She said as she smiled at me. "Have you been sleeping?"
"A little at a time." I shrugged. "Some nights are better than most."
The last time I slept decent was about a week ago. I took some of my sleeping pills and it knocked me out pretty quickly.
But something was keeping me awake.
When I would wake up in the middle of the night, I could feel something in my room. I turned my lights on to look around but nothing was there, but it didn't stop me from staying awake.
It was like a spirit or something was in my room almost every night.
When I first started encountering it, I thought about Amaya. I remember her telling me about recarnation and we got to talk about that a few times, telling me that when she passes then she will come back as something to watch over me.
She told me not to be afraid cause it was only her, and at the time I didn't believe her but after those nights I've had, I couldn't help but think about her.
When I talked to Kate about the recarnation thing, she said she believed it. I was still unsure about it so I couldn't say that I believed it or not cause the thought was a little weird for me.
But something was telling me that Amaya was here.. somewhere.
I could feel her, and that made me want to cry.
But I never told Kate about it or anything that's been happening. I just kept it away from everyone cause I was still unsure.
As Asher was playing, my mind went to Amaya. I sighed before leaning my head back and staring at the ceiling for a moment until Kate excused herself when her phone started ringing.
It was going to be a long road from here on out and I wasn't sure if I would make it or not. I wanted to give up more than anything but Amaya's voice was in the back of my mind when I thought about that.
So, I didn't give up for her.
After everything that happened, I knew that Amaya taught me a lot of things. She taught me about something that I never believed in until I met her, and not even my sister or best friend could convince me.
Amaya was different when it came to that, and I fell for her and for God at the same time.
She changed me in so many ways, and everyday I'm thankful for that. I'm grateful to have met her and spent as much time as I had with her cause she opened my eyes to a new perspective.
She also taught me love.
Something that I never experience cause my past was never filled with love. It was always a temporary thing for me, so I never got to experience what love was until I met Amaya.
My heart still beats for her and I know she's watching over me from above. I try my best to make her proud everyday, no matter how bad things get.
I was her Angel, coming to heal her for a short amount of time.
She's my guardian angel, now and forever.
Even though our time was short, it lasted forever.
But something I always remember is that sometimes you for the meant to be love and the love that lasts forever.
And sometimes you get the love that not meant to be..
Or what I like to call it..
Forbidden Love.